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pre-marital counseling

Question:

: I’ve read posts here from Catholic couples talking about engaged : encounters, but I’m wondering if anyone here has advice about : non-religious pre-marital counseling.   My husband and I sought pre-marital counseling.  It was non-religious (since we are both athiests), and I thought it very valuable. We had some unresolved issues to work out, and as much as anything, wanted affirmation that we were as open and communicative as we thought we were. : My fiance and I live together, have been dating for a long time : (4 1/2 years), and generally know each other pretty well, but : some of the officiants I’ve talked to have mentioned that they : *strongly* suggest pre-marital counseling.  Our basic feeling on : this is that it may be a waste of time and money (both of which : we wish we had more of), but we’d be willing to try it.   I personally think counseling is more useful when there is a specific problem to be addressed.  BUT, counseling, even when things are great, is good for other reasons.  For example, a counselor will teach you how to listen (you’d be surprise how poor most people’s listening skills are), and very importantly, how to fight.   Believe it or not, most people don’t know how to fight.  I don’t mean engaged couples should take boxing lessons, but they should know how to resolve conflicts.  Fighting is not a sign of an unhealthy relationship (though constant fighting is), rather it is a sign that the relationship *is* healthy.  But, fights have to be productive to do any good.  For example, name-calling isn’t helpful.  (ex:  "You GODDAMN BASTARD!!!  WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT???").  Bringing in unrelated problems isn’t helpful either. (ex: You really pissed me off last night when you were late.  And six weeks ago, when you didn’t take the garbage out, that made me mad, too).  You’d be surprised how often people do both of the above.   And my piece of advice:  Tell your SO when you’re angry.  Don’t act like a jerk until they figure out that something is wrong, because by that time, he or she’ll be so mad at you for acting like a jerk that it’s unlikely that they’ll be open to fixing the original problem. Counselors are great for teaching methods to work through conflicts. Cathy Weeks

Response:

Usually the concentration on (toward) each other is so intense that very little can done that would make sense to either party. Perhaps the saying "looking at the world through rose colored galsses" would best apply in this instance.  Sooner or later one has to return to the world of reality!  :)   have a fun day! Bob Eff – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I am sure that many of us that are in the counseling arena would tell you that coiunseling done within 6 months before and 6 months after the wedding is not of much value.  The best counseling takes place more than 6 months before the weding date.  The next best time is more than 6 months after the wedding. bob So my question is, have any other couples out there done it? What was it like?  If anyone has any recommendations for a good counselor in the SF Bay area, that would be appreciated too. Thanks,        Jessica (less than 160 days until        the wedding and so much left to do!)

Response:

I am sure that many of us that are in the counseling arena would tell you that coiunseling done within 6 months before and 6 months after the wedding is not of much value.  The best counseling takes place more than 6 months before the weding date.  The next best time is more than 6 months after the wedding. bob

Very interesting.  Why is that? Ivette

Response:

I think no matter how long you have lived together, you can benefit from pre-marital counseling.  Each person brings different expectations and beliefs to the relationship.  Sometimes they are expressed, sometimes they may not be.  If you have only been living together for a short time, it can establish healthy habits to help ensure the long life of the relationship.  If you have been living in sin and degredashun (gasp!!) for longer, then perhaps there are some habits you can learn to undo, such as learning to fight and argue fairly and without name calling that sort of thing. My fiance and I take counseling and I feel that it has helped immensly.  (dang did I spell that right??) Karen and Mike (October 18, 1998) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I’ve read posts here from Catholic couples talking about engaged encounters, but I’m wondering if anyone here has advice about non-religious pre-marital counseling.   My fiance and I live together, have been dating for a long time (4 1/2 years), and generally know each other pretty well, but some of the officiants I’ve talked to have mentioned that they *strongly* suggest pre-marital counseling.  Our basic feeling on this is that it may be a waste of time and money (both of which we wish we had more of), but we’d be willing to try it.   So my question is, have any other couples out there done it? What was it like?  If anyone has any recommendations for a good counselor in the SF Bay area, that would be appreciated too. Thanks,    Jessica (less than 160 days until    the wedding and so much left to do!) — http://reality.sgi.com/jrw/wedding

