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Better ways to comfort victims?

Question:

Greetings.    JJ here.  I have just finished my student registration.  I am now a  graduate student.

Congratulations! What’s your major? Grad school! That’s great. I should have never have left myself. I hope you enjoy your grad student experience. My advice is never leave school. [snip story of sexual harassment from a retired prof refered to her by a "friend"] There are people in the world like that. I almost think it’s some sort of college behavior. I knew other grad student who regarded their female students as their own personal harem. I was startled by how many women in my classes hit on me during the term that were no where to be seen after the term. A couple were even incredibily blatent about it. And I’ve even had one prof (female) try it on me. As a guy, I found it VERY weird. The other male grad students told me about it and I thought they were just joking, or at least that it wouldn’t happen to me. Harassment is always wrong. Don’t listen to the people here who turn it around and blame you for the harassing behavior of others. It is the behavior of the harasser, not yours. I’m afraid that on the college campus, it is very, very common. Yeah, many people here think differently. There were a couple of post like that. You know, you basically got blamed for being pretty and for having any contact at all with a man and not expecting it to be harassment. Lol! Welcome to America.

Response:

   Thanks for cheering me up.  I am in the Rehabilitation Counselor Program.  Even I have been in the states for almost 3 years, I am still expericing cultural shock. JJ Congratulations! What’s your major? Grad school! That’s great. I should have never have left myself. I hope you enjoy your grad student experience. My advice is never leave school.

Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

JJ, I think I can empathize with how scared you felt being in a new situation and feeling dependent on help from others to get oriented. If you can disregard for a moment your friend’s lack of sympathy, realize you need to very quickly build some needed urban survival skills.   Please don’t take what I’m about to say as an insult, but to many Americans, newly arrived Chinese are basically clueless about how to read a situation.  It may seem very confusing to you, but you can learn it in time if you decide to. It has been my experience that newly arrived Chinese tend to smile when they are worried or do not know what to do.  This is often misinterpreted by Americans as friendliness or flirtiness.  Practice reacting to worrisome situations with a concerned look, or even a frown. Find some friends you can trust, but be very careful outside that circle.  If you are lucky, maybe some American friends can give you some useful feedback on social behaviors. The professor was a jerk.  When you find yourself getting into such a situation, make an excuse to leave.  Then leave.  Even if it means getting out of a car at a stoplight.  You do not owe jerks the courtesy of an explanation. — Dan Daugherty Greetings.    JJ here.  I have just finished my student registration.  I am now a  graduate student.     I am using my new email address to post this message.  Honestly  speaking, I just finished crying after my friend hung up on me.  I was  very upset with the situation.  I was upset before I called her and I  became upset after she hung up on me as her comments really made me  feel worse.  I need some input on the situation.

        <snip

Response:

<snip    As I was admitted on Monday and the school begins next Wednesday, I was really in a rush for my registration.  What happened was a friend of mine referred to this retired professor WJS.  As I do not know my school environment well, I took the suggestion of this friend to contact this retired Prof. WJS for some help with my new student life and apartment-hunting. EXCUSE ME?!?!  This retired person has nothing better to do than play nursemaid to you?  Has it ever occurred to you that it might be time to stand on your own two feet?  People do it all the time.  Try it.

OK, I do not know or recall JJs posting history .. and I admit, I don’t care either.  I’m in one of those moods – not enough sun down here in Florida the past couple of days :-) When I was associated with a major university I got these kinds of calls from time to time.  Despite being a despicable man, I did what I could to help without leering, groping or otherwise coming on like a horney old goat.   If I was too busy to help or felt uncomfortable, I did not offer assistance.   Not all men are pigs.    I thought I made my status very clearly as a new student to the student to the graduate school.  I addressed to WJS "professor" as I met with him.  Since I am still in the process of my divorce lawsuit, I still wore my engagement ring to protect myself from harassment.  The ring means " LEAVE ME ALONE" to guys.  I just do not want to be bothered as I need the time to do my healing. If you do not want to be "harassed" then stop asking favors from men you do not know.

<snip I always felt it was a duty, almost an obligation, to help new students get their feet planted firmly on the ground.  In this case, JJ was admitted only a few days before registration – that can be downright scary unless the admitted candidate already knows the campus and has some friends in place already.     That said, I had my office work up a list of helpful students who could assist new admits and we put together a helpful, student-written, unoffical publication to make the transition as easy as possible.    OK, I did not my best to deal with this WJS, when he picked me up from my hotel, ROFLOL!  You have a man you don’t know pick you up at your hotel and want him to cart you around and then are shocked at a come on?!  Grow up!

