Act Acting » Acting School » Husabnd doesnt love our daughter

Husabnd doesnt love our daughter

Question:

"Jane" <janejanej…@jane.com> wrote in message

news:2hk4sdFe2ltbU1@uni-berlin.de… > "shinypenny" <shinypenny0…@yahoo.com> wrote in message > news:c8cb5319.0405260955.6bd33986@posting.google.com… > > The best thing you can do for your DD is keep your mouth shut about > > this, step back, and let your husband and your DD manage their own > > relationship. This is not for you to solve or fix. Be patient, give it > > time and plenty of room. You can’t predict how this will play out over > > the long haul. > THANK YOU. I am hoping that in the long term, when she becomes and adult > that he will find it easier to relate to her. My own mother never said she > loved me or hugged me as a child and was very distant. Things were tough for > a while when I was a teen, but now we get on ok, talk everyday on the

phone. I’m guessing that isn’t what you would have wanted, nor is it what you want for your daughter.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -care…@msn.com (Caren) wrote in message <news:3754f0b3.0405261509.306a30c1@posting.google.com>… > Sorry Jen.  It is NOT an 8 year old’s responsibility to ask for love > from a parent.  It is the parent who is supposed to be the parent (her > father).  He might not feel particularly loving toward his daughter, > but if he was big enough to get you pregnant, then he needs to suck it > up and be big enough to at least act like he loves her.  This issue is > really pushing buttons for me for some reason.  It seems that > someposters are actually blaming you, and then others are pushing for > you to stay married to the guy.  I don’t think that anyone is putting > your daughter on the top of this list and for some reason that is > urking me. > Children do not ask to be born.  Children should not be abused.  Part > of abuse is ignorning or neglecting children.  Not loving a child or > wanting that child in your life is neglect.  I don’t understand how > this subject can be taken so lightly.  I also don’t understand how > most posters are responding in a way that suggests that someday he > will come around.  Or some day she will come around.  The issue is > now.  Her past 8 years are done, does that mean spend another 10 years > assuming that all will work out?

Agreed, but how do you fix it? How does she force her husband to own up to this?  She can’t change her husband. All the guilt trips and stern reprimands aren’t going to do anything but probably make him dig his feet in harder. What she can do is step back, lay off, and let him "own" this himself. I purposely did not suggest that she rush in to try to compensate for the vaccuum that he created. I also didn’t suggest she pick up the slack and let him get off the hook for his responsibilities. I think she should expect him to spend time with his daughter – no matter how he feels. She can certainly suggest to him that he act as if he loves her. I suspect time alone with her, handling the daily caregiving, perhaps ferrying her to sports practice or helping her with her homework, will work magic. He will get a chance to know his daughter better, and grow in his own confidence as a parent. This might allow them to find a way to connect, to form a bond over mutual interests. And will give him the experience to gradually discover that his daughter is a unique individual, not his sister reborn. And heck, if there are personality quirks that he doesn’t like, well, he may come to the realization that he can use his parental influence and take steps to improve upon some of the worse behaviors he didn’t like about his sister. It’s still early. Meanwhile, the OP has it within her control to teach her child how to handle such relationships. This is a valuable lesson we need to teach our children: how to get along with people who may be less agreeable, but with whom we can’t simply walk away. She can also encourage her child to form strong bonds with male relatives who are more demonstrative with their love. Even the best parents can’t provide all the love a child needs to grow; I think kids need many supplemental parent figures in their lives as back-ups. My kids have quite a few, including DF, their step-mom, their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and several close girlfriends of mine. Anyway, all I know is, if the OP gets divorced, and remarries a more loving man, her daughter is *still* going to struggle with this relationship and grow up wanting more from her dad. It’s not going to solve anything. It may even make it harder, if dad disappears from the picture entirely. jen

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -"Jane" <janejanej…@jane.com> wrote in message <news:2hk4sdFe2ltbU1@uni-berlin.de>… > "shinypenny" <shinypenny0…@yahoo.com> wrote in message > news:c8cb5319.0405260955.6bd33986@posting.google.com… > > The best thing you can do for your DD is keep your mouth shut about > > this, step back, and let your husband and your DD manage their own > > relationship. This is not for you to solve or fix. Be patient, give it > > time and plenty of room. You can’t predict how this will play out over > > the long haul. > THANK YOU. I am hoping that in the long term, when she becomes and adult > that he will find it easier to relate to her. My own mother never said she > loved me or hugged me as a child and was very distant. Things were tough for > a while when I was a teen, but now we get on ok, talk everyday on the phone. > > One of the best pieces of advise my mother gave me, when I was young > > and my kids were younger, is that you have the children you have for a > > reason. Their unique personalities are what they are because they are > > intended as a challenge for personal growth. Your husband, like it or > > not, is going to learn that someday. He can’t hide away from this > > challenge forever. His daughter will very likely push the issue all on > > her own someday, and in her own way, a way perfectly suited to coax > > your husband into changing on his own, with no help from you required. > > Your interference, no matter how well intended, probably will only > > prevent the issue from coming to a crux. > > Meanwhile, don’t bend over too far backwards trying to fill the > > missing love you think your daughter isn’t getting from her dad. The > > more you do this, the less incentive for your daughter to reach out to > > her dad and ask for it herself, and less incentive for your husband to > > step up the bat and confront his own withdrawal and the reasons behind > > them.

