Act Acting » Acting Coach » I can't figure this out
I can't figure this out
Question:
You both sound immature, him mostly but you are telling the tale. Hey, hes out of work , dump him and see if you can get a lawyer to trick him out of a few years of wages to pay him back for your dissappointment. Robert M. the cynical
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m confused. I am recently married, less than 3 months. We had both lived on own own for a few years, and are probably set in our ways a bit. He had a house, so we moved in there. He was laid off before we got engaged, and is still not sure what he’s going to do next. I tried redecorating a bit, to make the house ours. I talked with him about it, and he went and bought over $200 of stuff for a small room. I took this as a sign that he wanted to re-decorate. However, when I started doing this, he got very upset. I asked him to remove the light so that I could paint. He reluctantly did. I finished that room as quickly as possible and stopped redecorating after that. We later talked/fought about it. He told me that my priorities were "whacked". I explained that I was just trying to contribute to this being "our" home, but I don’t think that that was enough. Fastforward, we were at a restaurant about 1 week later. (There are menus there.) I ordered red-meat. He ordered red-meat. He took a bite and then proceeded to yell at me (in public) about the amount of red meat he’s been eating. He brought up money stuff, and — basically — how I can’t do anything right and how he wasted an entire day with me because I couldn’t even paint without him. (We already got enough attention from the other tables, so I didn’t bother to respond. I just took the check, paid, and we left.) Prior to being married, he bragged about what a great cook I was to everyone. I know that I’m not the best, but I used to love to cook. I still do as long as it’s not for him. Maybe that’s an inappropriate response, but it’s hard to do something when you’re constatnly reminded how bad it is. He was reading in a dimly lit room, while I was watching TV. (It’s a small room.) I asked if I could get up and passed him to turn on the light for him. He asked why. I said that I didn’t want him to strain his eyes. He told me that that was a myth and laughed. (I felt very stupid.) I take this as belittling. What do you think. I smoke, he hates it. I’ve always smoked and never hid it from him. When I moved into his place, we agreed that I could smoke in the attic above the garage. It’s not heated/insulated, so it won’t get into the house. (There’s no place to go that’s covered outside. He won’t let me smoke in the garage because his cars are in there.) Then he complained/nagged because I smelled like smoke. I asked about setting up a joint checking account. He wanted it at his bank, so he could continue online banking. He said he would set it up, but never did. So I went and set it up. BTW, the bank notes him as the primary account holder. I am the only one who deposits money, aside from the weddign gifts. He did tell me that he withdrew money and opened a joint savings. I asked him many times to sit down with me just once to clarify what was in the account so we don’t write a bad check. I’m ignored. He tells me to check it online, but he’s the primary account holder and it calls for his password, which I do not know. (It was an interesting conversation with the bank rep.) He seems to like to throw my pillows on the floor without pillow cases. He only does this when he’s upset with me. I ask him how his day was, or if he did anything interesting, and he’s vague, or says he "ran errands". If I inquire more, he gets irritated with me. So I offer the events of my day. He says that I’m always bitching. About 2 weeks ago, I was very sick. I had a temp. and was vomiting. I said I didn’t feel well. Fast forward. He got very angry with me. I called in sick to work, and my pillows were on the floor — without the cases. I didn’t want to fight, so I took them and slept in the guest room the next night. He opened the door near midnight and yelled my name. (I get up at 4 am.) I didn’t respond, so he closed the door. The next moring he was waiting for me when I got out of the shower. He was in the hallway. He told me that he wanted me to leave. He said that he didn’t want me to have a bad day at work. He also said that he didn’t know that I was staying home the previous day. He said that I was very angry and slamming doors — which I wasn’t — and that he was scared of me. (I really have no idea why. I was too sick to even interact with him. I’ve never given him a reason to be scared. I’m at least half his size, in his domain. What’s to be scared of? When I get mad, I just shut up and hope it blows over.) This was the first time I’ve known him to get out of bed before noon since he lost his job. (He stays up till about 3 or 4 am). I was upset and told him to "F" off. He quickly returned the favor. He stood over the staircase railing yelling at me while I was trying to get my things together for work. As I was leaving, he said "Have a nice day with the kiddies." (I teach.) BTW, I enjoy sex with him. However, we’ve only had sex about 3 times since we’ve been married. There’s more, but I’ll spare you the rest. He is willing to try counseling. I want this to work, but something tells me to get out and don’t waste my time. Any thoughts?
