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one mistake after another

Question:

On Sun, 13 Feb 2000 23:07:36 -0500 (EST), no_n…@webtv.net wrote: >Well i do realize that I am going to get a lot of negative post and im >ok with that its understandable.

You are being much too hard on yourself.  Slow down, take a deep breath and get some help sorting out your problems. >A few months back i would be telling >off a person with this such post.

It’s different once you have walked in their shoes … we all learn this as time goes on. >For starters im 21 years old I have to >children I got married at the age of 19. I know that I am young and i >know how bad it must look. made a lot of mistakes in life but my two >children are loved dearly and mean the world to me. Im a very good >mother regardless of how young i had them.

Getting married at 19 does not have to be a problem… several of the regulars here did that and have good marriages.   Having two children by the time you are 21 also is not unusual.   Just think… you will still be young when they go off to college :-) >well any ways a year after i >had been married we began to have a lot of problems. my husband didn’t >come home the night of our anniversary the morning he came home i >confronted him (big mistake) my husband was still drunk so i got >rewarded with a black n blue eye. This was the first time in my life I >had ever been hit. I couldn’t even feel the pain from being hit because >i was in shock the man that i loved just hurt me.  I couldn’t believe >it.  I was crying so hard my daughter woke up and came down stairs i >will never forget the look in her eyes. I kept telling her i was ok that >i fell. my husband kept yelling right in front of her i just kept >hugging her then he left. My little baby girl new he had hurt me. i kept >telling her over and over i fell because i didn’t want anyone to know.

Kids are far more perseptive than they are given credit for being. However, here we go again with the classic abused woman scenario …. you have isolated yourself from family and friends rather than tell them what happened.   As long as you do that, he can do whatever he wants to you, knowing you will keep your mouth shut. We have given a name to this … it is called Domestic Violence.   No one should tolerate being hit … period.    However, when you live with a physically violent person, you must be very careful in planning how to get out of the situation or the violence may escalate to the point that you or your child may be permanently injured or killed. Of course all of us here have to take at face value what you have written .. if you have over-dramatized what happened, any advice may be useless. Contact a women’s shelter in your area.   Since you are using webtv, I assume you are in the US.   If you cannot find who to call locally, call the Domestic Violence Hotline:     1-800-799-7233 They offer a packet of information regarding safety & planning, including local referrals which provide legal aid, shelter for battered women and other service in your geographic area. If you have family (parents or siblings) talk with them … perhaps they can help. >I >never looked at my husband the same. A few months after this happened  I >tried to forgive him he did tell me he was so sorry and it would never >happen again. From that day on every time he touched me I would see the >look and the fear my daughter had that morning. I went in to a severe >depression. A few months went bye i told him i he should find somewhere >else to live that I needed time to think about my life. well That same >night another incident happened. He says it was m fought because i was >holding my ears shut because he was saying awful things

Abusers almost always try to shift responsibility for their actions to their victims … >well i got a big >gash on my eye had to go to the hospital. well since then we tried >marriage counselling i learned he had a very abusive life. so I tried to >work with him on his problem.

His abusive childhood does NOT give him the right to batter you.  You cannot work on his problem for him … it is up to him to work on it. While you should have filed a police report when that second incident happened, doing so could get you killed if he loses control … the same for getting a restraining order to keep him away from you.  Time and time again we hear of cases where a RO triggered an insane reaction leading to the death or serious injury of one or more people. If you want to understand what you face, get a copy of John Gottman’s book from the library or buy it at a bookstore:   When Men Batter Women: New Insights Into Ending Abusive Relationships >mean while i over hear commits made at >work about marks i had on my face. I over heard a conversation in the >bathroom the ladies didn’t know i was in there. I heard them say" you >can tell her husband hits on her look at her"  I couldn’t believe it >didn’t really register until then.  Im now taking depression pills >nothing is helping. I cant smile i put on a act. I try to forgive him >and forget but I cant i don’t know if im still in love with him and i >don’t know why im still with him.

