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Is there any chance at all?

Question:

Ditto on situation. I tried to help my wife, but she said she had to do it herself.  She tried counseling, but all the counselors wanted to do was put her on drugs.  This bad experience kept us from marriage counseling. I gave my wife YEARS of time to work out her past.  Now that she has come to terms with a lot of issues in her past, she is filing for a divorce. I am hurt, upset, &^$, and all that.  I gave her all my love and support, and it turns out it was not good enough. Good luck! Mark – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Mike – Your situation sounds very similar to my own.  My wife just became unhappy.  Some of it related to events from her childhood, others from feelings she had denied. What I did was give her the time and space she wanted.  For 3 to 4 months I had minimal contact with her.  As it turned out, things didn’t work out and she decided that she wanted a divorce. Can you salvage things?  It’s very hard to say at this time.  Based on my experience I can’t offer too much hope.  Keep doing what you’ve been doing, especially the counseling, and give it some time.  Don’t do anything rash and take it slowly. glen Up until the past few months I thought I was one of the luckiest guys alive.  I was happy, financially sound, have lots friends, and most importantly a great wife. snip . . . My question is this:  Is there any chance that my marrage can be salvaged?

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Mike: This is heartbreaking to hear about.  I can’t say for sure that there is or isn’t a chance for you, but I can say that her depression is probably what’s making her feel all of this.  Depression is a weird thing.  When it hits you, or engulfs you rather, you don’t believe you ever felt good.  One of the things that makes me think it is the depression speaking is how she says she never loved you and  she will never love anybody because of things that happened to her in the past.  That is classic depression speaking, even for a measly weasel Psych student.  Furthermore, I have been depressed, I mean clinically depressed, and I know whereof she speaks.   So, to make a long story short, yes, I do believe there is  hope, if she gets proper treatment for her depression, and by that I mean drug treatment with therapy.  But again, I dont know her, and she might be making excuses, so the best thing for you to do is to go out there and get a life as if she weren’t coming back, and if she does, its a happy surprise.   Hang in there! Stephanie

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Mike I miss her so much and feel as if my whole life is about to end.  I’m starting to lose hope.

Believe me sir, you are not alone.  I’ve been through this too, as have many others in this group.  It helped me so much to know that I wasn’t alone in my feelings of sadness, hopelessness, & terror.  I thought my life was about to end too, and it may not seem like it right now, but "This too shall pass".  (Although the first time someone told me that I wanted to tell them to F*** O**) Take one day at a time man.  Every day gets a little bit easier.  You’re doing the right thing by getting some counseling, if not for the sake of your marriage, for the sake of your own sanity. DF  

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Im afraid she is cheating on you. I know you dont want to believe it but you should go ahead & accept it. I was in the same position.                                          Shawn

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Mike… Sorry about your situation as I am in a similar one, my wife walked out with no warning when for 5 years she’s been saying how great our marriage is and how wonderful I am. She also had a fucked up childhood. I got her to go to a therapist once after all of this started (8 weeks ago), and the therapist told us both SHE has a ton of unresolved shit from childhood..broke my heart. BUT, she has lied to me in the past 8 weeks multiple times, is probably sleeping with a lesbian friend, is doing drugs etc. This is ALL 8 weeks old, and I loved her more than anything..BUT I feel that I really don’t want to set myself up for a lifetime of this nonsense, and even though its painful, I DO deserve more…an adult would be nice..:) I would suggest you cut her off completely, you sound like a nice guy, you deserve an adult, not a child. There are TONS of great women out there (more than I can say for men!..hehe), and it sounds like you are a decent human being. I like to think that I am as well, thats why I think its time to find someone who really honors their commitments. Let her go, the pain she is going to put you through (even though you may well be able to deal with it all), is not worth it..ever heard of codependancy? I think counseling for you is a great idea (I’m going to be going myself), but the counselor that saw us had me promise not to divorce her for 6 months, and now I’m sorry I gave my word, because hell, I’d be out there starting a new life already!! So, counselors are there to try to save your marriage, but they invariably have to put an unfair burden on one party if the other one is totally fucked up. Its up to you if you want to be the donkey.. I’m sorry that it happened to you, you sound like a nice guy, but hell, I’m told I’m a GREAT guy all the time by women, and it happened to me too! Some times people freak out, and it has nothing to do with you…good luck! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – (snip snip) My question is this:  Is there any chance that my marriage can be salvaged? In a big way!!!! Help her by giving her some time and space, but in the mean time seek help yourself. Find a really good marriage counselor. You sound like you really love your wife, and it seems she is fighting with personal issues of her childhood. Which can really confuse and damage a person. She needs to go to counseling with you … ask her if she will go. I’ve been where she is … and the best thing (in my opinion) is to give her time, but let her know you are still there for her. Good luck … it sounds like you have a very good chance for a reconciliation. Spiderweb

