Act Acting » Acting School » Back online – and Update

Back online – and Update

Question:

In a previous article, "Connie" <connieRod…@worldnet.att.net> said: <I think it is stemming from what happened in the past, and, I guess, my <expectation that it is all going to happen again. <SD isn’t perfect, and I know I can’t expect her to be perfect.  But when she <strays from perfection (can’t think of a better word), I get irritated <easily, more-so with her than with SD13. Some of the things you mention you can control, if you bite your tongue really hard.  Your reaction to your SD was learned, you can unlearn it. What would happen if you trained yourself to couple the criticism with a compliment?  You said that she’s doing much better in school; what about "Pick up your dish, and what a great job you did in math this quarter!"  Even if you don’t *say* it at first.  Count to ten so you’re not snapping at her (and MAN, do I understand this impulse!), think of the compliment and *then* say "Pick up your dish".  Practice when she’s not around.  "You did really well on that English exam. Your PE teacher said that you run faster than anyone.  Yesterday I didn’t have to ask you once to hang up your coat."  *ANYTHING* that’s good.   Pretty soon, the compliments will start coming on their own. It’s a matter of habituation; you know what you need and want to do intellectually, it’s just a matter of getting into the zone! Vicki — Family and Divorce Mediation Resources http://xcski.com/~mediator/

Response:

>Talk about it with the person you have the issue with, or some 3rd party?  

AnneR. >I can see advantages to both.

In general so can I, but I personally don’t think a kid this age is ready to handle too much of this emotionally.  So I’d figure out as much as I could about what it was that was putting my knickers in a knot with a third party. Then I could present it to DH and SD and something I’d figured out about myself, some button I have.   Is this making sense?  There are two issues.  It’s easier for me to get to the issue with the other person if I first figure out what’s causing me to react inappropriately to that issue. jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Thanks for the suggestion, >Connie

Response:

On 14 Apr 2002 16:08:15 GMT, janelaw2…@aol.com (jane) wrote: <snipped> >Is this making sense?  There are two issues.  It’s easier for me to get to the >issue with the other person if I first figure out what’s causing me to react >inappropriately to that issue.

Makes sense to me.  Say, for instance, that rudeness is a hot topic for you.  (Lately, that’s a *real* hot topic for me.)  With the hot topic pinpointed, you can then look into *why* it irritates you so much.  The looking into why isn’t something the child needs to be involved with. Kitten =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= You can always tell a Texan, but you can’t tell him much.  - Chris Wall =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Courage, Real courage, is no quick fix.  It doesn’t come in a bottle or a pill, It comes from discipline.  From taking everything life hands you and being your best either because of it or in spite of it. — Ty Murray =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Response:

"jane" <janelaw2…@aol.com> wrote in message

news:20020414120815.09495.00003372@mb-cs.aol.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> In general so can I, but I personally don’t think a kid this age is ready to > handle too much of this emotionally.  So I’d figure out as much as I could > about what it was that was putting my knickers in a knot with a third party. > Then I could present it to DH and SD and something I’d figured out about > myself, some button I have. > Is this making sense?  There are two issues.  It’s easier for me to get to the > issue with the other person if I first figure out what’s causing me to react > inappropriately to that issue. > jane

Yes, it does, thanks. I’ll have to think about this for a while… — Connie Please click below to sponsor me in a walk to raise money for Multiple Sclerosis https://www.nationalmssociety.org/pledge/pledge.asp?participantid=35827 Remove "fake" from e-mail address to reply

Response:

In article <NYpu8.24673$Rw2.1963…@bgtnsc05-news.ops.worldnet.att.net>, – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -"Connie" <connieRodf…@att.net> wrote: > "jane" <janelaw2…@aol.com> wrote in message > news:20020414120815.09495.00003372@mb-cs.aol.com… > >It’s easier for me to get to the > > issue with the other person if I first figure out what’s causing me to react > > inappropriately to that issue. > > jane > Yes, it does, thanks. > I’ll have to think about this for a while… > — Connie

