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What do other people think of you !?

Question:

>   Although this probably is the case in some situations, it also can > happen that if you get a reputation for being shy, people will stop > giving you a turn in conversation because they "know you’re not going > to say anything anyway".  This means that if you do speak at all, you > have to interrupt, which sounds awkward and is liable to get what you > say not seriously considered because the conversation is focusing on > the other person.  This is not conjecture, it has really happened to > me.

Yup- increasingly in group conv, but sometimes even in one on one discussions.

Response:

In response to the original post: People who do not know me very well view me as eccentric, stuck-up and even slow. Those closest to me know me as a very bright, compassionate, driven and authentic individual.

Response:

weedpus…@yahoo.de (Click) wrote in message > Man thats the problem, right there. As much as I want to be more > communicative, something in the back of my brain prevents me from > beieng "myself"…..I dont know what it is, oh well….

My son is a 17 year old shy person.  I have been reading some of the posts here to help understand him.  When I was younger, I had many of the same feelings as I have read about here.  I still feel wierd around extremely attractive women.  I have been married a long time now and my circle of friends is very small.  I am mainly interested in only my immediate family.  I have no close friends, though I have some close acquaintances from work and hobbies. I was lucky that even though I had many of the same feelings as the shy people of this group, I had a lot of courage to face my fears.  I was a fairly attractive teen, and later in life realized that my lack of confidence had blinded me to several girls who were very interested in me, but I could not tell.  My wife was my first real girlfriend and we are very happy together. My son is an attractive boy.  He is 6′1", 180 pounds.  He has a muscular tone and a strong jaw.  In ninth grade, he had one chubby girl who had a crush on him, and at the time he was not really into girls and he did not reciprocate the feelings.  Now he is a senior and is interested in girls and trying to get a girlfriend.  He thinks he is a loser because he recognizes he is shy and doesn’t know how to change. I have been trying to get him to focus on making friends, to avoid girls he finds very attractive and to talk to girls he finds neutral or unattractive.  I also try to get him to make friends with more guys.  My thinking is, that by taking the focus off finding a girlfriend, he can develop his confidence and social skills.  Maybe he can develop a friendship with a girl into a romantic relationship, but then it would not be strained. Unfortunately, he has a number of things working against him.  First, he is a very serious person, he is not fun.  He doesn’t take anything lightly.  He is hard on himself, and any mistake is a dagger.  He doesn’t really care about people’s stories, what they have to say, their opinions, their likes and dislikes.  All these things combine to make building acquaintances a chore.  Add to that a feeling of intimidation (lack of confidence and self-esteem) and he really has a difficult time with my advice. He has had one date.  He went with a fairly pretty girl, and she seemed interested in him, until he tried to talk to her.  He was honest and told her of his feelings of shyness and desperation, and since he doesn’t really have a "fun" side, she was overwhelmed and did not have a good time.  That really hurt him a lot. Unfortunately, I don’t see much success in this newsgroup.  I think I will start trying to get my son to care more about people.  First, I will work with him on listening skills.  Some of the key points I learned was that you want to give full attention and not think of what you want to say.  You want to encourage by nodding and adding words that encourage the person to continue.  "Yes"  "I see"  "Then what happened?" and so on.  Making sure to say them in a tone that indicates you have been listening and you are expecting more.  Once the person has completed what they have to say, you need to reflect what you heard.  "So you say your aunt came to town yesterday and then…" By giving someone that kind of attention, they feel that you care.  It is difficult to fake.  If you don’t really care, that of course will show through.  Most people like to talk to people who care.  My goal with my son is for him to develop one social skill at a time.  When he goes back to school, I want him to muster enough courage to ask one person he is not real close to: "How was your holiday?  Anything good happen?"  And then to listen.  And he needs to use the listening skills we’ll work on during the holiday break. I want him to focus developing these skills on people he does not find attractive.  This way he is not confusing this with trying to get a date.  If he can develop the social skills in a non-romantic setting, he can have that much more confidence. Eventually, I hope he begins to see that most people date and marry average looking mates.  And hopefully he can learn that happiness and sexual pleasure is not greater with better looking women.  I read with interest the man who is repulsed by fat women and feels badly because attractive women find him unattractive.  I would suggest to that man to start to develop friendships with unattractive women.  Give one of them a pity date, the way you might wish an attractive woman would give you a date.  At least you might feel good about yourself for being better then the women who treat you badly.  At worst, you make a fat woman feel a little better about herself.  At best, you develop a little confidence in speaking with people.  Maybe you could begin to climb the social ladder.  Maybe you might begin to feel that your repulsion fades. Did you see "Shallow Hal"?  There are a lot of guys who are not shallow beer guzzling animals.  They are thoughtful, intelligent, and interesting.  There are a lot of women who are not perky bubble heads who will sleep with anyone who flashes a smile.  They are bright, thoughtful, and interesting.  Many of these men and women are not to be found on a magazine cover.  They live in shells.  A body that hides their real beauty within. Good luck.

