Act Acting » Acting Jobs » It's about time

It's about time

Question:

Wow!  What a thoughtful and helpful reply.  Thanks!  You’ve given me lots to work with.  Actually, your last two words of counsel are most attractive to me… I’ll just lighten up because she is almost the perfect mate and I’m so lucky to have her in my life.  I’m pretty ashamed of having made an issue of 10 measily minutes!  Take care! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -cjmorga…@aol.com (CJMorgan59) wrote: >dwbur…@ucdavis.edu  (DWB) wrote: >>Compared to many of the problems expressed on this newsgroup mine may >>seem small, but it is about the only one that keeps my relationship >>with my significant other from being perfect.  It’s all about time.  I >>live by it and she could (almost) care less.  I know I am too much of >>a clock watcher and like to always be on time for everything.  She is >>on time for the important things, but the rest of time she is not too >>concerned.  As an example… we were to go shopping yesterday and she >>said she would call me at 3:30 ish to let me know she was ready.  I >>assumed 3:30ish meant sometime between 3:30 and 3:45.  When she called >>at 3:55 I was a bit annoyed.  Now that I look back at it I feel bad >>that I made an issue of it.  Luckily, we talked about it right at the >>time and I asked her (in the future) to call me if she was going to be >>running more thant 15 minutes late.  She thought she could do that, >>but also said it felt somewhat controlling.  I can see her point.  My >>specific request here is to see what others do in relationships where >>one partner is a time watcher and the other one not.  There must be >>simple solutions to this challenge that I don’t see at the moment. >>Thanks for any helpful/constructive advice anyone can provide. >If what you say is true — that it is only this time issue which keeps your >relationship from being perfect — then just think of ways to work around the >problem to keep yourself from being victimized, or else learn to become a bit >more flexible. Or both. >My wife and I both have our moments when we’re each clock watchers, and each >have our moments when we’re not. >For example, there are some times when she’s running late at work or chooses to >work overtime…. and I’m waiting for us both to be home to have dinner. If >she’s going to be running more than half an hour late, I ask her to call me. >And this only so that I’m not just endlessing waiting and can just go ahead an >have dinner — an evening where it’s sort of "fend for yourself." >But even if she didn’t call, I would still not allow myself to be victimized by >the situation. If she’s not home by a certain time and I’m hungry, I’m just >going to go ahead, make supper, and eat. >Here’s another example, this one where the roles are reversed (i.e. my wife is >watching the clock and I’m being the doddler). It’s happened in the past where >we’ve decided to go out of town for the weekend — like some of our normal >trips to the in-laws. And my wife is packed and ready to go, and I’m still >puttering about, much delayed behind the time we were scheduled to leave. >There was a time where she would just sit there and fume about this… and gets >victimized. >But these days, she rather turns it into an either/or situation. Like the few >days before the last time we were scheduled to visit the in-laws. She wanted to >go for four days. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go that long. And she certainly >didn’t want another situation where she’s sitting there ready to go, and I’m >still mulling about with this, that, or the other at home. >So she said that she wanted to leave by Saturday at noon by latest. And she >wanted my commitment on that. But if I couldn’t give it and follow through on >that commitment, then she said she’d just rather take the train out to her >folks place, and I could just meet up with her whenever I choose to drive out. >Now which of these two options I choose isn’t important. What is important is >that she knows me and my patterns, and simply didn’t want to be victimized by >them. So