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Grieving and gifted children

Question:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Recognize that the 6 year old emotions are going to override any advanced cognitive skills Alex has.  He’s still 6, after all.  We went through something similar when my mother died — I also have an older son similar to yours (and ADHD to boot!) who had just turned 7 at the time and my younger son was not quite 3, so….. Children this age often can’t verbalize what’s truly troubling them, no matter how advanced they are, so displays of anger aren’t uncommon as a result of grief.  Also, remember that both children’s grief probably isn’t the same as yours — losing a baby has different meaning to young siblings than it does for the parents.

Very true.  Everyday I have to keep reminding myself that he’s only 6. I guess I forgot part of that in my own grieving. If you can, when he’s not in a tantrum moment, if you can direct him to do non-talking activities — drawing pictures, for example, might allow him to express himself.  Accept too, that many young children express sadness and grief as anger, not the sadness that adults expect to be shown.

I bought a coloring book for each of us called "When Someone Special Dies."  We work on it together at least once a week for an hour and whenever the boys want to do it.  It has been very helpful for each of us. He may be more upset that you’re not physically capable of being the Mommy he’s used to — reassure him that you’ll soon be up and around, and in the meantime, encourage both children to have quiet activities with you. Let your older son read you stories…draw in bed with your younger son. Watch tv together, or listen to music.

As I have gotten my strength back and our routine has returned somewhat to normal, Alex has returned more to his old self.  He has started showing anger when Liam role-plays, but I simply remind him that this is Liam’s way of understanding death and loss. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – If the behaviors persist, you might want to consider looking into grieving programs for children.  Many local hospices sponsor programs designed for children, instructed on their level, to help them with their grief. When my younger brother was murdered a few years ago, my younger son was 7 and had a *very* hard time, not only with his uncle’s death, but also with my mother’s death from before..six months before that, his best friend died suddenly from a cardiac birth defect … and two months after my brother died, my MIL died, so he had a lot on his plate.  Our local hospice’s program was wonderful (at 6 sessions, it could have been a little longer, though).  It might be something to look into if you feel it necessary.

We had one session through the hospital to deal with grief.  I would have liked more, but he did get the boys to open up–which was my greatest concern.  My sympathies on your losses.  Your family has had a hard time as well.  The boys also lost a grandfather a year ago this February.  There has been a lot of loss in these children’s lives in the past 18 months. <a lot of wonderful life experiences snipped Thank you for sharing this with me.  It’s nice to be re-assured that Liam is handling this in a very age-appropriate manner.  I have also gotten some good advice from many people about Alex.  We are dealing with his anger by using a system of time-outs and letting him vent alone in his room.  Unfortunately, we couldn’t really let him vent when my sister was here because her baby would often be sleeping.  I’m glad she was here to help out.  Having her baby here was a great help also. He’s so sweet.  It gave me something to do.  His smiles cheered me up when I started sinking into depression.  His cries reminded me that life goes on despite my own grief.  I lost my baby around 24 weeks gestation.  My sister’s baby was born around 24 weeks gestation (he’s now 7 months old).  I was worried that I would feel jealousy, but he had the completely opposite effect on me. There’s also The Compassionate Friends (www.compassionatefriends.com), an organization for those who have lost a child (and their siblings, too).

Thank you.  I will check out their website. Well, I don’t know how helpful I’ve been, but those were our experiences with children similar to yours at similar ages, for what that’s worth. Again, my condolences. Leah

You have been very helpful.  Thank you for sharing and offering your very good advice. Sincerely, Dorinda

Response:

 Hello all.  I am new to this group and haven’t followed it on a regular basis.  I hope someone here can help. I have two gifted children–a highly gifted 6 year old (Alex) with the mind of a middle school/early high school child, and an artistically gifted 3 year old (Liam).  Over a year ago, I had lost a baby and found very little in traditional methods and resources to help Alex cope with the grief.  A few days ago, I lost another baby.  Alex has shown that he understands that Phillip is in Heaven with Samuel now and that the doctors did absolutely everything they could do.  I can’t get him to really talk about his feelingd, but he blows up at everything throwing temper tantrums seemingly randomly.  How can I get him to realize this behavior stems from his grief and the stress that I was in the hospital for over a week?  Physically I am too weak to deal with his actions outright.  (I was in bed with my head a foot lower than my feet for a week and am just getting my equilibrium back).  I know my weakness only makes him more afraid that something is going to happen to me.  How do I relate and communicate to a 6 year old with 6 year old emotions and a 13 year old brain? Liam seems to be going through the denial process of grieving fine.  He has been acting out that he is a superhero.  He says when he finds the right capre, he’ll fly up to Heaven and bring both Samuel and Phillip back from Heaven so we can all be together.  In the hospital he said he thought that maybe the "baby didn’t leave my tummy and was born.  Maybe Phillip was in my leg and the doctors should put him back in my tummy." I just gently explain to him as I hold him on my lap that it’s a sweet thought, but he can’t fly up to Heaven because it’s too far away.  And Phillip isn’t in my leg because Mommy and Daddy saw him and held him after he died.  I expected this from him to some extent.  I was actually somewhat amazed that he remembered the service we had for Samuel since Liam had just turned 2 at the time.  He asked if we were going to scatter Phillips ashes in the pond, too, and if Mommy was going to sing again. I greatly appreciate any help I can get. Sincerely, Dorinda (geryon) — Start the day with love. Live the day with love. End the day with love.    —Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff with Your Family

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