Act Acting » Acting Resume » Can ex's really be friends?

Can ex's really be friends?

Question:

Zimm, I don’t know your story, or if you’ve posted here before, so excuse me if I’m ignorant, but, it is true, we do often let our anger for our ex get in the way sometimes of "right and wrong" for our children.  But, if your ex does not provide a safe & healthy environment for your child, hands down, we should always intercede, of course!  What I question is when the other parent is an excellent, flawless, parent, and the ex consistently harrasses, bickers, & argues over little petty things like "it’s your fault she has a cavity." that are so obviously stupid & silly!  I  wonder if it’s because I don’t react and retaliate, or put an end to it, is probably why it continues.  It just galls me that someone can still be so angry after so many years, and allows it to affect our child emotionally, the very thing he is trying so hard to preserve.   Anyway…I’m rambling!  You just struck a chord with me. T.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Bildo – you are such an inspiration to me!  You give me hope that my ex will turn around and be a good father to our son.  You also make me stop and think about things I do and whether those things are really what’s best for our son or just some part of me that wants my ex to drop off the planet.  Sometimes "the right thing" sure is hard to see. Hope, what a wonderful thing Zimm Susan. I have an exelent repore with my oldest daughter’s mother. It took about 14 years to get there, but the results now benefit OUR daughter. My divorce was one of the original "divorce from hell" scenes. I spend 18 months in jail for being stupid and ended up with visitation of my daughter set at 1 hour per month at her mother’s convienience. Guess how far that went. The past must be forgiven and the future of your child must become the new bond between you and your ex in order for it to work. Nothing else will make it work better. My ex truely believed that I would harm her and my daughter and raised her to believe the same. They both now know that they were never in danger by me, ever. The whole truth has come out and we all three now talk openly and honestly about any subject. My ex and I have reconcieled our differences knowing we will always live seperate lives. I wish her much love and success. My daughter has had a hard time adjusting to this 180degree turn in her parents, but is doing very well with the fact that both of us are there for her. Do not ever let your ex make you give up on the relationship with your child. Look at it as seperate relationships as it really is. Your child will always be your child, and always be your ex’s child. Try to let the past go and the future begin. Bildo

Response:

Ok, here is my current delema:  Last spring my ex got sentenced to 1 year in jail with manditory inhouse rehab.  So he spent one month in jail and then went to the rehab.  He was there 4-5 months and was able to get weekend passes.  He did see our son on a couple of those weekends (the others he was "too busy"). Well, since he gets along with people sooooo well, naturally he got kicked out of the rehab.  He didn’t complete his program there, nor did he compete the one year deal.  He didn’t go turn himself in to the court after he got kicked out. The courts still consider him an inmate of their facility (I called and asked). I am unwilling to let Alex go with him for a visit as I consider him a fugitive.  His family wants nothing to do with him so I cant send Alex over there so Tom can see him.  I am unwilling to "meet" him anywhere for a short visit (restraining orders and all). I do want Alex to spend time with his Dad.  I just don’t want him spending time with the fugitive from the law.  I have encouraged Tom to turn himself in and get it overwith so he can get on with his life and start seeing Alex.  Well, he never listened to me before so he sure isn’t now.  He is just going to wait around until they pick him up. Anyway, I sometimes feel there is a thin line here.  Am I doing the "right thing"? Zimm (p.s.  He is working and SAID he will send some child support my way – well, one can hope!) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Thanks Zimm. I hope someday your ex realizes that his son is important and desides to work with you on giving your son what he needs, both parents. You can’t force him to, but you can try to make it easier for him to spend time with him. Visitation terms in a divorce degree is only a guideline set by someone that doesn’t know what your son really needs. Giving your son every chance to love both of you equally, without the pushing and pulling, will do all three a greater service. Bildo Bildo – you are such an inspiration to me!  You give me hope that my ex will turn around and be a good father to our son.  You also make me stop and think about things I do and whether those things are really what’s best for our son or just some part of me that wants my ex to drop off the planet.  Sometimes "the right thing" sure is hard to see. Hope, what a wonderful thing Zimm Susan. I have an exelent repore with my oldest daughter’s mother. It took about 14 years to get there, but the results now benefit OUR daughter. My divorce was one of the original "divorce from hell" scenes. I spend 18 months in jail for being stupid and ended up with visitation of my daughter set at 1 hour per month at her mother’s convienience. Guess how far that went. The past must be forgiven and the future of your child must become the new bond between you and your ex in order for it to work. Nothing else will make it work better. My ex truely believed that I would harm her and my daughter and raised her to believe the same. They both now know that they were never in danger by me, ever. The whole truth has come out and we all three now talk openly and honestly about any subject. My ex and I have reconcieled our differences knowing we will always live seperate lives. I wish her much love and success. My daughter has had a hard time adjusting to this 180degree turn in her parents, but is doing very well with the fact that both of us are there for her. Do not ever let your ex make you give up on the relationship with your child. Look at it as seperate relationships as it really is. Your child will always be your child, and always be your ex’s child. Try to let the past go and the future begin. Bildo

