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don't know…

Question:

My therapist and I are at a conflict…

Hi Monica. (Atene) I’m trying to tell her that there is no "host" in the system, but she expects me to be the host because I carry the body name and maybe I am supposed to be the host, I don’t know.

From what i have read, not every system has a host. Just because you have the name of the body doesn’t necessarily mean that you are a host. Our current host has the body name, but this has not always been the case. The responsibility of hosting has been shared through the years. She thinks that I have to take more responsibility for the alters switching in and out and talk to them and tell them hey I want more outworld time but I try to explain to her that I can’t do that, it doesn’t work that way…

Our counselor initially tried to approach us the same way yours is. She wanted our Host to remain the one out throughout sessions, and for her to develop enough internal communication to be able to speak for us. However, this approach was not realistic for us.  Our Host is severely depressed, and cannot bear the burden.  We have some very strong contributors inside.  They were not willing to see the Host overwhelmed when they could function more effectively in certain circumstances than she could.  Mary is a good example.  She has a very strong sense of her own identity, and always wants to take responsibility for her own needs, and to care for the protection needs of the system. Our counselor quickly saw that it was more important to reinforce cooperation and dialog than to try to force Host to bear more burden. Now she encourages each of us to do what we are best equipped for. It is possible to increase the internal dialog and cooperation without always having the Host drive the bus. (Did you read my post which contained the metaphor of the bus?) In fact, for us it seems to be that we have more success when we are allowed to do our jobs. Of course, I am not the Host.  Perhaps some day our Host will desire to do as your counselor suggests.  At this time she does not.  Pushing her would only complicate things for everyone. I wake up in the morning and then a word, a smell, something I see and then I’ll start to get this little flash of memory and then poof I’m gone and an alter is in place.  Can I control this?  I’m not sure, I’m not sure I want to control this.  If these little flashes of memory are about the abuse and junk then I don’t want to know it and everyone in here knows that and so they’re still protecting me from the memories, right?

Our Host does not have conscious control over the switching process. We must be realistic and work on improving our cooperation.  She tried to follow the counselor’s initial wishes, but it just made her feel like a failure.  That is something she and we do not need. Does this mean that I don’t want to heal, to get well, to be cured?  I don’t think so,

I don’t believe you don’t want to heal.  If you didn’t want to heal, would you be in therapy?  Would you be seeking healing by communicating with other mutliples?  Unlikely. I just think that I’m not strong enough, I’m a woosy wimpo and I don’t want to know.  Why can’t I just continue living like this, let them handle the abuse and protect me from the memories and I’ll go on accepting coming in and out whenever they feel me strong enough to get through?  Why do I have to tell them let me see if I’m strong enough?  Why do I have to have them tell me about their abuse?  What’s wrong with the setup we have, we’ve been doing it for the 35 years of the body’s existance, since infancy apparently and I think I’m doing just fine, does that mean I want to remain ill?  Does that mean I’m not trying, that I don’t care, that I’m shirking on my responsibilities?

I know our Host feels some of these same things. I believe you want healing if you are in therapy.  That necessarily implies the need for some amount of change, comfort, challenge, hope.  However, it needs to be at a pace and in a fashion you can cope with.  Your counselor needs to accept that each of her clients has the need for an individual treatment plan.  Because plan A worked for one client doesn’t mean that it will always work for another.  I hope that you can express your feelings on this to her, and that she will understand your needs, whatever they may be. I’m so confused… Monica

Hoping that somehow this has been helpful, Eileen. — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:

Response:

I’m going to snip alot and respond to just one bit that got to me. My therapist and I are at a conflict… Hi Monica. (Atene) I’m trying to tell her that there is no "host" in the system, but she expects me to be the host because I carry the body name and maybe I am supposed to be the host, I don’t know. Our counselor initially tried to approach us the same way yours is. She wanted our Host to remain the one out throughout sessions, and for her to develop enough internal communication to be able to speak for us.