Response:

fyodor_no…@lycos.com (C.E.) wrote in message <news:ab80793a.0212171101.efa340d@posting.google.com>… > pdfjo…@yahoo.com (Marlow) wrote in message <news:b79c52e4.0212162059.724f5575@posting.google.com>… > > Or maybe you’re being sarcastic in a nasty way and they act so hurt > > because they don’t like people being sarcastic towards them in a nasty > > way. > It wasn’t  even really sarcastic. The power went out and her computer > was still on along with the internet on. Her bf was so totally > surprised by these events and I said from the other room but with an > open door "the phone lines aren’t down, genius" and they slammed the > door.

Your comment could’ve come off as being kind of rude if it wasn’t delivered in a joking manner.  I would be kind of pissed if someone said that to me and I thought they were being serious. >Childish yes, but hardly nasty. And when the power first went > off I came out and they were all in the living room and one said "Hi, > Crystal" in this rude tone. And it’s really only one of the roommates > that makes me feel like this. The one I can tell I weird out and is > very quiet herself and the other is hardly ever there. The one in > question is one I actually cried to and told her I was very shy > because she thought I was being rude to them. For a while she seemed > fine with this, but could not understand why I was not changing. All > she ever asks is if I’m okay. Then she heard me complaining to my mom > about her f***ing in the morning. I’m an adult and I don’t really care > that she is f***ing, but I can’t tolerate it in the morning when it > wakes me up because it’s so loud. I don’t think she thought anyone was > home.

If she didn’t know you were home, then she obviously wasn’t trying to be inconsiderate.  Humor often helps to diffuse these types of situations.  Instead of acting all offended and whining to your mom about it, you could’ve said something to her in a joking manner.  Like smiling and saying something like "well it sounded like SOMEBODY was having a good morning!"  This will communicate to her that you could hear them, and out of decency she more than likely would try to avoid doing it again. > > Here’s a test:  did you feel this way at some other time before you > > met these people? > not at this level and with no other group of people at school at this > point. I got on really well in my writing classes and made a few solid > acquaintances. some people just bring out or I let them bring out the > worst in my shyness.

Well maybe you just wouldn’t click with her no matter what.  Just try to be civil, and start looking for potential new room mates. Marlow

Response:

Many people are knowing my as shy PERSON. Whenever i speak my mind, Im wondering what other people think of me. Are they supprised, if I voice my Opinion, do they think Im weird, because all of the sudden I start to talk, I bet most people feel really uncomfortable when Im around, cuz they dont know what to think of me…………….

Response:

weedpus…@yahoo.de (Click) wrote in message <news:5ba0543b.0212151412.7f1a3835@posting.google.com>… > Many people are knowing my as shy PERSON. Whenever i speak my mind, Im > wondering what other people think of me. Are they supprised, if I > voice my Opinion, do they think Im weird, because all of the sudden I > start to talk, I bet most people feel really uncomfortable when Im > around, cuz they dont know what to think of me…………….

I know what you’re talking about and have felt it’s much of what’s held me back from being social. It is especially strong today with my 3 roommates (selected by the university, if I had to get a roommate myself I couldn’t come up with a single person). I hardly ever talk to them and when I do I never complain or offer my opinion. I think they are going to say "How dare YOU have an opinion?" Other times I might say something sarcastic and they act so hurt that I’ve said something "out of character." It’s like just because i’m shy they have too see me be shy or I was lying to cover up my "hatred" of them. I feel so constrained by their labeling. They make me feel like I’m living there at their mercy.

Response:

weedpus…@yahoo.de (Click) wrote in message <news:5ba0543b.0212151412.7f1a3835@posting.google.com>… > Many people are knowing my as shy PERSON. Whenever i speak my mind, Im > wondering what other people think of me. Are they supprised, if I > voice my Opinion, do they think Im weird, because all of the sudden I > start to talk, I bet most people feel really uncomfortable when Im > around, cuz they dont know what to think of me…………….