Response:

I was reading Sapphire’s post about being friends with her ex.  It makes me jealous, if I could just get my ex to talk to me.  We have been divorced for 4 years and instead of getting better it seems to be getting worse.

I’ve been where you are with my first X.  Every year, he actually seems to get worse, not better.  Now, with my second (and last mind you!) divorce, I’m in a reverse type situation.  We were still living together after the divorce was final while I house hunted.  I in my room, he in his.  We had discussed and written our own "divorce vows".  From everything to custody, visitation, distribution of property et al. we got along.  Some stressful days, but we had agreed to remain "sane" for the kids’ sakes.  We had both seen what it is to act like morons after divorce, and swore we wouldn’t follow that path. Guess what?  He’s acting like a*s*ole number one.  Why?  Because I have a male friend.  Yes, a "friend".  Now, he calls over the most inane things, and virtually every time he speaks to me, he goes off on a tangent bitching about how "he" (refering to my friend) is the only one getting any ass.  Can you believe this????  He’s whining and threatening me because he can’t get a date!  Last night was the topper, he called again….drunk….telling me I "will not have that man" in my house when his son is present. Sheesh, why do people act like such idiots?  Have they no self esteem or pride?  Now he’s on a kick telling everyone that I met this person long ago…before we were divorced.  Well, it isn’t true and that can’t hurt me, but it does irritate me.  Especially since he’s being the ultimate in gutter trash and dissing me to the kids. *sigh* Is there ever a decent way to get through this???? Thanks for letting me butt in and ramble…. Before you buy.

Response:

Zimm. I caught myself saying the same thing you’ve probably said dozens of times, "What does this guy think he’s doing?" He’s chancing loosing so much more by his actions. I can understand why he doesn’t want to go back, I don’t ever want to go back and I had it very easy. You have to draw the line when the safety of your son is at stake. Hard as it seems, I think his father needs to get his legal problem resolved and then work on seeing his son. Supervised visits with his father is the only option you have until the legal is done. How about a close friend that will give up a few hours to take him to see his dad? Until your ex decides to work with you, you have a rough way to go. Keep letting your son know that you love him and sneak in a few extra hugs now and then. If in your actions you do the best you can for your son, then you are a good mother. Maybe one that’s faced with a hard life, but a good one. Bildo

