Act Acting » Acting School » Forgive me now..this is going to be long..but i need you all.

Forgive me now..this is going to be long..but i need you all.

Question:

Melanie- I’m glad to hear about your relationship with Matt.  Sometimes I get majorly sidetracked too.  When you want to rant about dear ol’ mom there are a lot of us who can join in. Kimberly

Response:

  This was Kimberly’s helpful lil’ post, with an addition by me. I’m much better tonight. Slightly less manic and not just fresh off another fight with the maternal figure. I do have some doubts about your relationship with Matt. What I question

is that, "Matt and I are each other’s reason for living." There is a such thing as needing someone too much. The best relatonships come with an attitude of, I really want you to share my life with me, but I still am a separate person.  You are not the be-all and end-all of my existence.  I can go on without you, though I don’t want to have to. Are you two doomed?  I don’t necessarily think so.  I was told my relationship with my husband was doomed, and that was the most hurtful thing I heard heading into a marriage. I don’t think that you really want

to be dependant 100% on  someone.  Your own strength helps both you and Matt.  What if he becomes suicidal?  With your own reasons to live, you may help anchor him in his time of need.  If he is your reason for living then you might decide to give up too.

I attempted to convey a little less desperateness in the relationship. Really i have goals and dreams and my own great mind to live for…and Matt has strong qualities as such to live for too. I think  in my manic state, i failed to mention we support each other..and how we got each other through our worst depressions..well, when i go cycling..it’s hard to in clude it all. Nah..i can live without Matt..i really could. It doesn’t affect me that he’s got high school during the day and having fun while i toll away at a job..matter of fact..it gives us a much needed rest between seeing eachother.But the whole thing is I am choosing not wanting to live without him..not in a sick obsessed way..but in that "I wanna grow old with you cos you’re really like me and such" way. I welcome my shared life with him..but we both know we need our independence. In fact, this relationship is my best so far because both of us are sooo independent. Which is good..I cannot be tied down like a slave. I apologize for leaving out soo many details..but i am sure you can understand that as well. ***i snipped, well..i want to make it a small post****** Kimberly the Verbose Thank you Kimberly for responding from insight..it has helped..i’m glad

to hear there’s one other out there with a similar  mom prob..which was my gripe..i think i put too much matt into my rant than true mom rant..perhaps another day.. :o ) The earnestly learning Melanie

Response:

Hello Melanie- To start off I’ll tell you where I stand.  I’m almost 28, became BP when I was 15, flunked my senior year due to a depressive cycle, went back and started dating the man who became my husband.  my mother was great at psychologically abuse,,and she was messed up beyond belief. It took many months of therapy to be able to stop reacting emotionally at her attempts to make me feel guilty for everything that I had done. I had the luxury though of living on my own at the time.  I didn’t need her attacks either – I thought I was the scum of the earth. I don’t consider you a kid.  BP ages people far beyong their years sometimes, and family hells can change that.  You have my respect for living through all of this. Your mother sounds like someone who has too many of her own problems to deal with having any children to deal with, especially a BP one. She need to tear you down to amke herself feel better.  It might help if you can try to see what she says as her desperate attempts to control you – and that she can’t do that if you don’t let her.  When I stopped responding to my mother’s threats and guilt trips she would become even more frantic and less in control.  She became transparent and almost pathetic as she realized that she had lost her grip over me. I do have some doubts about your relationship with Matt.  It is possible that this is really the man you are detined to be with.  I met my hubby when I was 19 and he was 17.  We’ve been married for 7 years and have two kids.  thing can be very rocky with my BP, but he has pledged to stay with me.  What I question is that, "Matt and I are each other’s reason for living."  It is a terribly romantic idea, one pushed in books and movies.  But I found that having my husband as a reason to live made our relatonship unbalanced.  I need my own reasons to live.  I want to be a strong person, but I was yeilding up control of myself to him.  There is a such thing as needing someone too much. The best relatonships come with an attitude of, I really want you to share my life with me, but I still am a separate person.  You are not the be-all and end-all of my existence.  I can go on without you, though I don’t want to have to. Are you two doomed?  I don’t necessarily think so.  I was told my relationship with my husband was doomed, and that was the most hurtful thing I heard heading into a marriage.  But you two have a lot of work to do.  I don’t think that you really want to be dependant 100% on someone.  Your own strength helps both you and Matt.  What if he becomes suicidal?  With your own reasons to live, you may help anchor him in his time of need.  If he is your reason for living then you might decide to give up too. Your mother has fucked with your mind.  Don’t let her win.  Easier said then done granted.  She says that you are basically worthless. She is *wrong*.  Please believe that.  When you start to believe that you will see that you have value, even beyond Matt.  In the end the sad truth is that no one can save us except ourselves.  I looked for saviors, but there was no one that could save me.  I decided that I needed to do it on my own, with support from my husband.  I’m still clawing my way there.  I want to be strong for myself.  If I’m a mess I’m no good as a partner to my husband or as a mother to my children (this sick cycle that runs through my family stops here!) This didn’t come out the way I wanted it to.  I wish that you and Matt could be happy, but you probably see that you are both hurting.  You two could clutch to each other and drown, or you could both use your strengths to help each other to safety.  Strength and purpose from within yourself is th best way to help others. I don’t know if I really got to the heart of what you needed, but I tried.  I hope something in here helps. Kimberly the Verbose