Response:
From your description, he seems to be under extreme stress, not of your making, and the two of you have an immense communication problem.
The guy’s laid off, right? If he’s still looking for work, this is a shitload of stress and anything can set it off. I missed where in the post, if any, she mentions him working again.
Response:
There are always going to be disagreements, problems, obstacles, etc. in a marriage, even in the BEST ones. But beyond those, i sense that you two are not emotionally connected in the way that’s necessary to make a marriage able to withstand the friction and disagreements (that are inevitable in ANY relationship). I would suggest counseling – you’ve taken the step to get married, so this marriage deserves to be given that chance. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m confused. I am recently married, less than 3 months. We had both lived on own own for a few years, and are probably set in our ways a bit. He had a house, so we moved in there. He was laid off before we got engaged, and is still not sure what he’s going to do next. I tried redecorating a bit, to make the house ours. I talked with him about it, and he went and bought over $200 of stuff for a small room. I took this as a sign that he wanted to re-decorate. However, when I started doing this, he got very upset. I asked him to remove the light so that I could paint. He reluctantly did. I finished that room as quickly as possible and stopped redecorating after that. We later talked/fought about it. He told me that my priorities were "whacked". I explained that I was just trying to contribute to this being "our" home, but I don’t think that that was enough. Fastforward, we were at a restaurant about 1 week later. (There are menus there.) I ordered red-meat. He ordered red-meat. He took a bite and then proceeded to yell at me (in public) about the amount of red meat he’s been eating. He brought up money stuff, and — basically — how I can’t do anything right and how he wasted an entire day with me because I couldn’t even paint without him. (We already got enough attention from the other tables, so I didn’t bother to respond. I just took the check, paid, and we left.) Prior to being married, he bragged about what a great cook I was to everyone. I know that I’m not the best, but I used to love to cook. I still do as long as it’s not for him. Maybe that’s an inappropriate response, but it’s hard to do something when you’re constatnly reminded how bad it is. He was reading in a dimly lit room, while I was watching TV. (It’s a small room.) I asked if I could get up and passed him to turn on the light for him. He asked why. I said that I didn’t want him to strain his eyes. He told me that that was a myth and laughed. (I felt very stupid.) I take this as belittling. What do you think. I smoke, he hates it. I’ve always smoked and never hid it from him. When I moved into his place, we agreed that I could smoke in the attic above the garage. It’s not heated/insulated, so it won’t get into the house. (There’s no place to go that’s covered outside. He won’t let me smoke in the garage because his cars are in there.) Then he complained/nagged because I smelled like smoke. I asked about setting up a joint checking account. He wanted it at his bank, so he could continue online banking. He said he would set it up, but never did. So I went and set it up. BTW, the bank notes him as the primary account holder. I am the only one who deposits money, aside from the weddign gifts. He did tell me that he withdrew money and opened a joint savings. I asked him many times to sit down with me just once to clarify what was in the account so we don’t write a bad check. I’m ignored. He tells me to check it online, but he’s the primary account holder and it calls for his password, which I do not know. (It was an interesting conversation with the bank rep.) He seems to like to throw my pillows on the floor without pillow cases. He only does this when he’s upset with me. I ask him how his day was, or if he did anything interesting, and he’s vague, or says he "ran errands". If I inquire more, he gets irritated with me. So I offer the events of my day. He says that I’m always bitching. About 2 weeks ago, I was very sick. I had a temp. and was vomiting. I said I didn’t feel well. Fast forward. He got very angry with me. I called in sick to work, and my pillows were on the floor — without the cases. I didn’t want to fight, so I took them and slept in the guest room the next night. He opened the door near midnight and yelled my name. (I get up at 4 am.) I didn’t respond, so he closed the door. The next moring he was waiting for me when I got out of the shower. He was in the hallway. He told me that he wanted me to leave. He said that he didn’t want me to have a bad day at work. He also said that he didn’t know that I was staying home the previous day. He said that I was very angry and slamming doors — which I wasn’t — and that he was scared of me. (I really have no idea why. I was too sick to even interact with him. I’ve never given him a reason to be scared. I’m at least half his size, in his domain. What’s to be scared of? When I get mad, I just shut up and hope it blows over.) This was the first time I’ve known him to get out of bed before noon since he lost his job. (He stays up till about 3 or 4 am). I was upset and told him to "F" off. He quickly returned the favor. He stood over the staircase railing yelling at me while I was trying to get my things together for work. As I was leaving, he said "Have a nice day with the kiddies." (I teach.) BTW, I enjoy sex with him. However, we’ve only had sex about 3 times since we’ve been married. There’s more, but I’ll spare you the rest. He is willing to try counseling. I want this to work, but something tells me to get out and don’t waste my time. Any thoughts?
