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New here and would like to share my story

Question:

I am going to be going out of the country for several weeks this summer and I am wondering if there is any risk (with a dissolution in progress) in being absent. My stbx and I have agreed to pursue the dissolution but progress towards that end with the lawyer doing the paperwork is slow, very slow. It’s also possible that my stbx is slowing the process too, unbeknownst to me because I have not spoken yet to the lawyer who ‘works for both of us’. I’m waiting (maybe mistakenly) while preliminary paperwork is being prepared.

If you have property and children, get your own attorney who will look out for YOUR interests.  Don’t leave her and the attorney in charge of your interests – your children, your home, your assets, and your future. Victoria Lee

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I am going to be going out of the country for several weeks this summer and I am wondering if there is any risk (with a dissolution in progress) in being absent. My stbx and I have agreed to pursue the dissolution but progress towards that end with the lawyer doing the paperwork is slow, very slow. It’s also possible that my stbx is slowing the process too, unbeknownst to me because I have not spoken yet to the lawyer who ‘works for both of us’. I’m waiting (maybe mistakenly) while preliminary paperwork is being prepared. If you have property and children, get your own attorney who will look out for YOUR interests.  Don’t leave her and the attorney in charge of your interests – your children, your home, your assets, and your future. Victoria Lee

I agree with Victoria Lee on this one. Get your own lawyer. In Ohio, at least, lawyers can’t work for both parties in a divorce/dissolution case. –Martha

Response:

two people I love most in this world are not here to share them. Equally cruel, is that the

an interim solution and an idea. get in the truck and go.  keep going. stay gone until you fell like coming back. a  month, a year. as long as you like. spend $50,000 if you want to. fish, camp out, go to titty bars.   ifshe wants you she’ll find you. in the mean time the simple movement will calm you nerves. you have defiantely lost you sense of purpose in life. what are you supposed to do, derive meaning form cutting the lawn after you fought to save your son’s life.  float, drift. you are under no obligation to anyone other than yourself. your are the easiest target for her to blame and hate. eventually she’ll wear herself out hating you and probably start loving your again. but why hang around day in and day out waiting for the change. i went to florida, arkansas, nicaragua trying to figure out if i was the shithead i was made out to be by the ex.  i wasn’t. in fact i got to form a reasonably accurate picture in my mind of what kind of person she really was. not a pretty realization. she was weak and self indulgent but not a bad person. she didin’t sovle any of her problems by leaving. she just shited them somewhere else. i am not trying to run her down but she should be there to work things out, even if the work out poorly.  she just decided she couldn’t handle it. well she can. greif ain’t terminal its just uncomfortable. i don’t see anyone abonadoning their families in kosovo and thats a matter of life and death. good luck

Response:

Thanks Robert, Months before she moved out, she was paving the way to move to a place where we, as a couple, or we as a family, had never been. A place free from any connection with the pain and grief from our life. And I found out later, the people she moved in with, thought we had been estranged for years and were just good friends. I know that part of the reason she left was my reminding her on a daily basis, of all the bad things in her life. I am running a little low on inner strength, I guess that’s why I am posting my misery here in a public newsgroup. Searching for something to hold onto. David

Response:

 As for me, I think probably some kind of counseling might help, but I feel like there is no point to it, now that my wife is gone. She has decided I can’t be even a small part of her life, she has asked me not to call her, not to try and see her, basically just to leave her alone, which I have done. It makes me feel like our 20 years together was for nothing, like I am not even worth talking to. David

David, Somehow, you have to get past the idea that counseling would only be worthwhile if your wife were still in your life. You deserve to be happy — everyone does. Counseling might help you find a route to happiness with or without your wife in your life. Do it for yourself. I know you’re in deep pain right now, but if you don’t care that much about yourself, why should anybody else? I also offer this one insight — maybe your wife has distanced herself so much from you because she knows she needs all her strength for herself right now — maybe she simply doesn’t have the strength to help you through this, too. If I’m right (and who knows? I may be well off the mark), you have more of a chance for at least some kind of relationship with her if you are able to pick yourself up, become strong and focused, and start living life again on your own. Good luck to you, Martha

Response:

David, I am coming off of a 15 yr marriage so I can understand where you are coming from. And it hurts big time when our partners tell us that we mean nothing to them. But I can’t believe that. Because we have been important people to family and friends too. We do not need our mates to validate who we are. I am just realizing that one myself. There is a point to trying to go on, David. You have so much to give yet, so many people that could benefit from your story. I watched my brother-in-law and his wife falter under the stress of two sick boys (4yrs and 1yr). But somebody told them that they needed help and guidance through this and they did get help. They are doing much better now and I know that they will be fine (and the boys are thriving!). Maybe you are that person to someone else. Give your wife the space she needs for now and work on your own healing. Try *one* session of counseling, just one hour. Keep emailing, too, ok? This group of people will be here for you, believe me! Lori – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Lori, You’re right of course. We always thought of ourselves as standing on a mountain peak, clinging to each other, with no one to catch us if we fall. After David died, we both sort of fell into our own little worlds, occasionally surfacing to try and help each other, but never being able to get past our own individual pain. As for me, I think probably some kind of counseling might help, but I feel like there is no point to it, now that my wife is gone. She has decided I can’t be even a small part of her life, she has asked me not to call her, not to try and see her, basically just to leave her alone, which I have done. It makes me feel like our 20 years together was for nothing, like I am not even worth talking to. David

Response:

has asked me not to call her, not to try and see her, basically just to leave her alone, which I have done. It makes me feel like our 20 years together was for nothing, like I am not even worth talking to. David David, this is such a wrenching time for you. I doubt your wife hates

you, I’d say that it is the overall pain that she wants to avoid and unfortunatly it is inextricably connected to you. This will be hard to unpattern without a great deal of help. Counciling for yourself is probably a good first step. This sort of marital demise is such a tradgedy.I wish you to find peace and the inner strength to see this through. Robert M.

Response:

David….  I have not experienced some of your pain as I have not lost a child… you shared love with him and he will always be with you…. (this is a long message from me to you, by the way). My background before I expound on anything:  25 yrs together; he filed 10/30/98 and the divorce was final 02/03/99…. and I am still devastated though I have finally had a few "good days" lately…. First off…. you have a right to all those feelings you are experiencing… and YES… tears are healing (I’ve cryed buckets full and don’t know why I’m not dehydrated except I do drink a lot of water now)…  I too was suicidal — he told everyone but me… I found out when I was served the papers with him waiting at the house to help ??? )… Please, please, please… go to a counselor/therapist/whatever & let them know of your suicidal thoughts…  my hubby (ex) took me to one the very next day… I was put on anti-depressants (they take about 4-6 weeks to begin to work) & the dosage has been increased three times (I was crying nonstop… no sobbing, just crying)… I now have a "library" at home too — and I still am buying… Secondly…. and importantly… this is not "God’s" joke…. I have to believe that this is Satan acting in a way to destroy what God has watched over… I believe that when a marriage is strong and has/is survived/surviving difficult circumstances (your son & the tragedy you are now going through) that Satan tries (and is too often successful) in destroying that marriage in any way possible. Please do not turn away from God/Higher Power. Every morning & night (and often in between) I ask in my prayers for our Father to love me, and give me comfort and strength, to give me guidance and direction… I pray that He will take control of my life and that I be willing to do as He would have me to do… I pray that if it is His will, that He continue to reach out to my former hubby & have him willing to reconcile and that He will work in each of us (if it is His will) to restore our marriage & for each of us to love and trust the other.  I ask our Father for His forgiveness for my sins and failings and that I will be able to forgive both my former hubby and myself for this tragedy… and I thank Him for me not becoming angry…. And I thank Him for His many blessings — the time we had together as husband and wife,  our children, our health, the members of our church who are so loving, our pets, our health, the wonderful things in nature, His love, and that our Father has accepted me as his child.  I also ask Him that He will be with my former hubby and to forgive me if I have loved my former hubby more than Him, but that is the human side of me…. I ask our Father to ease my pain, to hold me in His arms, that I would feel His love… and at night, I ask that He would give me a peaceful nights rest… I know that He did not promise that I would not have a rough road ahead, but He did promise to always be with me. David… you are NOT a monster… please know that you are a man in grief… in this case (divorce) the grief has been compounded by rejection… I understand what you are currently going through… I care…. and truly wish no one ever experienced this pain and anguish… Sandy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Thanks, it’s awfully hard to separate the feelings and deal with them one at a time, I’m trying. About a month after my wife left me, i went into books-a-million and bought about a dozen self-help titles like: How To Be Your Own Best Friend and Change Your Life and Everyone In It. I also picked out two titles by Leo Buscaglia: Living, Loving, Learning and hm, I forget the other title. Every word he wrote about love and relationships seemed to be a page from my own life. As I look back, everything seems so simple, as to how to show the people you love how you feel. If there is a God, he has played a very cruel joke, by allowing me to feel these emotions, in particular LOVE, and at the same time allowing my son to die, and letting my wife turn her back on me. If there is a God, then that would mean there is a heaven. I know my son David is there. I know my wife will be there too, one day. If he has any compassion, he will let me again be with the two people I love the most. David

