Jeez

Question:

You know, I’ve been where you are. It stinks, I know, to always feel that way. Unfortunately, I have attempted. But, the one thing that I do want you to think about. You say you think you are gutless because you haven’t attempted. Maybe it is just the opposite. Living, and challenging yourself to get better is what really takes guts. Suicide is the gutless way out.

I’m sorry you’ve been in this place, too. I would agree with you about living and challenging myself, if I were really trying to live, trying to get better. I’m just in a limbo between life and death, really. I’m not really making myself live, and I can’t quite make myself die yet.

Response:

<< Spoiler: hypothetical talk of suicide. It’s kind of long, too…no surprise, from me. I don’t think this post is either hypocritical or too long. <I talk about the same things all the time…I talk about killing myself, have even gone so far as to describe how I would do it…so why the hell am I still here? I don’t know. Luck? Compassion for those who would be hurt by your actions? A vague desire to keep living and feel better one day? I think it takes more courage to continue living when you feel rotten than it does to end your life. <<it’s the same pattern…post a ton that doesn’t matter to anyone but me, That’s an assumption. It’s hard to know how our words affect other people. It’s especially difficult here, because it’s very easy to read a lot into people’s silences. I have read many, many posts on ASD that have affected me deeply in some way, even though I may not have responded to them. <<I’ve never even attempted…and somehow, that makes me feel like less of a person…talking about it, planning it, and never even trying it. it makes me feel guilty because I get people worried without meaning to. I understand this, I think. I’ve felt this way often about SI urges and sometimes about suicide. Somehow it feels like if I don’t act out, if I’ve not showing up for therapy with scars on my arms or ending up in the hospital after an attempt, then I don’t really mean it and I should just shut my trap. But the feelings and compulsions are real. I believe that verbalizing the feelings is one way to keep the feelings from turning into harmful actions. <<Every time it happens, I fully intend to go through with it. Yet I don’t. I don’t even try. Good. This isn’t a china shop. If you break it you don’t have to buy it. I, for one, will not be any less convinced of the intensity of your feelings just because you survive them. << each time I seem to go further with the planning thing…This time, I even wrote letters…I wrote them all out, and I thought that when I was finished I would go do it, but I couldn’t. This is serious stuff. <<I still think I will, eventually, but until then I keep crying wolf. That’s not fair to anybody here. I’m sorry…I don’t think I can make anyone understand…I don’t mean to worry people. Crying wolf is something different than what you are writing about here. Crying wolf is based in manipulation, in wanting to get a rise out of people. That’s not the same thing as posting something that is real to you, even if your hope in posting is that someone repsonds to you and helps you to feel less alone. <<I don’t know why I post at all when I’m really thinking about it. I shouldn’t. I don’t agree. If posting is helpful to you at all, even temporily, if it helps to get you through especially difficult times, then I hope you keep posting. Kelly

Response:

Kelly, First of all I really want to thank you for answering this the way you did…it gave me alot to think about. << Spoiler: hypothetical talk of suicide. It’s kind of long, too…no surprise, from me. I don’t think this post is either hypocritical or too long.

No, not hypocritical…hypothetical, meaning that I wasn’t going to do anything immediately. Most of my posts are long. Thanks for saying that, though. <I talk about the same things all the time…I talk about killing myself, have even gone so far as to describe how I would do it…so why the hell am I still here? I don’t know. Luck? Compassion for those who would be hurt by your actions? A vague desire to keep living and feel better one day? I think it takes more courage to continue living when you feel rotten than it does to end your life.

Yeah, that’s what people have told me. I don’t know…I know that I feel compassion for the people who would be hurt. I know there are alot of people depending on me for things…thats’ one of the reasons I want to do it. Too much pressure… I wrote out instructions to my family last night. one of them was not to have the kids from school involved in any type of funeral or memorial service. I don’t want them to be confronted in that way. <<it’s the same pattern…post a ton that doesn’t matter to anyone but me, That’s an assumption. It’s hard to know how our words affect other people. It’s especially difficult here, because it’s very easy to read a lot into people’s silences. I have read many, many posts on ASD that have affected me deeply in some way, even though I may not have responded to them.

Yeah, I’ve done that, too. But I also know that my posts are generally pretty self serving. <<I’ve never even attempted…and somehow, that makes me feel like less of a person…talking about it, planning it, and never even trying it. it makes me feel guilty because I get people worried without meaning to. I understand this, I think. I’ve felt this way often about SI urges and sometimes about suicide. Somehow it feels like if I don’t act out, if I’ve not showing up for therapy with scars on my arms or ending up in the hospital after an attempt, then I don’t really mean it and I should just shut my trap.

