my job …

Question:

Hi Julia, Thanks for your response! I don’t have anything really to add to what you said, except that I appreciate you being so candid in what you said. This person may be a much higher than normal spike, but if there is a definite trend there, it sounds like you are in tune enough to catch onto it. The reason I said what I did is because I went through several jobs in different fields where I chose to escalate it to some sort of confrontation. Then one day the heavens spoke to me through a boss who almost fired me but we actually wound up talking for 4 hours in her office, and I realized that it was me that could recognize and handle the trend that was playing itself out in my life through all these workplace scenarios. What’s ironic is now one of my best skills is client management. And you know what they say about customers. . . Walker – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi Julia, Walker poking his nose in here for second. My feedback is, by all means follow your gut and your heart and do what’s right for you. But entertain the notion that maybe fate has put this person in front of you for some purpose? (I’m not saying this is so, just that you might want to ask yourself that.) So when you go somewhere else, you won’t be as surprised if there turns out to be a jerk there too. I’ve found that there’s always at least one jerk in every workplace that can really get under the skin if I let it. Oh well, just a thought, not trying to tell you what to do or that your feelings are wrong. (Geez, I don’t even know you!) Walker Hi Walker – I know we don’t *know* each other but I like hearing from you I remember first hearing from you on my couple day hiatus from the group while I was having my fit of righteous indignation. I wanted to write back to you then – but alas you have no e-mail address. Everyone I’ve worked has had one person or another who irritates me. They just aren’t usually my "boss". Urg. And I haven’t liked all my bosses either. My temp. job before this job I thought my boss was really flaky and pretentious – but that wasn’t too big a deal. Then before that I thought my boss was really phony and spineless – but that wasn’t too big of a deal either. Those were kind of "love ‘em despite their faults cause you’re right next to them 8 hours a day" situations. This situation feels like too much of a trigger which is causing too much pain. I mean, in reality what this woman thinks of me and "my culture" really doesn’t matter to me. And all her yelling and freaking out and acting unprofessional doesn’t either – it seems like the biggest problem is that it’s too close to home for me to deal with 8-5 everyday. But I don’t wnat to just run … I want to do something different than I’ve done in the past with people like this. I don’t know what yet … confronting her would have about as much chance of being productive as … telling Alan that he is hurting Kaitlyn with what he’s saying. But someone else has already quit because of her and she’s already made other staff members upset to the point of leaving a meeting and some of them even crying. I’m thinking of a letter to the Board of Directors telling them my experience with her so far and then leaving it in their hands. I don’t know. But yea – I’ve been thinking about – what can I learn from this? I don’t think I know yet. thanks for writing Julia J.P. Montagnet | "And he cried… http://havoc.gtf.gatech.edu/jope | And when he cried, El JoPe Magnifico! | seven thunders uttered their voices."

Response:

I want to raise the issue of sexual abuse at Private Schools, the Military and at Home! So off I go. I’d do the SOS in Binary but it would take to long.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Andy!!! I’m sooooooooooo *PROUD* of you!! I know you can do it!!!!! Remember what I told you elsewhere about the mushroom? Well, that mushroom is around you, supporting you. YOU CAN DO IT!!! LUV, Octavia