Hey, I resemble that remark … Frankly, I expect the woman to make the first move or nothing is going to happen.  It is not that I am incredibly shy; the world has changed with all these retrospective recollections of "date rape" after the fact, despite active participation during the event in question.  Who needs it? Floridanewbie

Response:

JJ, I’ve tried to stay out of your posts and not respond, but I had to on this one.   JJ here.  I have just finished my student registration.  I am now a graduate student.    I am using my new email address to post this message.  Honestly speaking, I just finished crying after my friend hung up on me.

This reminds me of another situation when you were upset because a friend told you to basically stop bothering them.  You have to start acting like an adult for a change.  EVERYONE has problems and not everyone is emotionally equipped to listen to anyone’s constant whine. In fact most people aren’t. I was very upset with the situation.  I was upset before I called her and I became upset after she hung up on me as her comments really made me feel worse.  I need some input on the situation.

I suspect her comments were right on target.  Try listening for a change.    As I was admitted on Monday and the school begins next Wednesday, I was really in a rush for my registration.  What happened was a friend of mine referred to this retired professor WJS.  As I do not know my school environment well, I took the suggestion of this friend to contact this retired Prof. WJS for some help with my new student life and apartment-hunting.

EXCUSE ME?!?!  This retired person has nothing better to do than play nursemaid to you?  Has it ever occurred to you that it might be time to stand on your own two feet?  People do it all the time.  Try it.    I thought I made my status very clearly as a new student to the student to the graduate school.  I addressed to WJS "professor" as I met with him.  Since I am still in the process of my divorce lawsuit, I still wore my engagement ring to protect myself from harassment.  The ring means " LEAVE ME ALONE" to guys.  I just do not want to be bothered as I need the time to do my healing.

If you do not want to be "harassed" then stop asking favors from men you do not know.    The annoying part is this retired Prof. WJS had other idea on his mind.  I mean, how could I expect that? I approached him as a new student and I expect to be a student-professor interaction.  I must say, this WJS really disgusted me as he flirted with me and patted my lap. This old man is my father’s age and he is fat, short and OLD.  IF I am looking for a date, I could find a much better deal as I am a very attractive Chinese female.

Really?  Looks is only a part of the package.  Not many men want a whining clinging egomaniacal woman!    OK, I did not my best to deal with this WJS, when he picked me up from my hotel,

ROFLOL!  You have a man you don’t know pick you up at your hotel and want him to cart you around and then are shocked at a come on?!  Grow up! I was only expected to have a ride to international student office as I did not know the area and I was told the parking is a problem in the campus.  

Gee, never heard of a bus?  Or walking a few blocks?  I guess a free ride with a total stranger is better than either of those? I was in his car and I did not like the way he this WJS talked.  But I was in his car, so I just needed to stay calm.

A little common sense advice – Don’t ever get in the car with a strange man.    Then we had a car accident in the campus, so I ended up in his house as I did not have a transportation.  

Have you ever heard of a telephone?  You pick it up and call a taxi. Or you WALK to the nearest bus stop.   I stayed calm and serious in his living while he contacted his insurance agent.

Your point is?       I did make it back to my accommodation safe and as I called my friend M this evening for this event, I was blamed by her that it is my fault/mistake that I have been harassed or flirted by this fat old short WJS.

And she’s absolutely right! I mean, I already feel bad enough about what happened and I was blamed for this incident.

And you are to blame.    I did not invite any harassment from this retired old fat and shot WJS, I set up my boundary clearly in the beginning and I was alert with my situation.

By asking a stranger for help, having him pick you up at your hotel, and getting in the car with him you said a lot.    There should be a better way to comfort people when they are already upset, in my situation, I already feel very bad about what happened and the last thing I need is the blame or criticism from the third party.

Every time you post here it seems that it’s because someone has hurt your feelings by saying YOU should be responsible for your actions and life.  You set the situation up now take some responsibility for it. Some people tend to be very judgmental when their friends come to them for some support and comfort.  I am old enough to protect myself and this lady friend just keeping telling me what I SHOULDN"T do or SHOULD do, for me that’s very annoying…….

And your continuing whining is very annoying.  You don’t want comfort and support.  You want someone to hold your hand and tell you how wonderful you are and how bad the other guy is.