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Ok, here is my current delema:  Last spring my ex got sentenced to 1 year in jail with manditory inhouse rehab.  So he spent one month in jail and then went to the rehab.  He was there 4-5 months and was able to get weekend passes. He did see our son on a couple of those weekends (the others he was "too busy"). Well, since he gets along with people sooooo well, naturally he got kicked out of the rehab.  He didn’t complete his program there, nor did he compete the one year deal.  He didn’t go turn himself in to the court after he got kicked out. The courts still consider him an inmate of their facility (I called and asked). I am unwilling to let Alex go with him for a visit as I consider him a fugitive.  His family wants nothing to do with him so I cant send Alex over there so Tom can see him.  I am unwilling to "meet" him anywhere for a short visit (restraining orders and all). I do want Alex to spend time with his Dad.  I just don’t want him spending time with the fugitive from the law.  I have encouraged Tom to turn himself in and get it overwith so he can get on with his life and start seeing Alex. Well, he never listened to me before so he sure isn’t now.  He is just going to wait around until they pick him up. Anyway, I sometimes feel there is a thin line here.  Am I doing the "right thing"? Zimm (p.s.  He is working and SAID he will send some child support my way – well, one can hope!) Thanks Zimm. I hope someday your ex realizes that his son is important and desides to work with you on giving your son what he needs, both parents. You can’t force him to, but you can try to make it easier for him to spend time with him. Visitation terms in a divorce degree is only a guideline set by someone that doesn’t know what your son really needs. Giving your son every chance to love both of you equally, without the pushing and pulling, will do all three a greater service. Bildo Bildo – you are such an inspiration to me!  You give me hope that my ex will turn around and be a good father to our son.  You also make me stop and think about things I do and whether those things are really what’s best for our son or just some part of me that wants my ex to drop off the planet. Sometimes "the right thing" sure is hard to see. Hope, what a wonderful thing Zimm Susan. I have an exelent repore with my oldest daughter’s mother. It took about 14 years to get there, but the results now benefit OUR daughter. My divorce was one of the original "divorce from hell" scenes. I spend 18 months in jail for being stupid and ended up with visitation of my daughter set at 1 hour per month at her mother’s convienience. Guess how far that went. The past must be forgiven and the future of your child must become the new bond between you and your ex in order for it to work. Nothing else will make it work better. My ex truely believed that I would harm her and my daughter and raised her to believe the same. They both now know that they were never in danger by me, ever. The whole truth has come out and we all three now talk openly and honestly about any subject. My ex and I have reconcieled our differences knowing we will always live seperate lives. I wish her much love and success. My daughter has had a hard time adjusting to this 180degree turn in her parents, but is doing very well with the fact that both of us are there for her. Do not ever let your ex make you give up on the relationship with your child. Look at it as seperate relationships as it really is. Your child will always be your child, and always be your ex’s child. Try to let the past go and the future begin. Bildo

Response:

I dont presume to know the how’s and why’s of your brake up and divorce , but i know ,Being this type of person , that sometime’s when a person is hurt real bad inside the pain turns to hate  and resentment , whether it is grounded or not . It’s not pretty but there it is.  You are going to have to face him in court to get back what was lost .I wish you all the luck , and patience your going to need to see this through for the children.              Patrick – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I was reading Sapphire’s post about being friends with her ex.  It makes me jealous, if I could just get my ex to talk to me.  We have been divorced for 4 years and instead of getting better it seems to be getting worse. My situation is that we have joint custody of our two sons and my ex is the domiciliary parent.  I have visitation every other weekend, holidays and the summer.  That arrangement was made after I moved to a place that made it no longer feasible to have them 50% of the time.  (I move away because of my job) Now I am living only 10 miles away and have requested we resume our old arrangement, but my ex has denied my request.  Actually he has taken it to the other extreme, when my older son called me and asked me to take him out for dinner one night during the week.  I called my ex and he never called me back.  Instead my son called me and told me his stepmother "had a talk" with him.  I immediately called my attorney to have her request the dinner date in writing through his attorney.  Well to say the least I was not allowed to take my son to dinner.  Incidently, they did not have other plans that evening. Then I asked my ex if I could pick up my son on Monday nights and take him to his cub scout meeting, I was told no and also told that he did not have to give me a reason.  Well some neighbor brought my son to cub scouts…. All this has happened since I moved closer and I’m sure that he is angry that I have moved into his territory. When I requested additional visitation, through our attorneys, his attorney responded with a negative response and made accusations that I did not provide a stable environment because I moved.  He even told her that I was moving without my current husband and I had this revolving door of men….My husband did move with me and I don’t have any revolving door of men.   And my ex also threatened me with sole custody and reducing my visitation.  In this state he would not win on either, but it is the very fact that he is using intimidating and manipulation, just aggravates me to no end. I know that my ex still has some unresolved anger regarding our relationship, but gosh he remarried immediately after the divorce and has been married to this person for 3 years now…  My attorney thinks that his present wife is part of the reason why he is acting like this, I know him real well and he truly is a vindictive individual, so I don’t really agree. He is using my children as emotional hostages and I know it is not healthy for them.  But I am being patient and I know that there will come a day when everything he has done will come back to him. We are attempting mediation, (I pushed it not him) but I really don’t have a lot of hope that he will cooperate on this issue.  I read somewhere that sometimes mediation can force  the parties to start a dialogue and can help to develop cooperation between the two parties.  Of course, that would be the ideal outcome, increase visitation and cooperation… You know I agreed to the Joint Custody with him being the dom parent to avoid a lengthy custody trial…but it has resulted in 4 long years of fighting in and out of court. My counselor asked me if I believe in what is right and fair or do I believe in the one who has the power wins.  I have always looked for the righteous and fair, now I have to look at who has the power.   I have resolved myself to the fact that the only way to get some cooperation from my ex is for him to lose his power in court…. I applaud Sapphire’s and anyone else who has a workable situation with their ex…..and I am so envious. Thanks for listening (reading) Susan "the truth will set you free"

