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Grandparents separating(gets OT towards the end)

Question:

Don’t have much experience in your situation — I was 16 when my parents separated and it was a bit of a relief all round.  I remember one night shortly after the announcement kneeling outside their bedroom door and listening to them talk!  It’s not that I was eavesdropping, I was listening not for the *words*, but just cos it was so new to hear them *talk* to one another instead of shouting.  Music to my ears. Anyway, *of course* you are allowed to sympathise with everyone and listen and talk to everyone without feeling guilty!  And *of course* your grandparents shouldn’t feel they have the right to pressure you into what is essentially gossip. Your brother — well, at 17 and not knowing exactly what is going on?  I can see why he might get a bit emotional! Good luck. –Janet Elliot, Hanna, Connor  (10/21/96)

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello. My parents are separating after almost 24 years of marriage. I need advice on how to handle this situation with my kids. In 2 months, my kids will be 3 years old and 4.5 years old. They have always seen my parents together and relate them to each other. I have a little idea of what to say but I’m not sure. I don’t want to mess their little heads up. I was 7 when my grandmother walked out on my grandfather and I remember my mom taking me to see my grandmother at her new apartment (which was in the same city she lived in before divorce but I didn’t know better) and I cried because I thought I’d never see her again. I begged her to write me letters but not in cursive because I couldn’t read cursive good yet. Also, I need advice for myself. I can’t believe this is happening to my parents! Church-going all my life, never did anything wrong (that I knew about until I grew up and they tell me things now!) My mom just told my dad yesterday she wanted him to leave. He called me to let me know what was going on but she had already called me to tell me and he was saying he couldn’t understand it and all this. She wants him to leave the house and her stay and he’s not going to do that. So here I am in the middle of it. I tell them I’m not picking sides but I do want them to talk to me. They both call me to talk and tell me how they feel. I feel a little guilty because they both tell me things and I can’t tell the other what the other said. I need advice about letting them talk to me about this stuff and is it OK since they’re my parents and they are splitting up to listen to them both. I feel bad for both of them, and I blame both of them. No one has been the good guy or bad guy but I know we all need someone to listen to us and just keep quiet. <sigh Thanks for any advice anyone might have. I never in a thousand years would have expected this! Also- the grandmother I have who walked out on my grandfather is treating my mom like crap now for doing this, and my grandfather is not acting much better. I am always being asked questions by them about what’s going on with my parents even when I tell them it’s their business and not mine or my grandparent’s. I know after this, my grandfather is going to have alot to say about it and I know I’ll be rude if he keeps it up. I need strength for this! I’ve been strong my whole life but I don’t know how much longer I’ll last with my grandparents. Sorry for all the whining. I’ve never been down this road before and been old enough to understand what was happening. Marie http://www.freeyellow.com/members6/mommydowis/index.htm

Response:

I hate to say it, but he probably should be told the truth, no matter how horrible it is.  He’s close enough to being grown, and he is old enough to resent you knowing and him not.  Good luck. Kristina  (Mom to Brad, 8 and Cate, 6)

Response:

If he’s still at home, he probably knows something you don’t.  My sister-in-law suspected the other guy because she worked with my in-laws.  My DH and I didn’t suspect a thing, except stress on the marriage. Kristina  (Mom to Brad, 8 and Cate, 6)

Response:

Actually I do know the whole story but my brother doesn’t. I know the whole history of my parents so I can understand a little of how my mom feels but my brother doesn’t know about it so he thinks it’s all my mother’s fault. Marie http://www.freeyellow.com/members6/mommydowis/index.htm

If he’s still at home, he probably knows something you

don’t.  My sister-in-law suspected the other guy because she worked with my

in-laws.  My DH and I didn’t – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -suspect a thing, except stress on the marriage. Kristina  (Mom to Brad, 8 and Cate, 6)

Response:

We have had something similar going on with DH’s parents.  They have been seperated for almost 2 years now — this time.  When Brad was one, my MIL went through a mid-life crisis and "left" and reunited with my FIL many times over a period of 1 1/2 years.  Then they reunited permenantly until 2 years ago CHRISTMAS!  (Yes, it was joyous that year).  Anyway, our situation was worse because  a) they lived next door and b) she left and immediately began living with another man. The best thing to do is to explain, just as when  a parent’s marriage breaks up,  that they decided they are happier living in different places, not with each other, but they will both still be at parties, etc., and that they both still love the kids.  Our situation is still bad because we refuse to let the kids go to their grandmother’s house because of WHO she lives with.  We don’t think, among other things, that she is providing the type of example that we want our kids to follow.  She is always welcome here, but she doesn’t usually take advantage of it.  My sister-in-law sees her much more.  My FIL has really blossomed these last 2 years.  He is hurt, but he is much more involved with the grandkids. Sorry, but good luck!  Divorce is not pretty. Kristina  (Mom to Brad, 8 and Cate, 6)

Response:

Well my 17 year old brother just stopped by (skipping school of all things) and he said he hates our mother for what she’s doing. He’s not going to have anything to do with her anymore. I didn’t know what to say. This is weird. Marie http://www.freeyellow.com/members6/mommydowis/index.htm – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello. My parents are separating after almost 24 years of marriage. I need advice on how to handle this situation with my kids. In 2 months, my kids will be 3 years old and 4.5 years old. They have always seen my parents together and relate them to each other. I have a little idea of what to say but I’m not sure. I don’t want to mess their little heads up. I was 7 when my grandmother walked out on my grandfather and I remember my mom taking me to see my grandmother at her new apartment (which was in the same city she lived in before divorce but I didn’t know better) and I cried because I thought I’d never see her again. I begged her to write me letters but not in cursive because I couldn’t read cursive good yet. Also, I need advice for myself. I can’t believe this is happening to my parents! Church-going all my life, never did anything wrong (that I knew about until I grew up and they tell me things now!) My mom just told my dad yesterday she wanted him to leave. He called me to let me know what was going on but she had already called me to tell me and he was saying he couldn’t understand it and all this. She wants him to leave the house and her stay and he’s not going to do that. So here I am in the middle of it. I tell them I’m not picking sides but I do want them to talk to me. They both call me to talk and tell me how they feel. I feel a little guilty because they both tell me things and I can’t tell the other what the other said. I need advice about letting them talk to me about this stuff and is it OK since they’re my parents and they are splitting up to listen to them both. I feel bad for both of them, and I blame both of them. No one has been the good guy or bad guy but I know we all need someone to listen to us and just keep quiet. <sigh Thanks for any advice anyone might have. I never in a thousand years would have expected this! Also- the grandmother I have who walked out on my grandfather is treating my mom like crap now for doing this, and my grandfather is not acting much better. I am always being asked questions by them about what’s going on with my parents even when I tell them it’s their business and not mine or my grandparent’s. I know after this, my grandfather is going to have alot to say about it and I know I’ll be rude if he keeps it up. I need strength for this! I’ve been strong my whole life but I don’t know how much longer I’ll last with my grandparents. Sorry for all the whining. I’ve never been down this road before and been old enough to understand what was happening. Marie http://www.freeyellow.com/members6/mommydowis/index.ht m