Response:
Well, if a spouse made me leave, told me that I was nuts, and did not communicate otherwise, I find that emotionally abusive. I’d chuck it and say, "You clearly have no idea what it means to be married. Find someone else’s life to screw with. You’re done screwing with mine." [Rog'] – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Thanks to all who replied, (especially McFly.) I’m responding here because "Joe" enquired about his employment status: He’s not really looking. He said he wanted to switch industries, and I’m willing to respect that. I am not upset about this because I know it wasn’t his fault. He’s very intelligent, but I am learning that his social skills are significantly less than I believed they were. Communication is a major problem. We both acknowledge that. Most specifically, his nonverbals suggest that I shouldn’t ask him what he did, or share what I did during the day (any day). He’s not working. Where I’m at right now: After he asked me to leave, I did. He said he was scared, I don’t know of what or why but the fact that he said it scared and hurt me. I did speak with him a couple of times after that to see if it was a "heat of the moment" thing, which I would have forgotten, but he’s always maintained that he didn’t want me there. I asked him to leave the house so that I could get my things, and he did. When I was finshed moving out, I called him to let him know that I was done. Then he "invited" me to move back in. I asked him about being scared, and he’s always maintained that he was/is. I don’t feel that this is healthy, for either one of us. I can’t live under a separate roof from my husband. I can’t live with the insecurity that he can throw me out of the house anytime he wants. I posted here because I don’t feel this is fixable. (When I called to schedule a counseling session, I let him know. He told me that now we could "fix" me, that I was nuts. I asked if he believed that he contributed to this in anyway, and he stated no, that he hadn’t changed — I did.) Based on that, and that this arguing is totally cyclic: every other weekend I’m good enough to be around, all other times I can get lost. Maybe we are just immature, however I believe that if you knew us, you might not feel that way. This is just a weird situation, and please remember that you’re only getting part of the story. You’re not even getting my full story, and none of his. Again, I really appreciated McFly questions, very thoughtful and helpful. Best wishes for you all…
Response:
From your description, he seems to be under extreme stress, not of your making, and the two of you have an immense communication problem. The guy’s laid off, right? If he’s still looking for work, this is a shitload of stress and anything can set it off. I missed where in the post, if any, she mentions him working again.