Sorry Jen.  It is NOT an 8 year old’s responsibility to ask for love from a parent.  It is the parent who is supposed to be the parent (her father).  He might not feel particularly loving toward his daughter, but if he was big enough to get you pregnant, then he needs to suck it up and be big enough to at least act like he loves her.  This issue is really pushing buttons for me for some reason.  It seems that someposters are actually blaming you, and then others are pushing for you to stay married to the guy.  I don’t think that anyone is putting your daughter on the top of this list and for some reason that is urking me. Children do not ask to be born.  Children should not be abused.  Part of abuse is ignorning or neglecting children.  Not loving a child or wanting that child in your life is neglect.  I don’t understand how this subject can be taken so lightly.  I also don’t understand how most posters are responding in a way that suggests that someday he will come around.  Or some day she will come around.  The issue is now.  Her past 8 years are done, does that mean spend another 10 years assuming that all will work out? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Yes, this is HIS problem not mine. I think I am going to step back and let > him deal with it in his own way.

Response:

On 26 May 2004 16:03:14 -0700, care…@msn.com (Caren) wrote: >Jenny, are you married?  Do you have any children?

Married, no children.  We aren’t going to have children. Jenny

Response:

On 26 May 2004 16:03:14 -0700, care…@msn.com (Caren) wrote: >Jenny, are you married?  Do you have any children?

Whoops, hit send too soon.  I’m married without children.  I’m also the only child of divorced parents; they divorced when I was two.   Jenny

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Caren wrote: > "Jane" <janejanej…@jane.com> wrote in message > <news:2hk4sdFe2ltbU1@uni-berlin.de>… >> "shinypenny" <shinypenny0…@yahoo.com> wrote in message >> news:c8cb5319.0405260955.6bd33986@posting.google.com… >>> The best thing you can do for your DD is keep your mouth shut about >>> this, step back, and let your husband and your DD manage their own >>> relationship. This is not for you to solve or fix. Be patient, give it >>> time and plenty of room. You can’t predict how this will play out over >>> the long haul. >> THANK YOU. I am hoping that in the long term, when she becomes and adult >> that he will find it easier to relate to her. My own mother never said she >> loved me or hugged me as a child and was very distant. Things were tough for >> a while when I was a teen, but now we get on ok, talk everyday on the phone. >>> One of the best pieces of advise my mother gave me, when I was young >>> and my kids were younger, is that you have the children you have for a >>> reason. Their unique personalities are what they are because they are >>> intended as a challenge for personal growth. Your husband, like it or >>> not, is going to learn that someday. He can’t hide away from this >>> challenge forever. His daughter will very likely push the issue all on >>> her own someday, and in her own way, a way perfectly suited to coax >>> your husband into changing on his own, with no help from you required. >>> Your interference, no matter how well intended, probably will only >>> prevent the issue from coming to a crux. >>> Meanwhile, don’t bend over too far backwards trying to fill the >>> missing love you think your daughter isn’t getting from her dad. The >>> more you do this, the less incentive for your daughter to reach out to >>> her dad and ask for it herself, and less incentive for your husband to >>> step up the bat and confront his own withdrawal and the reasons behind >>> them. > Sorry Jen.  It is NOT an 8 year old’s responsibility to ask for love > from a parent.  It is the parent who is supposed to be the parent (her > father).  He might not feel particularly loving toward his daughter, > but if he was big enough to get you pregnant, then he needs to suck it > up and be big enough to at least act like he loves her.  This issue is > really pushing buttons for me for some reason.  It seems that > someposters are actually blaming you, and then others are pushing for > you to stay married to the guy.  I don’t think that anyone is putting > your daughter on the top of this list and for some reason that is > urking me. > Children do not ask to be born.  Children should not be abused.  Part > of abuse is ignorning or neglecting children.  Not loving a child or > wanting that child in your life is neglect.  I don’t understand how > this subject can be taken so lightly.  I also don’t understand how > most posters are responding in a way that suggests that someday he > will come around.  Or some day she will come around.  The issue is > now.  Her past 8 years are done, does that mean spend another 10 years > assuming that all will work out?

