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How do I tell my already confused daughter of divorce?

Question:

All the discipline as well as being the only one to tell her of the divorce is left on my shoulders, which I’m sure is part of his plan to make me look like the bad guy, and him…….the golden boy. He has already made the statement that if asked by her, he will tell her that it is something that mom want’s and daddy doesn’t.

My ex did this as well, in fact he DID tell our oldest boy that he would stop the divorce if he could (our boys were 8 and 10 at the time).  This is despite the fact that the ex was the one who moved out and who filed for divorce.  Our son repeated this in front of both of us.  I replied that this was a personal matter between Mom and Dad, and that we would both take care of the boys  no matter what.  Then later, in private, I read the ex the riot act and asked him if he wouldn’t be humiliated if I had to ask the lawyers to put it in writing that he couldn’t hurt and use the children this way.  I also let it be known that I would NOT stand for him badmouthing me to the kids, and that it could put our plans of 50/50 custody at risk as I couldn’t allow my kids to live half the time with someone who would hurt them like that.  He got the message. There’s no doubt about it; it’s just plain evil to badmouth the other parent to these little kids.  It tears them up. Lauri in WA I like my email spamless

Response:

I have a nine year old daughter.  She was seven when she was told her Mom and I were getting a divorce. Actually, it seems to me as if you are the one with the potential to be using your daugther in this one.  Just in reading your post your anger seems to come through.  You complain about the strange state of the divorce laws and how "he hasn’t moved out" yet you were/are the one who wants the divorce.  You also go on about how you are afraid that your daughter will see him as "Dad of the Year" and are concerned that this child will be fooled and that you need to set her straight.  And to me, at least, you didn’t answer the Abuse, Abandonment, Alchoholism and Adultery comment.  You seem to think that acting reasonably is tantamount to backing down, and that shows weakness, so you are using this whole thing as a sense of empowerment. Forgive me … my ex did the same thing. That being as it may, for your daughter: 1) You are choosing the divorce.  The divorce is between you and your husband.  Your daughter is not involved in the divorce.  She needs to be re-affirmed that she is not losing either parent. 2) The mistakes in your marriage are your fault (you and your husband), not your daughter’s.  She, IMHO, is going to be crushed (as I said, I have three daughters, one of them your daughter’s age).  She is, however, going to love both of her parents, and you are sorely mistaken if you think she will actually think that her father is horrible.  The sooner you can drop this approach, the sooner you will be more aligned with your daughters needs. 3) In telling your daughter, yes it is best if this is done with both of you.  It is also best if it is done without assigning blame.  Telling your daughter that you are divorcing him because he is "mentally abusive" is mentally abusive towards your daughter.  Things like, "Dad and I will be getting a divorce.  While we love you very much, we have decided that we really no longer want to be husband and wife."  Your daughter is not interested in why you broke up, except perhaps topically.  What she will be interested in is how this affects her and her relationship with both of her parents.  Where is she going to live?  With whom?  When will she get to see the other parent?  Will she have to change schools?  What about her friends? The less you can change for her, the better it will be for her.  Best bet is if one of you moves out and stays in the neighbourhood/vicinity, and she spends time (equal time being the best) at both houses. 4) IMHO, you need to loose the anger towards your stbx husband as you display it towards your daughter.  You are both her parents.  Regardless of what you might think of your stbx, he is your daughter’s father, and always will be.  Don’t abuse your daughter and try and minimize or change that in anyway. Rambler