Thanks to all who replied, (especially McFly.) I’m responding here because "Joe" enquired about his employment status: He’s not really looking. He said he wanted to switch industries, and I’m willing to respect that. I am not upset about this because I know it wasn’t his fault. He’s very intelligent, but I am learning that his social skills are significantly less than I believed they were. Communication is a major problem. We both acknowledge that. Most specifically, his nonverbals suggest that I shouldn’t ask him what he did, or share what I did during the day (any day). He’s not working. Where I’m at right now: After he asked me to leave, I did. He said he was scared, I don’t know of what or why but the fact that he said it scared and hurt me. I did speak with him a couple of times after that to see if it was a "heat of the moment" thing, which I would have forgotten, but he’s always maintained that he didn’t want me there. I asked him to leave the house so that I could get my things, and he did. When I was finshed moving out, I called him to let him know that I was done. Then he "invited" me to move back in. I asked him about being scared, and he’s always maintained that he was/is. I don’t feel that this is healthy, for either one of us. I can’t live under a separate roof from my husband. I can’t live with the insecurity that he can throw me out of the house anytime he wants. I posted here because I don’t feel this is fixable. (When I called to schedule a counseling session, I let him know. He told me that now we could "fix" me, that I was nuts. I asked if he believed that he contributed to this in anyway, and he stated no, that he hadn’t changed — I did.) Based on that, and that this arguing is totally cyclic: every other weekend I’m good enough to be around, all other times I can get lost. Maybe we are just immature, however I believe that if you knew us, you might not feel that way. This is just a weird situation, and please remember that you’re only getting part of the story. You’re not even getting my full story, and none of his. Again, I really appreciated McFly questions, very thoughtful and helpful. Best wishes for you all…
Response:
I wonder if your husband is jealous that you are gainfully employed, and he is not. Maybe it’s taking a toll on his manhood or his ego. In any event, his behavior is quite bizarre and seems baseless. What is the logic behind his bitching about money when he’s not making any money himself? Maybe I’d understand it if you were blowing serious dough on expensive Coach purses or designer clothing for you, but house money is standard stuff for both of you, as long as you are not jacking up too much debt or putting yourself in a financial pickle. Your other comments indicate he is treating you with extreme disrespect and acting cold, detatched, cynical and immature. You sound like you have your act together fairly well (based on your post anyway), and if he is unemployed, staying up until 4 a.m. and not waking up until noon then he needs to get it together in a major way. A responsible person would treat a job search just like having an 8-5 job. Get up early, dressed and ready for job hunting, making phone calls, trying to get some leads, sending out resumes, etc. from about 8-5 when businesses are open. I think you need to ask yourself a few questions. First, do you WANT to be with him for the rest of your life and do you want to save the marriage? Deep down, if you do not, counseling is a waste of money and time, and therefore you know what you need to do. If you answered yes to question #1, then secondly, do you think he is capable of being responsible, and do you think he is willing to acknowledge that he needs to change his attitude toward you and life in general? He has to be willing to do this because you can’t change him yourself. Keep in mind that an almost fool-proof way to tell would be to consider this person’s character, as evidenced by his actions and decisions throughout the span of his life. How does he deal with problems, how does he treat others, is he honest, hard-working, lazy, can he hold a job? Can he be a team player in a relationship or is he an egotistical jerk? You get the drift. Oh and P.S. – Don’t stay with him for the sole reason of ’sex is good with him’ – that’s definitely not enough, even from a guy’s perspective. McFly
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My advice is to use birth control and not allow him to control finances is a non-transparent manner. Some things that you listed are adjustments to famiy life, some sound like depression, some sound like he is a natural born asshole. i I’m confused. I am recently married, less than 3 months. We had both lived on own own for a few years, and are probably set in our ways a bit. He had a house, so we moved in there. He was laid off before we got engaged, and is still not sure what he’s going to do next. I tried redecorating a bit, to make the house ours. I talked with him about it, and he went and bought over $200 of stuff for a small room. I took this as a sign that he wanted to re-decorate. However, when I started doing this, he got very upset. I asked him to remove the light so that I could paint. He reluctantly did. I finished that room as quickly as possible and stopped redecorating after that. We later talked/fought about it. He told me that my priorities were "whacked". I