Act Acting » Acting Jobs » Should this marraige be saved?

Should this marraige be saved?

Question:

Cari{P} <Car…@comcast.net> writes: > The problem that I see with "Staying together for the kids" is that > your kids can end up with a warped view of marriage.  They’ll be able > to sense the tension, the anger, the lack of romance, the lack of > intimacy and all that other jazz.  They’ll run the risk of thinking > that their parents’ relationship is they way marriage -is-.  That can > really fuck them up later in life when they start dating and get > married themselves.

Yes,  I agree with this completely.  I think it is important to model the sort of life you hope your children will have.  This is much more useful to them then martyring yourself. > One of my local friends just ended an abusive relationship with > someone who’s parents had stayed together for him.  As a result, he > has no clue about healthy ways to interact with people.. he saw his > dad treat his mom poorly every day of his life and, to him, that’s the > way men should treat women.  Sad :( > Staying together for the kids just, in my opinion, doesn’t seem to > benefit anyone.  Including the kids. > I’m sorry that you’re going through this, Brian.  I can’t begin to > imagine how much it must suck.

Wait – Brian isn’t going through this, is he?  The OP is going through it, and the OP wasn’t Brian.  Or did I miss something?         Doug

Response:

Henry <free45man2…@yahoo.com> wrote: > I feel used and abused.  My wife generally refuses to discuss the > situation, and will not see a marriage counselor.  I haven’t had sex > in at least two weeks, maybe more by now.  This is not that unusual, > either.

I suggest you go over to marriagebuilders.com and read about emotional needs.  You two sound like people who aren’t having their needs met and are retaliating by refusing to meet each other’s needs (and around and around). Before bailing out, why not try being the best spouse you can be, meeting your W’s emotional needs, and stopping any love busters you have (also discussed on marriagebuilders.com)?  She may come around and want to be the best spouse *she* can be as well.  If it doesn’t work, you’ll know you’ve really tried, and the process will be of great benefit to you in your next relationship.

Response:

Henry <free45man2…@yahoo.com> wrote:

: That’s a very incisive point.  The fact of the matter is, she had a : domineering, disciplinarian stage-mother. My wife ended up being : somewhat alienated from her Mom, and prefers the distance here in : America.  The point is, she learned to fight back at her Mom, as well : as any other real or percieved attempts to dominate her.  While this : me have been a successful tactic againt her Mom, it’s killing me. : I’ve told her that I’m not her Mom, but her personality is such that : she gets her back up very quickly. While it might be good for : surviving that kind of a childhood, it’s unfortunately not real great : for a marriage. This might be the case, indeed. Abused people who can’t really escape the abuse develop their own coping mechanisms – being it work, booze or (like it seems in your wife’s case) alienating the abuser and fighting back at any real or imagined attempts of abuse. This is not a balanced and rational behaviour of any kind, and, as you very rightfully pointed out, "you are not her Mom", and she should be able to notice the difference. The sad fact is she can’t. "Why?" you may want to ask. Because she is dependant, the behaviour her mother enforced on her is still here. That’s the way of dealing with people she has learned as a kid, at very early age. Now to "unlearn" this she needs professional help, and it may possibly take years after she finally will decide to find some. : It’s no problem for her.  She’s got everything – doesn’t have to work, : family, free to pursue her career, a house, a garden.  She does fine : without sex, that’s not a problem for her. Is the fact that *you* feel bad without sex a problem for her? If not, than maybe you are better of, as she has been trapped in her mother’s "My way or highway" marriage model, and won’t change without hitting the rock bottom. That’s very similar to what happens to alcoholics – they admit thay have a problem only afteer their job, their marriage and their health goes down the crapper. Before that any attempts to "enlighten" them are mostly futile. : As far as she’s concerned, it’s my problem, not hers.  And she knows I : don’t want to break up because of our daughter. And I don’t make : enough money to pay alimony, anyway.  All my money went to the house, : which of course she would get if we divorced, anwyay. Money is not all that important. You will be screwed (forgive me this very bad pun), but the false sense of security makes no good for your wife. You might consider telling her what you posted in this forum. She needs to know you absolutely can’t cope with her behaviour, and if nothing changes, you are not going to live with that forever. Timo — Chamber-pot is spamtrap. Contact me tiwoll at gmx dot net.

