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BIG VENTING-could use a response or two

Question:

ASED- Hi, I just going to spoiler this for lots of anger!!! I know that this is going to be long, but I could really use some responses, thanks :) OK, the good news is that I am furious and haven’t binged. That bad news is that I’m sooo pissed off right now I"m ready to kill someone. My sister called last week and asked if I wanted to go down the shore with her today. I said No. –now, just so you all know, my sister is 2 years older and when I was at school she lived about 10 mins away, now she lives 2hours away. We have never been really close. If either of us came home from a date in high school we wouldn’t tell the other, but call a friend. We did see each other while I was at school, usually for a really brief time. This past year was so hard on me, and whenever I reached out for her, she wasn’t there for me. I would call her time and time again to ask her if she would hang out, either see a movie or go to a bar, and she always had some excuse. I had lost so many of my friends and just needed to be around someone. Anyway I am still pretty upset with the way she acted at my graduation. I don’t want to get into it, but lets just say that she is still too immature, at age 23, to let me have a day all to myself.– Ok, having that said, I didn’t want to go the beach at all let alone with her. Then she suggested Great Adventure, which sounded appealling for about 10 seconds, until I realized who I would be going with. We have had these ‘good intentions’ before to hang out, (usually from the pursuasion of my mother) and end up wanting to kill each other within 5 minutes. Also I skeptical of this new desire she has to hang out with me, and I’m pretty sure its only b/c my mom asked her to.  So I said No to GA also. I am pretty sure that my mom asked her to call me and get me out of the house and she also probably told her about my ED. But she wouldn’t take no for an answer, so next suggested a movie. Its alot easier to make up an excuse for not wanting to go to the beach or GA so I told her I would call her this morning and tell her, but by all means to go ahead and make other plans for her day off. See I have been so depressed and just want to be alone. I’m fine when I’m alone. When I’m around others, I feel like I have to put on this act, like everything is ok. Which never works anyway, and I end up acting like a total bitch then hating myself for it afterwords. For example, when my aunts call or friends from school they try and make small talk and it just doesn’t work. I don’t DO anything! I sit around the house and feel sorry for myself is that what they want to hear?? No, I haven’t gone out..haven’t seen anyone from school..don’t have a job…don’t care to get one. I can’t possibly tell them, "Well gee-since you asked, today I stressed over what lunch would be,,but got over that and decided on a nice big cucumber..after that I jogged for an hour and the whole time thought about what a hellish life I’ve lead for the past 7 years!!" Can’t really do that. So that is why I don’t want to be around others. Anyway so I called her this morning to tell her not to come, but got the machine. I was satisfied with that, and went out to look for this treatment center where I have an interview tomarrow. I was really in a good mood about it, singing along to the radio and everything. When I get home there is a message on the machine from sis, calling from her cell phone saying that she should be home in about 15 mins, "See you then!" I was SOOO mad. I hadn’t eaten lunch yet, and still have a really hard time eating in front of others, esp. if my mom just told her about my ed. Before I could even decide what to do she was coming up the drive way. So she asked if I wanted to go to the movies, NO. The store? NO. Watch Days? NO!! I went to sleep. I wake up and just when I’m about to go downstairs I hear a guys voice. Unusal since its only me and my mom at home. I wait and listen some more, realize its this guy Eric who we used to be friends with in HS. I go back to my room to fume some more. I didn’t want to go downstairs and have to explain why I’m just getting up at 4pm, why I don’t have a job, and what I’m not doing. I haven’t seen him in over 4 years, and didn’t really want this to be the time for a reunion. So now, not only do I have to avoid my sister, but this other guy as well!! What made me so pissed was that I was so hungry and just wanted to sit down by myself and eat dinner. I also don’t like being hungry and mad at the same time. So I stayed in my room for over an hour until they all left. I barely had time to make some soup and eat it, when she came home–not alone. UGH so I ran back upstairs. She came upstairs and was like I"m home. Yes, I see that. She says: Eric’s  here! I say: I don’t really feel like seeing him. So she goes downstairs, for another hour!! I felt so trapped. Ok, so that is what happened. I need all the support and advice I can get..and I don’t care if its not what I want to hear..but go gentle. I’m mad at her, for coming home and bringing him here. I’m mad that I didn’t get to spend the day like I wanted it. I’m mad that I can’t talk to anyone about this. I’m mad that I have to be like this. I’m mad that I can’t eat a meal in front of someone and it ruins my whole day. I’m mad at my sister for being able to eat whatever she wants. I’m scared that I will never have a normal relationship with her. I am mad at myself for not being grateful that she does want to spent time with me. But I am so mad at her for not being there for me when I really needed her, and thinking she can make up for it now. Ok, well if anyone is still reading this, bless your heart!! I could really use some support right now. I’m just so angry!!! Thanks, love nina