there was no controling — I wasn’t forced onto her schedule; she’d >just as soon take the train if I was going to doddle about getting to the >in-laws. But she also wasn’t going to get victimized just by waiting around. >So those are two examples — myself waiting upon my wife to get home for our >dinner time and her waiting upon me for a road trip out of town — where we’ve >learned to work around each other so that neither one is controling the other, >and yet neither of us is going to let the pre-occupations of the other person >just have us acting like a victim who has no options for themselves. >So that’s what I mean by thinking of ways to work around the problem to keep >yourself from being victimized. >Only that doesn’t alway work. Does it? Because there times, like in your >example, where you’re waiting upon the other person because what you plan to do >can’t begin until either your spouse joins up with you (like waiting for a >spouse to come home so the two of you can go shopping together), or else >waiting for them because you can’t begin your plan together until their ready >(like wanting to go shopping together, but perhaps they’re doddling around the >house). >And here’s where it helps to be flexible. If they say let’s go shopping at >3:30ish, and they don’t show up until 4PM, be flexible and just let it go. >If you know your spouse is habitually tardy, make allowance for that. >And you know, if you have half an hour or an hour to kill, make use of that >time. No matter how much we get done around the house, for example, there is >always a million 5 minute jobs which need to get done. So if you feel the need >to squeeze very productive moment out of your day, then when you’re waiting >upon your spouse, the do one, or three, or half a dozen of these five minute >jobs. >That way our spouse can be themselves, and we can still feel like we’re being >most productive with every minute of our day. >But what if you’re not at home and waiting? Suppose you agreed to meet up at >some restaurant and you find yourself waiting for your spouse then? What to do >with one’s time then? >Once again, there are numberous things we can do with our time while we’re >waiting for others — pull out the novel we’re currently reading, or make a few >cell phone calls, or update the daytimer…. just to name the first three >things which popped into my mind. >But the essence of it all is still the same — to allow others to be who they >are, but to be flexible and work around their habitual patterns so we don’t >allow ourselves to become victimized. >Look, every spouse has their good points and their character limitations. And >if you’re with someone who seems to have significantly more good points than >bad, then for those ones which we aren’t so keen about, we’re just wise to >learn to be flexible and to constructively think of ways to work around those >limitations just to keep ourselves from being victimized. >And sometimes that requires a bit of forward thinking — like my wife deciding >that if I don’t want to go to the in-laws by a particular time, she can just >take the train — and sometimes it’s as easy as just not being so rigid in our >time… like doing some five minute projects while we’re waiting for our >spouse, or just coming to terms with the idea that when our spouse says "let’s >meet at 3:30" that we know from previous experience that might mean 3:30 or 4PM >or 4:30PM. >I mean if you have a spouse and you’re telling me that the biggest problem the >two of you have is that she says she’s going to be there at 3:30ish and she >shows up 25 minutes after that… if that’s the only problem which keeps this >relationship from being absolutely perfect, then I might suggest you stop >trying to expect perfection from another human being, work around this very >minor imperfection if you absolutely insist on squeezing every last second out >of your day (by doing a number of 5 minute projects.. which we all have a ton >of). And beyond that, the only other two word of counsel I can suggest is just >this: lighten up. >Anyway, I hope that perspective is of some help, >CJ