explained that I was just trying to contribute to this being "our" home, but I don’t think that that was enough. Fastforward, we were at a restaurant about 1 week later. (There are menus there.) I ordered red-meat. He ordered red-meat. He took a bite and then proceeded to yell at me (in public) about the amount of red meat he’s been eating. He brought up money stuff, and — basically — how I can’t do anything right and how he wasted an entire day with me because I couldn’t even paint without him. (We already got enough attention from the other tables, so I didn’t bother to respond. I just took the check, paid, and we left.) Prior to being married, he bragged about what a great cook I was to everyone. I know that I’m not the best, but I used to love to cook. I still do as long as it’s not for him. Maybe that’s an inappropriate response, but it’s hard to do something when you’re constatnly reminded how bad it is. He was reading in a dimly lit room, while I was watching TV. (It’s a small room.) I asked if I could get up and passed him to turn on the light for him. He asked why. I said that I didn’t want him to strain his eyes. He told me that that was a myth and laughed. (I felt very stupid.) I take this as belittling. What do you think. I smoke, he hates it. I’ve always smoked and never hid it from him. When I moved into his place, we agreed that I could smoke in the attic above the garage. It’s not heated/insulated, so it won’t get into the house. (There’s no place to go that’s covered outside. He won’t let me smoke in the garage because his cars are in there.) Then he complained/nagged because I smelled like smoke. I asked about setting up a joint checking account. He wanted it at his bank, so he could continue online banking. He said he would set it up, but never did. So I went and set it up. BTW, the bank notes him as the primary account holder. I am the only one who deposits money, aside from the weddign gifts. He did tell me that he withdrew money and opened a joint savings. I asked him many times to sit down with me just once to clarify what was in the account so we don’t write a bad check. I’m ignored. He tells me to check it online, but he’s the primary account holder and it calls for his password, which I do not know. (It was an interesting conversation with the bank rep.) He seems to like to throw my pillows on the floor without pillow cases. He only does this when he’s upset with me. I ask him how his day was, or if he did anything interesting, and he’s vague, or says he "ran errands". If I inquire more, he gets irritated with me. So I offer the events of my day. He says that I’m always bitching. About 2 weeks ago, I was very sick. I had a temp. and was vomiting. I said I didn’t feel well. Fast forward. He got very angry with me. I called in sick to work, and my pillows were on the floor — without the cases. I didn’t want to fight, so I took them and slept in the guest room the next night. He opened the door near midnight and yelled my name. (I get up at 4 am.) I didn’t respond, so he closed the door. The next moring he was waiting for me when I got out of the shower. He was in the hallway. He told me that he wanted me to leave. He said that he didn’t want me to have a bad day at work. He also said that he didn’t know that I was staying home the previous day. He said that I was very angry and slamming doors — which I wasn’t — and that he was scared of me. (I really have no idea why. I was too sick to even interact with him. I’ve never given him a reason to be scared. I’m at least half his size, in his domain. What’s to be scared of? When I get mad, I just shut up and hope it blows over.) This was the first time I’ve known him to get out of bed before noon since he lost his job. (He stays up till about 3 or 4 am). I was upset and told him to "F" off. He quickly returned the favor. He stood over the staircase railing yelling at me while I was trying to get my things together for work. As I was leaving, he said "Have a nice day with the kiddies." (I teach.) BTW, I enjoy sex with him. However, we’ve only had sex about 3 times since we’ve been married. There’s more, but I’ll spare you the rest. He is willing to try counseling. I want this to work, but something tells me to get out and don’t waste my time. Any thoughts?
Response:
it seems that you want out, and may be looking for someone to tell you to go. Not gonna do it. Unless you are planning to get a divorce or have a divorce-related question, you might find better fix-marriage stuff over at ASM… alt.support.marriage. [Rog'] – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m confused. I am recently married, less than 3 months. We had both lived on own own for a few years, and are probably set in our ways a bit. He had a house, so we moved in there. He was laid off before we got engaged, and is still not sure what he’s going to do next. I tried redecorating a bit, to make the house ours. I talked with him about it, and he went and bought over $200 of stuff for a small room. I took this as a sign that he wanted to re-decorate. However, when I started doing this, he got very upset. I asked him to remove the light so that I could paint. He reluctantly did. I finished that room as quickly as possible and stopped redecorating after that. We later talked/fought about it. He told me that my priorities were "whacked". I explained that I was just trying