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello. My parents are separating after almost 24 years of marriage. I need advice on how to handle this situation with my kids. In 2 months, my kids will be 3 years old and 4.5 years old. They have always seen my parents together and relate them to each other. I have a little idea of what to say but I’m not sure. I don’t want to mess their little heads up. I was 7 when my grandmother walked out on my grandfather and I remember my mom taking me to see my grandmother at her new apartment (which was in the same city she lived in before divorce but I didn’t know better) and I cried because I thought I’d never see her again. I begged her to write me letters but not in cursive because I couldn’t read cursive good yet. Also, I need advice for myself. I can’t believe this is happening to my parents! Church-going all my life, never did anything wrong (that I knew about until I grew up and they tell me things now!) My mom just told my dad yesterday she wanted him to leave. He called me to let me know what was going on but she had already called me to tell me and he was saying he couldn’t understand it and all this. She wants him to leave the house and her stay and he’s not going to do that. So here I am in the middle of it. I tell them I’m not picking sides but I do want them to talk to me. They both call me to talk and tell me how they feel. I feel a little guilty because they both tell me things and I can’t tell the other what the other said. I need advice about letting them talk to me about this stuff and is it OK since they’re my parents and they are splitting up to listen to them both. I feel bad for both of them, and I blame both of them. No one has been the good guy or bad guy but I know we all need someone to listen to us and just keep quiet. <sigh Thanks for any advice anyone might have. I never in a thousand years would have expected this! Also- the grandmother I have who walked out on my grandfather is treating my mom like crap now for doing this, and my grandfather is not acting much better. I am always being asked questions by them about what’s going on with my parents even when I tell them it’s their business and not mine or my grandparent’s. I know after this, my grandfather is going to have alot to say about it and I know I’ll be rude if he keeps it up. I need strength for this! I’ve been strong my whole life but I don’t know how much longer I’ll last with my grandparents. Sorry for all the whining. I’ve never been down this road before and been old enough to understand what was happening.

I’m sorry, Marie.  I personally don’t have any advice based on experience to offer but you have my sympathy.  The only thing I can suggest is to speak your mind to everyone involved.  Let it be known that you aren’t going to take sides and don’t want to be asked but you do want to talk it over with whomever needs to. Kendra Proud to be "Outlandish"! http://www.crosswinds.net/~graphicsbykendra http://www.crosswinds.net/~outlandish *Something to consider* "Amatures built the ark, professionals built the Titanic."

Response:

Hello. My parents are separating after almost 24 years of marriage. I need advice on how to handle this situation with my kids. In 2 months, my kids will be 3 years old and 4.5 years old. They have always seen my parents together and relate them to each other. I have a little idea of what to say but I’m not sure. I don’t want to mess their little heads up. I was 7 when my grandmother walked out on my grandfather and I remember my mom taking me to see my grandmother at her new apartment (which was in the same city she lived in before divorce but I didn’t know better) and I cried because I thought I’d never see her again. I begged her to write me letters but not in cursive because I couldn’t read cursive good yet. Also, I need advice for myself. I can’t believe this is happening to my parents! Church-going all my life, never did anything wrong (that I knew about until I grew up and they tell me things now!) My mom just told my dad yesterday she wanted him to leave. He called me to let me know what was going on but she had already called me to tell me and he was saying he couldn’t understand it and all this. She wants him to leave the house and her stay and he’s not going to do that. So here I am in the middle of it. I tell them I’m not picking sides but I do want them to talk to me. They both call me to talk and tell me how they feel. I feel a little guilty because they both tell me things and I can’t tell the other what the other said. I need advice about letting them talk to me about this stuff and is it OK since they’re my parents and they are splitting up to listen to them both. I feel bad for both of them, and I blame both of them. No one has been the good guy or bad guy but I know we all need someone to listen to us and just keep quiet. <sigh Thanks for any advice anyone might have. I never in a thousand years would have expected this! Also- the grandmother I have who walked out on my grandfather is treating my mom like crap now for doing this, and my grandfather is not acting much better. I am always being asked questions by them about what’s going on with my parents even when I tell them it’s their business and not mine or my grandparent’s. I know after this, my grandfather is going to have alot to say about it and I know I’ll be rude if he keeps it up. I need strength for this! I’ve been strong my whole life but I don’t know how much longer I’ll last with my grandparents. Sorry for all the whining. I’ve never been down this road before and been old enough to understand what was happening. Marie http://www.freeyellow.com/members6/mommydowis/index.htm

Response:

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