Response:

Compared to many of the problems expressed on this newsgroup mine may seem small, but it is about the only one that keeps my relationship with my significant other from being perfect.  It’s all about time.  I live by it and she could (almost) care less.  I know I am too much of a clock watcher and like to always be on time for everything.  She is on time for the important things, but the rest of time she is not too concerned.  As an example… we were to go shopping yesterday and she said she would call me at 3:30 ish to let me know she was ready.  I assumed 3:30ish meant sometime between 3:30 and 3:45.  When she called at 3:55 I was a bit annoyed.  Now that I look back at it I feel bad that I made an issue of it.  Luckily, we talked about it right at the time and I asked her (in the future) to call me if she was going to be running more thant 15 minutes late.  She thought she could do that, but also said it felt somewhat controlling.  I can see her point.  My specific request here is to see what others do in relationships where one partner is a time watcher and the other one not.  There must be simple solutions to this challenge that I don’t see at the moment. Thanks for any helpful/constructive advice anyone can provide. Dave

Response:

>From: dwbur…@ucdavis.edu  (DWB) >It’s all about time.  I >live by it and she could (almost) care less.  

Please explain what that means. Regarding the time issue…I think it’s safe to say that most couples have this issue and deal with it by not making it an issue.  If you know that your spouse is always late, then tell yourself that she is going to be late and you be late as well.  If she says 3:30 ISH, know that it means around 4. One of my good friends has this issue big time with her spouse and it’s especially annoying when they fly.  He is always late to leave and they arrive at the airport to close for comfort for my friend.  They now take different cars so that she can leave when she wants to leave. Figure out what you can do to make yourself feel better.  She is not going to change or care more about it because of you.   One thing that I do with my husband when I need him to be home at a certain time so that I can leave on MY time….I tell him 30 minutes earlier than I have to leave.  He gets mad that I don’t leave right away but I don’t care. It’s better than me getting worried that he won’t be on time for me to go see a client.

Response:

"DWB" <dwbur…@ucdavis.edu> wrote in message

news:3e034df0.78754472@news.ucdavis.edu… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Compared to many of the problems expressed on this newsgroup mine may > seem small, but it is about the only one that keeps my relationship > with my significant other from being perfect.  It’s all about time.  I > live by it and she could (almost) care less.  I know I am too much of > a clock watcher and like to always be on time for everything.  She is > on time for the important things, but the rest of time she is not too > concerned.  As an example… we were to go shopping yesterday and she > said she would call me at 3:30 ish to let me know she was ready.  I > assumed 3:30ish meant sometime between 3:30 and 3:45.  When she called > at 3:55 I was a bit annoyed.  Now that I look back at it I feel bad > that I made an issue of it.  Luckily, we talked about it right at the > time and I asked her (in the future) to call me if she was going to be > running more thant 15 minutes late.  She thought she could do that, > but also said it felt somewhat controlling.  I can see her point.  My > specific request here is to see what others do in relationships where > one partner is a time watcher and the other one not.  There must be > simple solutions to this challenge that I don’t see at the moment. > Thanks for any helpful/constructive advice anyone can provide.

I would try to "adjust"… in other words, just "know" in your head that to HER, 3:30-ish means a 30 minute window. JWB

Response:

"DWB" <dwbur…@ucdavis.edu> wrote… > Compared to many of the problems expressed on this > newsgroup mine may seem small, but it is about the only > one that keeps my relationship with my significant other > from being perfect.  It’s all about time.  I live by it and > she could (almost) care less.

————— IMHO, over time <here I cannot be precise ;-) >, each spouse needs to develop a tolerance, if not grudging respect, for the idiosyncratic (odd) behaviors of the other.  Total conformity to your personal codes and protocols is unrealistic.  IOW, I see a mature relationship as being one in which you can say, "That’s the way she is, so that’s how its going to be." [Roger]

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -dwbur…@ucdavis.edu  (DWB) wrote: >Compared to many of the problems expressed on this newsgroup mine may >seem small, but it is about the only one that keeps my relationship >with my significant other from being perfect.  It’s all about time.  I >live by it and she could (almost) care less.  I know I am too much of >a clock watcher and like to always be on time for everything.  She is >on time for the important things, but the rest of time she is not too >concerned.  As an example… we were to go shopping yesterday and she >said she would call me at 3:30 ish to let me know she was ready.  I >assumed 3:30ish meant sometime between 3:30 and 3:45.  When she called >at 3:55 I was a bit annoyed.  Now that I look back at it I feel bad >that I made an issue of it.  Luckily, we talked about it right at the >time and I asked her (in the future) to call me if she was going to be >running more thant 15 minutes late.  She thought she could do that, >but also said it felt somewhat controlling.  I can see her point.  My >specific request here is to see what others do in relationships where >one partner is a time watcher and the other one not.  There must be >simple solutions to this challenge that I don’t see at the moment. >Thanks for any helpful/constructive advice anyone can provide.