Because they are totally clueless?    Because they don’t understand what the effects of this will be?   Question answered….

Response:

Caren <care…@msn.com> wrote: > She is going to need some positive and loving male role models > available to her at some point, sooner, rather than later.

This is a good point.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Caren wrote: > "Chrys" <notarealaddr…@lycos.com> wrote in message > <news:2hjokiFdt990U1@uni-berlin.de>… >> "Jane" <janejanej…@jane.com> wrote in message >> news:2hj5fnFdpad9U1@uni-berlin.de… >>> What do I do? I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with >>> him. But I also love my daughter and would do anything to keep her happy. >>> Will staying with her father be more damaging that leaving and bringing her >>> up alone in a 100% loving household, instead of a 50% one? My husband has >>> made it clear he is not interested in changing or counselling as he says he >>> cant change. >>> I have no one to turn too. If I stay telling friends or family that my >>> husband doesn’t love our DD they will think he is some kind of monster. >>> I have no idea what to do. I know my husbands feelings aren’t under my >>> control. What can I do to do the best for my DD? >> At the least you can get yourself in counseling to try to deal with this >> even if he refuses.  This seems very serious to me, and if he doesn’t want >> to even make an effort, then he does seem like a monster to me.  He should >> see that this is totally wrong and that he needs to do anything he can to >> fix it. > I agree.  Your daughter is destined to have issues, most likely with > men.  Get yourself into counseling and figure out with a professional, > if it is worth staying with this man.  The way it stands, you’ll have > to figure out how to be a good mother and father to your daughter. > She is going to need some positive and loving male role models > available to her at some point, sooner, rather than later. > If you can’t get your husband into counseling, that in itself states a > loud message to you.  He doesn’t love his daughter, his own flesh and > blood.  He won’t go to counseling.  Hmmmmmm, it’s difficult to not > judge this man.  Don’t wait for him to change.  YOU must figure out > how to deal with this issue in order to advocate for your daughter. > Much luck to you!  I do feel awful for you but your daughter….my > heart goes out to her.  I grew up with a father who I sort of knew > loved me, but he never said it, showed it or expressed it in any way > other than buying me things from time to time.  He was also rarely > home.  I do know that it impacted my self esteem and male issues.  And > that’s WITH feeling like in his way that he loved me! > Girls really need their dads (healthy ones, that is.)

And I wonder why this seems to be so much more critical (for healthy development) than the converse – (that boys really need their moms)?      Or is that even so?

Response:

"Bill in Co." <surly5curmudg…@earthlink.net> wrote in message news:oY6tc.11791$Tn6.999@newsread1.news.pas.earthlink.net… > And I wonder why this seems to be so much more critical (for healthy > development) than the converse – (that boys really need their moms)? Or > is that even so?

It would appear they do.  There is some evidence that my mother’s lack of physical affection for me as well as other aspects of a rigid parenting style then in vogue were, shall we say, not positive factors in my development? Ted

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -poetlari…@yahoo.kom (Jennifer) wrote in message <news:07fb64784fe3964397ffa625e27b702f@news.teranews.com>… > On Wed, 26 May 2004 10:14:36 +0100, "Jane" <janejanej…@jane.com> > wrote: > >What do I do? I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with > >him. But I also love my daughter and would do anything to keep her happy. > >Will staying with her father be more damaging that leaving and bringing her > >up alone in a 100% loving household, instead of a 50% one? My husband has > >made it clear he is not interested in changing or counselling > Is your daughter unhappy, or are you projecting that onto her?  Sounds > like, of the three of you, you’re the unhappy one.  That 100%–50% > thing – if you left her father she would only live with her mother – > i.e., 50 % of her parents, so that doesn’t make much sense to me.  And > a divorce when a child is 8 is a tough thing.   > You said you want to be with him forever – she’ll grow up and move out > in ten years, then you have forever.  Has your daughter said anything > to you about her dad behaving differently than other dads?  To her, > this is her dad.  To you, he’s a great guy you said.   > He’s happy.  You aren’t.  He isn’t interested in changing – you’re > interested in changing him.  The onus isn’t on him to change for you. > Then I wonder how much of your other statements are true–that you > love him and want to be w/him forever–if this issue is, for you, a > dealbreaker?  It’s a different him you’re speaking of, one who has > changed in a way you find quite major.  Do you love, and what to be > with, this person forever?  The guy who doesn’t want to see a > counselor?   > I don’t think you can force someone to love someone else.  I think > you’ve got to decide whether or not you want him to be your husband. > You haven’t described any acting out on your daughter’s part – in > school, at home – you’ve described only your own upset and wanting > your husband to change, which he doesn’t want to do. > Jenny

Jenny, are you married?  Do you have any children?