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I am posting this for a friend that dosn’t have access to the groups at the moment.  Please read.  It was written by her, and although I try to help, I thought that someone that was in a simular situation would be a better influence. Thanks. Hello, I’ll try to keep this complex situation as short as possible, and hope that someone can give me some advice. I filed for divorce last September to get out of a mentally abusive marriage that lasted 20 yrs. It just got to the point where I couldn’t take being talked down to like a child, having money issues thrown in my face (i.e… I make the money around here), and to top it off, I’ve fallen out of love long ago. The biggest dilemma is to come. How to tell my nine-year-old daughter. The soon to be ex – husband still lives here ( gotta love the laws), and of course he turned sweet as pie after the papers were served.  I know that this "new" behavior is a sham, but does the nine year old?  I have approached him several times about telling her together and he won’t have anything to do with it, for he still doesn’t acknowledge this divorce as being the real deal and he figures that if I tell her, I will look the part of the bad parent. He has stopped being a parent and acting more like a "friend" to our daughter. He lets her get away with unacceptable behavior, buys her what she wants when she wants it, and has started using her as a weapon to suck me into doing  "normal" family things.  I know that his using her as a weapon technique will get worse. I want to tell her very soon (unfortunately on my own) for March will be a busy month concerning the divorce. I need some advice on how to broach this subject with a nine year old girl that thinks her father is now "dad of the year" despite everything she has seen/heard in the past. Thank you for any advice.

Response:

The biggest dilemma is to come. How to tell my nine-year-old daughter. The soon to be ex – husband still lives here ( gotta love the laws), and of course he turned sweet as pie after the papers were served.  I know that this "new" behavior is a sham, but does the nine year old? I have approached him several times about telling her together and he won’t have anything to do with it, for he still doesn’t acknowledge this divorce as being the real deal and he figures that if I tell her, I will look the part of the bad parent.

What about the truth… in a limited fashion… While it would be much better for you to discuss this together with your daughter, that looks out of the question. My thoughts… the truth, as much as you can shaire without making your spouse to look like the evil overlord. After all, that’s her dad and badmouthing him will only make you look like the ass in her eyes. You should also try to get her to understand that this is not about her. Nothing she did caused the problems leading to the divorce. It is not her responsibility to try to fix the relationship. Lastly, tell her that you love and care about her and that despite the changes in your and your spouses relationship, you both feel the same about wanting her as happy as can be under the circumstances. It’s a tough row to hoe… goodluck. "to mold a new reality, closer to the heart" RUSH

Response:

      Surly,     Thanks for the input.  But, I think the point was lost somewhere.   I am looking for advice how to tell my daughter that the divorce is   coming.   ah, OK, I see. There are many books and web sites on that topic; the SOP is..both parents should tell in a calm, nonjudgmental, non-frightening way, and they should base their reactions/approach on the child’s attitude (some kids freak out, others are pretty understanding or mature). As with discussions about the birds and the bees, and war, and murder, you should tell only the minimum that needs to be told, and you should tell based on the child’s priorities/interests rather than your own. Don’ assume she will demand to know "why don’t you love each other any more?" or "What happened?" Just say that there will be two separate houses but she will still have all her stuff, and she will still see both parents. period. the calmer you are, the better for her. She will pick up on your tension/anxiety. Be as matter of fact as you can. As Rambler said, shelve your own feelings, for they are not hers. Let her dad be the Disneyland Dad; that’s not your problem. you can’t control him, or her reaction to him. as for dad’s insistence that "this is something mom wants" you can’t do anything about that either…my son knows that his dad is the one who "fell out of love" and chose to move out, but he doesn’t love his dad one iota less, period. your daughter won’t judge you if you just stay the course….do what you know is right, and best, and trust to time. Trust your daughter’s wisdom, and don’t project your anger/fear onto her. it is very very hard, as most of us in this forum know; but think of it as a test, and passing the test means….mental health for your child.   The fact that he would throw her in the middle and use her as a pawn   is what’s killing me.   that’s your problem though. discuss it with a counselor, or friends, or family; but keep it out of interactions with your daughter. and he’s not "using her as a pawn," that’s your slant….recast it in your mind and you will be less furious. Make it small. Tend to your own garden.   An all new low for him.   lots of parents feel like telling "their" truth to the children. Don’t let it destroy you. Resolve to zip your lip and do what needs doing. and don’t tell her anything until you have to, and then only as much as absolutely necessary. best of luck!               Hello,         I’ll try to keep this complex situation as short as possible, and   hope     that someone can give me some advice.     I filed for divorce last September to get out of a mentally abusive     marriage that lasted 20 yrs.     It just got to the point where I couldn’t take being talked down to     like a child, having money issues thrown in my face (i.e… I make   the     money around here), and to top it off, I’ve fallen out of love long     ago.     The biggest dilemma is to come.     How to tell my nine-year-old daughter.     The soon to be ex – husband still lives here ( gotta love the laws),     and of course he turned sweet as pie after the papers were served.  I     know that this "new" behavior is a sham, but does the nine year old?      I have approached him several times about telling her together and     he won’t have anything to do with it, for he still doesn’t   acknowledge     this divorce as being the real deal and he figures that if I tell   her,     I will look the part of the bad parent.     He has stopped being a parent and acting more like a "friend" to our     daughter. He lets her get away with unacceptable behavior, buys her     what she wants when she wants it, and has started using her as a     weapon to suck me into doing  "normal" family things.  I know that   his     using her as a weapon technique will get worse.     I want to tell her very soon (unfortunately on my own) for March will     be a busy month concerning the divorce.     I need some advice on how to broach this subject with a nine year old     girl that thinks her father is now "dad of the year" despite     everything she has seen/heard in the past.     Thank you for any advice.             Start by talking to a counselor or teacher at your daughter’s school.   It     could also be the your stbx has finally seen the light after being   served,     and realizes he hasn’t been the best father and wants to make up for   lost     time. It might not have anything to do with you and it might not be a     ‘weapon’.         If your main reason for wanting a divorce is because you have simply   fallen     ‘out’ of love, and there is no abuse, adultery, abandonment, alcoholism   or a     third party involved, consider staying together for the time being for   your     daughter’s sake.         I am curious, if he was served last September and it’s now Febuary,   have you     not yet been to court to decide on provisional measures at least?                                             Thanks for the reply.     The whole reason isn’t because of falling out of love.     I know that once he sees that I back down from the proceedings he will     turn into the same abusive person of many times past.  Been down that     route too many tines.     It’s all mental abuse.  He’s never touched me, but does all he can to     make me feel inferior, and at one time I did believe that.  That’s the     reason for the lentghy marriage.     The reason for the delay in the legal crap.  Welcome to connecticut!     Although I filed in Sept.  The courts didn’t recognize it until Oct,     and then that damn 3 month cool down period.  And then lawyer     schedules/court schedules.              

Response:

Surly, Thanks for the input.  But, I think the point was lost somewhere. I am looking for advice how to tell my daughter that the divorce is coming. Not at all am I trying to "make my case" or correct her idea of her father.  I hve no intention of doing that. The original point was. Now she thinks that her father is "dad of the year" because of the lack of discipline. All the discipline as well as being the only one to tell her of the divorce is left on my shoulders, which I’m sure is part of his plan to make me look like the bad guy, and him…….the golden boy. He has already made the statement that if asked by her, he will tell her that it is something that mom want’s and daddy doesn’t. The fact that he would throw her in the middle and use her as a pawn is what’s killing me. An all new low for him. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –  why do you need to tell your daughter anything? excuse if this sounds judgmental, but aren’t you wanting simply to "make your case" with the daughter? If her dad is being nice to her, that’s OK…if discipline has slid away, you need to discuss that with HIM and come to common ground if possible….I don’t think there’s anything to be gained from "correcting" a child’s idea of his/her parent. Not a child of that age.   Hello,   I’ll try to keep this complex situation as short as possible, and hope   that someone can give me some advice.   I filed for divorce last September to get out of a mentally abusive   marriage that lasted 20 yrs.   It just got to the point where I couldn’t take being talked down to   like a child, having money issues thrown in my face (i.e… I make the   money around here), and to top it off, I’ve fallen out of love long   ago.   The biggest dilemma is to come.   How to tell my nine-year-old daughter.   The soon to be ex – husband still lives here ( gotta love the laws),   and of course he turned sweet as pie after the papers were served.  I   know that this "new" behavior is a sham, but does the nine year old?    I have approached him several times about telling her together and   he won’t have anything to do with it, for he still doesn’t acknowledge   this divorce as being the real deal and he figures that if I tell her,   I will look the part of the bad parent.   He has stopped being a parent and acting more like a "friend" to our   daughter. He lets her get away with unacceptable behavior, buys her   what she wants when she wants it, and has started using her as a   weapon to suck me into doing  "normal" family things.  I know that his   using her as a weapon technique will get worse.   I want to tell her very soon (unfortunately on my own) for March will   be a busy month concerning the divorce.   I need some advice on how to broach this subject with a nine year old   girl that thinks her father is now "dad of the year" despite   everything she has seen/heard in the past.   Thank you for any advice.   Start by talking to a counselor or teacher at your daughter’s school. It   could also be the your stbx has finally seen the light after being served,   and realizes he hasn’t been the best father and wants to make up for lost   time. It might not have anything to do with you and it might not be a   ‘weapon’.   If your main reason for wanting a divorce is because you have simply fallen   ‘out’ of love, and there is no abuse, adultery, abandonment, alcoholism or a   third party involved, consider staying together for the time being for your   daughter’s sake.   I am curious, if he was served last September and it’s now Febuary, have you   not yet been to court to decide on provisional measures at least?   Thanks for the reply.   The whole reason isn’t because of falling out of love.   I know that once he sees that I back down from the proceedings he will   turn into the same abusive person of many times past.  Been down that   route too many tines.   It’s all mental abuse.  He’s never touched me, but does all he can to   make me feel inferior, and at one time I did believe that.  That’s the   reason for the lentghy marriage.   The reason for the delay in the legal crap.  Welcome to connecticut!   Although I filed in Sept.  The courts didn’t recognize it until Oct,   and then that damn 3 month cool down period.  And then lawyer   schedules/court schedules.

Response:

  why do you need to tell your daughter anything? excuse if this sounds judgmental, but aren’t you wanting simply to "make your case" with the daughter? If her dad is being nice to her, that’s OK…if discipline has slid away, you need to discuss that with HIM and come to common ground if possible….I don’t think there’s anything to be gained from "correcting" a child’s idea of his/her parent. Not a child of that age.

      Hello,     I’ll try to keep this complex situation as short as possible, and hope   that someone can give me some advice.   I filed for divorce last September to get out of a mentally abusive   marriage that lasted 20 yrs.   It just got to the point where I couldn’t take being talked down to   like a child, having money issues thrown in my face (i.e… I make the   money around here), and to top it off, I’ve fallen out of love long   ago.   The biggest dilemma is to come.   How to tell my nine-year-old daughter.   The soon to be ex – husband still lives here ( gotta love the laws),   and of course he turned sweet as pie after the papers were served.  I   know that this "new" behavior is a sham, but does the nine year old?    I have approached him several times about telling her together and   he won’t have anything to do with it, for he still doesn’t acknowledge   this divorce as being the real deal and he figures that if I tell her,   I will look the part of the bad parent.   He has stopped being a parent and acting more like a "friend" to our   daughter. He lets her get away with unacceptable behavior, buys her   what she wants when she wants it, and has started using her as a   weapon to suck me into doing  "normal" family things.  I know that his   using her as a weapon technique will get worse.   I want to tell her very soon (unfortunately on my own) for March will   be a busy month concerning the divorce.   I need some advice on how to broach this subject with a nine year old   girl that thinks her father is now "dad of the year" despite   everything she has seen/heard in the past.   Thank you for any advice.       Start by talking to a counselor or teacher at your daughter’s school. It   could also be the your stbx has finally seen the light after being served,   and realizes he hasn’t been the best father and wants to make up for lost   time. It might not have anything to do with you and it might not be a   ‘weapon’.     If your main reason for wanting a divorce is because you have simply fallen   ‘out’ of love, and there is no abuse, adultery, abandonment, alcoholism or a   third party involved, consider staying together for the time being for your   daughter’s sake.     I am curious, if he was served last September and it’s now Febuary, have you   not yet been to court to decide on provisional measures at least?                       Thanks for the reply.   The whole reason isn’t because of falling out of love.   I know that once he sees that I back down from the proceedings he will   turn into the same abusive person of many times past.  Been down that   route too many tines.   It’s all mental abuse.  He’s never touched me, but does all he can to   make me feel inferior, and at one time I did believe that.  That’s the   reason for the lentghy marriage.   The reason for the delay in the legal crap.  Welcome to connecticut!   Although I filed in Sept.  The courts didn’t recognize it until Oct,   and then that damn 3 month cool down period.  And then lawyer   schedules/court schedules.    