Are you in love with the actual him or in love with your image of what you wish he would be?   How you can love a man who beats you is beyond me but I know leaving such a horrible situation is very difficult and takes much courage.  There are resources in your community to help you once you decide you have had enough. Do you want to continue to walk on egg shells, wondering when he will turn on your again?   Do you want your child exposed to the possiblity he may attack her?   Do you want her to grow up thinking this is what love, marriage and relationships are all about? >Im so scared to raise two children on >my own.

You can do it … and if the situation is as you portray it, you must do it both for your own sake and for the sake of your kids. >Well here where u will start hating me oh my.

Why would anyone hate you … you are a complete stranger reaching out for help.   You really have to let up on beating up on yourself … your husband does enough of that.   Even when you make mistakes (we all do you know) you are a lovable woman who has the right to decent, respectful treatment from those around you. >Well I met a man >on here talked to him for hours every night. ended up meeting a few >times we just spent time together he would talk to me about his life and >i would try and talk about mine it was great.  I knew how wrong it was >but i smiled again i had so much energy was not tired all the time was >like my old self.

Because you are isolated from your family and friends, you turned to the only method of communication that seemed safe.   Keep in mind though, people are not necessarily what they seem here … >well this past weekend we ended up meeting and from >there on im sure you know what happened. this man held me for hours we >just looked at each other didn’t say a word .  We both new how wrong it >was but we were so happy.  

An affair will not help you out of this mess.  Fortunately you were alert enough to use an anonymous user name when you posted this.   End the affair … it will only complicate things if you decide to get a divorce … and that is quite likely if you finally have decided you have had enough physical abuse from your husband. To be honest, you do NOT need a sexual relationship in your life right now… you have much bigger fish to fry.   Any attraction you feel for the other fellow is just a rebound from your present situation … it is most unlikely anything good will come of it.    Keep posting to this group but get over to alt.support.divorce and start reading what people have posted there … most likely you will encounter a great many things you have not thought about yet. >On the way home i broke down couldn’t drive >pulled over and thought about what i done. I just got done emailing him >telling him i needed time to sort things out and that i wont be able to >talk to him for a little. I don’t want to stop talking to him he makes >me feel so happy but i didn’t it because it was right. now here is the >problem to i confess to him??

Confess this to your abusive husband at the risk of losing your life. Your marriage is in tatters .. and it does not sound like it is worth saving.   You need help in leaving him and learning to live on your own … Jumping into another relationship, even if not sexual, is just going to screw things up more … do not do it. >i feel so guilty i don’t even care if he >hits me i just scared of hurting him because he does love me.

He has your right where he wants you … you think this is love? No way!    Read that Gottman book I suggested earlier … you guys are in it. >I don’t >know what to do. I know i look like a bad person but im not. what should >i do someone please help don’t email me i used a different nic for >obvious reasons. well fire away guys im prepared.

You need to get into counseling to find out why you think so little of yourself … until you resolve that, you are going to flounder from one bad relationship to another. Call a women’s shelter, a governmental agency or the Domestic Violence Center and start planning to save your life and the lives of your children … your husband, though his own actions, has put himself out in the cold and that is where he should remain… do not worry about child custody or visitation right now … get away from him and get yourself established for an independent life without him … Best of luck … plan carefully before acting … and take a look in the mirror and tell that person she deserves better and can get it with hard work and a developed sense of self reliance. Floridanewbie

Response:

I totally understand…i’m also 21 with 2 children and got married at 19.  my husband just recently came home very drunk but he never got that far…he pushed me around abit…but thats about it…last year when we were going through some problems i started having feelings for another male who was a friend…but he doesn’t know…i knew that the feelings were wrong but i couldn’t help them…i never acted on them though…i stayed away from him for awhile…i just told my husband that he almost lost me..he doesnt really seem to care but what can i do…i also saw the other guy for the first time in 6 months and still have the same feelings…i know you don’t want to raise 2 kids on your own and i know its hard but if hes not willing to try and work things out you have to leave because next time you could be seriously hurt if not dead…there are people there to support you when you really need them…and your children dont need to see nor go through what youre going through. * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!