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – : So – I’m going to just have faith that things will be ok and give my : notice. Maybe I’m just not "recovered" enough to deal with personalities so : much like my mother. I just know for now I don’t want to be *this* angry : when I get off work, or this depressed when I go to work. julia, i think in stead that you are "recovered" enough to *not* deal with personalities so much like your mother. i think it is an incredible sign or how far you’ve come in recovery that you can see your boundaries are being violated, and take action to protect yourself. you don’t deserve to feel so angry and depressed. i get mad just hearing how this person has treated you. Wow! Thank you! I really do need clear validation lie that right now. I’m feeling really confused about the whole thing all over again today. I went to the staff meeting this morning and the Exec. Director was talking about how great we’re all working as a team and how great the agency is and how she really wants things run on her two main personal values "family" and "integrity". And I thought, "Wow – this *sounds* great – how come it’s not my experience???" Thankfully, my co-worker who is quitting said to me, "Wow – after that meeting I just can’t understand why I’m quitting such a wonderful place!" and I looked at him quizzically and he added, "Maybe because that meeting was *bullshit*!!!" But it sure hits all of my buttons that say, "There’s something wrong with *me*!" "Look what a good woman my boss is – she’s just got it all together and cares about everyone!" But then when we get back to work it’s back to all about the money – not the homeless we’re supposed to cater to. And it’s back to being unable to communicate … sigh. thanks for listening! Julia silverleaf — — Do not run. We are your friends. *bzort* J.P. Montagnet | "And he cried… http://havoc.gtf.gatech.edu/jope | And when he cried, El JoPe Magnifico! | seven thunders uttered their voices."

alt. what does it mean? karla H. — I want to raise the issue of sexual abuse at Private Schools, the Military and at Home! So off I go. I’d do the SOS in Binary but it would take to long.

Response:

Hi Julia, Walker poking his nose in here for second. My feedback is, by all means follow your gut and your heart and do what’s right for you. But entertain the notion that maybe fate has put this person in front of you for some purpose? (I’m not saying this is so, just that you might want to ask yourself that.) So when you go somewhere else, you won’t be as surprised if there turns out to be a jerk there too. I’ve found that there’s always at least one jerk in every workplace that can really get under the skin if I let it. Oh well, just a thought, not trying to tell you what to do or that your feelings are wrong. (Geez, I don’t even know you!) Walker – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – <snip Julia, My boss was terrific when it came to what I called "rah-rah" meetings. For a long time, until we began figuring it out, she’d have everyone super-pumped. And when I had the opportunity to stand beside her while she was meeting someone else (especially another Manager or Diretor), I’d watch how elated they’d get listening to her eloquent pile of poop-dribble. Then, I kept watching and observed the back stabbing and ladder climbing. Not to mention what she was doing to all the underlings! Listen to your heart, Julia. You’ll know if she’s being real in those meetings or not. Thanks for your input on this post and the other one! I decided last night that I will quit again today – only this time I will not back down. A friend came over last night who is very good at standing up to people and we ran through what I could say. My boss is going to try and convince me not to quit again – because it’s going to look really bad to the Board of Directors if I do. But Keri and I ran over the probable arguments and she came up with, "Tell the truth in a professional way – say, "I feel there is an irreparable personality conflict which I’m not comfortable speaking of in a professional setting." and then if she argues more just keep saying, "It’s not something I feel is appropraite to talk about." and "I have made my decision and that is final." eeek! I told Keri some of the incidents that had happened and she just shook her head and said, "That’s not something you do at work," and it was nice to get some feedback (again!) that my gut is right and her actions aren’t appropriate. And my gut says, "Stand up to this woman and say you’re leaving and don’t back down." Otherwise it just seems like it will turn into a big power struggle. She’s not going to learn how to acknowledge boundaries or have respect. Oh – in answer to your question on prioritizing when I have too much to do … a good example was: one morning at 8:30 Doreen (my boss) and Debra (the grantwriter) both asked me to do a project. Debra needed hers at 9:00am and Doreen needed hers at 11:00am. So, I told Doreen I would do Debra’s project first. I finished Debra’s project at 8:55am. I was collecting the materials to do Doreen’s (Xerox six copies of a large packet of Budget papers, then put them together into a Budget packet for the Board) and at 9:00am she ran into my office and demanded, "Where are the Boards’ Budget packets?!" and I said, "I was just going to start them." and she yelled, "I have to leave now! I’m late for an appointment I forgot! I need those packets now!" and I calmly said, "I’m doing them right now." and she yelled some more, "I don’t think you understand! I need them *now*! I have to leave *now*! You just don’t seem to understand how important this is!" and I repeated I was doing them as she spoke. And she continued to yell, "I need them now! You just don’t understand? But then why would you? This is horrible! I need those Budget packets now!" So, I ignored her and continued to do them and she yelled some more, ran to her office and called someone and yelled at them over the phone and when I was done (about ten minutes later) she just grabbed them and ran out the door. It’s like talking to a brick wall. My friend who volunteers there said in all seriousness, that Doreen has the communication skills of the autistic children that my friend used to teach. Thanks for letting me spew. I feel brave enough to do this, I think. Julia Octavia J.P. Montagnet | "And he cried… http://havoc.gtf.gatech.edu/jope | And when he cried, El JoPe Magnifico! | seven thunders uttered their voices."