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -"Chrys" <notarealaddr…@lycos.com> wrote in message <news:2hjokiFdt990U1@uni-berlin.de>… > "Jane" <janejanej…@jane.com> wrote in message > news:2hj5fnFdpad9U1@uni-berlin.de… > > What do I do? I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life >  with > > him. But I also love my daughter and would do anything to keep her >  happy. > > Will staying with her father be more damaging that leaving and bringing >  her > > up alone in a 100% loving household, instead of a 50% one? My husband >  has > > made it clear he is not interested in changing or counselling as he says >  he > > cant change. > > I have no one to turn too. If I stay telling friends or family that my > > husband doesn’t love our DD they will think he is some kind of monster. >  I > > have no idea what to do. I know my husbands feelings aren’t under my > > control. What can I do to do the best for my DD? > At the least you can get yourself in counseling to try to deal with this > even if he refuses.  This seems very serious to me, and if he doesn’t want > to even make an effort, then he does seem like a monster to me.  He should > see that this is totally wrong and that he needs to do anything he can to > fix it.

I agree.  Your daughter is destined to have issues, most likely with men.  Get yourself into counseling and figure out with a professional, if it is worth staying with this man.  The way it stands, you’ll have to figure out how to be a good mother and father to your daughter. She is going to need some positive and loving male role models available to her at some point, sooner, rather than later. If you can’t get your husband into counseling, that in itself states a loud message to you.  He doesn’t love his daughter, his own flesh and blood.  He won’t go to counseling.  Hmmmmmm, it’s difficult to not judge this man.  Don’t wait for him to change.  YOU must figure out how to deal with this issue in order to advocate for your daughter. Much luck to you!  I do feel awful for you but your daughter….my heart goes out to her.  I grew up with a father who I sort of knew loved me, but he never said it, showed it or expressed it in any way other than buying me things from time to time.  He was also rarely home.  I do know that it impacted my self esteem and male issues.  And that’s WITH feeling like in his way that he loved me!  Girls really need their dads (healthy ones, that is.)

Response:

"Jane" <janejanej…@jane.com> wrote in message

news:2hj5fnFdpad9U1@uni-berlin.de… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> What do I do? I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with > him. But I also love my daughter and would do anything to keep her happy. > Will staying with her father be more damaging that leaving and bringing her > up alone in a 100% loving household, instead of a 50% one? My husband has > made it clear he is not interested in changing or counselling as he says he > cant change. > I have no one to turn too. If I stay telling friends or family that my > husband doesn’t love our DD they will think he is some kind of monster. I > have no idea what to do. I know my husbands feelings aren’t under my > control. What can I do to do the best for my DD?

At the least you can get yourself in counseling to try to deal with this even if he refuses.  This seems very serious to me, and if he doesn’t want to even make an effort, then he does seem like a monster to me.  He should see that this is totally wrong and that he needs to do anything he can to fix it.

Response:

On Wed, 26 May 2004 10:14:36 +0100, "Jane" <janejanej…@jane.com> wrote: >What do I do? I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with >him. But I also love my daughter and would do anything to keep her happy. >Will staying with her father be more damaging that leaving and bringing her >up alone in a 100% loving household, instead of a 50% one? My husband has >made it clear he is not interested in changing or counselling

Is your daughter unhappy, or are you projecting that onto her?  Sounds like, of the three of you, you’re the unhappy one.  That 100%–50% thing – if you left her father she would only live with her mother – i.e., 50 % of her parents, so that doesn’t make much sense to me.  And a divorce when a child is 8 is a tough thing.   You said you want to be with him forever – she’ll grow up and move out in ten years, then you have forever.  Has your daughter said anything to you about her dad behaving differently than other dads?  To her, this is her dad.  To you, he’s a great guy you said.   He’s happy.  You aren’t.  He isn’t interested in changing – you’re interested in changing him.  The onus isn’t on him to change for you. Then I wonder how much of your other statements are true–that you love him and want to be w/him forever–if this issue is, for you, a dealbreaker?  It’s a different him you’re speaking of, one who has changed in a way you find quite major.  Do you love, and what to be with, this person forever?  The guy who doesn’t want to see a counselor?   I don’t think you can force someone to love someone else.  I think you’ve got to decide whether or not you want him to be your husband. You haven’t described any acting out on your daughter’s part – in school, at home – you’ve described only your own upset and wanting your husband to change, which he doesn’t want to do. Jenny