If what you say is true — that it is only this time issue which keeps your relationship from being perfect — then just think of ways to work around the problem to keep yourself from being victimized, or else learn to become a bit more flexible. Or both. My wife and I both have our moments when we’re each clock watchers, and each have our moments when we’re not. For example, there are some times when she’s running late at work or chooses to work overtime…. and I’m waiting for us both to be home to have dinner. If she’s going to be running more than half an hour late, I ask her to call me. And this only so that I’m not just endlessing waiting and can just go ahead an have dinner — an evening where it’s sort of "fend for yourself." But even if she didn’t call, I would still not allow myself to be victimized by the situation. If she’s not home by a certain time and I’m hungry, I’m just going to go ahead, make supper, and eat. Here’s another example, this one where the roles are reversed (i.e. my wife is watching the clock and I’m being the doddler). It’s happened in the past where we’ve decided to go out of town for the weekend — like some of our normal trips to the in-laws. And my wife is packed and ready to go, and I’m still puttering about, much delayed behind the time we were scheduled to leave. There was a time where she would just sit there and fume about this… and gets victimized. But these days, she rather turns it into an either/or situation. Like the few days before the last time we were scheduled to visit the in-laws. She wanted to go for four days. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go that long. And she certainly didn’t want another situation where she’s sitting there ready to go, and I’m still mulling about with this, that, or the other at home. So she said that she wanted to leave by Saturday at noon by latest. And she wanted my commitment on that. But if I couldn’t give it and follow through on that commitment, then she said she’d just rather take the train out to her folks place, and I could just meet up with her whenever I choose to drive out. Now which of these two options I choose isn’t important. What is important is that she knows me and my patterns, and simply didn’t want to be victimized by them. So there was no controling — I wasn’t forced onto her schedule; she’d just as soon take the train if I was going to doddle about getting to the in-laws. But she also wasn’t going to get victimized just by waiting around. So those are two examples — myself waiting upon my wife to get home for our dinner time and her waiting upon me for a road trip out of town — where we’ve learned to work around each other so that neither one is controling the other, and yet neither of us is going to let the pre-occupations of the other person just have us acting like a victim who has no options for themselves. So that’s what I mean by thinking of ways to work around the problem to keep yourself from being victimized. Only that doesn’t alway work. Does it? Because there times, like in your example, where you’re waiting upon the other person because what you plan to do can’t begin until either your spouse joins up with you (like waiting for a spouse to come home so the two of you can go shopping together), or else waiting for them because you can’t begin your plan together until their ready (like wanting to go shopping together, but perhaps they’re doddling around the house). And here’s where it helps to be flexible. If they say let’s go shopping at 3:30ish, and they don’t show up until 4PM, be flexible and just let it go. If you know your spouse is habitually tardy, make allowance for that. And you know, if you have half an hour or an hour to kill, make use of that time. No matter how much we get done around the house, for example, there is always a million 5 minute jobs which need to get done. So if you feel the need to squeeze very productive moment out of your day, then when you’re waiting upon your spouse, the do one, or three, or half a dozen of these five minute jobs. That way our spouse can be themselves, and we can still feel like we’re being most productive with every minute of our day. But what if you’re not at home and waiting? Suppose you agreed to meet up at some restaurant and you find yourself waiting for your spouse then? What to do with one’s time then? Once again, there are numberous things we can do with our time while we’re waiting for others — pull out the novel we’re currently reading, or make a few cell phone calls, or update the daytimer…. just to name the first three things which popped into my mind. But the essence of it all is still the same — to allow others to be who they are, but to be flexible and work around their habitual patterns so we don’t allow ourselves to become victimized. Look, every spouse has their good points and their character limitations. And if you’re with someone who seems to have significantly more good points than bad, then for those ones which we aren’t so keen about, we’re just wise to learn to be flexible and to constructively think of ways to work around those limitations just to keep ourselves from being victimized. And sometimes that requires a bit of forward thinking — like my wife deciding that if I don’t want to go to the in-laws by a particular time, she can just take the train — and sometimes it’s as easy as just not being so rigid in our time… like doing some five minute projects while we’re waiting for our spouse, or just coming to terms with the idea that when our spouse says "let’s meet at 3:30" that we know from previous experience that might mean 3:30 or 4PM or 4:30PM. I mean if you have a spouse and you’re telling me that the biggest problem the two of you have is that she says she’s going to be there at 3:30ish and she shows up 25 minutes after that… if that’s the only problem which keeps this relationship from being absolutely perfect, then I might suggest you stop trying to expect perfection from another human being, work around this very minor imperfection if you absolutely insist on squeezing every last second out of your day (by doing a number of 5 minute projects.. which we all have a ton of). And beyond that, the only other two word of counsel I can suggest is just this: lighten up. Anyway, I hope that perspective is of some help, CJ