Response:

I’ve been in those situations before (usually in the law offices I’ve worked at, but pretty much the same). It’s a pep talk, with no more substance that the kinds of pep rallies we all probably used to attend in school. What matters here is your experience in this job, not what some jerk says your experience "ought" to be. Blow it off. Laurie Goff – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – – Do not run. We are your friends. *bzort* J.P. Montagnet | "And he cried… http://havoc.gtf.gatech.edu/jope | And when he cried, El JoPe Magnifico! | seven thunders uttered their voices."

Response:

Julia… Don’t ever hesitate to do what you have to do for YOU. If this job is wrong for you, and judging by your comments its causing you real problems, then by all means get out. I know how scary that is; I also know that with your intelligence and, yes, work ethic, you will sooner or later land on your feet. In the meantime, keep in touch, and if I can help in any way let me know. Good luck, and don’t let that martinet of a boss push you around. Hugs, Laurie Goff – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Well – I’m almost totally decided that I’m going to quit my job. I posted here about it before – my unreasonable boss who made the nasty comment that I wanted feedback on. Well, after many more nasty comments and feeling too depressed to get out of bed in the morning, I believe that I am just a hair’s-breath (whatever that is) away from putting in my resignation. I’m been struggling with this decision for two weeks now. Ever since one Sunday morning I realized I was thinking, "What’s the point … I hate my life … why am I even alive?" Immediately (it was nice to realize) I realized that’s not a normal thought for me – that it’s a *big* indicator that something is wrong. Since then I’m seeing all sorts of things at work that really send me over the edge. This woman relates to me just like my mother did. She expects me to work more than eight hours a day if it suits her (with no pay mind you) and if I set a boundary she’s shaming about it. She approaches me with new projects by saying, "I know you don’t know how to do this because why would you? (heavy martyred sigh) so I’ll just have to teach you and hope you get it!" (and it turns out to be something I know how to do but when I tell her that she says I don’t know what I’m talking about.) When I’ve gone to her and tried to set a boundary (ie: "I have too much work to do and not enough time today – could you hold off giving me more projects for now?") she says I either "don’t know what I’m talking about" or I’m "not really seeing reality" or just "no – you’re wrong (ie: you *don’t* have too much work to do – you just think you do and I can give you more projects if I want!") Yesterday my co-worker said to her, "In order to get you the full Budget report in a couple days I really need my space." and she kept arguing about how she was *trying* to tell people to give him space and didn’t he appreciate all she’d done for him. Finally when she left our office he blurted out, "Jesus! From you! I *need space* from you! Where’s your goddamn respect!" – and it was much easier to see that from *his* experience than by being able to validate my own. So – I’m going to just have faith that things will be ok and give my notice. Maybe I’m just not "recovered" enough to deal with personalities so much like my mother. I just know for now I don’t want to be *this* angry when I get off work, or this depressed when I go to work. thanks for listening – Julia J.P. Montagnet | "And he cried… http://havoc.gtf.gatech.edu/jope | And when he cried, El JoPe Magnifico! | seven thunders uttered their voices."