Hi Connie, I think it was Jennifer who said it might be that you fear getting emotionally burned once more by SD. That rang true with me. Last fall, I found myself being very snippy with SD17 after we caught her in several lies about making late-night phone calls. I felt like I was always on my guard, watching for her to try to trick us again. Finally, someone in this group said something that made me change my attitude. It was something along the lines of, "so what if she makes late-night phone calls? She’s the one who’s losing the sleep." And even though I didn’t like the fact that SD could and would do this, I realized, hey, this doesn’t make her a terrible person. She’s not doing drugs. She’s not sneaking cigarettes. She’s not stealing money. Overall, she’s a good kid who has some issues with honesty (and some other things), like most teenagers do, I suppose. My change in attitude was helpful for both me and her, I think. And it was good for DH, and probably for SS, too. I was less stressed because I chose to be less stressed, and that’s helpful for everyone. Unfortunately, SD has burned us again a few times. But she’s still not a horrible kid. We’ve been able to talk with her about these issues without feeling (or making her feel) like she was the most horrible person on earth. That in itself is helpful. I know you’re not in the exact same situation, but I hope you find this somewhat helpful. Good luck, Martha

Response:

"Connie" <connieRod…@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message news:<bv%t8.27671$> >For example, one of their responsibilities is to put their dirty dishes into > the dishwasher.  In the past, SD11 had to be reminded multiple times per > day/meal.  So now, when she gets up from the table without her dish, I > immediately call her on it.  It might be that she was planning on picking it > up, but I don’t even give her the chance. > If I walk into the room, and see that SD13 has left her plate out, I’ll say > "SD13 please put your dish away" > If I walk into the room and see that SD11 has, it usually comes out more > like "<big heavy sigh> SD11 you forgot to put your dish away"

Connie, I’m going to have to sue you for copyright infringement for posting my stories! I do the EXACT SAME THING. I think it’s simply because I get sick and tired of reminding the same person to do the same thing day after day after day after day. They’ve used up all their freebies.  You know, I’ll give someone a break every now and then, but when it’s a constant thing, I tend not to cut any slack.  Just human nature, I guess…<shrug> DW reminds me that we are here to teach, so I try to show patience and not to get disgusted.  When a child does pick up after themselves, I try to reinforce it with "Way to go" or "Good job on cleaning up", or "That’s what we like to see!". But every now and then, they do get the <big heavy sigh> "You forgot to put your dish away…AGAIN."

Response:

"jane" <janelaw2…@aol.com> wrote in message

news:20020413111103.09528.00003202@mb-cs.aol.com… > With this kind of thing it helps me to talk about it away from the source of > irritation.  The more I go over it and hash it out, the less likely I am to > just react. > jane

Talk about it with the person you have the issue with, or some 3rd party?  I can see advantages to both. Thanks for the suggestion, Connie

Response:

"WhansaMi" <whans…@aol.com> wrote in message

news:20020413104450.00696.00002968@mb-cq.aol.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >The main problem at the moment is my attitude towards SD11.  I can’t seem to > >get past what happened in the past.  My patience level with SD11 is very, > >very low.  I feel like I’m nit-picking her, calling her on every little > >thing, expecting her to do the worst, not giving her a chance to improve. > >And she is trying hard to behave, both at home and at school.  She’s had two > >great weeks at school; her teacher has been sending notes home each week. > >This is the child who was suspended 8 times in the last year. > >I’m afraid that if I continue like this, she is just going to get > >frustrated, and fall back into her old patterns.   To stop myself, I’m > >trying to not react immediately.  Walk away for minute, look at the > >situation in a calmer light.  If DH is around, I’ll run my reaction by him, > >to see if he thinks I’m over-reacting and should back off.  Some of my > >reactions have been just plain stupid, and immature. > Hi Connie, you should be very, very proud of yourself!  You are meeting the > situation head-on, and recognizing when you might be in the wrong. > Can you pinpoint, precisely, where the anger is stemming from?  In light of her > doing so well, is it anger from the past?  Fear that you will get "stepped on" > again?  Frustration that you have had to make such substantial changes again? > What do you think is continuing to drive your current feelings?