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -dwbur…@ucdavis.edu (DWB) writes: > Compared to many of the problems expressed on this newsgroup mine may > seem small, but it is about the only one that keeps my relationship > with my significant other from being perfect.  It’s all about time.  I > live by it and she could (almost) care less.  I know I am too much of > a clock watcher and like to always be on time for everything.  She is > on time for the important things, but the rest of time she is not too > concerned.  As an example… we were to go shopping yesterday and she > said she would call me at 3:30 ish to let me know she was ready.  I > assumed 3:30ish meant sometime between 3:30 and 3:45.  When she called > at 3:55 I was a bit annoyed.  Now that I look back at it I feel bad > that I made an issue of it.  Luckily, we talked about it right at the > time and I asked her (in the future) to call me if she was going to be > running more thant 15 minutes late.  She thought she could do that, > but also said it felt somewhat controlling.  I can see her point.  My > specific request here is to see what others do in relationships where > one partner is a time watcher and the other one not.  There must be > simple solutions to this challenge that I don’t see at the moment. > Thanks for any helpful/constructive advice anyone can provide.

We have similar problems.   When it is really important for me that my wife be on time (like I’m waiting with the kids for her to come so that I can then get to an appointment at work) I tell her that it’s really important.  (I also lie slightly about when I have to leave to make up for the fact that she’ll _still_ be 5 minutes late). When I’m arranging an appointment with my wife where I’m going to be altering my schedule, or waiting somewhere for her,  I ask very explicitly for her to call me if she is going to be more than 5 minutes late.   She understands that I value my time, and respects that, and doesn’t consider it controlling. Our biggest unresolved issue is when it is her turn to get the kids to lessons, etc.  Often I’ve made the arrangements, and then we split the transportation.  It doesn’t affect me directly, but I don’t like it when my daughter is brought 10 minutes late to a 45 minute lesson.  I feel like it is disrespectful to the teacher, and that even though it isn’t my fault, it feels like it reflects on me since often I’ve made the arrangments and so forth. My wife says "I get her there, just in my own way."  So we haven’t got a solution to that one.         Doug