Response:

Nicole- Hi thanks for the response. I feel better today. Did you ask your mom not to tell your sister about your ed?  Do you think it might be all that bad if she knew?  

I didn’t think I had to tell my mom not to say anything to anyone. I don’t think it would be the worst thing in the world, for my sister to know, but I would have liked to be the one to decide. Maybe she has friend who is going through something similar and she might surprise you by being able to relate to what you are going through.

See, after I kept saying no to her, she just got on the computer and then did her laundary. She didn’t come in my room and say, hey are you ok? Whats up? Nothing. That was her best effort. If she ever does inquire about my feelings it’s usually, What’s wrong with you? One day when all of my relatives were over,  I snapped and said exactly what you wrote

I would have liked to see their faces :) But,  don’t you need her now?  It sounds like you do,  otherwise you would not get so upset at her trying to ‘make up for it’.  

See as soon as I started looking into getting treatment, I thought  of my closest friends that I would tell. There are just a couple, but you know what? If didnt’even cross my mind to tell my sister. Its not just that she wasn’t there for me at school, I don’t like being around her anymore. She can’t ever be happy for me, only gets jealous. I am sick of the looks I get from her. She is the nicest person to just about everyone else in the world, except me. I highly doubt that she would understand. Even if she did know someone with an ED, she wouldn’t. Have you ever tried to explain to someone Without an ed, about the depression and self hatred? I can’t expect someone who has never been through it to understand. Today I go to Somerset, but I went to Renfrew last week. After I hear what this place says I’ll make a decision between the two, hopefully by today. Thanks so much Nicole!! I’ll let you know what happens. Love Nina

Response:

Hi Sweetie, I’m sorry for your bad day.  I understand that relationships are tough right now for you.  I wanted to isolate too and I liked my days planned and hated it when people screwed up my plans.  Just know that most (not all) of what you felt is a direct cause of the anorexia/bulima.  It makes enemies out of family and friends out of a diease.  Go figger’.   Once your counceling beginnings and you start a treatment program you will be given the skills, hopefull, to detect and react to these situations. I think you handled yourself very well.  I would have hurt someone for less … or myself.  But you were strong and hung in there.  Remember that you don’t have to go places with anyone you don’t want to and you don’t have to feel guilty about it either.  Take care of your needs for now.  If no is what you want … then they should respect you for it.  If they don’t it is not your problem it is theirs.  Don’t pick up there problems.   It sounds like they had good intentions, but screwed it up royally.  I had many people do the same to and for me.  And if you think mom told sister about the ED … ask mom and let her know if she feels the need to tell anyone you would appreciate your permission to tell someone.  Remember your mother is probably going through a lot of blaming herself right now and may need to talk to someone else.  I pray she goes to a specialist … if not she needs to respect your privacy and speak to you first.  But it is your responsible to let her know out right what your expecation are. You can take real control of your life.  The ED is a false control.  I promise you that I’m right in this thinking. I love you Nina and praying that God will get you into treatment very soon. deborah "Friends are those who nourish the spirit."

Response:

Nina, I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you have been going through the wringer lately.  I hope things work out for ya, and I am here to lend an ear whenever you need one.  Love ya, Kerri I’m nobody! Who are you? are you– Nobody– too? Then there’s a pair of us! Don’t tell! they’d banish us–you know! How dreary–to be–somebody! How public-like a Frog— To tell your name–the livelong June— To an admiring Bog! ~~E. Dickinson

Response:

Dear Nina,      Hi!  It sounds like you had a really rough day. We have had these ‘good intentions’ before to hang out, (usually from the

pursuasion of my mother) and end up wanting to kill each other within 5 minutes. Even though my sister is a few years younger than me,  this is exactly how it ends up with us. Did you ask your mom not to tell your sister about your ed?  Do you think it might be all that bad if she knew?  Maybe she has friend who is going through something similar and she might surprise you by being able to relate to what you are going through. When I’m around others, I feel like I have to put on this act, like everything is ok. Which never works anyway, and I end up acting like a total bitch then hating myself for it afterwords.