Response:

Very, very good point, silverleaf. Well done. Laurie Goff

Response:

Hi Walker – I know we don’t *know* each other but I like hearing from you I remember first hearing from you on my couple day hiatus from the group while I was having my fit of righteous indignation. I wanted to write back to you then – but alas you have no e-mail address. Everyone I’ve worked has had one person or another who irritates me. They just aren’t usually my "boss". Urg. And I haven’t liked all my bosses either. My temp. job before this job I thought my boss was really flaky and pretentious – but that wasn’t too big a deal. Then before that I thought my boss was really phony and spineless – but that wasn’t too big of a deal either. Those were kind of "love ‘em despite their faults cause you’re right next to them 8 hours a day" situations. This situation feels like too much of a trigger which is causing too much pain. I mean, in reality what this woman thinks of me and "my culture" really doesn’t matter to me. And all her yelling and freaking out and acting unprofessional doesn’t either – it seems like the biggest problem is that it’s too close to home for me to deal with 8-5 everyday. But I don’t wnat to just run … I want to do something different than I’ve done in the past with people like this. I don’t know what yet … confronting her would have about as much chance of being productive as … telling Alan that he is hurting Kaitlyn with what he’s saying. But someone else has already quit because of her and she’s already made other staff members upset to the point of leaving a meeting and some of them even crying. I’m thinking of a letter to the Board of Directors telling them my experience with her so far and then leaving it in their hands. I don’t know. But yea – I’ve been thinking about – what can I learn from this? I don’t think I know yet. thanks for writing Julia J.P. Montagnet | "And he cried… http://havoc.gtf.gatech.edu/jope | And when he cried, El JoPe Magnifico! | seven thunders uttered their voices."

Response:

Thanks for your input on this post and the other one!

No prob. I just remember so well because my similar situation was such a nightmare. I decided last night that I will quit again today – only this time I will not back down.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you, Julia! A friend came over last night who is very good at standing up to people and we ran through what I could say.

(snipped)GREAT!!! Concrete advice helps tremendously. You won’t feel as much like you are floundering around, and you’ll know in advance what to expect. (snipped) into my office and demanded, "Where are the Boards’ Budget packets?!" and I said, "I was just going to start them." and she yelled, "I have to leave now! I’m late for an appointment I forgot! I need those packets now!" and I calmly said, "I’m doing them right now." and she yelled some more, "I don’t

(snipped)I applaud your calmness in that situation. See, you have strength you didn’t know you had! If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, you might think about this: Feeling, but not voicing, "And emergency on your part doesn’t necessarily constitute an emergency on my part." In the situation you described, your Director was off the deep end just because she didn’t want to lose face with her superiors. It’s like talking to a brick wall. My friend who volunteers there said in all seriousness, that Doreen has the communication skills of the autistic children that my friend used to teach.

Makes for a difficult environment for *everyone,* not just because you are in recovery. Wishing you tons of luck, which you are going to need whether you quit or not!!!!! Octavia

Response:

(snipped) to the staff meeting this morning and the Exec. Director was talking about how great we’re all working as a team and how great the agency is and how she really wants things run on her two main personal values "family" and "integrity". And I thought, "Wow – this *sounds* great

Julia, My boss was terrific when it came to what I called "rah-rah" meetings. For a long time, until we began figuring it out, she’d have everyone super-pumped. And when I had the opportunity to stand beside her while she was meeting someone else (especially another Manager or Diretor), I’d watch how elated they’d get listening to her eloquent pile of poop-dribble. Then, I kept watching and observed the back stabbing and ladder climbing. Not to mention what she was doing to all the underlings! Listen to your heart, Julia. You’ll know if she’s being real in those meetings or not. Octavia

Response:

: But it sure hits all of my buttons that say, : "There’s something wrong with *me*!" "Look what a good woman my boss : is – she’s just got it all together and cares about everyone!" But : then when we get back to work it’s back to all about the money – not : the homeless we’re supposed to cater to. And it’s back to being unable : to communicate … sigh. nods. it’s really deeply ingrained for me to look at myself as the crazy/bad/wrong person in any situation. it is *really* hard to break away from that pattern, which is why i think it’s so great you’re doing it. i wish your boss could actually be the person she seems to think she is. but clearly, she’s just not. : thanks for listening! my pleasure. silverleaf — — Do not run. We are your friends. *bzort*