Response:

Doug Anderson wrote: > Wait – Brian isn’t going through this, is he?  The OP is going through > it, and the OP wasn’t Brian.  Or did I miss something? >         Doug

I think you missed something.. but maybe I read what Brian wrote wrong. Cari

Response:

Cari{P} <Car…@comcast.net> writes: > Doug Anderson wrote: > > Wait – Brian isn’t going through this, is he?  The OP is going through > > it, and the OP wasn’t Brian.  Or did I miss something? > >         Doug > I think you missed something.. but maybe I read what Brian wrote > wrong.

I guess you’re right.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -J. Brian Chamberlin wrote: > On 13 Apr 2003 16:51:22 -0700, free45man2…@yahoo.com (Henry) wrote: >>J. Brian Chamberlin <jbrianchamber…@yahoo.com> wrote in message <news:ao0j9v8qjmdtugm7acgvs5om7f5cehmmi9@4ax.com>… >>>On 13 Apr 2003 08:15:03 -0700, free45man2…@yahoo.com (Henry) wrote: >>>>Hi, >>>>Thank you all for hearing my rather unfortunate story.   >>>>I met my wife 10 years ago in Japan.  She’s pretty, classy, and >>>>talented, although in a humble kind of way.  When she became pregnant, >>>>we married and moved to America.  We have a home and our daughter.  I >>>>work, she doesn’t except for occasional acting jobs (she’s pursuing a >>>>career in acting, which she’s quite good at). >>>>However, from the time she found she was pregnant, our sex life has >>>>been patchy. She almost always resists my advances, and when we do >>>>have sex, it’s somewhat grudgingly.  Other than this one enormous >>>>problem, I could be happy.  She’s a good mother to my daughter and >>>>keeps a good house.  She’s not lazy by any stretch. >>>>I have the feeling I’ve been used to get her away from a financially >>>>difficult life in Japan to a better one in America, where her acting >>>>aspirations can be financed by my paycheck. I’ve felt this way for a >>>>long time, and would have ended the relationship long ago if not for >>>>our daughter. >>>>I’m now looking forward to the time when our daughter is old enough >>>>that a divorce won’t be too hugely disruptive to her life. >>>>I feel used and abused.  My wife generally refuses to discuss the >>>>situation, and will not see a marriage counselor.  I haven’t had sex >>>>in at least two weeks, maybe more by now.  This is not that unusual, >>>>either. >>>>What are my options?  The only way I can see to save this marriage is >>>>if she suddenly became interested in having sex again, which after 10 >>>>years of waiting I can’t see happening. I’m totally uninterested in >>>>conducting affairs on the side for a variety of reasons (guilt, >>>>hassles, time, money, etc.). >>>>Thanks for your thoughts and advice, >>>>Henry >>>How old is your daughter now? >>>–Brian >>Thank for your interest, Brian.  She’s 10. >>Henry > Heny – > Waiting until your daughter is old enough to "understand" is a nobel > thing, but is it really fair to yourself if you want to leave? Ending > a marriage is something that I’ve been thinking a lot about.  What’s > worse, I have a 3 year old and my wife is currently pregnant. It > wasn’t planned – in fact, she became pregnant during a time when we > were going through a very rough time.  I’ve been thinking that staying > for the kids is best, but I’m not sure how long I could live this way. > My heart goes out to you though.  Going through this stuff really > sucks. > –Brian

The problem that I see with "Staying together for the kids" is that your kids can end up with a warped view of marriage.  They’ll be able to sense the tension, the anger, the lack of romance, the lack of intimacy and all that other jazz.  They’ll run the risk of thinking that their parents’ relationship is they way marriage -is-.  That can really fuck them up later in life when they start dating and get married themselves. One of my local friends just ended an abusive relationship with someone who’s parents had stayed together for him.  As a result, he has no clue about healthy ways to interact with people.. he saw his dad treat his mom poorly every day of his life and, to him, that’s the way men should treat women.  Sad :( Staying together for the kids just, in my opinion, doesn’t seem to benefit anyone.  Including the kids. I’m sorry that you’re going through this, Brian.  I can’t begin to imagine how much it must suck. Cari – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –

Response:

Since she is pursuing an acting career .. and you said the problem started when she got pregnant.. could she be worried ( either consciously or unconsciously) about getting pregnant again? Kass "Henry" <free45man2…@yahoo.com> wrote in message

news:6d1f17a1.0304130715.4719f809@posting.google.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi, > Thank you all for hearing my rather unfortunate story. > I met my wife 10 years ago in Japan.  She’s pretty, classy, and > talented, although in a humble kind of way.  When she became pregnant, > we married and moved to America.  We have a home and our daughter.  I > work, she doesn’t except for occasional acting jobs (she’s pursuing a > career in acting, which she’s quite good at). > However, from the time she found she was pregnant, our sex life has > been patchy. She almost always resists my advances, and when we do > have sex, it’s somewhat grudgingly.  Other than this one enormous > problem, I could be happy.  She’s a good mother to my daughter and > keeps a good house.  She’s not lazy by any stretch. > I have the feeling I’ve been used to get her away from a financially > difficult life in Japan to a better one in America, where her acting > aspirations can be financed by my paycheck. I’ve felt this way for a > long time, and would have ended the relationship long ago if not for > our daughter. > I’m now looking forward to the time when our daughter is old enough > that a divorce won’t be too hugely disruptive to her life. > I feel used and abused.  My wife generally refuses to discuss the > situation, and will not see a marriage counselor.  I haven’t had sex > in at least two weeks, maybe more by now.  This is not that unusual, > either. > What are my options?  The only way I can see to save this marriage is > if she suddenly became interested in having sex again, which after 10 > years of waiting I can’t see happening. I’m totally uninterested in > conducting affairs on the side for a variety of reasons (guilt, > hassles, time, money, etc.). > Thanks for your thoughts and advice, > Henry

Response:

Unfuckingbelievable!  The only person concerned with the original poster’s problem is Brian J.  Good for you, Brian.  It seems as if in my lurking time that Brian has on occassion been beaten down as "crude" and hmmm…."maritally inexperienced?"  Puhleeze! As far as any words I may have for Henry?  Two weeks without sex is not a long time.  Have you studied her culture?  <I’m sure you have — your daugher is 10>  Are your issues sexual or do they actually come from within you?  Do you resent things you "shouldn’t"?   Would you be more satisfied without your wife or with her?  Your daugher is old enough that you can maintain a relationship no matter what "mom" does. amy

Response:

>From: free45man2…@yahoo.com  (Henry) >Date: 04/13/2003 11:15 AM Eastern Daylight Time >I’m now looking forward to the time when our daughter is old enough >that a divorce won’t be too hugely disruptive to her life.

When is that? kitten

Response:

"Henry" <free45man2…@yahoo.com> wrote in message

news:6d1f17a1.0304130715.4719f809@posting.google.com… <snip> > What are my options?  The only way I can see to save this marriage is > if she suddenly became interested in having sex again, which after 10 > years of waiting I can’t see happening. I’m totally uninterested in > conducting affairs on the side for a variety of reasons (guilt, > hassles, time, money, etc.).

What incentive is there for her to become interested in sex again? (I dont think threat of divorce would be much incentive) When you do have sex with her is she enjoying it or does she only see it as a chore to keep you happy? Amy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Thanks for your thoughts and advice, > Henry

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -J. Brian Chamberlin wrote: > On 13 Apr 2003 08:15:03 -0700, free45man2…@yahoo.com (Henry) wrote: >>Hi, >>Thank you all for hearing my rather unfortunate story.   >>I met my wife 10 years ago in Japan.  She’s pretty, classy, and >>talented, although in a humble kind of way.  When she became pregnant, >>we married and moved to America.  We have a home and our daughter.  I >>work, she doesn’t except for occasional acting jobs (she’s pursuing a >>career in acting, which she’s quite good at). >>However, from the time she found she was pregnant, our sex life has >>been patchy. She almost always resists my advances, and when we do >>have sex, it’s somewhat grudgingly.  Other than this one enormous >>problem, I could be happy.  She’s a good mother to my daughter and >>keeps a good house.  She’s not lazy by any stretch. >>I have the feeling I’ve been used to get her away from a financially >>difficult life in Japan to a better one in America, where her acting >>aspirations can be financed by my paycheck. I’ve felt this way for a >>long time, and would have ended the relationship long ago if not for >>our daughter. >>I’m now looking forward to the time when our daughter is old enough >>that a divorce won’t be too hugely disruptive to her life. >>I feel used and abused.  My wife generally refuses to discuss the >>situation, and will not see a marriage counselor.  I haven’t had sex >>in at least two weeks, maybe more by now.  This is not that unusual, >>either. >>What are my options?  The only way I can see to save this marriage is >>if she suddenly became interested in having sex again, which after 10 >>years of waiting I can’t see happening. I’m totally uninterested in >>conducting affairs on the side for a variety of reasons (guilt, >>hassles, time, money, etc.). >>Thanks for your thoughts and advice, >>Henry > How old is your daughter now? > –Brian