I think it is stemming from what happened in the past, and, I guess, my expectation that it is all going to happen again. SD isn’t perfect, and I know I can’t expect her to be perfect.  But when she strays from perfection (can’t think of a better word), I get irritated easily, more-so with her than with SD13. For example, one of their responsibilities is to put their dirty dishes into the dishwasher.  In the past, SD11 had to be reminded multiple times per day/meal.  So now, when she gets up from the table without her dish, I immediately call her on it.  It might be that she was planning on picking it up, but I don’t even give her the chance. If I walk into the room, and see that SD13 has left her plate out, I’ll say "SD13 please put your dish away" If I walk into the room and see that SD11 has, it usually comes out more like "<big heavy sigh> SD11 you forgot to put your dish away" This is a just a trivial example, there are other, more important issues. I’m working on this, I just hope it doesn’t take me too long. Thanks again, Connie

Response:

Connie wrote: > The main problem at the moment is my attitude towards SD11.  I can’t seem to > get past what happened in the past.  My patience level with SD11 is very, > very low.  I feel like I’m nit-picking her, calling her on every little > thing, expecting her to do the worst, not giving her a chance to improve. > And she is trying hard to behave, both at home and at school.  She’s had two > great weeks at school; her teacher has been sending notes home each week. > This is the child who was suspended 8 times in the last year. > I’m afraid that if I continue like this, she is just going to get > frustrated, and fall back into her old patterns.   To stop myself, I’m > trying to not react immediately.  Walk away for minute, look at the > situation in a calmer light.  If DH is around, I’ll run my reaction by him, > to see if he thinks I’m over-reacting and should back off.  Some of my > reactions have been just plain stupid, and immature.

Sounds like you’re just afraid of being "burned" emotionally again, and I can understand your reluctance to open up and have faith in SD’s ability to succeed this time.  But you do know it’s important to give her this nth chance to turn herself around, so all you have to do is keep doing what you’re doing. I know I had some immature reactions to SD when she used to be a troublemaker in school, when I was just doubtful that she’d ever straighten up.  For three school years (K-2), she had difficulties and I was so angry at her failure to do what seemed to us a simple thing.  We knew she was well-behaved at home, but we couldn’t figure out why it didn’t translate to good behavior at school.  I would get angry at her when she’d be home acting happy, b/c I felt she didn’t have the right to bop around w/o a concern in the world when she was annoying teachers at school. Anyway, I had to do what you’re doing now, keep having faith in SD.  SD ended up being a model student, and who knows what the switch was for her–our discipline at home?  her maturity?  different teachers?  good peer group?  We’ll never figure it out, I suppose, b/c she can barely recall herself at those ages, lol. But your SD11 is still young enough to have a very rewarding academic experience :-) Jennifer

Response:

>I’m afraid that if I continue like this, she is just going to get >frustrated, and fall back into her old patterns.   To stop myself, I’m >trying to not react immediately.  Walk away for minute, look at the >situation in a calmer light.  If DH is around, I’ll run my reaction by him, >to see if he thinks I’m over-reacting and should back off.  Some of my >reactions have been just plain stupid, and immature. >Anyway, thanks for listening (or reading), >Connie

With this kind of thing it helps me to talk about it away from the source of irritation.  The more I go over it and hash it out, the less likely I am to just react. jane

Response:

On Sat, 13 Apr 2002 14:32:57 GMT, "Connie" – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -<connieRod…@worldnet.att.net> wrote: >Hi everyone, >Don’t know if anyone remembers, but I posted an introduction a couple of >week ago.  Life got busy, and I haven’t been able to participate much since. <snipped> >The main problem at the moment is my attitude towards SD11.  I can’t seem to >get past what happened in the past.  My patience level with SD11 is very, >very low.  I feel like I’m nit-picking her, calling her on every little >thing, expecting her to do the worst, not giving her a chance to improve. >And she is trying hard to behave, both at home and at school.  She’s had two >great weeks at school; her teacher has been sending notes home each week. >This is the child who was suspended 8 times in the last year.