Response:

1. First, his emotions about the child should not dictate his actions. He should really try more to interact more, even if his heart isn’t in it. Just like 2 married people should work things out, even if they both feel "blah" about the marriage. 2. Don’t yell or accuse or blame him for anything, that will just make things worse. Instead encourage him to do more things with your daughter. 3. Things could be a lot worse than having your husband be neutral towards your daughter. Be thankful for what you have. On Wed, 26 May 2004 10:14:36 +0100 in article <2hj5fnFdpad…@uni-berlin.de>, janejanej…@jane.com spoke thusly… > What do I do? I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with > him. But I also love my daughter and would do anything to keep her happy. > Will staying with her father be more damaging that leaving and bringing her > up alone in a 100% loving household, instead of a 50% one? My husband has > made it clear he is not interested in changing or counselling as he says he > cant change.

I believe (and I think research supports this) that when a person has BOTH parents in the house, they are MUCH better off than living in a broken family. > I have no one to turn too. If I stay telling friends or family that my > husband doesn’t love our DD they will think he is some kind of monster. I > have no idea what to do. I know my husbands feelings aren’t under my > control. What can I do to do the best for my DD?

Don’t tell your friends or family about this, it is a private matter that can be resolved by both of you. It really isn’t none of their business, especially since they WILL assume he is some kind of monster, and that will make things worse also. — Say no to fixed width tables. They look terrible in all browsers.

Response:

"Jennifer" <poetlari…@yahoo.kom> wrote in message

news:07fb64784fe3964397ffa625e27b702f@news.teranews.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> On Wed, 26 May 2004 10:14:36 +0100, "Jane" <janejanej…@jane.com> > wrote: > >What do I do? I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with > >him. But I also love my daughter and would do anything to keep her happy. > >Will staying with her father be more damaging that leaving and bringing her > >up alone in a 100% loving household, instead of a 50% one? My husband has > >made it clear he is not interested in changing or counselling > Is your daughter unhappy, or are you projecting that onto her?  Sounds > like, of the three of you, you’re the unhappy one.  That 100%–50% > thing – if you left her father she would only live with her mother – > i.e., 50 % of her parents, so that doesn’t make much sense to me.  And > a divorce when a child is 8 is a tough thing. > You said you want to be with him forever – she’ll grow up and move out > in ten years, then you have forever.  Has your daughter said anything > to you about her dad behaving differently than other dads?  To her, > this is her dad.  To you, he’s a great guy you said. > He’s happy.  You aren’t.  He isn’t interested in changing – you’re > interested in changing him.  The onus isn’t on him to change for you. > Then I wonder how much of your other statements are true–that you > love him and want to be w/him forever–if this issue is, for you, a > dealbreaker?  It’s a different him you’re speaking of, one who has > changed in a way you find quite major.  Do you love, and what to be > with, this person forever?  The guy who doesn’t want to see a > counselor? > I don’t think you can force someone to love someone else.  I think > you’ve got to decide whether or not you want him to be your husband. > You haven’t described any acting out on your daughter’s part – in > school, at home – you’ve described only your own upset and wanting > your husband to change, which he doesn’t want to do. > Jenny

That may be good advice. I do not know. I know, for myself, I could never live with a person who could with-hold his love from the child he helped to create. Now the OP did not say that. I also wonder about folks assesment that the child is not going to be hurt by Dad’s lack of love. Now, separating may not mitigate that much. But at least she wouldn’t have to SEE it day in and day out.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -"Jane" <janejanej…@jane.com> wrote in message <news:2hj5fnFdpad9U1@uni-berlin.de>… > My husband has always had a distant relationship with our 8 year old only > child. I thought it was because she was a girl and also that he didn’t like > the baby and toddler stage. recently things have gotten a lot worse and he > hardly says two words to her. I confronted him about this, saying he really > had to start pulling his finger out and to try and take an active part in > her life. His reply really shocked me. He says he just doesn’t love our > daughter and has no interest in having relationship with her. > As you can imagine, I am devastated. In all other ways he is a good man. We > have a good relationship and he shows me lots of affection, love and > cuddles, but not to our daughter. He is not cruel or mean to her, he is just > not interested in her life. > The thing that angers me most is that we choose to have a child. He actually > wanted a child more than I did. I told him he has a responsibility to get > over himself and try to build a relationship with her. He says he just cant. > he has a terrible relationship with his sister and he says that she reminds > him of her and that his why he feels he cant relate to her. I told him that > any similarity our DD has to his family come from HIS genes and that our DD > is NOT his sister. > What do I do? I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with > him. But I also love my daughter and would do anything to keep her happy. > Will staying with her father be more damaging that leaving and bringing her > up alone in a 100% loving household, instead of a 50% one? My husband has > made it clear he is not interested in changing or counselling as he says he > cant change. > I have no one to turn too. If I stay telling friends or family that my > husband doesn’t love our DD they will think he is some kind of monster. I > have no idea what to do. I know my husbands feelings aren’t under my > control. What can I do to do the best for my DD?