I’d assume between 9 and 10 since they’ve been married 10 years and married after she became pregnant. Cari

Response:

>From: "fairly_happy" fairly_happywithouts…@withoutspamyahoo.com >Date: 04/13/2003 9:56 PM Eastern Daylight Time >It is kind of interesting to me, because I stayed married very much longer >than I should have, at least in part because I thought it was best for the >kids.  My kids were both teenagers when we divorced, and their response was >along the lines of wishing I’d divorced him years earlier.

My parents had a little chat with me about my mom possibly moving out for a while when I was eight.  I was expecting this.  Nobody moved out and nobody got divorced.  ???  Then, when I was 12, they were suddenly getting divorced. I was pretty pissed off because they had kept me on edge for a couple of years, just waiting for somebody to move out.  Then, when they finally buy the property they’ve been dreaming of and settle down in the place they want to retire, they’re suddenly divorcing. My parents never should have gotten married and shouldn’t have dragged it out (admittedly, their circumstances are pretty unusual). kitten

Response:

kitten wrote: >> From: free45man2…@yahoo.com  (Henry) >> Date: 04/13/2003 11:15 AM Eastern Daylight Time >> I’m now looking forward to the time when our daughter is old enough >> that a divorce won’t be too hugely disruptive to her life. > When is that? > kitten

I’d say 30, as a rough "seat of the pants" approximation.

Response:

Tara D <mande…@eol.ca> writes: > On Sun, 13 Apr 2003 21:00:20 GMT, Doug Anderson > <ethelthe…@yahoo.com> wrote: > >I just found out last night that parents of a friend of mine (he’s in > >his early 40s) are in trouble.  It is shocking – they’ve been married > >45 years and suddenly he is talking about leaving his wife for another > >woman! > Did your friend’s dad’s mother recently pass away (last year or so?).

That, I don’t know.

Response:

J. Brian Chamberlin <jbrianchamber…@yahoo.com> wrote in message <news:ao0j9v8qjmdtugm7acgvs5om7f5cehmmi9@4ax.com>… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> On 13 Apr 2003 08:15:03 -0700, free45man2…@yahoo.com (Henry) wrote: > >Hi, > >Thank you all for hearing my rather unfortunate story.   > >I met my wife 10 years ago in Japan.  She’s pretty, classy, and > >talented, although in a humble kind of way.  When she became pregnant, > >we married and moved to America.  We have a home and our daughter.  I > >work, she doesn’t except for occasional acting jobs (she’s pursuing a > >career in acting, which she’s quite good at). > >However, from the time she found she was pregnant, our sex life has > >been patchy. She almost always resists my advances, and when we do > >have sex, it’s somewhat grudgingly.  Other than this one enormous > >problem, I could be happy.  She’s a good mother to my daughter and > >keeps a good house.  She’s not lazy by any stretch. > >I have the feeling I’ve been used to get her away from a financially > >difficult life in Japan to a better one in America, where her acting > >aspirations can be financed by my paycheck. I’ve felt this way for a > >long time, and would have ended the relationship long ago if not for > >our daughter. > >I’m now looking forward to the time when our daughter is old enough > >that a divorce won’t be too hugely disruptive to her life. > >I feel used and abused.  My wife generally refuses to discuss the > >situation, and will not see a marriage counselor.  I haven’t had sex > >in at least two weeks, maybe more by now.  This is not that unusual, > >either. > >What are my options?  The only way I can see to save this marriage is > >if she suddenly became interested in having sex again, which after 10 > >years of waiting I can’t see happening. I’m totally uninterested in > >conducting affairs on the side for a variety of reasons (guilt, > >hassles, time, money, etc.). > >Thanks for your thoughts and advice, > >Henry > How old is your daughter now? > –Brian