Response:

Lori, You’re right of course. We always thought of ourselves as standing on a mountain peak, clinging to each other, with no one to catch us if we fall. After David died, we both sort of fell into our own little worlds, occasionally surfacing to try and help each other, but never being able to get past our own individual pain. As for me, I think probably some kind of counseling might help, but I feel like there is no point to it, now that my wife is gone. She has decided I can’t be even a small part of her life, she has asked me not to call her, not to try and see her, basically just to leave her alone, which I have done. It makes me feel like our 20 years together was for nothing, like I am not even worth talking to. David

Response:

I am going to be going out of the country for several weeks this summer and I am wondering if there is any risk (with a dissolution in progress) in being absent. My stbx and I have agreed to pursue the dissolution but progress towards that end with the lawyer doing the paperwork is slow, very slow. It’s also possible that my stbx is slowing the process too, unbeknownst to me because I have not spoken yet to the lawyer who ‘works for both of us’. I’m waiting (maybe mistakenly) while preliminary paperwork is being prepared. I am still in the house w/my stbx and kids for many reasons but mostly on the friendly advice not to clear out until the dissolution agreement is final. My stbx has pulled some minor but aggravating stunts clearly with revenge in mind, but it’s been petty stuff. So with a certain amount of antagonism coming from my stbx in what is supposed to be an amicable dissolution, I get anxious about leaving the country and having doors slammed behind me if she gets serious about revenge. Is that a possibility? Will the situation remain fixed while I am gone and unable to participate? Are there actions I should be taking to preserve my position and avoid any surprises on my return? I’m sure that noone here is going to dispense legal advice here that they want to take responsibility for but if anyone can speak from experiance or direct me to a better forum for answers or information … i’d appreciate it. Thanks Mike

Response:

I moved out of the house 2 months after she left, because I couldn’t take it there by myself. That was in December. I have defaulted on the two mortgages and it goes into foreclosure June 8. I allowed my wife (and even helped her) to pack up most of the stuff in the house and take it with her to her new home/new life, so I don’t have too much baggage here in this little apartment I live in. I have been working for the phone company for 21 years and am on the verge of quitting, so I can leave this town/state. I have taken my 3 weeks of vacation time and have been trying to figure out where to go and what else I can do. I never, in a million years, would have thought, I would ever be traveling a path like the one I am on now. David

Response:

David, I’m not sure what to say except that terminal illness in a family either makes you closer or drives you apart. One thing that you both should have done is go to grief counseling or find a grief support group. There are lots of support groups for CF ( I know, I am an aunt to two sweet nephews with CF) and it sounds like you didn’t have the support during the illness and your son’s short life. I seriously suggest you get some counseling, grief, divorce. Even if it is after the fact, would your ex wife go with you? I’ll bet she hasn’t fully released herself from this either. My thoughts are with you, be strong. Get help. Lori Redman – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I don’t know where to start, so here goes: My wife and I married in love with each other. About a year later, we were blessed with a beautiful son, David, who had medical problems from day one. Two months later he was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, a chronic, genetic, disease of the endocrine glands. He died in December, 1995, of a viral infection, he was almost 16 years old. He was a fighter and a trooper, who put up with IV’s, repeated hospitalizations, doctors poking and nurses prodding, x-rays, specimen gathering, etc., his entire life. Through all this, he managed to almost always have a smile on his face, knew how to have fun, and never went anywhere where he didn’t make a friend. He was a great kid, my David. I love him very much, and miss him terribly. Somewhere, in the early years of our marriage, my wife and I began losing ourselves in the daily struggles of making ends meet, taking care of David’s medical needs (a cystic requires alot of medical care on a daily basis), and trying to provide a good life for our son. My wife was the primary caregiver (full-time mom, nurse, teacher, friend, and occasional part-time jobs, as David’s health permitted). I was the provider. I worked many long days/hours in order to provide much needed money for my family. I missed a lot of special times with my wife and David because I was busy trying to keep us afloat financially. My wife and I allowed the stress of this kind of life to drive a wedge between us, and we lost sight of who we were as a couple. We hardly ever made time for ourselves, both of us frequently too tired to invest any more energy into our relationship. It seemed that when one of us was ready for time alone together, the other wasn’t. And so this went on, for 16 years, till David died. I have to also add, we never received much support, either financially or emotionaly from our families, why I don’t know. When David died, we were devastated. Everything we had built our life around had come to an end. I wanted to sell the house, quit my job, and move to someplace free the bittersweet memories of where we lived. My wife wouldn’t think of such a thing. To even think of leaving, of altering David’s bedroom, sent her into hysterics. So I, not understanding what I was doing, put my grief on a shelf, and went back to work, and sort of became a zombie. My wife spent the next year lying on the couch, crying, griefing, not wanting to go anywhere, because her entire reason for existence had died. After that first year, I managed to encourage her to begin making small steps to go out with her friends, and got her online with AOL, thinking that maybe online chat/discussion groups would help her get through her grief/mourning. It did. She began seeing that there was life, after David’s death. She began making new friends, going to Get-Togethers, trying new things. What about me? I continued to work, to pay the bills, acting like a zombie, never seeming to find the time or energy to join her in these pursuits. At the time, I never realized what I was doing, I had put my grief on hold, stopped growing, had no hobbies, and had basically just bowed out of life. In September, 1998, she announced that she "wanted out". She no longer had the same feelings for me that I had for her. The only reason that we stayed married for as long as we did (20 years) was because of David. He was our only bond. Something happened. It was as if someone had held a mirror up to my life and was showing everything I had missed with my son, and everything I had missed in my relationship with my wife. The flood gates opened, or probably, the dam broke. All of the grief, anger, loss, desparation, bitterness, that I had put on the shelf 3 years ago, came flowing out. I was finally allowing the grief/ mourning of the loss of my son, to come out. Something else happened, I saw my wife for the first time, in many years as the beautiful, sweet, intelligent, woman that I fell in love with and married. I fell in love with her again. It took her telling me that she was leaving, to bring back to me all the emotions and feelings that I needed to start the healing process, and to begin to grow again. At the time when I needed her the most, she couldn’t stand to be around me. She loathed my touch, and would hardly even let me hug her. In her words I "creeped her out". I can’t begin to describe the agony I felt when she packed up and left. I felt so alone, so old, bitter, and the grief for my son intensified all this to the point where I thought my head would explode. It didn’t. I tried (on the telephone, letters, and email) to explain all this to my wife, to give me the opportunity to show her how I could love her, how we could build on our past, and find a life together we both could enjoy. I tried for months to do this, but she shunned all my attempts, finally telling me not to try and call her or see her, and she was divorcing me, as soon as she had the money. I have given her what she has asked me for, I have left her alone, and the divorce was final April 16, 1999 at 9:55 am. So here I am, alone, bitter, having alienated any friends or relatives who might have been able to give me some support. I feel sorry for myself, sorry for my son, sorry for my wife and my marriage. I feel like a monster. Every day the thought of suicide crosses my mind more than once. I was a husband, a father, I had a family, a life, a purpose, a reason for existence. Now I have nothing but memories and dreams of what could have been. I love my wife(ex) with a passion that I never knew I had in me. What a cruel joke to have emotions like this, and the two people I love most in this world are not here to share them. Equally cruel, is that the one person in this world that I want to be with, is the the one person in this world who can’t stand the sight of me. David