The best thing you can do for your DD is keep your mouth shut about this, step back, and let your husband and your DD manage their own relationship. This is not for you to solve or fix. Be patient, give it time and plenty of room. You can’t predict how this will play out over the long haul. One of the best pieces of advise my mother gave me, when I was young and my kids were younger, is that you have the children you have for a reason. Their unique personalities are what they are because they are intended as a challenge for personal growth. Your husband, like it or not, is going to learn that someday. He can’t hide away from this challenge forever. His daughter will very likely push the issue all on her own someday, and in her own way, a way perfectly suited to coax your husband into changing on his own, with no help from you required. Your interference, no matter how well intended, probably will only prevent the issue from coming to a crux. Meanwhile, don’t bend over too far backwards trying to fill the missing love you think your daughter isn’t getting from her dad. The more you do this, the less incentive for your daughter to reach out to her dad and ask for it herself, and less incentive for your husband to step up the bat and confront his own withdrawal and the reasons behind them. jen

Response:

"shinypenny" <shinypenny0…@yahoo.com> wrote in message

news:c8cb5319.0405260955.6bd33986@posting.google.com… > The best thing you can do for your DD is keep your mouth shut about > this, step back, and let your husband and your DD manage their own > relationship. This is not for you to solve or fix. Be patient, give it > time and plenty of room. You can’t predict how this will play out over > the long haul.

THANK YOU. I am hoping that in the long term, when she becomes and adult that he will find it easier to relate to her. My own mother never said she loved me or hugged me as a child and was very distant. Things were tough for a while when I was a teen, but now we get on ok, talk everyday on the phone. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> One of the best pieces of advise my mother gave me, when I was young > and my kids were younger, is that you have the children you have for a > reason. Their unique personalities are what they are because they are > intended as a challenge for personal growth. Your husband, like it or > not, is going to learn that someday. He can’t hide away from this > challenge forever. His daughter will very likely push the issue all on > her own someday, and in her own way, a way perfectly suited to coax > your husband into changing on his own, with no help from you required. > Your interference, no matter how well intended, probably will only > prevent the issue from coming to a crux. > Meanwhile, don’t bend over too far backwards trying to fill the > missing love you think your daughter isn’t getting from her dad. The > more you do this, the less incentive for your daughter to reach out to > her dad and ask for it herself, and less incentive for your husband to > step up the bat and confront his own withdrawal and the reasons behind > them.

Yes, this is HIS problem not mine. I think I am going to step back and let him deal with it in his own way.

Response:

On Wed, 26 May 2004 19:04:34 +0100, Jane <janejanej…@jane.com> wrote: > "Jennifer" <poetlari…@yahoo.kom> wrote in message > news:07fb64784fe3964397ffa625e27b702f@news.teranews.com…

<Snip> >> You said you want to be with him forever – she’ll grow up and move out >> in ten years, then you have forever.  Has your daughter said anything >> to you about her dad behaving differently than other dads?  To her, >> this is her dad.  To you, he’s a great guy you said. > Yes, to her, her Dad is "normal".  It just hurts me when I am with friends > and the Dads are playing with their kids, missing them, wanting to spend > time with their kids.

I know that it’s very frustrating to me when I get compared to a certain friend of my daughter’s dad.  He is with her all the time, he is a "scoutmaster" for her girl scout troop.  He coordinates all kinds of things for her, and is always "in her life". Also, he divorced her mom, who subsequently got sick and died (not from being divorced). But he seems like the quintissential "good dad", and I have a difficult time relating to my daughters.  If women are incomprehensible, teenaged girls are orders of magnitude worse.  But I love them both to death, but I might not show it in a way they understand it.  Part of the way I show it is setting down rules, providing for them and protecting them as best I can. >> He’s happy.  You aren’t.  He isn’t interested in changing – you’re >> interested in changing him.  The onus isn’t on him to change for you. >> Then I wonder how much of your other statements are true–that you >> love him and want to be w/him forever–if this issue is, for you, a >> dealbreaker?  It’s a different him you’re speaking of, one who has >> changed in a way you find quite major.  Do you love, and what to be >> with, this person forever?  The guy who doesn’t want to see a >> counsellor? > I don’t know if it’s a dealbreaker. If I could guarantee that my daughter > will be unaffected by this, well then to me there is no problem. I am just > worried that it will have some devastating effect on her, and I will be the > one to blame for not getting out of the marriage.