Thank for your interest, Brian.  She’s 10. Henry

Response:

On 13 Apr 2003 16:51:22 -0700, free45man2…@yahoo.com (Henry) wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->J. Brian Chamberlin <jbrianchamber…@yahoo.com> wrote in message <news:ao0j9v8qjmdtugm7acgvs5om7f5cehmmi9@4ax.com>… >> On 13 Apr 2003 08:15:03 -0700, free45man2…@yahoo.com (Henry) wrote: >> >Hi, >> >Thank you all for hearing my rather unfortunate story.   >> >I met my wife 10 years ago in Japan.  She’s pretty, classy, and >> >talented, although in a humble kind of way.  When she became pregnant, >> >we married and moved to America.  We have a home and our daughter.  I >> >work, she doesn’t except for occasional acting jobs (she’s pursuing a >> >career in acting, which she’s quite good at). >> >However, from the time she found she was pregnant, our sex life has >> >been patchy. She almost always resists my advances, and when we do >> >have sex, it’s somewhat grudgingly.  Other than this one enormous >> >problem, I could be happy.  She’s a good mother to my daughter and >> >keeps a good house.  She’s not lazy by any stretch. >> >I have the feeling I’ve been used to get her away from a financially >> >difficult life in Japan to a better one in America, where her acting >> >aspirations can be financed by my paycheck. I’ve felt this way for a >> >long time, and would have ended the relationship long ago if not for >> >our daughter. >> >I’m now looking forward to the time when our daughter is old enough >> >that a divorce won’t be too hugely disruptive to her life. >> >I feel used and abused.  My wife generally refuses to discuss the >> >situation, and will not see a marriage counselor.  I haven’t had sex >> >in at least two weeks, maybe more by now.  This is not that unusual, >> >either. >> >What are my options?  The only way I can see to save this marriage is >> >if she suddenly became interested in having sex again, which after 10 >> >years of waiting I can’t see happening. I’m totally uninterested in >> >conducting affairs on the side for a variety of reasons (guilt, >> >hassles, time, money, etc.). >> >Thanks for your thoughts and advice, >> >Henry >> How old is your daughter now? >> –Brian >Thank for your interest, Brian.  She’s 10. >Henry

Heny – Waiting until your daughter is old enough to "understand" is a nobel thing, but is it really fair to yourself if you want to leave? Ending a marriage is something that I’ve been thinking a lot about.  What’s worse, I have a 3 year old and my wife is currently pregnant. It wasn’t planned – in fact, she became pregnant during a time when we were going through a very rough time.  I’ve been thinking that staying for the kids is best, but I’m not sure how long I could live this way. My heart goes out to you though.  Going through this stuff really sucks. –Brian

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -free45man2…@yahoo.com (Henry) writes: > Doug Anderson <ethelthe…@yahoo.com> wrote in message <news:Ttfma.465588$S_4.522018@rwcrnsc53>… > > free45man2…@yahoo.com (Henry) writes: > > > Hi, > > > Thank you all for hearing my rather unfortunate story.   > > > I met my wife 10 years ago in Japan.  She’s pretty, classy, and > > > talented, although in a humble kind of way.  When she became pregnant, > > > we married and moved to America.  We have a home and our daughter.  I > > > work, she doesn’t except for occasional acting jobs (she’s pursuing a > > > career in acting, which she’s quite good at). > > > However, from the time she found she was pregnant, our sex life has > > > been patchy. She almost always resists my advances, and when we do > > > have sex, it’s somewhat grudgingly.  Other than this one enormous > > > problem, I could be happy.  She’s a good mother to my daughter and > > > keeps a good house.  She’s not lazy by any stretch. > > > snip rest > > If you read some marriage self-help books, one of the things you’ll > > discover is that one of the default diagnoses in a situation like > > yours is that your wife is resentful towards you for something > > (consciously or unconsciously) and is withholding sex (consciously or > > unconsciously) because of that. > That’s a very incisive point.  The fact of the matter is, she had a > domineering, disciplinarian stage-mother. My wife ended up being > somewhat alienated from her Mom, and prefers the distance here in > America.  The point is, she learned to fight back at her Mom, as well > as any other real or percieved attempts to dominate her.  While this > me have been a successful tactic againt her Mom, it’s killing me. > I’ve told her that I’m not her Mom, but her personality is such that > she gets her back up very quickly. While it might be good for > surviving that kind of a childhood, it’s unfortunately not real great > for a marriage.