Yes. Exactly. But the feelings and compulsions are real. I believe that verbalizing the feelings is one way to keep the feelings from turning into harmful actions.

Maybe. I guess I just worry about what people think. I don’t want them to feel that I’m doing it for attention…that’s what some people IRL think, which is why I don’t talk to them anymore about it. <<Every time it happens, I fully intend to go through with it. Yet I don’t. I don’t even try. Good. This isn’t a china shop. If you break it you don’t have to buy it. I, for one, will not be any less convinced of the intensity of your feelings just because you survive them.

Thank you. << each time I seem to go further with the planning thing…This time, I even wrote letters…I wrote them all out, and I thought that when I was finished I would go do it, but I couldn’t. This is serious stuff.

I’m just very concerned with not leaving any loose ends. <<I still think I will, eventually, but until then I keep crying wolf. That’s not fair to anybody here. I’m sorry…I don’t think I can make anyone understand…I don’t mean to worry people. Crying wolf is something different than what you are writing about here. Crying wolf is based in manipulation, in wanting to get a rise out of people. That’s not the same thing as posting something that is real to you, even if your hope in posting is that someone repsonds to you and helps you to feel less alone.

I suppose this is true. I don’t post lies or anything…in fact, I have a tendency to post how I feel at practically every moment of every day. I bombard people with it, when I’m at home. <<I don’t know why I post at all when I’m really thinking about it. I shouldn’t. I don’t agree. If posting is helpful to you at all, even temporily, if it helps to get you through especially difficult times, then I hope you keep posting.

Thank you, Kelly…I dont really know if it helps. I know that, sometimes, I just feel the need to have someone know what’s going on. This is really the only place I can do that. I really appreciate your reply to me. Thank you. Angela

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Spoiler: hypothetical talk of suicide. It’s kind of long, too…no surprise, from me. I talk about the same things all the time…I talk about killing myself, have even gone so far as to describe how I would do it…so why the hell am I still here? it’s the same pattern…post a ton that doesn’t matter to anyone but me, get some kind people who reply, then realize what I’ve done and say I’m leaving…come back and say I’m planning on dying again, get replies, get people who care about me, fully intend to do it, and then change my mind because i"m gutless. It happens over and over again. it’s just a pattern…it seems i have two states of being…suicidal and near suicidal…and I vascilate between the two, depending on various factors. But I don’t have the guts. I’ve never even attempted…and somehow, that makes me feel like less of a person…talking about it, planning it, and never even trying it. it makes me feel guilty because I get people worried without meaning to. Every time it happens, I fully intend to go through with it. Yet I don’t. I don’t even try. i always get scared at the last minute, even though each time I seem to go further with the planning thing…This time, I even wrote letters…I wrote them all out, and I thought that when I was finished I would go do it, but I couldn’t. I still think I will, eventually, but until then I keep crying wolf. That’s not fair to anybody here. I’m sorry…I don’t think I can make anyone understand…I don’t mean to worry people. I don’t know why I post at all when I’m really thinking about it. I shouldn’t.

Response:

Spoiler: hypothetical talk of suicide. It’s kind of long, too…no surprise, from me. I talk about the same things all the time…I talk about killing myself, have even gone so far as to describe how I would do it…so why the hell am I still here? it’s the same pattern…post a ton that doesn’t matter to anyone but me, get some kind people who reply, then realize what I’ve done and say I’m leaving…come back and say I’m planning on dying again, get replies, get people who care about me, fully intend to do it, and then change my mind because i"m gutless. It happens over and over again. it’s just a pattern…it seems i have two states of being…suicidal and near suicidal…and I vascilate between the two, depending on various factors. But I don’t have the guts. I’ve never even attempted…and somehow, that makes me feel like less of a person…talking about it, planning it, and never even trying it. it makes me feel guilty because I get people worried without meaning to. Every time it happens, I fully intend to go through with it. Yet I don’t. I don’t even try. i always get scared at the last minute, even though each time I seem to go further with the planning thing…This time, I even wrote letters…I wrote them all out, and I thought that when I was finished I would go do it, but I couldn’t. I still think I will, eventually, but until then I keep crying wolf. That’s not fair to anybody here. I’m sorry…I don’t think I can make anyone understand…I don’t mean to worry people. I don’t know why I post at all when I’m really thinking about it. I shouldn’t.