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->From: cjmorga…@aol.com  (CJMorgan59) >If what you say is true — that it is only this time issue which keeps your >relationship from being perfect — then just think of ways to work around the >problem to keep yourself from being victimized, or else learn to become a bit >more flexible. Or both. >My wife and I both have our moments when we’re each clock watchers, and each >have our moments when we’re not. >For example, there are some times when she’s running late at work or chooses >to >work overtime…. and I’m waiting for us both to be home to have dinner. If >she’s going to be running more than half an hour late, I ask her to call me. >And this only so that I’m not just endlessing waiting and can just go ahead >an >have dinner — an evening where it’s sort of "fend for yourself." >But even if she didn’t call, I would still not allow myself to be victimized >by >the situation. If she’s not home by a certain time and I’m hungry, I’m just >going to go ahead, make supper, and eat. >Here’s another example, this one where the roles are reversed (i.e. my wife >is >watching the clock and I’m being the doddler). It’s happened in the past >where >we’ve decided to go out of town for the weekend — like some of our normal >trips to the in-laws. And my wife is packed and ready to go, and I’m still >puttering about, much delayed behind the time we were scheduled to leave. >There was a time where she would just sit there and fume about this… and >gets >victimized. >But these days, she rather turns it into an either/or situation. Like the few >days before the last time we were scheduled to visit the in-laws. She wanted >to >go for four days. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go that long. And she certainly >didn’t want another situation where she’s sitting there ready to go, and I’m >still mulling about with this, that, or the other at home. >So she said that she wanted to leave by Saturday at noon by latest. And she >wanted my commitment on that. But if I couldn’t give it and follow through on >that commitment, then she said she’d just rather take the train out to her >folks place, and I could just meet up with her whenever I choose to drive >out. >Now which of these two options I choose isn’t important. What is important is >that she knows me and my patterns, and simply didn’t want to be victimized by >them. So there was no controling — I wasn’t forced onto her schedule; she’d >just as soon take the train if I was going to doddle about getting to the >in-laws. But she also wasn’t going to get victimized just by waiting around. >So those are two examples — myself waiting upon my wife to get home for our >dinner time and her waiting upon me for a road trip out of town — where >we’ve >learned to work around each other so that neither one is controling the >other, >and yet neither of us is going to let the pre-occupations of the other person >just have us acting like a victim who has no options for themselves. >So that’s what I mean by thinking of ways to work around the problem to keep >yourself from being victimized. >Only that doesn’t alway work. Does it? Because there times, like in your >example, where you’re waiting upon the other person because what you plan to >do >can’t begin until either your spouse joins up with you (like waiting for a >spouse to come home so the two of you can go shopping together), or else >waiting for them because you can’t begin your plan together until their ready >(like wanting to go shopping together, but perhaps they’re doddling around >the >house). >And here’s where it helps to be flexible. If they say let’s go shopping at >3:30ish, and they don’t show up until 4PM, be flexible and just let it go. >If you know your spouse is habitually tardy, make allowance for that. >And you know, if you have half an hour or an hour to kill, make use of that >time. No matter how much we get done around the house, for example, there is >always a million 5 minute jobs which need to get done. So if you feel the >need >to squeeze very productive moment out of your day, then when you’re waiting >upon your spouse, the do one, or three, or half a dozen of these five minute >jobs. >That way our spouse can be themselves, and we can still feel like we’re being >most productive with every minute of our day. >But what if you’re not at home and waiting? Suppose you agreed to meet up at >some restaurant and you find yourself waiting for your spouse then? What to >do >with one’s time then? >Once again, there are numberous things we can do with our time while we’re >waiting for others — pull out the novel we’re currently reading, or make a >few >cell phone calls, or update the daytimer…. just to name the first three >things which popped into my mind. >But the essence of it all is still the same — to allow others to be who they >are, but to be flexible and work around their habitual patterns so we don’t >allow ourselves to become victimized. >Look, every spouse has their good points and their character limitations. And >if you’re with someone who seems to have significantly more good points than >bad, then for those ones which we aren’t so keen about, we’re just wise to >learn to be flexible and to constructively think of ways to work around those >limitations just to keep ourselves from being victimized. >And sometimes that requires a bit of forward thinking — like my wife >deciding >that if I don’t want to go to the in-laws by a particular time, she can just >take the train — and sometimes it’s as easy as just not being so rigid in >our >time… like doing some five minute projects while we’re waiting for our >spouse, or just coming to terms with the idea that when our spouse says >"let’s >meet at 3:30" that we know from previous experience that might mean 3:30 or >4PM >or 4:30PM. >I mean if you have a spouse and you’re telling me that the biggest problem >the >two of you have is that she says she’s going to be there at 3:30ish and she >shows up 25 minutes after that… if that’s the only problem which keeps this >relationship from being absolutely perfect, then I might suggest you stop >trying to expect perfection from another human being, work around this very >minor imperfection if you absolutely insist on squeezing every last second >out >of your day (by doing a number of 5 minute projects.. which we all have a ton >of). And beyond that, the only other two word of counsel I can suggest is >just >this: lighten up. >Anyway, I hope that perspective is of some help, >CJ

Does your wife ever wait for you to go to dinner with you while you are responding to a post?

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -dwbur…@ucdavis.edu (DWB) wrote in message <news:3e034df0.78754472@news.ucdavis.edu>… > Compared to many of the problems expressed on this newsgroup mine may > seem small, but it is about the only one that keeps my relationship > with my significant other from being perfect.  It’s all about time.  I > live by it and she could (almost) care less.  I know I am too much of > a clock watcher and like to always be on time for everything.  She is > on time for the important things, but the rest of time she is not too > concerned.  As an example… we were to go shopping yesterday and she > said she would call me at 3:30 ish to let me know she was ready.  I > assumed 3:30ish meant sometime between 3:30 and 3:45.  When she called > at 3:55 I was a bit annoyed.  Now that I look back at it I feel bad > that I made an issue of it.  Luckily, we talked about it right at the > time and I asked her (in the future) to call me if she was going to be > running more thant 15 minutes late.  She thought she could do that, > but also said it felt somewhat controlling.  I can see her point.  My > specific request here is to see what others do in relationships where > one partner is a time watcher and the other one not.  There must be > simple solutions to this challenge that I don’t see at the moment. > Thanks for any helpful/constructive advice anyone can provide. > Dave