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Mike – Your situation sounds very similar to my own.  My wife just became unhappy.  Some of it related to events from her childhood, others from feelings she had denied. What I did was give her the time and space she wanted.  For 3 to 4 months I had minimal contact with her.  As it turned out, things didn’t work out and she decided that she wanted a divorce. Can you salvage things?  It’s very hard to say at this time.  Based on my experience I can’t offer too much hope.  Keep doing what you’ve been doing, especially the counseling, and give it some time.  Don’t do anything rash and take it slowly. glen – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Up until the past few months I thought I was one of the luckiest guys alive.  I was happy, financially sound, have lots friends, and most importantly a great wife. snip . . . My question is this:  Is there any chance that my marrage can be salvaged?

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You might want to ask her sister if she likes someone else.  She probably won’t tell you the truth – but you might be able to tell from her reaction.

I’ll give her sister a shot but I don’t hold much hope.  Her sister is an alcoholic, she’s been divorced twice, and she’s currently living with a guy she bought a house with while her husband is in another state.  She’s also the queen of liars so if she wants to lie to me I’m probably not going to be able to detect it. Right now my wife and I are going to counsel ling sessions separately, but the same counselor. The counselor has asked me lots of questions about how close my wife is to other women.  I didn’t think too much about that at first until my counselor started asking me things like does my wife have homosexuals in her family, if I suspected that she may secretly hold homosexual desires, and other similar questions. That line of questions stopped when my counselor saw I was starting to panic.  I know the counselor’s code of ethics won’t allow her to tell me what she is talking about with my wife, but she’s told me that a lot of questions she asks me are geared towards her trying to understand my wife. I’m 99% sure there’s not another man in her life.  However, if she is homosexual or bisexual she could easily be seeing another woman.  In fact it could be 2 other women.  I just hope to God that this isn’t the case and that it’s just something devised by my own mind because of a few routine questions asked by my counselor.

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(snip snip) My question is this:  Is there any chance that my marriage can be salvaged?

In a big way!!!! Help her by giving her some time and space, but in the mean time seek help yourself. Find a really good marriage counselor. You sound like you really love your wife, and it seems she is fighting with personal issues of her childhood. Which can really confuse and damage a person. She needs to go to counseling with you … ask her if she will go. I’ve been where she is … and the best thing (in my opinion) is to give her time, but let her know you are still there for her. Good luck … it sounds like you have a very good chance for a reconciliation. Spiderweb

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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Up until the past few months I thought I was one of the luckiest guys alive.  I was happy, financially sound, have lots friends, and most importantly a great wife. Then a few months ago my wife started acting depressed.  She’s was working long hours and most weekends.  When ever I talked to her about it she just told me her current work assignments were demanding and very stressfull but not to worry because it would pass.  It’s always been hard to get her to open up to me. Well, 3 weeks ago she moved out of the house and in with her sister. She told me that she didn’t know who she was and that she’s never really loved me in the 11 years we’ve been married.  She says she needs some space to figure things out.  She wasn’t angry when she said this but more just broken up about knowing she was hurting me. We both have excellent high paying jobs so financials are not a problem for us.  We have no kids by choice and we almost never fight certainly there’s never been any physical violence between us.  She says there’s not another male in her life and I’m abosolutely sure the problem is not that she’s fooling around on me.  We share the house work equally, I cook, do laundry, yard work, vacuum, dust, I even clean the toilets regularly so I don’t think it’s any kind of share the responsibilities type of problem. This is so confusing to me.  She says she married me for all the wrong reasons.  The reasons she says she did marry me for was that "she was comfortable with me", "we have the same values", "we like doing the same things", "I’m intellegent and funny"….  What’s wierd is that those are the same reasons why I married her and I thought they were good reasons. Fortunately we’re both in counselling but today she told me that she was certain there was no chance for us and that she was only in counselling for herself, not for me or our marriage.  She also mentioned again that not only has she never really loved me but she doesn’t think she is ever going to be capable of ever loving anybody because of things that happened to her when she was a child.  I think it was about the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. I miss her so much and feel as if my whole life is about to end.  I’m starting to lose hope. My question is this:  Is there any chance that my marrage can be salvaged? Any help would be greatly appreciated especially if someone might have some insight on what might be happening with my marriage. Mike Taylor