Response:

Thanks Zimm. I hope someday your ex realizes that his son is important and desides to work with you on giving your son what he needs, both parents. You can’t force him to, but you can try to make it easier for him to spend time with him. Visitation terms in a divorce degree is only a guideline set by someone that doesn’t know what your son really needs. Giving your son every chance to love both of you equally, without the pushing and pulling, will do all three a greater service. Bildo

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Bildo – you are such an inspiration to me!  You give me hope that my ex will turn around and be a good father to our son.  You also make me stop and think about things I do and whether those things are really what’s best for our son or just some part of me that wants my ex to drop off the planet.  Sometimes "the right thing" sure is hard to see. Hope, what a wonderful thing Zimm Susan. I have an exelent repore with my oldest daughter’s mother. It took about 14 years to get there, but the results now benefit OUR daughter. My divorce was one of the original "divorce from hell" scenes. I spend 18 months in jail for being stupid and ended up with visitation of my daughter set at 1 hour per month at her mother’s convienience. Guess how far that went. The past must be forgiven and the future of your child must become the new bond between you and your ex in order for it to work. Nothing else will make it work better. My ex truely believed that I would harm her and my daughter and raised her to believe the same. They both now know that they were never in danger by me, ever. The whole truth has come out and we all three now talk openly and honestly about any subject. My ex and I have reconcieled our differences knowing we will always live seperate lives. I wish her much love and success. My daughter has had a hard time adjusting to this 180degree turn in her parents, but is doing very well with the fact that both of us are there for her. Do not ever let your ex make you give up on the relationship with your child. Look at it as seperate relationships as it really is. Your child will always be your child, and always be your ex’s child. Try to let the past go and the future begin. Bildo

Response:

Bildo – you are such an inspiration to me!  You give me hope that my ex will turn around and be a good father to our son.  You also make me stop and think about things I do and whether those things are really what’s best for our son or just some part of me that wants my ex to drop off the planet.  Sometimes "the right thing" sure is hard to see. Hope, what a wonderful thing Zimm – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Susan. I have an exelent repore with my oldest daughter’s mother. It took about 14 years to get there, but the results now benefit OUR daughter. My divorce was one of the original "divorce from hell" scenes. I spend 18 months in jail for being stupid and ended up with visitation of my daughter set at 1 hour per month at her mother’s convienience. Guess how far that went. The past must be forgiven and the future of your child must become the new bond between you and your ex in order for it to work. Nothing else will make it work better. My ex truely believed that I would harm her and my daughter and raised her to believe the same. They both now know that they were never in danger by me, ever. The whole truth has come out and we all three now talk openly and honestly about any subject. My ex and I have reconcieled our differences knowing we will always live seperate lives. I wish her much love and success. My daughter has had a hard time adjusting to this 180degree turn in her parents, but is doing very well with the fact that both of us are there for her. Do not ever let your ex make you give up on the relationship with your child. Look at it as seperate relationships as it really is. Your child will always be your child, and always be your ex’s child. Try to let the past go and the future begin. Bildo

Response:

Susan. I have an exelent repore with my oldest daughter’s mother. It took about 14 years to get there, but the results now benefit OUR daughter. My divorce was one of the original "divorce from hell" scenes. I spend 18 months in jail for being stupid and ended up with visitation of my daughter set at 1 hour per month at her mother’s convienience. Guess how far that went. The past must be forgiven and the future of your child must become the new bond between you and your ex in order for it to work. Nothing else will make it work better. My ex truely believed that I would harm her and my daughter and raised her to believe the same. They both now know that they were never in danger by me, ever. The whole truth has come out and we all three now talk openly and honestly about any subject. My ex and I have reconcieled our differences knowing we will always live seperate lives. I wish her much love and success. My daughter has had a hard time adjusting to this 180degree turn in her parents, but is doing very well with the fact that both of us are there for her. Do not ever let your ex make you give up on the relationship with your child. Look at it as seperate relationships as it really is. Your child will always be your child, and always be your ex’s child. Try to let the past go and the future begin. Bildo