OK, but something in the dynamics of your relationship is giving her something to "fight back at" (your words).  So while you aren’t her mom, perhaps things you are doing are playing the part of her mom. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> snip > > Of course this may or may not be true.  But it is probably worth > > investigating to see if it is possible to get your marriage back on an > > even keel. > > If you both agree that there is a problem (even if each of you think > > the problem is something different, which is likely), perhaps you can > > read marriage counseling books together and work on things together. > > _Or_ you could actually try marriage counseling. > > If your wife denies that there is any problem, even in the face of you > > telling her that you are unhappy with the situation, it is hard for me > > to imagine what you can do to save your marriage. > It’s no problem for her.  She’s got everything – doesn’t have to work, > family, free to pursue her career, a house, a garden.  She does fine > without sex, that’s not a problem for her. > As far as she’s concerned, it’s my problem, not hers.  And she knows I > don’t want to break up because of our daughter. And I don’t make > enough money to pay alimony, anyway.  All my money went to the house, > which of course she would get if we divorced, anwyay. > Do I have any viable options here?

So I understand you to be saying that your wife care neither about your relationship, nor about you.  Otherwise the fact that _you_ are unhappy would be sufficient reason to work on things. If that is true, _I_ can’t see any viable way to revive your relationship.  Maybe someone else has a better suggestion.  You have viable options, but if you aren’t willing to countenance divorcing, and your wife knows that, you don’t even have a bargaining chip with her.         Doug

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Doug Anderson <ethelthe…@yahoo.com> wrote in message <news:Ttfma.465588$S_4.522018@rwcrnsc53>… > free45man2…@yahoo.com (Henry) writes: > > Hi, > > Thank you all for hearing my rather unfortunate story.   > > I met my wife 10 years ago in Japan.  She’s pretty, classy, and > > talented, although in a humble kind of way.  When she became pregnant, > > we married and moved to America.  We have a home and our daughter.  I > > work, she doesn’t except for occasional acting jobs (she’s pursuing a > > career in acting, which she’s quite good at). > > However, from the time she found she was pregnant, our sex life has > > been patchy. She almost always resists my advances, and when we do > > have sex, it’s somewhat grudgingly.  Other than this one enormous > > problem, I could be happy.  She’s a good mother to my daughter and > > keeps a good house.  She’s not lazy by any stretch. > > snip rest > If you read some marriage self-help books, one of the things you’ll > discover is that one of the default diagnoses in a situation like > yours is that your wife is resentful towards you for something > (consciously or unconsciously) and is withholding sex (consciously or > unconsciously) because of that.

That’s a very incisive point.  The fact of the matter is, she had a domineering, disciplinarian stage-mother. My wife ended up being somewhat alienated from her Mom, and prefers the distance here in America.  The point is, she learned to fight back at her Mom, as well as any other real or percieved attempts to dominate her.  While this me have been a successful tactic againt her Mom, it’s killing me. I’ve told her that I’m not her Mom, but her personality is such that she gets her back up very quickly. While it might be good for surviving that kind of a childhood, it’s unfortunately not real great for a marriage. The other problem is the model of her parents marriage – her mom despised her dad and carried on an open affair of sorts. My wife, she can’t stand either of them. They ended up separated. My model is of two parents who love one another very deeply, almost an ideal marriage. So, I’ve got some serious backround noise to struggle against. > Of course this may or may not be true.  But it is probably worth > investigating to see if it is possible to get your marriage back on an > even keel. > If you both agree that there is a problem (even if each of you think > the problem is something different, which is likely), perhaps you can > read marriage counseling books together and work on things together. > _Or_ you could actually try marriage counseling. > If your wife denies that there is any problem, even in the face of you > telling her that you are unhappy with the situation, it is hard for me > to imagine what you can do to save your marriage.