Oh! THis is a _good_ thing!?!?? I can do this and have been trying to get it to _stop_ cause I thought it would be better if each one could come out and talk independently!!!! *smacks forehead* Here’s an example of me trying to _intentionally_ stop doing something good (course I didnt’ know it was good). Mind you, my therapist never suggested that I stop, he seems perfectly ok with how we do it, but I always felt like I was getting in the way. I like how you describe it. It feels more like a positive thing that I’m good at :) Now, I can relax and work ‘just’ on the internal communication part! Oh wow!! Just this second a major ‘aha’ occurred!!! I’ll bet I can use this ‘talent’ of mine to solve an annoying problem this system has!! If the others inside are perfectly happy with me acting as liaison or go between, when I feel them ‘trying’ to come out (as I had thought before) maybe they are just trying to get me to pay attention and I don’t have to fight so hard to get out of their way! Maybe they are perfectly happy with me paying attention to them inside and then interpretting for them outside (I hear a loud ‘duh!’ and ‘finally, she gets it!’ from inside :) Man, is this going to make things so _much_ easier!!!!!!! :) However, this approach was not realistic for us.  Our Host is severely depressed, and cannot bear the burden.  We have some very strong contributors inside.  They were not willing to see the Host overwhelmed when they could function more effectively in certain circumstances than she could.  Mary is a good example.  She has a very strong sense of her own identity, and always wants to take responsibility for her own needs, and to care for the protection needs of the system. Our counselor quickly saw that it was more important to reinforce cooperation and dialog than to try to force Host to bear more burden. Now she encourages each of us to do what we are best equipped for.

Yep, I guess this _is_ what I’m good at, so I should do it, huh?:) It is possible to increase the internal dialog and cooperation without always having the Host drive the bus. (Did you read my post which contained the metaphor of the bus?) In fact, for us it seems to be that we have more success when we are allowed to do our jobs.

Again, yes! If I let the others do their ‘jobs’ (which seem to be all internal right now) and stop trying to get them to be outside, they’ll do a better job of whatever it is that they are doing!! Oh man! You people are wonderful! THere are light bulbs going on all over the place! People have been saying this to me for awhile now but thanks to you two wonderful posters I GET IT! *whoopee!* No wonder this approach didn’t work. I was trying to convince the others to do stuff that they didn’t want to do and weren’t good at anyway! *ta da!* :) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Of course, I am not the Host.  Perhaps some day our Host will desire to do as your counselor suggests.  At this time she does not.  Pushing her would only complicate things for everyone. I wake up in the morning and then a word, a smell, something I see and then I’ll start to get this little flash of memory and then poof I’m gone and an alter is in place.  Can I control this?  I’m not sure, I’m not sure I want to control this.  If these little flashes of memory are about the abuse and junk then I don’t want to know it and everyone in here knows that and so they’re still protecting me from the memories, right? Our Host does not have conscious control over the switching process. We must be realistic and work on improving our cooperation.  She tried to follow the counselor’s initial wishes, but it just made her feel like a failure.  That is something she and we do not need. Does this mean that I don’t want to heal, to get well, to be cured?  I don’t think so, I don’t believe you don’t want to heal.  If you didn’t want to heal, would you be in therapy?  Would you be seeking healing by communicating with other mutliples?  Unlikely. I just think that I’m not strong enough, I’m a woosy wimpo and I don’t want to know.  Why can’t I just continue living like this, let them handle the abuse and protect me from the memories and I’ll go on accepting coming in and out whenever they feel me strong enough to get through?  Why do I have to tell them let me see if I’m strong enough?  Why do I have to have them tell me about their abuse?  What’s wrong with the setup we have, we’ve been doing it for the 35 years of the body’s existance, since infancy apparently and I think I’m doing just fine, does that mean I want to remain ill?  Does that mean I’m not trying, that I don’t care, that I’m shirking on my responsibilities?

But, all you have to do is what you are good at and let the others do their jobs as well! The difference is that now all of you can try to do your jobs _cooperatively_ and stop falling over each other and cancelling out each others good intentions. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I know our Host feels some of these same things. I believe you want healing if you are in therapy.  That necessarily implies the need for some amount of change, comfort, challenge, hope.  However, it needs to be at a pace and in a fashion you can cope with.  Your counselor needs to accept that each of her clients has the need for an individual treatment plan.  Because plan A worked for one client doesn’t mean that it will always work for another.  I hope that you can express your feelings on this to her, and that she will understand your needs, whatever they may be. I’m so confused… Monica Hoping that somehow this has been helpful, Eileen.

Well it was to _me_! :) Thank you, both of you (and the rest of you too:) Rainbow Colors (Jill) —      I choose to post non-anon because my abusers are afraid.      They would have to admit something happened in order to      confront me; this they will never do. They are the only      people who will be upset if they know who I am, and they      are too afraid to admit to what they did.                        Black of Rainbow Colors

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