Response:

Good point, that is something I can work on fixing.  The children are Our Children.  And they are the product of two people who loved each other at one time.  Thanks for your candor Susan

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I don’t want to sound harsh and I am certainly no expert, and I don’t even know your situation. I just wanted to let you know that when I stopped blaming my ex, as well as myself I was able to see his side of situations. In my most humble opinion the first thing that you need to do is stop saying "my kids" and start saying "our kids". I have learned that you can not change any-one else certainly not your ex or you would still be married. But, you can change yourself. Just remember that your children are the most important thing. It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. I believe that children know the truth, and they can tell who is looking out for them. I wish all of you the best of luck, I know how hard it is. Sapphire

Response:

I was reading Sapphire’s post about being friends with her ex.  It makes me jealous, if I could just get my ex to talk to me.  We have been divorced for 4 years and instead of getting better it seems to be getting worse. My situation is that we have joint custody of our two sons and my ex is the domiciliary parent.  I have visitation every other weekend, holidays and the summer.  That arrangement was made after I moved to a place that made it no longer feasible to have them 50% of the time.  (I move away because of my job) Now I am living only 10 miles away and have requested we resume our old arrangement, but my ex has denied my request.  Actually he has taken it to the other extreme, when my older son called me and asked me to take him out for dinner one night during the week.  I called my ex and he never called me back.  Instead my son called me and told me his stepmother "had a talk" with him.  I immediately called my attorney to have her request the dinner date in writing through his attorney.  Well to say the least I was not allowed to take my son to dinner.  Incidently, they did not have other plans that evening. Then I asked my ex if I could pick up my son on Monday nights and take him to his cub scout meeting, I was told no and also told that he did not have to give me a reason.  Well some neighbor brought my son to cub scouts…. All this has happened since I moved closer and I’m sure that he is angry that I have moved into his territory. When I requested additional visitation, through our attorneys, his attorney responded with a negative response and made accusations that I did not provide a stable environment because I moved.  He even told her that I was moving without my current husband and I had this revolving door of men….My husband did move with me and I don’t have any revolving door of men.   And my ex also threatened me with sole custody and reducing my visitation.  In this state he would not win on either, but it is the very fact that he is using intimidating and manipulation, just aggravates me to no end. I know that my ex still has some unresolved anger regarding our relationship, but gosh he remarried immediately after the divorce and has been married to this person for 3 years now…  My attorney thinks that his present wife is part of the reason why he is acting like this, I know him real well and he truly is a vindictive individual, so I don’t really agree. He is using my children as emotional hostages and I know it is not healthy for them.  But I am being patient and I know that there will come a day when everything he has done will come back to him. We are attempting mediation, (I pushed it not him) but I really don’t have a lot of hope that he will cooperate on this issue.  I read somewhere that sometimes mediation can force  the parties to start a dialogue and can help to develop cooperation between the two parties.  Of course, that would be the ideal outcome, increase visitation and cooperation… You know I agreed to the Joint Custody with him being the dom parent to avoid a lengthy custody trial…but it has resulted in 4 long years of fighting in and out of court. My counselor asked me if I believe in what is right and fair or do I believe in the one who has the power wins.  I have always looked for the righteous and fair, now I have to look at who has the power.   I have resolved myself to the fact that the only way to get some cooperation from my ex is for him to lose his power in court…. I applaud Sapphire’s and anyone else who has a workable situation with their ex…..and I am so envious. Thanks for listening (reading) Susan "the truth will set you free"

Response:

I don’t want to sound harsh and I am certainly no expert, and I don’t even know your situation. I just wanted to let you know that when I stopped blaming my ex, as well as myself I was able to see his side of situations. In my most humble opinion the first thing that you need to do is stop saying "my kids" and start saying "our kids". I have learned that you can not change any-one else certainly not your ex or you would still be married. But, you can change yourself. Just remember that your children are the most important thing. It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. I believe that children know the truth, and they can tell who is looking out for them. I wish all of you the best of luck, I know how hard it is. Sapphire

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