Response:

Thanks Daisy, I am sorry about the loss of your son, Christopher David, also. This divorce has felt like my son dying all over again. I frequently think that I am not going to make it one day. I am not a religious man I never developed the friendships I need now, because I was always too busy working. That’s why I find myself alone, staring at pictures of my son and my wife, trying to justify my existence. I don’t know if this is normal, but all I do now (when I am not working) is jump in my truck, turn up the music as loud as I can, and just drive and cry. This weekend I ended up in galveston,tx (i live in raleigh,nc) and don’t remember too much of how I got there. I don’t know if I am crying for myself, my son, my wife, or what. David

Response:

I wanted to sell the house, quit my job, and move to someplace free the bittersweet memories of where we lived.

Maybe now is the time to consider doing this?

Response:

Thanks, it’s awfully hard to separate the feelings and deal with them one at a time, I’m trying. About a month after my wife left me, i went into books-a-million and bought about a dozen self-help titles like: How To Be Your Own Best Friend and Change Your Life and Everyone In It. I also picked out two titles by Leo Buscaglia: Living, Loving, Learning and hm, I forget the other title. Every word he wrote about love and relationships seemed to be a page from my own life. As I look back, everything seems so simple, as to how to show the people you love how you feel. If there is a God, he has played a very cruel joke, by allowing me to feel these emotions, in particular LOVE, and at the same time allowing my son to die, and letting my wife turn her back on me. If there is a God, then that would mean there is a heaven. I know my son David is there. I know my wife will be there too, one day. If he has any compassion, he will let me again be with the two people I love the most. David

Response:

I wish I knew of something to say to help you in any way. I hope you find a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel for your loss. Please remember that you must go on and try to find happiness, either in the memory of your son or elsewhere. It will get better. I know how it feels to hold all of your feelings inside and ignore them, when they come out it is almost breathtaking to feel them it almost knocks the wind out of me somtimes. Try to deal with one thing at a time. Focus on getting through that one thing before moving on to the next. Good Luck — Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I don’t know where to start, so here goes: My wife and I married in love with each other. About a year later, we were blessed with a beautiful son, David, who had medical problems from day one. Two months later he was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, a chronic, genetic, disease of the endocrine glands. He died in December, 1995, of a viral infection, he was almost 16 years old. He was a fighter and a trooper, who put up with IV’s, repeated hospitalizations, doctors poking and nurses prodding, x-rays, specimen gathering, etc., his entire life. Through all this, he managed to almost always have a smile on his face, knew how to have fun, and never went anywhere where he didn’t make a friend. He was a great kid, my David. I love him very much, and miss him terribly. Somewhere, in the early years of our marriage, my wife and I began losing ourselves in the daily struggles of making ends meet, taking care of David’s medical needs (a cystic requires alot of medical care on a daily basis), and trying to provide a good life for our son. My wife was the primary caregiver (full-time mom, nurse, teacher, friend, and occasional part-time jobs, as David’s health permitted). I was the provider. I worked many long days/hours in order to provide much needed money for my family. I missed a lot of special times with my wife and David because I was busy trying to keep us afloat financially. My wife and I allowed the stress of this kind of life to drive a wedge between us, and we lost sight of who we were as a couple. We hardly ever made time for ourselves, both of us frequently too tired to invest any more energy into our relationship. It seemed that when one of us was ready for time alone together, the other wasn’t. And so this went on, for 16 years, till David died. I have to also add, we never received much support, either financially or emotionaly from our families, why I don’t know. When David died, we were devastated. Everything we had built our life around had come to an end. I wanted to sell the house, quit my job, and move to someplace free the bittersweet memories of where we lived. My wife wouldn’t think of such a thing. To even think of leaving, of altering David’s bedroom, sent her into hysterics. So I, not understanding what I was doing, put my grief on a shelf, and went back to work, and sort of became a zombie. My wife spent the next year lying on the couch, crying, griefing, not wanting to go anywhere, because her entire reason for existence had died. After that first year, I managed to encourage her to begin making small steps to go out with her friends, and got her online with AOL, thinking that maybe online chat/discussion groups would help her get through her grief/mourning. It did. She began seeing that there was life, after David’s death. She began making new friends, going to Get-Togethers, trying new things. What about me? I continued to work, to pay the bills, acting like a zombie, never seeming to find the time or energy to join her in these pursuits. At the time, I never realized what I was doing, I had put my grief on hold, stopped growing, had no hobbies, and had basically just bowed out of life. In September, 1998, she announced that she "wanted out". She no longer had the same feelings for me that I had for her. The only reason that we stayed married for as long as we did (20 years) was because of David. He was our only bond. Something happened. It was as if someone had held a mirror up to my life and was showing everything I had missed with my son, and everything I had missed in my relationship with my wife. The flood gates opened, or probably, the dam broke. All of the grief, anger, loss, desparation, bitterness, that I had put on the shelf 3 years ago, came flowing out. I was finally allowing the grief/ mourning of the loss of my son, to come out. Something else happened, I saw my wife for the first time, in many years as the beautiful, sweet, intelligent, woman that I fell in love with and married. I fell in love with her again. It took her telling me that she was leaving, to bring back to me all the emotions and feelings that I needed to start the healing process, and to begin to grow again. At the time when I needed her the most, she couldn’t stand to be around me. She loathed my touch, and would hardly even let me hug her. In her words I "creeped her out". I can’t begin to describe the agony I felt when she packed up and left. I felt so alone, so old, bitter, and the grief for my son intensified all this to the point where I thought my head would explode. It didn’t. I tried (on the telephone, letters, and email) to explain all this to my wife, to give me the opportunity to show her how I could love her, how we could build on our past, and find a life together we both could enjoy. I tried for months to do this, but she shunned all my attempts, finally telling me not to try and call her or see her, and she was divorcing me, as soon as she had the money. I have given her what she has asked me for, I have left her alone, and the divorce was final April 16, 1999 at 9:55 am. So here I am, alone, bitter, having alienated any friends or relatives who might have been able to give me some support. I feel sorry for myself, sorry for my son, sorry for my wife and my marriage. I feel like a monster. Every day the thought of suicide crosses my mind more than once. I was a husband, a father, I had a family, a life, a purpose, a reason for existence. Now I have nothing but memories and dreams of what could have been. I love my wife(ex) with a passion that I never knew I had in me. What a cruel joke to have emotions like this, and the two people I love most in this world are not here to share them. Equally cruel, is that the one person in this world that I want to be with, is the the one person in this world who can’t stand the sight of me. David

Response:

David, Dear, dear David.  That letter could of been written by myself.  I am so sorry for the loss of your son David.  I too lost a son, Christopher David, in June of 97, he was only 21.  My marriage too broke up over the grieving that just could not be dealt with.  We were married for 25 years.  My divorce too was final in April.  I would advise you to also post to alt.support.grief, they are wonderful people over there just as they are here.  I also keep the grief webpage for them and it’s located at: http://www.geocities.com:80/Heartland/Shores/8195/index.html Please if you need to talk you can email me anytime.  I feel for you, you have a very long road ahead of you.  Take care. Daisy