to contribute to this being "our" home, but I don’t think that that was enough. Fastforward, we were at a restaurant about 1 week later. (There are menus there.) I ordered red-meat. He ordered red-meat. He took a bite and then proceeded to yell at me (in public) about the amount of red meat he’s been eating. He brought up money stuff, and — basically — how I can’t do anything right and how he wasted an entire day with me because I couldn’t even paint without him. (We already got enough attention from the other tables, so I didn’t bother to respond. I just took the check, paid, and we left.) Prior to being married, he bragged about what a great cook I was to everyone. I know that I’m not the best, but I used to love to cook. I still do as long as it’s not for him. Maybe that’s an inappropriate response, but it’s hard to do something when you’re constatnly reminded how bad it is. He was reading in a dimly lit room, while I was watching TV. (It’s a small room.) I asked if I could get up and passed him to turn on the light for him. He asked why. I said that I didn’t want him to strain his eyes. He told me that that was a myth and laughed. (I felt very stupid.) I take this as belittling. What do you think. I smoke, he hates it. I’ve always smoked and never hid it from him. When I moved into his place, we agreed that I could smoke in the attic above the garage. It’s not heated/insulated, so it won’t get into the house. (There’s no place to go that’s covered outside. He won’t let me smoke in the garage because his cars are in there.) Then he complained/nagged because I smelled like smoke. I asked about setting up a joint checking account. He wanted it at his bank, so he could continue online banking. He said he would set it up, but never did. So I went and set it up. BTW, the bank notes him as the primary account holder. I am the only one who deposits money, aside from the weddign gifts. He did tell me that he withdrew money and opened a joint savings. I asked him many times to sit down with me just once to clarify what was in the account so we don’t write a bad check. I’m ignored. He tells me to check it online, but he’s the primary account holder and it calls for his password, which I do not know. (It was an interesting conversation with the bank rep.) He seems to like to throw my pillows on the floor without pillow cases. He only does this when he’s upset with me. I ask him how his day was, or if he did anything interesting, and he’s vague, or says he "ran errands". If I inquire more, he gets irritated with me. So I offer the events of my day. He says that I’m always bitching. About 2 weeks ago, I was very sick. I had a temp. and was vomiting. I said I didn’t feel well. Fast forward. He got very angry with me. I called in sick to work, and my pillows were on the floor — without the cases. I didn’t want to fight, so I took them and slept in the guest room the next night. He opened the door near midnight and yelled my name. (I get up at 4 am.) I didn’t respond, so he closed the door. The next moring he was waiting for me when I got out of the shower. He was in the hallway. He told me that he wanted me to leave. He said that he didn’t want me to have a bad day at work. He also said that he didn’t know that I was staying home the previous day. He said that I was very angry and slamming doors — which I wasn’t — and that he was scared of me. (I really have no idea why. I was too sick to even interact with him. I’ve never given him a reason to be scared. I’m at least half his size, in his domain. What’s to be scared of? When I get mad, I just shut up and hope it blows over.) This was the first time I’ve known him to get out of bed before noon since he lost his job. (He stays up till about 3 or 4 am). I was upset and told him to "F" off. He quickly returned the favor. He stood over the staircase railing yelling at me while I was trying to get my things together for work. As I was leaving, he said "Have a nice day with the kiddies." (I teach.) BTW, I enjoy sex with him. However, we’ve only had sex about 3 times since we’ve been married. There’s more, but I’ll spare you the rest. He is willing to try counseling. I want this to work, but something tells me to get out and don’t waste my time. Any thoughts?
Response:
I’m confused. I am recently married, less than 3 months. We had both lived on own own for a few years, and are probably set in our ways a bit. He had a house, so we moved in there. He was laid off before we got engaged, and is still not sure what he’s going to do next. I tried redecorating a bit, to make the house ours. I talked with him about it, and he went and bought over $200 of stuff for a small room. I took this as a sign that he wanted to re-decorate. However, when I started doing this, he got very upset. I asked him to remove the light so that I could paint. He reluctantly did. I finished that room as quickly as possible and stopped redecorating after that. We later talked/fought about it. He told me that my priorities were "whacked". I explained that I was just trying to contribute to this being "our" home, but I don’t think that that was enough. Fastforward, we were at a restaurant about 1 week later. (There are menus there.) I ordered red-meat. He ordered red-meat. He took a bite and then proceeded to yell at me (in public) about the amount of red meat he’s been eating. He brought up money stuff, and — basically — how I can’t do anything right and how he wasted an entire day with me because I couldn’t even paint without him. (We already got enough attention from the other tables, so I didn’t bother to respond. I just took the check, paid, and we left.) Prior to being married, he bragged about what a great cook I was to everyone. I know that I’m not the best, but I used to love to cook. I still do as long as it’s not for him. Maybe that’s an inappropriate response, but it’s hard to do something when you’re constatnly reminded how bad it is. He was reading in a dimly lit room, while I was watching TV. (It’s a small room.) I asked if I could get up and passed him to turn on the light for him. He asked why. I said that I didn’t want him to strain his eyes. He told me that that was a myth and laughed. (I felt very stupid.) I take this as belittling. What do you think. I smoke, he hates it. I’ve always smoked and never hid it from him. When I moved into his place, we agreed that I could smoke in the attic above the garage. It’s not heated/insulated, so it won’t get into the house. (There’s no place to go that’s covered outside. He won’t let me smoke in the garage because his cars are in there.) Then he complained/nagged because I smelled like smoke. I asked about setting up a joint checking account. He wanted it at his bank, so he could continue online banking. He said he would set it up, but never did. So I went and set it up. BTW, the bank notes him as the primary account holder. I am the only one who deposits money, aside from the weddign gifts. He did tell me that he withdrew money and opened a joint savings. I asked him many times to sit down with me just once to clarify what was in the account so we don’t write a bad check. I’m ignored. He tells me to check it online, but he’s the primary account holder and it calls for his password, which I do not know. (It was an interesting conversation with the bank rep.) He seems to like to throw my pillows on the floor without pillow cases. He only does this when he’s upset with me. I ask him how his day was, or if he did anything interesting, and he’s vague, or says he "ran errands". If I inquire more, he gets irritated with me. So I offer the events of my day. He says that I’m always bitching. About 2 weeks ago, I was very sick. I had a temp. and was vomiting. I said I didn’t feel well. Fast forward. He got very angry with me. I called in sick to work, and my pillows were on the floor — without the cases. I didn’t want to fight, so I took them and slept in the guest room the next night. He opened the door near midnight and yelled my name. (I get up at 4 am.) I didn’t respond, so he closed the door. The next moring he was waiting for me when I got out of the shower. He was in the hallway. He told me that he wanted me to leave. He said that he didn’t want me to have a bad day at work. He also said that he didn’t know that I was staying home the previous day. He said that I was very angry and slamming doors — which I wasn’t — and that he was scared of me. (I really have no idea why. I was too sick to even interact with him. I’ve never given him a reason to be scared. I’m at least half his size, in his domain. What’s to be scared of? When I get mad, I just shut up and hope it blows over.) This was the first time I’ve known him to get out of bed before noon since he lost his job. (He stays up till about 3 or 4 am). I was upset and told him to "F" off. He quickly returned the favor. He stood over the staircase railing yelling at me while I was trying to get my things together for work. As I was leaving, he said "Have a nice day with the kiddies." (I teach.) BTW, I enjoy sex with him. However, we’ve only had sex about 3 times since we’ve been married. There’s more, but I’ll spare you the rest. He is willing to try counseling. I want this to work, but something tells me to get out and don’t waste my time. Any thoughts?
Response:
| | I’m confused. | | | | I am recently married, less than 3 months. We had both lived on own | | own for a few years, and are probably set in our ways a bit. | | | | He had a house, so we moved in there. He was laid off before we got | | engaged, and is still not sure what he’s going to do next. | | | | I tried redecorating a bit, to make the house ours. I talked with | | him about it, and he went and bought over $200 of stuff for a small | | room. I took this as a sign that he wanted to re-decorate. | | However, when I started doing this, he got very upset. I asked him | | to remove the light so that I could paint. He reluctantly did. I | | finished that room as quickly as possible and stopped redecorating | | after that. We later talked/fought about it. He told me that my | | priorities were "whacked". I explained that I was just trying to | | contribute to this being "our" home, but I don’t think that that | | was enough. | | | | Fastforward, we were at a restaurant about 1 week later. (There are | | menus there.) I ordered red-meat. He ordered red-meat. He took a | | bite and then proceeded to yell at me (in public) about the amount | | of red meat he’s been eating. He brought up money stuff, and — | | basically — how I can’t do anything right and how he wasted an | | entire day with me because I couldn’t even paint without him. (We | | already got enough attention from the other tables, so I didn’t | | bother to respond. I just took the