Response:

so? maybe that should be your challenge then Rather than the opposite.

It’s too much.Too many things need work. Thanks.

Response:

so? maybe that should be your challenge then Rather than the opposite. — Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most!

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – You know, I’ve been where you are. It stinks, I know, to always feel that way. Unfortunately, I have attempted. But, the one thing that I do want you to think about. You say you think you are gutless because you haven’t attempted. Maybe it is just the opposite. Living, and challenging yourself to get better is what really takes guts. Suicide is the gutless way out. I’m sorry you’ve been in this place, too. I would agree with you about living and challenging myself, if I were really trying to live, trying to get better. I’m just in a limbo between life and death, really. I’m not really making myself live, and I can’t quite make myself die yet.

Response:

<< Kelly, First of all I really want to thank you for answering this the way you did…it gave me alot to think about. No problem. Your post gave me a lot to think about.

Well…I guess that’s good. No, not hypocritical…hypothetical, meaning that I wasn’t going to do anything immediately. Duh, sorry about that. I’ve been doing a lot of online reading in the past couple of days, and my eyes are a little crossed.

No, that’s ok. I’m reading term papers right now so I can understand that. <<I don’t know…I know that I feel compassion for the people who would be hurt. I know there are alot of people depending on me for things…thats’ one of the reasons I want to do it. Too much pressure… I wasn’t trying to put any more pressure on you.

I know you weren’t. It’s ok. <<Yeah, I’ve done that, too. But I also know that my posts are generally pretty self serving. Everybody’s posts are self-serving in certain respects. Really. I think that what you mean is that it feels wrong to post things that are about you and your needs. Some of us are trained to think that it’s wrong to call attention to ourselves, or ask for help or validation, or tell people what we’re really thinking. I don’t think it’s wrong, if done with respect.

Yeah, it’s something like that. It does feel wrong. It feels like I should have it all together, like I should be in control. Lately, I just can’t be. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – << each time I seem to go further with the planning thing… This time, I even wrote letters…I wrote them all out, and I thought that when I was finished I would go do it, but I couldn’t. This is serious stuff. I’m just very concerned with not leaving any loose ends. You know what I think? I think that people who are depressed should at all costs avoid tying up loose ends. I think you should rip up all the letters and instructions. If having messy dresser drawers I wouldn’t want anybody to see or not having resolved things with a loved one are things that will make me hesitate before acting when I’m out of my head some night, then I’m gonna hang onto those things. I think you should too.

I can’t do that. I need for these things to be done. I need to feel like I’ve taken care of everything, in everything I do. No loose ends with anything I plan…parties, school events…it all has to be right and perfectly organized. I understand what you’re saying, but I really feel this stuff has to be done. in fact, I have a tendency to post how I feel at practically every moment of every day. I bombard people with it, when I’m at home.< I’ve certainly never done anything like that… oh wait, I was thinking of somebody else.

heh…i’ve been good today. I’m off work, but I turned off the computer and graded some papers, without checking my mail every five minutes. Got alot done, too. Still have much more, though. Angela – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Kelly

Response:

Spoiler: hypothetical talk of suicide. << Kelly, First of all I really want to thank you for answering this the way you did…it gave me alot to think about. No problem. Your post gave me a lot to think about. I don’t think this post is either hypocritical or too long.

No, not hypocritical…hypothetical, meaning that I wasn’t going to do anything immediately. Duh, sorry about that. I’ve been doing a lot of online reading in the past couple of days, and my eyes are a little crossed. <<I don’t know…I know that I feel compassion for the people who would be hurt. I know there are alot of people depending on me for things…thats’ one of the reasons I want to do it. Too much pressure… I wasn’t trying to put any more pressure on you. <<it’s the same pattern…post a ton that doesn’t matter to anyone but me, I have read many, many posts on ASD that have affected me deeply in some way, even though I may not have responded to them.

<<Yeah, I’ve done that, too. But I also know that my posts are generally pretty self serving. Everybody’s posts are self-serving in certain respects. Really. I think that what you mean is that it feels wrong to post things that are about you and your needs. Some of us are trained to think that it’s wrong to call attention to ourselves, or ask for help or validation, or tell people what we’re really thinking. I don’t think it’s wrong, if done with respect. << each time I seem to go further with the planning thing… This time, I even wrote letters…I wrote them all out, and I thought that when I was finished I

would go do it, but I couldn’t. This is serious stuff.