Response:

On Mon, 14 Feb 2000 16:50:24 GMT, floridanew…@hotmail.com (floridanewbie) wrote:

<snip> >Kids are far more perseptive than they are given credit for being.

<snip> Ugh!  Did my fingers actually type that?   I wonder how many other typos are in my posts this morning … that’s what I get for running on too little sleep and trying to catch up in this group. It certainly was not very perceptive of me to miss that goof :-( Hey guys, might be in the mid-80s today (almost 30C for those of you who think in degrees Celsius) but so far there are too many clouds to make a trip to the beach enticing. Floridanewbie, slinking away now

Response:

Nothing you have said below gives me any reason to condemn you. Firstly, you need to escape from your husband. Nobody deserves to be abused and children definitely don’t deserve to witness such things. It doesn’t matter what your husband has said or promised about dealing with his anger, get out. This is not a problem that can be solved in place. Look after yourself first, your kids a close second and let hubby deal with his own issues himself. There is nothing you can do to help him. Big change is needed to sort this mess out and it’s best done at a distance. Find somwhere safe to go and go there while he is not around taking what you need to survive. Are you on good terms with your parents? You’ve said nothing about them. Can they give you a place to stay? Even if you’re not on good terms I think they would still be supportive if you give them a chance, don’t let pride or past history get in the way. Parents have knack of coming around when things are tough. Failing that, is there some sort of shelter available? I don’t know where you live but there must be some sort of emergency facility. Check the phone book if you haven’t already, there is nearly always some sort of emergency counseling service listed there and they can advise. Don’t tell your husband that you are going or where. Don’t consider his right to see his children as being important at this stage, right now their protection and yours is more important. Once things have settled and you have found some sort of security then you can start to consider such things. And seek some sort of counseling, both legal and psychological, if you can. As for the other man, I have no moral problem with this but please be careful about getting involved with someone else. You have a big emotional mess to sort out and the simpler you can keep things the easier it will be. If your new friend is true then he will understand this and not make any demands of you. Good luck. Regards, Trevor <no_n…@webtv.net> wrote in message

news:3923-38A77F88-35@storefull-175.iap.bryant.webtv.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Well i do realize that I am going to get a lot of negative post and im > ok with that its understandable. A few months back i would be telling > off a person with this such post. For starters im 21 years old I have to > children I got married at the age of 19. I know that I am young and i > know how bad it must look. made a lot of mistakes in life but my two > children are loved dearly and mean the world to me. Im a very good > mother regardless of how young i had them. well any ways a year after i > had been married we began to have a lot of problems. my husband didn’t > come home the night of our anniversary the morning he came home i > confronted him (big mistake) my husband was still drunk so i got > rewarded with a black n blue eye. This was the first time in my life I > had ever been hit. I couldn’t even feel the pain from being hit because > i was in shock the man that i loved just hurt me.  I couldn’t believe > it.  I was crying so hard my daughter woke up and came down stairs i > will never forget the look in her eyes. I kept telling her i was ok that > i fell. my husband kept yelling right in front of her i just kept > hugging her then he left. My little baby girl new he had hurt me. i kept > telling her over and over i fell because i didn’t want anyone to know. I > never looked at my husband the same. A few months after this happened  I > tried to forgive him he did tell me he was so sorry and it would never > happen again. From that day on every time he touched me I would see the > look and the fear my daughter had that morning. I went in to a severe > depression. A few months went bye i told him i he should find somewhere > else to live that I needed time to think about my life. well That same > night another incident happened. He says it was m fought because i was > holding my ears shut because he was saying awful things well i got a big > gash on my eye had to go to the hospital. well since then we tried > marriage counselling i learned he had a very abusive life. so I tried to > work with him on his problem. mean while i over hear commits made at > work about marks i had on my face. I over heard a conversation in the > bathroom the ladies didn’t know i was in there. I heard them say" you > can tell her husband hits on her look at her"  I couldn’t believe it > didn’t really register until then.  Im now taking depression pills > nothing is helping. I cant smile i put on a act. I try to forgive him > and forget but I cant i don’t know if im still in love with him and i > don’t know why im still with him. Im so scared to raise two children on > my own. Well here where u will start hating me oh my. Well I met a man > on here talked to him for hours every night. ended up meeting a few > times we just spent time together he would talk to me about his life and > i would try and talk about mine it was great.  I knew how wrong it was > but i smiled again i had so much energy was not tired all the time was > like my old self. well this past weekend we ended up meeting and from > there on im sure you know what happened. this man held me for hours we > just looked at each other didn’t say a word .  We both new how wrong it > was but we were so happy.  On the way home i broke down couldn’t drive > pulled over and thought about what i done. I just got done emailing him > telling him i needed time to sort things out and that i wont be able to > talk to him for a little. I don’t want to stop talking to him he makes > me feel so happy but i didn’t it because it was right. now here is the > problem to i confess to him?? i feel so guilty i don’t even care if he > hits me i just scared of hurting him because he does love me. I don’t > know what to do. I know i look like a bad person but im not. what should > i do someone please help don’t email me i used a different nic for > obvious reasons. well fire away guys im prepared.