Response:

JJ, I’m sorry I’ve been your friend for awhile now, but when I got to the part where you said he was fat, old, etc….and you were so attractive I have to quit reading.  Get over yourself.  You’re going to find people in this world that are a hell of alot worse than your professor.  Grow up and get on with your life. Daisy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Greetings.   JJ here.  I have just finished my student registration.  I am now a graduate student.    I am using my new email address to post this message.  Honestly speaking, I just finished crying after my friend hung up on me.  I was very upset with the situation.  I was upset before I called her and I became upset after she hung up on me as her comments really made me feel worse.  I need some input on the situation.    As I was admitted on Monday and the school begins next Wednesday, I was really in a rush for my registration.  What happened was a friend of mine referred to this retired professor WJS.  As I do not know my school environment well, I took the suggestion of this friend to contact this retired Prof. WJS for some help with my new student life and apartment-hunting.    I thought I made my status very clearly as a new student to the student to the graduate school.  I addressed to WJS "professor" as I met with him.  Since I am still in the process of my divorce lawsuit, I still wore my engagement ring to protect myself from harassment.  The ring means " LEAVE ME ALONE" to guys.  I just do not want to be bothered as I need the time to do my healing.    The annoying part is this retired Prof. WJS had other idea on his mind.  I mean, how could I expect that? I approached him as a new student and I expect to be a student-professor interaction.  I must say, this WJS really disgusted me as he flirted with me and patted my lap. This old man is my father’s age and he is fat, short and OLD.  IF I am looking for a date, I could find a much better deal as I am a very attractive Chinese female.    OK, I did not my best to deal with this WJS, when he picked me up from my hotel, I was only expected to have a ride to international student office as I did not know the area and I was told the parking is a problem in the campus.  I was in his car and I did not like the way he this WJS talked.  But I was in his car, so I just needed to stay calm.    Then we had a car accident in the campus, so I ended up in his house as I did not have a transportation.  I stayed calm and serious in his living while he contacted his insurance agent.     I did make it back to my accommodation safe and as I called my friend M this evening for this event, I was blamed by her that it is my fault/mistake that I have been harassed or flirted by this fat old short WJS.  I mean, I already feel bad enough about what happened and I was blamed for this incident.    I did not invite any harassment from this retired old fat and shot WJS, I set up my boundary clearly in the beginning and I was alert with my situation.    There should be a better way to comfort people when they are already upset, in my situation, I already feel very bad about what happened and the last thing I need is the blame or criticism from the third party. Some people tend to be very judgmental when their friends come to them for some support and comfort.  I am old enough to protect myself and this lady friend just keeping telling me what I SHOULDN"T do or SHOULD do, for me that’s very annoying…….    JJ — My ICQ # is 18679193 Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

Greetings.    JJ here.  I have just finished my student registration.  I am now a  graduate student.     I am using my new email address to post this message.  Honestly  speaking, I just finished crying after my friend hung up on me.  I was  very upset with the situation.  I was upset before I called her and I  became upset after she hung up on me as her comments really made me  feel worse.  I need some input on the situation.     As I was admitted on Monday and the school begins next Wednesday, I  was really in a rush for my registration.  What happened was a friend  of mine referred to this retired professor WJS.  As I do not know my  school environment well, I took the suggestion of this friend to  contact this retired Prof. WJS for some help with my new student life  and apartment-hunting.     I thought I made my status very clearly as a new student to the  student to the graduate school.  I addressed to WJS "professor" as I  met with him.  Since I am still in the process of my divorce lawsuit, I  still wore my engagement ring to protect myself from harassment.  The  ring means " LEAVE ME ALONE" to guys.  I just do not want to be  bothered as I need the time to do my healing.     The annoying part is this retired Prof. WJS had other idea on his  mind.  I mean, how could I expect that? I approached him as a new  student and I expect to be a student-professor interaction.  I must  say, this WJS really disgusted me as he flirted with me and patted my  lap. This old man is my father’s age and he is fat, short and OLD.  IF  I am looking for a date, I could find a much better deal as I am a very  attractive Chinese female.     OK, I did not my best to deal with this WJS, when he picked me up  from my hotel, I was only expected to have a ride to international  student office as I did not know the area and I was told the parking is  a problem in the campus.  I was in his car and I did not like the way  he this WJS talked.  But I was in his car, so I just needed to stay  calm.     Then we had a car accident in the campus, so I ended up in his house  as I did not have a transportation.  I stayed calm and serious in his  living while he contacted his insurance agent.      I did make it back to my accommodation safe and as I called my  friend M this evening for this event, I was blamed by her that it is my  fault/mistake that I have been harassed or flirted by this fat old  short WJS.  I mean, I already feel bad enough about what happened and I  was blamed for this incident.     I did not invite any harassment from this retired old fat and shot  WJS, I set up my boundary clearly in the beginning and I was alert with  my situation.     There should be a better way to comfort people when they are already  upset, in my situation, I already feel very bad about what happened and  the last thing I need is the blame or criticism from the third party.  Some people tend to be very judgmental when their friends come to them  for some support and comfort.  I am old enough to protect myself and  this lady friend just keeping telling me what I SHOULDN"T do or SHOULD  do, for me that’s very annoying…….     JJ — My ICQ # is 18679193 Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

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