Or he might discover when his daughter is 14, that she’s turning into a pretty cool young woman who seeks him out for advice that he will be happy to impart.  Would you want to be responsible for a divorce if your husband and daughter were destined (after this rough patch) to be best friends? >> I don’t think you can force someone to love someone else.  I think >> you’ve got to decide whether or not you want him to be your husband. >> You haven’t described any acting out on your daughter’s part – in >> school, at home – you’ve described only your own upset and wanting >> your husband to change, which he doesn’t want to do. > She doesn’t act out and is a well-rounded very happy child. My husband isn’t > violent, nasty or aggressive. His own father was distant and aggressive with > him, and I wonder if this is where it comes from. His father seems to have > mellowed in his old age and he is very loving towards his granddaughter in > ways that my husband says, he never was with him or his sister. I don’t feel > he had a positive father role model. I honestly believe him when he says he > doesn’t know how to love her.

And here is the crux of the problem.  I have had a difficult time in the past relating to my daughters.  I had a difficult time cutting my young children some slack.  But there is no parenting manual, you have to get your arms wet up to the elbows just *doing* it. Could your husband see your daughter as a competetor for your time and attention?  Have you been neglecting your husband to "make up" the time to your daughter? -Tony — "If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it’s time to fertilize your lawn!" Want to jump start your marriage?  Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend. Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

Response:

"Jane" <janejanej…@jane.com> wrote in message

news:2hk4hcFe3jgmU1@uni-berlin.de… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> "Jennifer" <poetlari…@yahoo.kom> wrote in message > news:07fb64784fe3964397ffa625e27b702f@news.teranews.com… > > Is your daughter unhappy, or are you projecting that onto her?  Sounds > > like, of the three of you, you’re the unhappy one.  That 100%–50% > > thing – if you left her father she would only live with her mother – > > i.e., 50 % of her parents, so that doesn’t make much sense to me.  And > > a divorce when a child is 8 is a tough thing. > She is not unhappy as far as I can tell. I agree that a divorce at 8 would > be devastating for her. It would also be devastating for me and her Dad, as > we love each other. > > You said you want to be with him forever – she’ll grow up and move out > > in ten years, then you have forever.  Has your daughter said anything > > to you about her dad behaving differently than other dads?  To her, > > this is her dad.  To you, he’s a great guy you said. > Yes, to her, her Dad is "normal".  It just hurts me when I am with friends > and the Dads are playing with their kids, missing them, wanting to spend > time with their kids. > > He’s happy.  You aren’t.  He isn’t interested in changing – you’re > > interested in changing him.  The onus isn’t on him to change for you. > > Then I wonder how much of your other statements are true–that you > > love him and want to be w/him forever–if this issue is, for you, a > > dealbreaker?  It’s a different him you’re speaking of, one who has > > changed in a way you find quite major.  Do you love, and what to be > > with, this person forever?  The guy who doesn’t want to see a > > counsellor? > I don’t know if it’s a dealbreaker. If I could guarantee that my daughter > will be unaffected by this, well then to me there is no problem. I am just > worried that it will have some devastating effect on her, and I will be the > one to blame for not getting out of the marriage.

He sounds kind of like my own father.  He was distant and we never had a relationship.  Although I missed having a relationship with him, I’m sure it was better having my parents together.  They loved each other so I did have that role model of what a good marriage is supposed to be like.  I would not have had that if they had divorced.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Chrys wrote: > "Jane" <janejanej…@jane.com> wrote in message > news:2hj5fnFdpad9U1@uni-berlin.de… >> What do I do? I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with >> him. But I also love my daughter and would do anything to keep her happy. >> Will staying with her father be more damaging that leaving and bringing her >> up alone in a 100% loving household, instead of a 50% one? My husband has >> made it clear he is not interested in changing or counselling as he says he >> cant change. >> I have no one to turn too. If I stay telling friends or family that my >> husband doesn’t love our DD they will think he is some kind of monster. I >> have no idea what to do. I know my husbands feelings aren’t under my >> control. What can I do to do the best for my DD? >  This seems very serious to me, and if he doesn’t want > to even make an effort, then he does seem like a monster to me.  He should > see that this is totally wrong and that he needs to do anything he can to > fix it.

I agree with you, Chrys.    It all sounds so Pathetically Tragic.    To feel this way about your own child???    There is NO acceptable excuse for this behavior in a parent.   He does, indeed, seem like a monster.