Response:

See response at bottom:   Melanie is such a pretty name. I think, if I ever have children, I will name it Mel if it’s a boy and Melanie if it’s a girl. Can you handle some in-your-face stuff?

Right now..I was more or less looking for someone to tell me i was right..but since this is obviously a universal teen post..i’ll let it go.  It’s kind of difficult to get a feeling for who you are, what your feelings are, etc. just from a post, but I think I can say that you sound just like a normal teenager to me.

erm. nah. but you are entitled to your opinion. ps. i excluded soo much..cos i got tired of writing..and i couldn’t stop "being dramatic." Does that sound cruel? I don’t mean it to sound anything. You love Matt and that’s very cool and sweet and it’s great that you found someone who you can share yourself with. Perhaps (just perhaps cause I don’t know you) more than love, you’re feeling a kinship with someone you happen to have an awful lot in common with. For example, I used to think that the feelings I got when I met a person and wanted to have sex with them meant that I "loved" them (that’s just my own stupid issue), but then I learned what lust was. So, I thought I loved, but really I didn’t, I just lusted.

 well..in this case…Matt’s the only person I have known that will be sincere and honest and look at both sides. Plus…he’s giving me a sense of "love" i never got at home..both parents worked, brother had nothing to do with me..isloation..self induced at times/..etc..i sound like i am whining, and frankly, i don’t care. well, i do care…but never mind.And it sounds mushy…but he’s the first "real" person to hug me..and i know it means something. Not a generic hug. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – One thing that disturbed me was how you talked about your feelings and actions being okay because they were like they are in the movies. Maybe that wasn’t what you meant, but that’s how it reads. It’s important to understand that TV, movies, most newspapers and magazines are NOT reality. Rather, they are the reality that we are fed by a group of producers, directors, actors, editors, etc. whose only goal is to make money. Same thing goes for advertisers. I think if you went back to the 17th century and told everyone that in the 20th century the most popular drink in the world would be carbonated sugar water with caramel flavoring they’d laugh till they puked. Yet, that’s reality because it’s what we’ve been told to drink. What you see in a movie is not real. Please don’t make that mistake. When you see teenagers in movies dealing with suicidal thoughts, it’s all a bunch of bullshit.  

The point i was attempting to make..no, i know in real life NO ONE thinks 24/7 about their love and i know NO ONE rational would love someone because they gave them another reason to live..especially if that RATIONAL person was seriously dating another RATIONAL person..i.e. both parties being BI POLAR and both rapid cyclers…nah. I know movies aren’t real. but feelings are. If they aren’t…saying I love you to your parents, your sig. other, or even yourself means dick..and therefore no reason to live cos you are a robot..NO FEELINGS!!  how can you say feelings aren’t real..nah, i meant emotions..love is an emotion. anger is an emotion.and the teen suicide thing..i won’t even attempt to go into that..i know that shits fake..what do you take me for? god..with an above avg. iq..you think i’d get credit for at least being slightly smart. Without going into my own life, please trust that I know that depression as a teenager is a living hell!! Not just from my own experience, but from the work I’ve done. The fact that there seems to be some huge communication problem between you and your parents doesn’t seem to help. Many people would disagree, but I have to stand firm on this one. None of us are as unique and individual as we think. Even teenagers who think that by dressing differently from the cheerleaders and geeks they are unique are really the worst of conformists. They think they’re rebelling and really they’re doing the opposite. It’s actually quite amusing, but I have digressed.