Hi Mike.  Sorry about your pain. Gonna give you 2 opinions.  One from a book – and the other from my experience. The book "Rebuilding…" by Bruce Fisher talks of situations like this. Many people bring unresolved issues from the parental home into a marriage hoping that the other person "completes" them.  Doesn’t happen. It says relationships are like bridges requiring 2 solid foundations. She doesn’t sound solid.  The sad part is that sometimes the other person did absolutely nothing to make the breakup happen.  You’re fortunate you didn’t have any kids with her. The book also says that most people go through a rebellious stage at some point in their lives.  Most men get it out of their systems in their teens.  Many women have always been the "good little girl" and go through it when they’re married. I read the book last October, so I hope I didn’t butcher what the book really says. And now from my experience: Although you are sure there is no new man in her life, I would bet there is somebody who has her interest.  Having been a regular in ASD for quite a while, it seems to me that most of the dumpers who use boredom, space and apathy as excuses frequently downplay the fact that there is someone new in their lives.  The long hours and weekends aren’t good.  If she lost weight, and took a sudden new interest in her appearance then it’s really not good. You might want to ask her sister if she likes someone else.  She probably won’t tell you the truth – but you might be able to tell from her reaction.  Don’t bother asking your wife.  Once people convince themselves they deserve more than they have, the can become very good liars. JMO Ken

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Up until the past few months I thought I was one of the luckiest guys alive.  I was happy, financially sound, have lots friends, and most importantly a great wife. Then a few months ago my wife started acting depressed.  She’s was working long hours and most weekends.  When ever I talked to her about it she just told me her current work assignments were demanding and very stressfull but not to worry because it would pass.  It’s always been hard to get her to open up to me. Well, 3 weeks ago she moved out of the house and in with her sister. She told me that she didn’t know who she was and that she’s never really loved me in the 11 years we’ve been married.  She says she needs some space to figure things out.  She wasn’t angry when she said this but more just broken up about knowing she was hurting me. We both have excellent high paying jobs so financials are not a problem for us.  We have no kids by choice and we almost never fight certainly there’s never been any physical violence between us.  She says there’s not another male in her life and I’m abosolutely sure the problem is not that she’s fooling around on me.  We share the house work equally, I cook, do laundry, yard work, vacuum, dust, I even clean the toilets regularly so I don’t think it’s any kind of share the responsibilities type of problem. This is so confusing to me.  She says she married me for all the wrong reasons.  The reasons she says she did marry me for was that "she was comfortable with me", "we have the same values", "we like doing the same things", "I’m intellegent and funny"….  What’s wierd is that those are the same reasons why I married her and I thought they were good reasons. Fortunately we’re both in counselling but today she told me that she was certain there was no chance for us and that she was only in counselling for herself, not for me or our marriage.  She also mentioned again that not only has she never really loved me but she doesn’t think she is ever going to be capable of ever loving anybody because of things that happened to her when she was a child.  I think it was about the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. I miss her so much and feel as if my whole life is about to end.  I’m starting to lose hope. My question is this:  Is there any chance that my marrage can be salvaged? Any help would be greatly appreciated especially if someone might have some insight on what might be happening with my marriage. Mike Taylor

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