I’m just very concerned with not leaving any loose ends. You know what I think? I think that people who are depressed should at all costs avoid tying up loose ends. I think you should rip up all the letters and instructions. If having messy dresser drawers I wouldn’t want anybody to see or not having resolved things with a loved one are things that will make me hesitate before acting when I’m out of my head some night, then I’m gonna hang onto those things. I think you should too. in fact, I have a

tendency to post how I feel at practically every moment of every day. I bombard people with it, when I’m at home.< I’ve certainly never done anything like that… oh wait, I was thinking of somebody else. Kelly

Response:

I think that it’s good that you post. Maybe by putting the thoughts into words you see that the end result isn’t the answer your looking for but you never get the answer so you keep on looking. Marc

Thanks, Marc.

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Kelly, First of all I really want to thank you for answering this the way you did…it gave me alot to think about. << Spoiler: hypothetical talk of suicide. It’s kind of long, too…no surprise, from me. I don’t think this post is either hypocritical or too long. No, not hypocritical…hypothetical, meaning that I wasn’t going to do anything immediately. Most of my posts are long. Thanks for saying that, though. <I talk about the same things all the time…I talk about killing myself, have even gone so far as to describe how I would do it…so why the hell am I still here? I don’t know. Luck? Compassion for those who would be hurt by your actions? A vague desire to keep living and feel better one day? I think it takes more courage to continue living when you feel rotten than it does to end your life. Yeah, that’s what people have told me. I don’t know…I know that I feel compassion for the people who would be hurt. I know there are alot of people depending on me for things…thats’ one of the reasons I want to do it. Too much pressure… I wrote out instructions to my family last night. one of them was not to have the kids from school involved in any type of funeral or memorial service. I don’t want them to be confronted in that way. <<it’s the same pattern…post a ton that doesn’t matter to anyone but me, That’s an assumption. It’s hard to know how our words affect other people. It’s especially difficult here, because it’s very easy to read a lot into people’s silences. I have read many, many posts on ASD that have affected me deeply in some way, even though I may not have responded to them. Yeah, I’ve done that, too. But I also know that my posts are generally pretty self serving. <<I’ve never even attempted…and somehow, that makes me feel like less of a person…talking about it, planning it, and never even trying it. it makes me feel guilty because I get people worried without meaning to. I understand this, I think. I’ve felt this way often about SI urges and sometimes about suicide. Somehow it feels like if I don’t act out, if I’ve not showing up for therapy with scars on my arms or ending up in the hospital after an attempt, then I don’t really mean it and I should just shut my trap. Yes. Exactly. But the feelings and compulsions are real. I believe that verbalizing the feelings is one way to keep the feelings from turning into harmful actions. Maybe. I guess I just worry about what people think. I don’t want them to feel that I’m doing it for attention…that’s what some people IRL think, which is why I don’t talk to them anymore about it. <<Every time it happens, I fully intend to go through with it. Yet I don’t. I don’t even try. Good. This isn’t a china shop. If you break it you don’t have to buy it. I, for one, will not be any less convinced of the intensity of your feelings just because you survive them. Thank you. << each time I seem to go further with the planning thing…This time, I even wrote letters…I wrote them all out, and I thought that when I was finished I would go do it, but I couldn’t. This is serious stuff. I’m just very concerned with not leaving any loose ends. <<I still think I will, eventually, but until then I keep crying wolf. That’s not fair to anybody here. I’m sorry…I don’t think I can make anyone understand…I don’t mean to worry people. Crying wolf is something different than what you are writing about here. Crying wolf is based in manipulation, in wanting to get a rise out of people. That’s not the same thing as posting something that is real to you, even if your hope in posting is that someone repsonds to you and helps you to feel less alone. I suppose this is true. I don’t post lies or anything…in fact, I have a tendency to post how I feel at practically every moment of every day. I bombard people with it, when I’m at home. <<I don’t know why I post at all when I’m really thinking about it. I shouldn’t. I don’t agree. If posting is helpful to you at all, even temporily, if it helps to get you through especially difficult times, then I hope you keep posting. Thank you, Kelly…I dont really know if it helps. I know that, sometimes, I just feel the need to have someone know what’s going on. This is really the only place I can do that. I really appreciate your reply to me. Thank you. Angela

Response:

Permalink
In: Acting School

You online HQ for everything ACTING

Home

Act Acting

Jeez

Question:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Response:

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Recent Posts

Categories

Popular Posts