um. no. That;’s not why I dress different at all. in fact..I don’t dress *different*. I had my rebellion..i never wanted to be different…really. i was the straight a student..the award winning violinist and pianist for our school..i had hopes and dreams..and above all…i was an enigma. i WAS unique. still am, given a chance to assert it. It’s also kind of strange how you go off on your mother as being this bitch on wheels, but then credit her when she seemingly says something positive about you – like she’s only right when she’s saying what you want to hear.

Actually…i said she credited me…ME..with doing good..nah..I can’t credit her anymore.i used to..she used to make valid arguements..and i am wrong mosyt of the time…and she was usually right..til about now..I can’t respect someone who would have nothing to do with me as a kid..and attempt to make up for it by hating me..really hating me..coming to blows when i had no defense. Coming to blows..as in word-wise….she always twists things around..perhaps it’s just me..could be…not like my dad noticed it, or my brother, who moved out beacuse of it. Hmmmm…. Specifically, she told you, paraphrasing here, that when you love something you never give it up. That IS kind of sick. Actually, the opposite is true. If you truly love someone, then you would be more than willing to let them go if you knew it was what they needed. Love and Obsession are NOT synonymous terms. One does not go with the other. For example, if Matt, who you love, came to you and said, "I love you but we must break up because I am going to college in another state for four years and can’t maintain a relationship under those circumstances." What would you do? According to your mother, you should pack your bags and live underneath Matt’s bed in his dorm, but would that be good? No – that would be obsessive and sick. Love would mean accepting that he needs to do what he needs to do and you need to do what you need to do and making a mature decision. I think you get it.

You missed it again..it must be the way i type…the whole love thing is i tend to let them go..when needed…but i’ll fester and burn long afterwards…it goes away..the sad thing is…I’m the one to be off to college..and Matt’s retaking 2 more grades in high school…anyways…I am mature in the sense of knowing when to cool it..like me with the job…like me going ahead with my future. There’s more to me than this 139 line post..but I’d need to talk in person for you to truly understand i think. Well, I hope you’re okay. I don’t mince words. I try to be supportive but as realistic as I can be. If I pissed you off, then perhaps that’s not a bad thing. Anger, sometimes, is a means to getting better. Good Luck! John

WELL..John..you didn’t piss me off..and i wasn’t angry when i wrote it. It’s odd..i wonder how old you are..cos i swear..not to be a teenager..i can vote and die for my country..but alas! i am still a kid..i can pay taxes and have credit..nope..just a kid..you see what i mean..it’s like talking to ahem..my mom…and yeah, she had good sides to her once..but they were never with me..i was THE mistake..I WAS that 1% that swum up the birth canal on birth control pills..and made it. She’s never forgiven herself, or me for really being alive….and I want to be alive..seriously..more than just for matt. I have a real good future…just, i’d like some of you to vome home to my home for dinner…and wind up not being able to eat cos your picked on…merciliessly. I’m 18. I’ll average 30 more years, according to our family histories. And I hope when I get to be 28, I never refer to an 18 yr old as a kid. Esp. when one opens up that vulnerable mind..and allows strangers within. I think because of my oversenitivity…i may refrain from posting like this again. Perhaps I really do need to grow up. Get my head out of the clouds. Start the rat race. Become boring as hell. Live a horribly wretched life, and die with the knowledge that I went thru years of emotional pain..and find out i am just typical. If this is an avergae teenage story with sick "love" dialect…I am sad to say I am disappointed and horrified to find out adults do this more than i thought. No way to raise a kid..no way to treat mankind. Almost ready to go to sleep..but not quite. Melanie ..the resident kid and sicko. :o )