Response:

"Ignoramus29645" <ignoramus29…@NOSPAM.29645.invalid> wrote in message

news:c92mhb$mda$0@pita.alt.net… > People tend to repeat what they witnessed in childhood. I happen to > have a father who was very involved, and I am relatively involved as > well, due to this reason. > As I said before, do not do anything radical and stupid and do not > push the issue. I cannot see anything that could be improved by a > divorce.

Neither can I. Thank you.

Response:

"Jennifer" <poetlari…@yahoo.kom> wrote in message

news:07fb64784fe3964397ffa625e27b702f@news.teranews.com… > Is your daughter unhappy, or are you projecting that onto her?  Sounds > like, of the three of you, you’re the unhappy one.  That 100%–50% > thing – if you left her father she would only live with her mother – > i.e., 50 % of her parents, so that doesn’t make much sense to me.  And > a divorce when a child is 8 is a tough thing.

She is not unhappy as far as I can tell. I agree that a divorce at 8 would be devastating for her. It would also be devastating for me and her Dad, as we love each other. > You said you want to be with him forever – she’ll grow up and move out > in ten years, then you have forever.  Has your daughter said anything > to you about her dad behaving differently than other dads?  To her, > this is her dad.  To you, he’s a great guy you said.

Yes, to her, her Dad is "normal".  It just hurts me when I am with friends and the Dads are playing with their kids, missing them, wanting to spend time with their kids. > He’s happy.  You aren’t.  He isn’t interested in changing – you’re > interested in changing him.  The onus isn’t on him to change for you. > Then I wonder how much of your other statements are true–that you > love him and want to be w/him forever–if this issue is, for you, a > dealbreaker?  It’s a different him you’re speaking of, one who has > changed in a way you find quite major.  Do you love, and what to be > with, this person forever?  The guy who doesn’t want to see a > counsellor?

I don’t know if it’s a dealbreaker. If I could guarantee that my daughter will be unaffected by this, well then to me there is no problem. I am just worried that it will have some devastating effect on her, and I will be the one to blame for not getting out of the marriage. > I don’t think you can force someone to love someone else.  I think > you’ve got to decide whether or not you want him to be your husband. > You haven’t described any acting out on your daughter’s part – in > school, at home – you’ve described only your own upset and wanting > your husband to change, which he doesn’t want to do.

She doesn’t act out and is a well-rounded very happy child. My husband isn’t violent, nasty or aggressive. His own father was distant and aggressive with him, and I wonder if this is where it comes from. His father seems to have mellowed in his old age and he is very loving towards his granddaughter in ways that my husband says, he never was with him or his sister. I don’t feel he had a positive father role model. I honestly believe him when he says he doesn’t know how to love her.

Response:

My husband has always had a distant relationship with our 8 year old only child. I thought it was because she was a girl and also that he didn’t like the baby and toddler stage. recently things have gotten a lot worse and he hardly says two words to her. I confronted him about this, saying he really had to start pulling his finger out and to try and take an active part in her life. His reply really shocked me. He says he just doesn’t love our daughter and has no interest in having relationship with her. As you can imagine, I am devastated. In all other ways he is a good man. We have a good relationship and he shows me lots of affection, love and cuddles, but not to our daughter. He is not cruel or mean to her, he is just not interested in her life. The thing that angers me most is that we choose to have a child. He actually wanted a child more than I did. I told him he has a responsibility to get over himself and try to build a relationship with her. He says he just cant. he has a terrible relationship with his sister and he says that she reminds him of her and that his why he feels he cant relate to her. I told him that any similarity our DD has to his family come from HIS genes and that our DD is NOT his sister. What do I do? I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I also love my daughter and would do anything to keep her happy. Will staying with her father be more damaging that leaving and bringing her up alone in a 100% loving household, instead of a 50% one? My husband has made it clear he is not interested in changing or counselling as he says he cant change. I have no one to turn too. If I stay telling friends or family that my husband doesn’t love our DD they will think he is some kind of monster. I have no idea what to do. I know my husbands feelings aren’t under my control. What can I do to do the best for my DD?

Response:

"Jane" <janejanej…@jane.com> wrote in message <news:2hj5fnFdpad9U1@uni-berlin.de>…

(snip) > What do I do? I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with > him. But I also love my daughter and would do anything to keep her happy. > Will staying with her father be more damaging that leaving and bringing her > up alone in a 100% loving household, instead of a 50% one? My husband has > made it clear he is not interested in changing or counselling as he says he > cant change.

He does not know he can or can’t change. Counselling should help him get his relation with his sister cleared out. That will help. In any case, it is worth a try.

Response:

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