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello, I’ll try to keep this complex situation as short as possible, and hope that someone can give me some advice. I filed for divorce last September to get out of a mentally abusive marriage that lasted 20 yrs. It just got to the point where I couldn’t take being talked down to like a child, having money issues thrown in my face (i.e… I make the money around here), and to top it off, I’ve fallen out of love long ago. The biggest dilemma is to come. How to tell my nine-year-old daughter. The soon to be ex – husband still lives here ( gotta love the laws), and of course he turned sweet as pie after the papers were served.  I know that this "new" behavior is a sham, but does the nine year old?  I have approached him several times about telling her together and he won’t have anything to do with it, for he still doesn’t acknowledge this divorce as being the real deal and he figures that if I tell her, I will look the part of the bad parent. He has stopped being a parent and acting more like a "friend" to our daughter. He lets her get away with unacceptable behavior, buys her what she wants when she wants it, and has started using her as a weapon to suck me into doing  "normal" family things.  I know that his using her as a weapon technique will get worse. I want to tell her very soon (unfortunately on my own) for March will be a busy month concerning the divorce. I need some advice on how to broach this subject with a nine year old girl that thinks her father is now "dad of the year" despite everything she has seen/heard in the past. Thank you for any advice. Start by talking to a counselor or teacher at your daughter’s school. It could also be the your stbx has finally seen the light after being served, and realizes he hasn’t been the best father and wants to make up for lost time. It might not have anything to do with you and it might not be a ‘weapon’. If your main reason for wanting a divorce is because you have simply fallen ‘out’ of love, and there is no abuse, adultery, abandonment, alcoholism or a third party involved, consider staying together for the time being for your daughter’s sake. I am curious, if he was served last September and it’s now Febuary, have you not yet been to court to decide on provisional measures at least?

Thanks for the reply. The whole reason isn’t because of falling out of love. I know that once he sees that I back down from the proceedings he will turn into the same abusive person of many times past.  Been down that route too many tines. It’s all mental abuse.  He’s never touched me, but does all he can to make me feel inferior, and at one time I did believe that.  That’s the reason for the lentghy marriage. The reason for the delay in the legal crap.  Welcome to connecticut! Although I filed in Sept.  The courts didn’t recognize it until Oct, and then that damn 3 month cool down period.  And then lawyer schedules/court schedules.

Response:

I am posting this for a friend that dosn’t have access to the groups at the moment.  Please read.  It was written by her, and although I try to help, I thought that someone that was in a simular situation would be a better influence. Thanks. Hello, I’ll try to keep this complex situation as short as possible, and hope that someone can give me some advice. I filed for divorce last September to get out of a mentally abusive marriage that lasted 20 yrs. It just got to the point where I couldn’t take being talked down to like a child, having money issues thrown in my face (i.e.

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