Response:

See response at bottom: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello. My name is Melanie. I have been posting inside here for about a month. I need this moment in time, just a tiny moment for myself..just one effortless moment to rest. To bring myself a fraction f the peace I once had.  I’ll start somewhere in the middle of my life. I think that’ll be justified. When I hit fifth grade..I hit a HUGE growth spurt. I gained a lil’ more weight, and matured early.That’s when my mom began making emotional jokes at me…making me feel horrible.Wait..i need to go back further. In second grade, I came down with croup at night. I kept hoping I would die..cos i thought in death..I’d be loved more. I suppose I wasn’t mistreated in the conventional style..yuou know..physically…but my  mom had a knack of twisting your brain and emotions right into convulsions. Well..since that day..I had a fascination with death..it intrigued me people were practically worshipped when they died. Back to fifth grade…I failed Math with a 49 on a sem . test. I knew I’d get *killed* at home..so I forged the sig. on the report card, lied to my parents about the teacher messing i up…and then that entire summer I tried suffocating myself, hanging myself. Then I got inot razors in sixth grade..I discussed with my cousin wanting to die..she told my mom..I got tongue lashed for it. Seventh grade…I finally exhibited signs of serious rapid cycling, hallucinating, and this lead to my diagnosis of schizophrenia in eighth grade,though i ha already diagnosed myself in seventh grade as bi polar. Mind you..i told my mom i needed help…she ignored me an entire two years before a kid a school ratted on me when i told him my suicide plan.   On that point..I spent six months in an insurance paid hospital..vegged out on Respiridal, and killing my intelligence with crap school work..two yr olds could do…and not only that..but gaining knowledge on manufacturing drugs thru the dealers thrown in with us. I was the only one there for an actual *mental* problem. I got back into school..I got treated horridly by peers..couldn’t sleep or eat..finally found out my ins. was bled dry..and that i was misdiagnosed! Another p-doc..another med change…and things seemed ok..except the endless "talks" with my mom..her ranting about me "faking" my disease..being "dramatic" and on and on about how worthless i was and how i needed to grow up..all in throes of my med change and all.  I was put on 900 Lithium, Zoloft,. folic acid for the anemia, and vitamin e for what all.  Endless sarcasm from my mom…my dad was always asleep when she did this to me…I couldn’t walk three feet without her mentioning my weight or something..I am the QUEEN of putting myself down..I didn’t need her help, nor her agreement. Now, senior yr….I have had the worst yr. possible…brother’s wedding interrrupting my birthday, graduation…mom quit work and has been home to ride my ass for almost a year now. I got a car to find a job and go to college in..ohhhh wait..gotta tell ya about matt.  :o) He’s my saviour. He’s everything to me.He’s so fucking incredible. sorry bout that. Matt never really knew me in school. I sat in the bathroom at lunch to avoid taunts from other kids for my dress style and such.. I noticed him dressing like me…and i saw him always sitting apart from others..so finally..I got up the nerve during office aide to say hello.  I’m really into music..I want(ed) to be a record label person or something when I grew up..somehow connected to the biz. I saw Matt’s backpack..and saw he liked Velvet Underground and such. Eventually, he told me he wanted to *hook* up with my friend Gretchen..thing is Gretchen doesn’t date guys like him..he sometimes wears make-up…and nevermind…he’s an eighties kid like me.She laughed at this total romantic..but I grew fond of him really really fond..and i began to hang more with him. One day..I went to his house..and I was absolutely racked from my mom’s rantings…and i tol him my intent to kill myself..may 18..i’ll go into the reasons later..he was all down too..and we made a pact in sort that we would not let each other do that..and we sat on his couch, and as the rain poured down..we cried together. I felt peace with him..the first peace I’d felt in a while. But I was hurt too. I had already vowed to give up finding someone to understand me..to not look for a "male me" as i wrote in my journals and told my so called friends… Matt finally asked me to be with him. At first..he was still wrapped into this girl Rachel, who was his first girlfriend. His feelings were understandable..seeing how my first was. We swapped stories..we promised we wouldn’t promise to love each other…etc. Neither one of us prepared to get murdered by love again. I got a car…i tried looking for