check, paid, and we left.) | | | | Prior to being married, he bragged about what a great cook I was to | | everyone. I know that I’m not the best, but I used to love to cook. | | I still do as long as it’s not for him. Maybe that’s an | | inappropriate response, but it’s hard to do something when you’re | | constatnly reminded how bad it is. | | | | He was reading in a dimly lit room, while I was watching TV. (It’s | | a small room.) I asked if I could get up and passed him to turn on | | the light for him. He asked why. I said that I didn’t want him to | | strain his eyes. He told me that that was a myth and laughed. (I | | felt very stupid.) | | | | I take this as belittling. What do you think. | | | | I smoke, he hates it. I’ve always smoked and never hid it from him. | | When I moved into his place, we agreed that I could smoke in the | | attic above the garage. It’s not heated/insulated, so it won’t get | | into the house. (There’s no place to go that’s covered outside. | | He won’t let me smoke in the garage because his cars are in there.) | | Then he complained/nagged because I smelled like smoke. | | | | I asked about setting up a joint checking account. He wanted it at | | his bank, so he could continue online banking. He said he would set | | it up, but never did. So I went and set it up. BTW, the bank notes | | him as the primary account holder. I am the only one who deposits | | money, aside from the weddign gifts. He did tell me that he | | withdrew money and opened a joint savings. I asked him many times | | to sit down with me just once to clarify what was in the account so | | we don’t write a bad check. I’m ignored. He tells me to check it | | online, but he’s the primary account holder and it calls for his | | password, which I do not know. (It was an interesting conversation | | with the bank rep.) | | | | He seems to like to throw my pillows on the floor without pillow | | cases. He only does this when he’s upset with me. | | | | I ask him how his day was, or if he did anything interesting, and | | he’s vague, or says he "ran errands". If I inquire more, he gets | | irritated with me. So I offer the events of my day. He says that | | I’m always bitching. | | | | About 2 weeks ago, I was very sick. I had a temp. and was vomiting. | | I said I didn’t feel well. Fast forward. He got very angry with | | me. I called in sick to work, and my pillows were on the floor — | | without the cases. I didn’t want to fight, so I took them and | | slept in the guest room the next night. He opened the door near | | midnight and yelled my name. (I get up at 4 am.) I didn’t | | respond, so he closed the door. | | | | The next moring he was waiting for me when I got out of the shower. | | He was in the hallway. He told me that he wanted me to leave. He | | said that he didn’t want me to have a bad day at work. He also said | | that he didn’t know that I was staying home the previous day. He | | said that I was very angry and slamming doors — which I wasn’t — | | and that he was scared of me. (I really have no idea why. I was | | too sick to even interact with him. I’ve never given him a reason | | to be scared. I’m at least half his size, in his domain. What’s to | | be scared of? When I get mad, I just shut up and hope it blows | | over.) | | | | This was the first time I’ve known him to get out of bed before noon | | since he lost his job. (He stays up till about 3 or 4 am). | | | | I was upset and told him to "F" off. He quickly returned the favor. | | He stood over the staircase railing yelling at me while I was trying | | to get my things together for work. As I was leaving, he said | | "Have a nice day with the kiddies." (I teach.) | | | | BTW, I enjoy sex with him. However, we’ve only had sex about 3 | | times since we’ve been married. | | | | There’s more, but I’ll spare you the rest. | | | | He is willing to try counseling. I want this to work, but something | | tells me to get out and don’t waste my time. | | | | Any thoughts? Lots of thoughts, but confusing ones, mostly. From your description, he seems to be under extreme stress, not of your making, and the two of you have an immense communication problem. It’s obvious, for example, that somewhere in the painting/redecorating/$200 matter there was a complete lack of understanding on his part what you were intending and a lack of understanding on your part of what he was intending by putting that money into the room. Clearly he is angry. There IS a bad smell when a smoker finishes a cigarette. The non-smokers of the world don’t realize that smokers going outside to smoke are being put upon and making a sacrifice. Smokers don’t realize that the residual odor is unpleasant for non-smokers. For him to be angry at you doing something you have done all your adult life is a manifestation of his anger, not of his offended nose. It would be truly interesting to ‘hear’ him vent his issues here. I bet he doesn’t understand that the management of money is important to you and important to both of you, and thinks you are trying to control and dominate him, for some reason that he doesn’t get at all. In any event, in some way and in some forum, he must get the opportunity to have his feelings drawn forth and enunciated so that both of you can understand what is causing so much distress and begin to fix it.
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