It’s no problem for her.  She’s got everything – doesn’t have to work, family, free to pursue her career, a house, a garden.  She does fine without sex, that’s not a problem for her. As far as she’s concerned, it’s my problem, not hers.  And she knows I don’t want to break up because of our daughter. And I don’t make enough money to pay alimony, anyway.  All my money went to the house, which of course she would get if we divorced, anwyay. Do I have any viable options here? Thanks for your feedback, it’s appreciated. Henry

Response:

"Tara D" <mande…@eol.ca> wrote in message

news:4s1j9vk008o0g30otiqbndvkr4vqbfrfs2@4ax.com… > On Sun, 13 Apr 2003 15:43:12 GMT, Doug Anderson > <ethelthe…@yahoo.com> wrote: > They both realized their parent’s marriages weren’t perfect, had their > warts, but their parents also had developed their tactics to deal with > them.  I think it was more shock that after 40 or 50 years of > marriage, it would end in divorce (don’t we all experience some degree > of wonder when long-term marriages end).

Would it have been better for them if their parents had divorced years earlier, then?

Response:

Tara D <mande…@eol.ca> writes: > On Sun, 13 Apr 2003 15:43:12 GMT, Doug Anderson > <ethelthe…@yahoo.com> wrote: > >Your friends seem to have postponed growing up to an astonishing age. > They both realized their parent’s marriages weren’t perfect, had their > warts, but their parents also had developed their tactics to deal with > them.  I think it was more shock that after 40 or 50 years of > marriage, it would end in divorce (don’t we all experience some degree > of wonder when long-term marriages end).

Well, shock seems reasonable.  A huge disruption of their lives (as it might have been when they were, say, 10) seems a bit unreasonable. > I know when I heard about the first one, I was a bit dismayed.  The > second was almost deja-view for me as there were a lot of > similarities.

I just found out last night that parents of a friend of mine (he’s in his early 40s) are in trouble.  It is shocking – they’ve been married 45 years and suddenly he is talking about leaving his wife for another woman!         Doug

Response:

"Tara D" <mande…@eol.ca> wrote in message

news:d4pj9v8fl511up5bhe829iqgcls2n1ht4h@4ax.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> On Sun, 13 Apr 2003 14:35:22 -0700, "fairly_happy" > <fairly_happywithouts…@withoutspamyahoo.com> wrote: > >Would it have been better for them if their parents had divorced years > >earlier, then? > Speaking for myself, my brother passed away when I was in my 20’s.  I > honestly thought my parents would split up, and both have since > expressed the same concern at the time.  Now if they came to me some > 15 years later and announced they were splitting up, I would be in > total shock. > I could have handled it then as there were signs, and I was mentally > preparing myself.  Today, I’d be so blown away, that I wouldn’t have a > clue what to expect. > Tara

So if it happened today it would be a matter of being out of the blue, and unexpected?  With some element of feeling that after so many years of marriage they’ve figured out how to accommodate each other and are therefore not likely to split up? It is kind of interesting to me, because I stayed married very much longer than I should have, at least in part because I thought it was best for the kids.  My kids were both teenagers when we divorced, and their response was along the lines of wishing I’d divorced him years earlier.  In my case, staying together for the sake of the kids was not the best thing to do – although I could only see that in retrospect. (Let me add that I don’t necessarily advocate divorce when there are children involved – for many, it would be a disaster.  Best interest of the kids simply must be provided for.)

Response:

Tara D <mande…@eol.ca> writes: > On 13 Apr 2003 08:15:03 -0700, free45man2…@yahoo.com (Henry) wrote: > >I’m now looking forward to the time when our daughter is old enough > >that a divorce won’t be too hugely disruptive to her life. > I’m curious what age that is?  I’ve had two friends recently go > through the divorce of their parents, and it’s been nothing but > devastating to them.  One was 32, and his parents waited until his > younger sister finished University.  The other was 37, and her parents > waited until all the kids had been settled away from home for a few > years.

Your friends seem to have postponed growing up to an astonishing age. At some point, one has to realize that one’s parents are just people, warts and all.  They have their good points and bad points.  If we’re lucky, their good points included loving us and showing that in a useful way to encourage our own growth. Failure to realize this and idealization of one’s parents that continues into adulthood usually results in immature adults who blame all their problems on their parents and are incapable of moving beyond that stage of their life.  (In my opinion, this stage should mostly be restricted to the teen years, though it isn’t pathological for it to spill over into the 20s a little bit.  If it is still going on in the 30s, then there is trouble.)         Doug