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I don’t know where to start, so here goes: My wife and I married in love with each other. About a year later, we were blessed with a beautiful son, David, who had medical problems from day one. Two months later he was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, a chronic, genetic, disease of the endocrine glands. He died in December, 1995, of a viral infection, he was almost 16 years old. He was a fighter and a trooper, who put up with IV’s, repeated hospitalizations, doctors poking and nurses prodding, x-rays, specimen gathering, etc., his entire life. Through all this, he managed to almost always have a smile on his face, knew how to have fun, and never went anywhere where he didn’t make a friend. He was a great kid, my David. I love him very much, and miss him terribly. Somewhere, in the early years of our marriage, my wife and I began losing ourselves in the daily struggles of making ends meet, taking care of David’s medical needs (a cystic requires alot of medical care on a daily basis), and trying to provide a good life for our son. My wife was the primary caregiver (full-time mom, nurse, teacher, friend, and occasional part-time jobs, as David’s health permitted). I was the provider. I worked many long days/hours in order to provide much needed money for my family. I missed a lot of special times with my wife and David because I was busy trying to keep us afloat financially. My wife and I allowed the stress of this kind of life to drive a wedge between us, and we lost sight of who we were as a couple. We hardly ever made time for ourselves, both of us frequently too tired to invest any more energy into our relationship. It seemed that when one of us was ready for time alone together, the other wasn’t. And so this went on, for 16 years, till David died. I have to also add, we never received much support, either financially or emotionaly from our families, why I don’t know. When David died, we were devastated. Everything we had built our life around had come to an end. I wanted to sell the house, quit my job, and move to someplace free the bittersweet memories of where we lived. My wife wouldn’t think of such a thing. To even think of leaving, of altering David’s bedroom, sent her into hysterics. So I, not understanding what I was doing, put my grief on a shelf, and went back to work, and sort of became a zombie. My wife spent the next year lying on the couch, crying, griefing, not wanting to go anywhere, because her entire reason for existence had died. After that first year, I managed to encourage her to begin making small steps to go out with her friends, and got her online with AOL, thinking that maybe online chat/discussion groups would help her get through her grief/mourning. It did. She began seeing that there was life, after David’s death. She began making new friends, going to Get-Togethers, trying new things. What about me? I continued to work, to pay the bills, acting like a zombie, never seeming to find the time or energy to join her in these pursuits. At the time, I never realized what I was doing, I had put my grief on hold, stopped growing, had no hobbies, and had basically just bowed out of life. In September, 1998, she announced that she "wanted out". She no longer had the same feelings for me that I had for her. The only reason that we stayed married for as long as we did (20 years) was because of David. He was our only bond. Something happened. It was as if someone had held a mirror up to my life and was showing everything I had missed with my son, and everything I had missed in my relationship with my wife. The flood gates opened, or probably, the dam broke. All of the grief, anger, loss, desparation, bitterness, that I had put on the shelf 3 years ago, came flowing out. I was finally allowing the grief/ mourning of the loss of my son, to come out. Something else happened, I saw my wife for the first time, in many years as the beautiful, sweet, intelligent, woman that I fell in love with and married. I fell in love with her again. It took her telling me that she was leaving, to bring back to me all the emotions and feelings that I needed to start the healing process, and to begin to grow again. At the time when I needed her the most, she couldn’t stand to be around me. She loathed my touch, and would hardly even let me hug her. In her words I "creeped her out". I can’t begin to describe the agony I felt when she packed up and left. I felt so alone, so old, bitter, and the grief for my son intensified all this to the point where I thought my head would explode. It didn’t. I tried (on the telephone, letters, and email) to explain all this to my wife, to give me the opportunity to show her how I could love her, how we could build on our past, and find a life together we both could enjoy. I tried for months to do this, but she shunned all my attempts, finally telling me not to try and call her or see her, and she was divorcing me, as soon as she had the money. I have given her what she has asked me for, I have left her alone, and the divorce was final April 16, 1999 at 9:55 am. So here I am, alone, bitter, having alienated any friends or relatives who might have been able to give me some support. I feel sorry for myself, sorry for my son, sorry for my wife and my marriage. I feel like a monster. Every day the thought of suicide crosses my mind more than once. I was a husband, a father, I had a family, a life, a purpose, a reason for existence. Now I have nothing but memories and dreams of what could have been. I love my wife(ex) with a passion that I never knew I had in me. What a cruel joke to have emotions like this, and the two people I love most in this world are not here to share them. Equally cruel, is that the one person in this world that I want to be with, is the the one person in this world who can’t stand the sight of me. David

Response:

I don’t know where to start, so here goes: My wife and I married in love with each other. About a year later, we were blessed with a beautiful son, David, who had medical problems from day one. Two months later he was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, a chronic, genetic, disease of the endocrine glands. He died in December, 1995, of a viral infection, he was almost 16 years old. He was a fighter and a trooper, who put up with IV’s, repeated hospitalizations, doctors poking and nurses prodding, x-rays, specimen gathering, etc., his entire life. Through all this, he managed to almost always have a smile on his face, knew how to have fun, and never went anywhere where he didn’t make a friend. He was a great kid, my David. I love him very much, and miss him terribly. Somewhere, in the early years of our marriage, my wife and I began losing ourselves in the daily struggles of making ends meet, taking care of David’s medical needs (a cystic requires alot of medical care on a daily basis), and trying to provide a good life for our son. My wife was the primary caregiver (full-time mom, nurse, teacher, friend, and occasional part-time jobs, as David’s health permitted). I was the provider. I worked many long days/hours in order to provide much needed money for my family. I missed a lot of special times with my wife and David because I was busy trying to keep us afloat financially. My wife and I allowed the stress of this kind of life to drive a wedge between us, and we lost sight of who we were as a couple. We hardly ever made time for ourselves, both of us frequently too tired to invest any more energy into our relationship. It seemed that when one of us was ready for time alone together, the other wasn’t. And so this went on, for 16 years, till David died. I have to also add, we never received much support, either financially or emotionaly from our families, why I don’t know. When David died, we were devastated. Everything we had built our life around had come to an end. I wanted to sell the house, quit my job, and move to someplace free the bittersweet memories of where we lived. My wife wouldn’t think of such a thing. To even think of leaving, of altering David’s bedroom, sent her into hysterics. So I, not understanding what I was doing, put my grief on a shelf, and went back to work, and sort of became a zombie. My wife spent the next year lying on the couch, crying, griefing, not wanting to go anywhere, because her entire reason for existence had died. After that first year, I managed to encourage her to begin making small steps to go out with her friends, and got her online with AOL, thinking that maybe online chat/discussion groups would help her get through her grief/mourning. It did. She began seeing that there was life, after David’s death. She began making new friends, going to Get-Togethers, trying new things. What about me? I continued to work, to pay the bills, acting like a zombie, never seeming to find the time or energy to join her in these pursuits. At the time, I never realized what I was doing, I had put my grief on hold, stopped growing, had no hobbies, and had basically just bowed out of life. In September, 1998, she announced that she "wanted out". She no longer had the same feelings for me that I had for her. The only reason that we stayed married for as long as we did (20 years) was because of David. He was our only bond. Something happened. It was as if someone had held a mirror up to my life and was showing everything I had missed with my son, and everything I had missed in my relationship with my wife. The flood gates opened, or probably, the dam broke. All of the grief, anger, loss, desparation, bitterness, that I had put on the shelf 3 years ago, came flowing out. I was finally allowing the grief/ mourning of the loss of my son, to come out. Something else happened, I saw my wife for the first time, in many years as the beautiful, sweet, intelligent, woman that I fell in love with and married. I fell in love with her again. It took her telling me that she was leaving, to bring back to me all the emotions and feelings that I needed to start the healing process, and to begin to grow again. At the time when I needed her the most, she couldn’t stand to be around me. She loathed my touch, and would hardly even let me hug her. In her words I "creeped her out". I can’t begin to describe the agony I felt when she packed up and left. I felt so alone, so old, bitter, and the grief for my son intensified all this to the point where I thought my head would explode. It didn’t. I tried (on the telephone, letters, and email) to explain all this to my wife, to give me the opportunity to show her how I could love her, how we could build on our past, and find a life together we both could enjoy. I tried for months to do this, but she shunned all my attempts, finally telling me not to try and call her or see her, and she was divorcing me, as soon as she had the money. I have given her what she has asked me for, I have left her alone, and the divorce was final April 16, 1999 at 9:55 am. So here I am, alone, bitter, having alienated any friends or relatives who might have been able to give me some support. I feel sorry for myself, sorry for my son, sorry for my wife and my marriage. I feel like a monster. Every day the thought of suicide crosses my mind more than once. I was a husband, a father, I had a family, a life, a purpose, a reason for existence. Now I have nothing but memories and dreams of what could have been. I love my wife(ex) with a passion that I never knew I had in me. What a cruel joke to have emotions like this, and the two people I love most in this world are not here to share them. Equally cruel, is that the one person in this world that I want to be with, is the the one person in this world who can’t stand the sight of me. David

Response:

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