Response:

Well i do realize that I am going to get a lot of negative post and im ok with that its understandable. A few months back i would be telling off a person with this such post. For starters im 21 years old I have to children I got married at the age of 19. I know that I am young and i know how bad it must look. made a lot of mistakes in life but my two children are loved dearly and mean the world to me. Im a very good mother regardless of how young i had them. well any ways a year after i had been married we began to have a lot of problems. my husband didn’t come home the night of our anniversary the morning he came home i confronted him (big mistake) my husband was still drunk so i got rewarded with a black n blue eye. This was the first time in my life I had ever been hit. I couldn’t even feel the pain from being hit because i was in shock the man that i loved just hurt me.  I couldn’t believe it.  I was crying so hard my daughter woke up and came down stairs i will never forget the look in her eyes. I kept telling her i was ok that i fell. my husband kept yelling right in front of her i just kept hugging her then he left. My little baby girl new he had hurt me. i kept telling her over and over i fell because i didn’t want anyone to know. I never looked at my husband the same. A few months after this happened  I tried to forgive him he did tell me he was so sorry and it would never happen again. From that day on every time he touched me I would see the look and the fear my daughter had that morning. I went in to a severe depression. A few months went bye i told him i he should find somewhere else to live that I needed time to think about my life. well That same night another incident happened. He says it was m fought because i was holding my ears shut because he was saying awful things well i got a big gash on my eye had to go to the hospital. well since then we tried marriage counselling i learned he had a very abusive life. so I tried to work with him on his problem. mean while i over hear commits made at work about marks i had on my face. I over heard a conversation in the bathroom the ladies didn’t know i was in there. I heard them say" you can tell her husband hits on her look at her"  I couldn’t believe it didn’t really register until then.  Im now taking depression pills nothing is helping. I cant smile i put on a act. I try to forgive him and forget but I cant i don’t know if im still in love with him and i don’t know why im still with him. Im so scared to raise two children on my own. Well here where u will start hating me oh my. Well I met a man on here talked to him for hours every night. ended up meeting a few times we just spent time together he would talk to me about his life and i would try and talk about mine it was great.  I knew how wrong it was but i smiled again i had so much energy was not tired all the time was like my old self. well this past weekend we ended up meeting and from there on im sure you know what happened. this man held me for hours we just looked at each other didn’t say a word .  We both new how wrong it was but we were so happy.  On the way home i broke down couldn’t drive pulled over and thought about what i done. I just got done emailing him telling him i needed time to sort things out and that i wont be able to talk to him for a little. I don’t want to stop talking to him he makes me feel so happy but i didn’t it because it was right. now here is the problem to i confess to him?? i feel so guilty i don’t even care if he hits me i just scared of hurting him because he does love me. I don’t know what to do. I know i look like a bad person but im not. what should i do someone please help don’t email me i used a different nic for obvious reasons. well fire away guys im prepared.

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