Response:

: So – I’m going to just have faith that things will be ok and give my : notice. Maybe I’m just not "recovered" enough to deal with personalities so : much like my mother. I just know for now I don’t want to be *this* angry : when I get off work, or this depressed when I go to work. julia, i think in stead that you are "recovered" enough to *not* deal with personalities so much like your mother. i think it is an incredible sign or how far you’ve come in recovery that you can see your boundaries are being violated, and take action to protect yourself. you don’t deserve to feel so angry and depressed. i get mad just hearing how this person has treated you.

Wow! Thank you! I really do need clear validation lie that right now. I’m feeling really confused about the whole thing all over again today. I went to the staff meeting this morning and the Exec. Director was talking about how great we’re all working as a team and how great the agency is and how she really wants things run on her two main personal values "family" and "integrity". And I thought, "Wow – this *sounds* great – how come it’s not my experience???" Thankfully, my co-worker who is quitting said to me, "Wow – after that meeting I just can’t understand why I’m quitting such a wonderful place!" and I looked at him quizzically and he added, "Maybe because that meeting was *bullshit*!!!" But it sure hits all of my buttons that say, "There’s something wrong with *me*!" "Look what a good woman my boss is – she’s just got it all together and cares about everyone!" But then when we get back to work it’s back to all about the money – not the homeless we’re supposed to cater to. And it’s back to being unable to communicate … sigh. thanks for listening! Julia silverleaf — — Do not run. We are your friends. *bzort*

J.P. Montagnet | "And he cried… http://havoc.gtf.gatech.edu/jope | And when he cried, El JoPe Magnifico! | seven thunders uttered their voices."

Response:

Well – I’m almost totally decided that I’m going to quit my job. I posted here about it before – my unreasonable boss who made the nasty comment that I wanted feedback on. Well, after many more nasty comments and feeling too depressed to get out of bed in the morning, I believe that I am just a hair’s-breath (whatever that is) away from putting in my resignation. I’m been struggling with this decision for two weeks now. Ever since one Sunday morning I realized I was thinking, "What’s the point … I hate my life … why am I even alive?" Immediately (it was nice to realize) I realized that’s not a normal thought for me – that it’s a *big* indicator that something is wrong. Since then I’m seeing all sorts of things at work that really send me over the edge. This woman relates to me just like my mother did. She expects me to work more than eight hours a day if it suits her (with no pay mind you) and if I set a boundary she’s shaming about it. She approaches me with new projects by saying, "I know you don’t know how to do this because why would you? (heavy martyred sigh) so I’ll just have to teach you and hope you get it!" (and it turns out to be something I know how to do but when I tell her that she says I don’t know what I’m talking about.) When I’ve gone to her and tried to set a boundary (ie: "I have too much work to do and not enough time today – could you hold off giving me more projects for now?") she says I either "don’t know what I’m talking about" or I’m "not really seeing reality" or just "no – you’re wrong (ie: you *don’t* have too much work to do – you just think you do and I can give you more projects if I want!") Yesterday my co-worker said to her, "In order to get you the full Budget report in a couple days I really need my space." and she kept arguing about how she was *trying* to tell people to give him space and didn’t he appreciate all she’d done for him. Finally when she left our office he blurted out, "Jesus! From you! I *need space* from you! Where’s your goddamn respect!" – and it was much easier to see that from *his* experience than by being able to validate my own. So – I’m going to just have faith that things will be ok and give my notice. Maybe I’m just not "recovered" enough to deal with personalities so much like my mother. I just know for now I don’t want to be *this* angry when I get off work, or this depressed when I go to work. thanks for listening – Julia J.P. Montagnet | "And he cried… http://havoc.gtf.gatech.edu/jope | And when he cried, El JoPe Magnifico! | seven thunders uttered their voices."

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