<snipped> Ya know, Connie, most folks have a hard time admitting to their own part of their family dynamic.  You’re way ahead of the game. You’re posting here abt how hard your SD is trying and how well she is doing.  My suggestions: 1) Keep yourself focused on how well she’s doing.  Watch for the good things. Steer your focus away from the bad. 2) Tell her how well she’s doing.  Let her know that you see it. Reward her hard work by giving her praise.  LOTS of praise. Kitten =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= You can always tell a Texan, but you can’t tell him much.  - Chris Wall =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Courage, Real courage, is no quick fix.  It doesn’t come in a bottle or a pill, It comes from discipline.  From taking everything life hands you and being your best either because of it or in spite of it. — Ty Murray =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Response:

Hi everyone, Don’t know if anyone remembers, but I posted an introduction a couple of week ago.  Life got busy, and I haven’t been able to participate much since. The SKs are here, and for the most part, things are going well.  They’ve started school, and are happy to be back with their old friends.  We had a late birthday party for SD11 last Saturday, which was fun. The main problem at the moment is my attitude towards SD11.  I can’t seem to get past what happened in the past.  My patience level with SD11 is very, very low.  I feel like I’m nit-picking her, calling her on every little thing, expecting her to do the worst, not giving her a chance to improve. And she is trying hard to behave, both at home and at school.  She’s had two great weeks at school; her teacher has been sending notes home each week. This is the child who was suspended 8 times in the last year. I’m afraid that if I continue like this, she is just going to get frustrated, and fall back into her old patterns.   To stop myself, I’m trying to not react immediately.  Walk away for minute, look at the situation in a calmer light.  If DH is around, I’ll run my reaction by him, to see if he thinks I’m over-reacting and should back off.  Some of my reactions have been just plain stupid, and immature. Anyway, thanks for listening (or reading), Connie

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Hi everyone, >Don’t know if anyone remembers, but I posted an introduction a couple of >week ago.  Life got busy, and I haven’t been able to participate much since. >The SKs are here, and for the most part, things are going well.  They’ve >started school, and are happy to be back with their old friends.  We had a >late birthday party for SD11 last Saturday, which was fun. >The main problem at the moment is my attitude towards SD11.  I can’t seem to >get past what happened in the past.  My patience level with SD11 is very, >very low.  I feel like I’m nit-picking her, calling her on every little >thing, expecting her to do the worst, not giving her a chance to improve. >And she is trying hard to behave, both at home and at school.  She’s had two >great weeks at school; her teacher has been sending notes home each week. >This is the child who was suspended 8 times in the last year. >I’m afraid that if I continue like this, she is just going to get >frustrated, and fall back into her old patterns.   To stop myself, I’m >trying to not react immediately.  Walk away for minute, look at the >situation in a calmer light.  If DH is around, I’ll run my reaction by him, >to see if he thinks I’m over-reacting and should back off.  Some of my >reactions have been just plain stupid, and immature. >Anyway, thanks for listening (or reading), >Connie

Hi Connie, you should be very, very proud of yourself!  You are meeting the situation head-on, and recognizing when you might be in the wrong.   Can you pinpoint, precisely, where the anger is stemming from?  In light of her doing so well, is it anger from the past?  Fear that you will get "stepped on" again?  Frustration that you have had to make such substantial changes again? What do you think is continuing to drive your current feelings? Sheila

Response:

Related Posts

Leave a Reply