I bet most people don’t even notice when you’re around because you’ve managed to make yourself invisible.  When you start to talk they probably are glad to have another person to interact with.  The more you talk, no matter how much of a freak you think you are, the more normal you appear to others. Marlow

Response:

fyodor_no…@lycos.com (C.E.) wrote in message <news:ab80793a.0212161056.114d1ff1@posting.google.com>… > weedpus…@yahoo.de (Click) wrote in message <news:5ba0543b.0212151412.7f1a3835@posting.google.com>… > > Many people are knowing my as shy PERSON. Whenever i speak my mind, Im > > wondering what other people think of me. Are they supprised, if I > > voice my Opinion, do they think Im weird, because all of the sudden I > > start to talk, I bet most people feel really uncomfortable when Im > > around, cuz they dont know what to think of me……………. > I know what you’re talking about and have felt it’s much of what’s > held me back from being social. It is especially strong today with my > 3 roommates (selected by the university, if I had to get a roommate > myself I couldn’t come up with a single person). I hardly ever talk to > them and when I do I never complain or offer my opinion.

That’s too bad that you’re being so selfish as to not share your personality with them.  They might like you if you offer your opinions more often. >I think they > are going to say "How dare YOU have an opinion?"

They’re not likely to say this, and even if they did it doesn’t matter anyway.  No one has the right to tell you that you’re not entitled to an opinion.  Try expressing an opinion every now and then and see what their reaction is.  You’ll be well within your rights, and I suspect that the results will be much more pleasant than you think. >Other times I might > say something sarcastic and they act so hurt that I’ve said something > "out of character."

Or maybe you’re being sarcastic in a nasty way and they act so hurt because they don’t like people being sarcastic towards them in a nasty way. >It’s like just because i’m shy they have too see > me be shy or I was lying to cover up my "hatred" of them. I feel so > constrained by their labeling. They make me feel like I’m living there > at their mercy.

This is a typical shy person theory of the way the world works, but it has very little to do with reality.   Nobody else is labeling you, you’re doing this to yourself.  They’re not making you feel the way you’re feeling.  Chances are they hardly ever even think of you at all because you haven’t given them a reason to.  You’re the one making yourself feel like you’re living there at their mercy. Here’s a test:  did you feel this way at some other time before you met these people? Marlow

Response:

pdfjo…@yahoo.com (Marlow) wrote in message <news:b79c52e4.0212162049.63effbd8@posting.google.com>… > weedpus…@yahoo.de (Click) wrote in message <news:5ba0543b.0212151412.7f1a3835@posting.google.com>… > > Many people are knowing my as shy PERSON. Whenever i speak my mind, Im > > wondering what other people think of me. Are they supprised, if I > > voice my Opinion, do they think Im weird, because all of the sudden I > > start to talk, I bet most people feel really uncomfortable when Im > > around, cuz they dont know what to think of me……………. > I bet most people don’t even notice when you’re around because you’ve > managed to make yourself invisible.  When you start to talk they > probably are glad to have another person to interact with.  

  Although this probably is the case in some situations, it also can happen that if you get a reputation for being shy, people will stop giving you a turn in conversation because they "know you’re not going to say anything anyway".  This means that if you do speak at all, you have to interrupt, which sounds awkward and is liable to get what you say not seriously considered because the conversation is focusing on the other person.  This is not conjecture, it has really happened to me.   What’s worse is that some people, thinking you’re a shybie, will leave you out in the belief that it makes you more comfortable because that way you "don’t have" to talk.  Yea, some people just use this as an internal excuse but some people genuinely do believe that they are being kind by doing this.  There was an example on Lee Lady’s web site of a shy woman who had one of her friends invite her to a party "with the understanding that nothing whatsoever would be expected of her". Basically, Lee discovered that this offer had actually made her feel worse, not better, about going to the party because her image of herself as she wanted to become was as the "life and soul" of the party, and now somebody who was being nice and kind to her was effectively blocking her from trying to reach that, by having no expectations of her.   (Although on that note I’d like to mention that if I know I’m EXPECTED to be really over-the-top and extrovert – I can actually do it!  (Provided that the situation doesn’t call for knowledge I don’t have)  Like, when I was greeting people in early society meetings, at least one of the people I met thought I was confident and an extreme extrovert – and he HIMSELF wasn’t exactly a shybie!  WEIRD…)   I reckon we could need another t-shirt design for this..