I do not see your wife’s point in finding it controlling to call when she is running 15 minutes late. I’d call that common courtesy. Time means something different to you than it does to her. She should acknowledge and accomodate that to a certain extent, and vice versa. In practice, that means that you learn to be a little flexible and translate 3:30ish to mean 4:00, while she learns to remember to call if she is running 15 minutes late. I have been in relationships and have friends who are not clock watchers like myself, and usually find it helpful to negotiate when to meet based on something other than the precise time on the dial. For example, I’ll have them call me when they are already on the road, at which time, I’ll get myself ready. One friend of mine is notorious for not even getting in the shower yet until I arrive at her house, no matter whether I’m on time or late. Forget designating a specific time to meet someplace! I hate waiting around for her. We solved it by having her take the train out to my place. She calls when she arrives, and doesn’t mind sitting on a bench a few minutes to wait for me to pick her up. I guess I just don’t understand how hard it is for people to call when they are running late???? I suppose if not for basic consideration, then they would call if they thought it was in their own self-interest. So, another solution you might try is to simply leave without her. Give her a 30-minute grace period, but if your wife is still a no-show, just leave and go by yourself. Do that once or twice — without any anger or resentment on your part — and perhaps she’ll get the message and call next time. jen

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Thank you very much for your help.  Take care! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Doug Anderson <ethelthe…@yahoo.com> wrote: >dwbur…@ucdavis.edu (DWB) writes: >> Compared to many of the problems expressed on this newsgroup mine may >> seem small, but it is about the only one that keeps my relationship >> with my significant other from being perfect.  It’s all about time.  I >> live by it and she could (almost) care less.  I know I am too much of >> a clock watcher and like to always be on time for everything.  She is >> on time for the important things, but the rest of time she is not too >> concerned.  As an example… we were to go shopping yesterday and she >> said she would call me at 3:30 ish to let me know she was ready.  I >> assumed 3:30ish meant sometime between 3:30 and 3:45.  When she called >> at 3:55 I was a bit annoyed.  Now that I look back at it I feel bad >> that I made an issue of it.  Luckily, we talked about it right at the >> time and I asked her (in the future) to call me if she was going to be >> running more thant 15 minutes late.  She thought she could do that, >> but also said it felt somewhat controlling.  I can see her point.  My >> specific request here is to see what others do in relationships where >> one partner is a time watcher and the other one not.  There must be >> simple solutions to this challenge that I don’t see at the moment. >> Thanks for any helpful/constructive advice anyone can provide. >We have similar problems.   >When it is really important for me that my wife be on time (like I’m >waiting with the kids for her to come so that I can then get to an >appointment at work) I tell her that it’s really important.  (I also >lie slightly about when I have to leave to make up for the fact that >she’ll _still_ be 5 minutes late). >When I’m arranging an appointment with my wife where I’m going to be >altering my schedule, or waiting somewhere for her,  I ask very >explicitly for her to call me if she is going to be more than 5 >minutes late.   She understands that I value my time, and respects >that, and doesn’t consider it controlling. >Our biggest unresolved issue is when it is her turn to get the kids to >lessons, etc.  Often I’ve made the arrangements, and then we split the >transportation.  It doesn’t affect me directly, but I don’t like it >when my daughter is brought 10 minutes late to a 45 minute lesson.  I >feel like it is disrespectful to the teacher, and that even though it >isn’t my fault, it feels like it reflects on me since often I’ve made >the arrangments and so forth. >My wife says "I get her there, just in my own way."  So we haven’t got >a solution to that one. >        Doug

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