I can definately relate to this.  Sometimes,  well most times,  I just want to be alone.  But my mom thinks being even a litttle isolated is a huge social crime,  so she is always trying to make me go out or have friends over.  Which is one of the reasons that I cannot wait to move back to school. I don’t DO anything! I sit around the house and feel sorry for myself is that what they want to hear?? No, I haven’t gone out..haven’t seen anyone from school..

One day when all of my relatives were over,  I snapped and said exactly what you wrote.  They all just stared at me,  like they expected to hear my usual "oh everything is perfect speech".  Their response was actually pretty amusing:) I’m mad that I have to be like this.

I get mad at myself too.  I wish I could give up my ed,  but we just have to keep fighting. I am mad at myself for not being grateful that she does want to spent time with me.

That’s probably your ed trying to keep you isolated from the people who love you. But I am so mad at her for not being there for me when I really needed her, and thinking she can make up for it now.

I understand that she may not have been there for you when you were away at school and how hurt you must have felt.  But,  don’t you need her now?  It sounds like you do,  otherwise you would not get so upset at her trying to ‘make up for it’.  Plus,  if you have the opportunity to build a relationship with her,  even if it seems like it is too late,  it’s not.  I am sure she cares about you and (especially if your mom told her about your ed) is worried about you. went out to look for this treatment center where I have an interview tomarrow.

Have you decided not to go to Renfrew?  Or is this place another option?   Well,  I hope this helped a little.  I just wanted to let you know that I can relate to what you are going through with your sister and wanting to be by yourself.  I hope everything goes well tomorrow with your interview. Hugs, Nicole:)

Response:

Hi Nina, Sorry to here that you’re in the dumps.  I think you need to treat yourself  to a night out–even if you do it alone–go to a movie or something. Take care, Love Mike & Mayumi

Response:

read it all the way through Nina…and applaud your courage in expressing your anger and talking to us about it.  That is not an easy thing to do! I don’t have any easy answers right now…just a few gently hugs if you will accept them…and as much nonjudgemental love and caring as I can manage. Thanks for being a part of ased. allen – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Newgroups: alt.support.eating-disord ASED- Hi, I just going to spoiler this for lots of anger!!! I know that this is going to be long, but I could really use some responses, thanks :)

Response:

carrie- Hey, aren’t sisters so hard to understand? Its so hard to explain my relationship with her to anyone, but esp those who don’t have sisters. I am glad to hear that you are in a support group. I should be starting one very soon. Although I am a little discouraged, b/c I talked to the place on the phone today and its more money that I thought it was going to be..We’ll see. I know I have to forgive people, not only for them, but for myself. Since I’ve been so disappointed in the past, I don’t want to even bother opening up to anyone. Its like I feel like if I don’t give them the opportnutiy to dispt me, then I wont’ be hurt. Does that make sense? Anyway thanks for the support, and as always its good  hear from you :) love nina

Response:

dearest nina i have a similair realtionship with my sis as well as myself……i am so mad at her for not bieng there for me….i just want to be lest alone alone alone….and then someone ruins it.  no, there is not anything worth mentioning to anyone ,and no, i don’t want to be reminded of this….yup i can relate more than you know….but i also know that it does not help to isolate so now am trying to reach out to this group and others even if it is online it helps.  also i am going to  a support group which is really hard but helpful, one can hold so much contempt for those who have let them down .it is so hard to forgive isn’t it….cause they could just leave you stranded again and we have both been down that road,,,my point is find someone who you can trust to talk to it really is hard but it helps love to ya carrie

Response:

Nina,    I’m going to spoiler this just in case… 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9      O.K. I was wondering if you ever talk to your sister about how she makes you feel? The only way anyone is even going to have a chance to know how to help you is if you make your feelings and needs known to them. It’s a difficult thing to do, I know because I’ve had to do the same thing with my fiance, but it may help your situation at least a little bit. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling angry. I hope things get better for you in your relationship with your sister. I had a close relationship with my older sister right up to the day she died in a car accident. Please try and make the most of your time together. My sister was only 22 yo.                             Peace and love to you,                                   Kim

Response:

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