Response:

I am sure that many of us that are in the counseling arena would tell you that coiunseling done within 6 months before and 6 months after the wedding is not of much value.  The best counseling takes place more than 6 months before the weding date.  The next best time is more than 6 months after the wedding. bob – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -So my question is, have any other couples out there done it? What was it like?  If anyone has any recommendations for a good counselor in the SF Bay area, that would be appreciated too. Thanks,    Jessica (less than 160 days until    the wedding and so much left to do!)

Response:

: If anyone has any recommendations for a good : counselor in the SF Bay area, that would be appreciated too. My wife and I had excellent support from Karl Knobler in Berkeley.  He comes to the process more as a mirror than as one telling you what to do and to believe. Karl Knobler  510-524-3247 I look at a marriage as a business partnership as much as I see it as a romantic relationship.  You trust this person with your heart, your soul, and your intimate physical nature, but do you trust this person with your wallet?  This most intimate question you can ask a person in our culture is not, "Would you like me to nibble on your ear and drive you wild?"  No.  The most intimate question is, "How much money do you make?" Not that people with differing attitudes towards money can’t work things out, but it’s a LOT easier if you do trust each other with your money.  Whatever your situation, be sure to clearly and closely address your attitudes about spending money and what you spend it on. Russ Button

Response:

Jessica was wondering about pre-marital counselling… Our experience is that we’ve been living together for 3 years. Going steady for 4. BUT we had some issues to address before getting married. 1) kids. I didn’t want, she did… We’ve worked that out. 2) state of residence, Her family is where we are now. My family is on the other coast. I want to move. We worked that out. 3) finances. I’m tight. She’s a gift giver. I hate how she handles her money. We’ve found ways to keep that difference from hurting our marriage. 4) etc. These things aren’t issues when you are "living together" but become issues when you marry. (Usually. Can’t say things globally, can I! ;) But we felt that the investment in couples counselling the year before we decided to become engaged was WELL worth our time and money. There are lists of these sorts of issues that marriage counsellors have that you might want to look over and see if you have already handled them, or not! Best of luck to you! Smiles, Amy

Response:

following: My fiance and I live together, have been dating for a long time (4 1/2 years), and generally know each other pretty well, but some of the officiants I’ve talked to have mentioned that they *strongly* suggest pre-marital counseling.  Our basic feeling on this is that it may be a waste of time and money (both of which we wish we had more of), but we’d be willing to try it.  

I know I’m not really answering any of the questions you asked, but I wanted to mention a couple things.  IMHO here: How long have you been living together?  The longer the amount of time the more truth there may be in what I’m going to say below.  Also, do you fight frequently and find it difficult to forgive eachother afterwords?  Note: I’m not saying "fight at all," but a *lot*. If you’ve been living together for a fair length of time then it is very possible that pre-marital counseling is not going to change much (read: help you understand each other, issues, etc. better.)  A large part of the counseling from what I can see has to do w/ how well you know each other.  This can include personal habits, expectations (personal, family, career, fiinancial, other), and much more.  If you’ve talked about those things and come to the necessary conclusions (compromises?), then such counseling is probably much less necessary. Of course, YMMV, but I personally believe that all of these issues should be discussed long before then engagement occurs.  ’Course, I also subscribe to the philosophy that the mariage ceremony is merely a formalization of the commitment between two people that existed long before that day. later…peace…Jud …who finally got the ring back from the jewler and asked Angela today.  We’re looking at 24-OCT-1999.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to save-up $5,000 by then. Note: to send me e-mail, you must include "Hey Jud" w/o quotes somewhere in the body of the message. Sorry, anti-spam filtering.

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