Response:

pdfjo…@yahoo.com (Marlow) wrote in message <news:b79c52e4.0212162049.63effbd8@posting.google.com>… > weedpus…@yahoo.de (Click) wrote in message <news:5ba0543b.0212151412.7f1a3835@posting.google.com>… > > Many people are knowing my as shy PERSON. Whenever i speak my mind, Im > > wondering what other people think of me. Are they supprised, if I > > voice my Opinion, do they think Im weird, because all of the sudden I > > start to talk, I bet most people feel really uncomfortable when Im > > around, cuz they dont know what to think of me……………. > I bet most people don’t even notice when you’re around because you’ve > managed to make yourself invisible.  When you start to talk they > probably are glad to have another person to interact with.  The more > you talk, no matter how much of a freak you think you are, the more > normal you appear to others. > Marlow

Man thats the problem, right there. As much as I want to be more communicative, something in the back of my brain prevents me from beieng "myself"…..I dont know what it is, oh well….

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -pdfjo…@yahoo.com (Marlow) wrote in message <news:b79c52e4.0212162059.724f5575@posting.google.com>… > fyodor_no…@lycos.com (C.E.) wrote in message <news:ab80793a.0212161056.114d1ff1@posting.google.com>… > > weedpus…@yahoo.de (Click) wrote in message <news:5ba0543b.0212151412.7f1a3835@posting.google.com>… > > > Many people are knowing my as shy PERSON. Whenever i speak my mind, Im > > > wondering what other people think of me. Are they supprised, if I > > > voice my Opinion, do they think Im weird, because all of the sudden I > > > start to talk, I bet most people feel really uncomfortable when Im > > > around, cuz they dont know what to think of me……………. > > I know what you’re talking about and have felt it’s much of what’s > > held me back from being social. It is especially strong today with my > > 3 roommates (selected by the university, if I had to get a roommate > > myself I couldn’t come up with a single person). I hardly ever talk to > > them and when I do I never complain or offer my opinion. > That’s too bad that you’re being so selfish as to not share your > personality with them.  They might like you if you offer your opinions > more often. > >I think they > > are going to say "How dare YOU have an opinion?" > They’re not likely to say this, and even if they did it doesn’t matter > anyway.  No one has the right to tell you that you’re not entitled to > an opinion.  Try expressing an opinion every now and then and see what > their reaction is.  You’ll be well within your rights, and I suspect > that the results will be much more pleasant than you think. > >Other times I might > > say something sarcastic and they act so hurt that I’ve said something > > "out of character." > Or maybe you’re being sarcastic in a nasty way and they act so hurt > because they don’t like people being sarcastic towards them in a nasty > way.

It wasn’t  even really sarcastic. The power went out and her computer was still on along with the internet on. Her bf was so totally surprised by these events and I said from the other room but with an open door "the phone lines aren’t down, genius" and they slammed the door. Childish yes, but hardly nasty. And when the power first went off I came out and they were all in the living room and one said "Hi, Crystal" in this rude tone. And it’s really only one of the roommates that makes me feel like this. The one I can tell I weird out and is very quiet herself and the other is hardly ever there. The one in question is one I actually cried to and told her I was very shy because she thought I was being rude to them. For a while she seemed fine with this, but could not understand why I was not changing. All she ever asks is if I’m okay. Then she heard me complaining to my mom about her f***ing in the morning. I’m an adult and I don’t really care that she is f***ing, but I can’t tolerate it in the morning when it wakes me up because it’s so loud. I don’t think she thought anyone was home. And now she acts very offended by my presence. I was supposed to be this shy girl who never reacts to anything. Was I not supposed to hear the sex coming from the next room of an apartment with thin walls. I mean everytime they watch television I can here it word for word. But somehow it was alright that she listened to my phone conversation. And I know she heard it because she stopped asking me if I was okay for a week and started shutting her door which she never did before. > >It’s like just because i’m shy they have too see > > me be shy or I was lying to cover up my "hatred" of them. I feel so > > constrained by their labeling. They make me feel like I’m living there > > at their mercy. > This is a typical shy person theory of the way the world works, but it > has very little to do with reality.   Nobody else is labeling you, > you’re doing this to yourself.  They’re not making you feel the way > you’re feeling.  Chances are they hardly ever even think of you at all > because you haven’t given them a reason to.  You’re the one making > yourself feel like you’re living there at their mercy. > Here’s a test:  did you feel this way at some other time before you > met these people?

not at this level and with no other group of people at school at this point. I got on really well in my writing classes and made a few solid acquaintances. some people just bring out or I let them bring out the worst in my shyness. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Marlow

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