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -free45man2…@yahoo.com (Henry) writes: > Hi, > Thank you all for hearing my rather unfortunate story.   > I met my wife 10 years ago in Japan.  She’s pretty, classy, and > talented, although in a humble kind of way.  When she became pregnant, > we married and moved to America.  We have a home and our daughter.  I > work, she doesn’t except for occasional acting jobs (she’s pursuing a > career in acting, which she’s quite good at). > However, from the time she found she was pregnant, our sex life has > been patchy. She almost always resists my advances, and when we do > have sex, it’s somewhat grudgingly.  Other than this one enormous > problem, I could be happy.  She’s a good mother to my daughter and > keeps a good house.  She’s not lazy by any stretch. > snip rest

If you read some marriage self-help books, one of the things you’ll discover is that one of the default diagnoses in a situation like yours is that your wife is resentful towards you for something (consciously or unconsciously) and is withholding sex (consciously or unconsciously) because of that. Of course this may or may not be true.  But it is probably worth investigating to see if it is possible to get your marriage back on an even keel. If you both agree that there is a problem (even if each of you think the problem is something different, which is likely), perhaps you can read marriage counseling books together and work on things together. _Or_ you could actually try marriage counseling. If your wife denies that there is any problem, even in the face of you telling her that you are unhappy with the situation, it is hard for me to imagine what you can do to save your marriage.         Doug

Response:

On 13 Apr 2003 08:15:03 -0700, free45man2…@yahoo.com (Henry) wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Hi, >Thank you all for hearing my rather unfortunate story.   >I met my wife 10 years ago in Japan.  She’s pretty, classy, and >talented, although in a humble kind of way.  When she became pregnant, >we married and moved to America.  We have a home and our daughter.  I >work, she doesn’t except for occasional acting jobs (she’s pursuing a >career in acting, which she’s quite good at). >However, from the time she found she was pregnant, our sex life has >been patchy. She almost always resists my advances, and when we do >have sex, it’s somewhat grudgingly.  Other than this one enormous >problem, I could be happy.  She’s a good mother to my daughter and >keeps a good house.  She’s not lazy by any stretch. >I have the feeling I’ve been used to get her away from a financially >difficult life in Japan to a better one in America, where her acting >aspirations can be financed by my paycheck. I’ve felt this way for a >long time, and would have ended the relationship long ago if not for >our daughter. >I’m now looking forward to the time when our daughter is old enough >that a divorce won’t be too hugely disruptive to her life. >I feel used and abused.  My wife generally refuses to discuss the >situation, and will not see a marriage counselor.  I haven’t had sex >in at least two weeks, maybe more by now.  This is not that unusual, >either. >What are my options?  The only way I can see to save this marriage is >if she suddenly became interested in having sex again, which after 10 >years of waiting I can’t see happening. I’m totally uninterested in >conducting affairs on the side for a variety of reasons (guilt, >hassles, time, money, etc.). >Thanks for your thoughts and advice, >Henry

How old is your daughter now? –Brian

Response:

Hi, Thank you all for hearing my rather unfortunate story.   I met my wife 10 years ago in Japan.  She’s pretty, classy, and talented, although in a humble kind of way.  When she became pregnant, we married and moved to America.  We have a home and our daughter.  I work, she doesn’t except for occasional acting jobs (she’s pursuing a career in acting, which she’s quite good at). However, from the time she found she was pregnant, our sex life has been patchy. She almost always resists my advances, and when we do have sex, it’s somewhat grudgingly.  Other than this one enormous problem, I could be happy.  She’s a good mother to my daughter and keeps a good house.  She’s not lazy by any stretch. I have the feeling I’ve been used to get her away from a financially difficult life in Japan to a better one in America, where her acting aspirations can be financed by my paycheck. I’ve felt this way for a long time, and would have ended the relationship long ago if not for our daughter. I’m now looking forward to the time when our daughter is old enough that a divorce won’t be too hugely disruptive to her life. I feel used and abused.  My wife generally refuses to discuss the situation, and will not see a marriage counselor.  I haven’t had sex in at least two weeks, maybe more by now.  This is not that unusual, either. What are my options?  The only way I can see to save this marriage is if she suddenly became interested in having sex again, which after 10 years of waiting I can’t see happening. I’m totally uninterested in conducting affairs on the side for a variety of reasons (guilt, hassles, time, money, etc.). Thanks for your thoughts and advice, Henry

Response:

Related Posts

Leave a Reply