jobs…I wasn’t going to college…mym mom got furious, my dad, he understood. In July, i picked up matt and drove to a far town to pick up our friends Dave and Fran. I was where i wasn’t supposed to be, got lost..and wrecked my car. Or something like that. There’s more..but it”l take years to type. I told Matt that I was never leaving him..the way he handled me after i wrecked my car..no one else but a made for me could do it. My mom- blew up. She killed me time an agaimn with "You can move out if you think you an Matt can support yourselves.." You think you are so big..etc..You’re not my daughter…well…Matt finally proposed his love to me. We are both 18. We are seriously in love. We are going to be together. And now all we ever hear is how sick we both are for loving someone. He’s had to go back to high school..he failed hard when he got his manic depression, like me. Matt and I..we’re a match in heaven. Perfectly moulded for each other..with enough qwirks to make us bearable to be with each other. I’ve almost a steady job…I’m damn close to getting it. It’s with Compaq..I can work nights 10 45 til 6, and still see matt. I’m saving for an apartment/car to get out of the unbearable sit. at home. every few hours, mom explodes into sarcastic bitchy voices about matt, me, and our relationship, college, work…being dramatic with my disease..not having a disease.. getting checked into another hospital to get dosages checked..etc etc it’s all bullshit… All i hear is how I fake everything..how she’s sick of me..how she wants me to leave…how I am the problem in the house..how I should have died like i said i would…if I’d "meant it" if i was "really suicidal"  I FUCKING HATE HER!! she makes my panic attacks worse..she laughs at my nervous condition..she thinks my attacks are "good acting" she thinks all i do is put on a show for everyone…it’s getting to overflow..and now matt’s hearing the same from his mom..and step dad. Her opinions suck. I’m tired of argueing with her, and when i make a valid point, she says she doesn’t wanna talk anymore..and retreats into her hateful shell. All i ever hear from anyone that’s known me awhile, is what a great person i am, how giving and caring i am. How they love me for being so honest and listening, not judging. I get tread on for all that..taken advatage of. Mymom..she’s a wiz at telling me the bad features of all my friends, running them all down so i see them thru glassy eyes. She runs down matt. Now i have reason to fight back. Matt and I are each other’s reason for living. We are each other’s hope. This doesn’t seem to be sick..matter of fact, in movies, it romantic. This can’t be too early an age to be in love like this. Could my heart be so wrong? My mom has credited me with one "good" thing..Once I love something..I’ll never give it up..be loyal til death…all that good stuff. I’ll go after *it* with a pursuit of almost obsession. I do it with music..and now I do it with Matt. I think in all this crying as i type..I’ve lost my point. Perhaps there wasn’t one. All i know is that each day..me and matt need more of each other, and each day..we are getting seperated by petty things..and we try sooo hard to please my parents and his. Ok. I lost myself..I want everyone to post on this..or write me or whatever. I need opinions, outside opinios…i need stories similar or dissimilar on stuff like this..i need i need…umm.. a few hundred tissues and Matt..but aside from that..i need some support..my mom likes to tell me i am crazy. I hate that word. Cos in a sense i am..even on med…more of which i’ll get into later..if ya wanna bear thru it. :) Thank you all for being here. I appreciate it much. The absolutely racked disorderProcession….

  Melanie is such a pretty name. I think, if I ever have children, I will name it Mel if it’s a boy and Melanie if it’s a girl. Can you handle some in-your-face stuff? It’s kind of difficult to get a feeling for who you are, what your feelings are, etc. just from a post, but I think I can say that you sound just like a normal teenager to me. Does that sound cruel? I don’t mean it to sound anything. You love Matt and that’s very cool and sweet and it’s great that you found someone who you can share yourself with. Perhaps (just perhaps cause I don’t know you) more than love, you’re feeling a kinship with someone you happen to have an awful lot in common with. For example, I used to think that the feelings I got when I met a person and wanted to have sex with them meant that I "loved" them (that’s just my own stupid issue), but then I learned what lust was. So, I thought I loved, but really I didn’t, I just lusted. You are not crazy. No one is crazy. I have FELT crazy, but "feelings are not facts". (how’s that for a clich

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