Act Acting » Acting School » JOKES, no hate mail please

JOKES, no hate mail please

Question:

a joke is a joke… please keep them coming. I look for them here.

Response:

. Ps   Here’s my last contribution:

Oh, don’t be so grouchy.  Either keep ‘em coming or at least give us the name of the ng to find them at.

Response:

Don’t go,I dread going to the joke group going thru hundreds of threads tring to find a few good and new jokes.Humor can be just what the Dr. ordered in some cases.If I didn’t want to read your jokes I would have just skipped it…….

Response:

HAHA, I’d love to stay but Jerry thinks I’m a racist, his wierd letter scared me as I thought he was The Man around here and a cool guy. How many times can we (us normal folks) say it? Just JOKES! Here we’ve got our medical probs and a laugh is good for the soul and even helps physically they say.  Do you raving ranters ever  watch tv?  Jokes about all kinds of people, groups etc. all the time. No harm intended, in fact, just the opposite! Anyway,  I’ll think it over.

Response:

Blah, blah, blah – just go and take your garbage with you. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Whoops, ok, if Big Jerry is against me, I’m gone. Too bad he and a certain number of you can’t just take a fucking joke!  For God’s sake, I didn’t write them and I don’t edit them, just cut and paste and share but good bye, you don’t deserve a fun-loving all around nice guy like me anyway. I’ll stay in the prostatitus group where I’m well-liked by more mature ladies and gents. Ps   Here’s my last contribution: When the ark’s door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice.  "There will be NO sex on this trip.  Not even the wetting of the tip of your penis.  All of you males,  take off your penis and hand it in with my sons.  I will be sitting over there and write you a receipt.  After we see land, you can get your penis back." After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his  wife’s cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said.  "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land yet." "Shit!" and out went Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you?  You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water had drained will we be able to see land.  But why are you acting so excited every day?" "Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece of paper.  "I GOT THE DONKEY’S RECEIPT!!" A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman’s apartment. "I can’t imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all." "Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she’d ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!" A blind carpenter (BC) walks into a lumber mill and shouts out     "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."     The foreman walks over to the BC and says "Your a BC, how can you work     in a lumber yard?"     The BC says "I can tell any piece of lumber by it’s smell."     The foreman says "O.K. I’ll give you a test and if you pass the test,     you’ve got a job."     The foreman takes the BC over to a table and says "I will put some     lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."  The     foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says "Ready!"     The BC bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side     to the other.  He says "That’s a number two pine, two by four, eight     foot long."     The foreman says "Duh! That’s right, but pine is easy to tell by the     smell and I think you guessed the rest."  Here’s another piece of     lumber for you to identify."  The foreman puts a piece of lumber on     the table and says "Ready!"     The BC bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side     to the other and says "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I     can smell the other side."  The foreman does this and says "Ready!"     The BC takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side.     The BC then says "That’s a clear heart red wood, four by four, six     foot long."     The foreman is amazed and says "That’s right, but I still think you’re     just lucky and still guessing.  Let me try one more time and if you     get it right you got a job."     The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help     him stump the BC by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on     the table.  (She agrees to do this because it helps the joke.)  She     takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on     the table.  The foreman says "Ready!"     The BC takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side.  He looks     puzzled and takes another sniff and says "This also is a tough one,     please turn it over so I can smell the other side."  The foreman     gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the     foreman says "Ready!"     The BC takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side again     looking puzzled.  He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says     "I got it, that’s a shit house door off a tuna boat." An Army Sgt. Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick and I’m here for a woman!"  The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best girl they have for him. Sgt. Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed.  He then says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army 30 years, and I’m a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!"  Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, I’ve been in the Army 30 years, and I’m a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE!" His penis immediately goes limp.  The prostitute still can’t get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration. The Sgt. Major again says, "I’m a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" (a raging hard-on once again), and he follows this display of prowess with the command of, "DICK, AT EASE!" (His penis goes limp once again). The prostitute still can’t believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again. The Sgt. Major shouts, "I’ve already told you honey, I’ve been  in the Army 30 years, and I’m a master of my mind and body, DICK,  ATTEN-HUN!"  His penis becomes immediately erect, and then he gives the following command, "DICK, AT EASE." The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn’t hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE!"  Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The sgt. Major is now fuming,  and says, "I’m going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!"  No luck, his  penis is still hard.   He yells, God damn it!!!", and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?" The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I’m giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!" This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the cops. The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied, "Earl." "You got a last name, Earl?" "Nope.  It’s a long story, Officer." "I got time." Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-Daa.  I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD.  I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and  became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D.  After a little more time I  fooled around with this girl and got VD.  So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD.  When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD.  The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Daa so I’m now just Earl."

Response:

I love jokes. But, I despise and deplore racist & ethnically demeaning and sexist garbage masquerading as jokes. I think the person who wrote "desperately wanting" hit the mark.  A poor sad man posting junior high school humour for the attention.

Response:

I love jokes.

No you don’t. You’re the poor sad one.. The mail is heavily in favor of me staying so, until someone in charge says no, I will.  Just don’t read them doofus.

Response:

I love jokes. No you don’t

If I were to say white you would shout black.  Actually I love jokes, they help me pay the bills. The mail is heavily in favor of me staying so, until someone in charge says no, I will.

Any racist imbecile can attract a certain number of supporters, especially, when it  is from the sideline with anonymity.  Malcom X had his supporters and David Duke has his.  I haven’t asked that you leave, only, that you excercise self-restraint and not post racist, sexist or ethnically demaning writings. Just don’t read them

I don’t any longer. But, I have responded to your remarks aimed at me and your boastful challenges to the group regarding your continued postings of garbage. doofus

OOOPS!, I erred when I characterized your "humour" and comments as being junior-high level.  My little pre-school grandson and his friends delight in calling each other "doofus". Damn, I am so ashamed.  I’ve been taking you seriously.  You’re just a mental pre-schooler. Well, anyway, my point has been made and you’ve repeatedly proven it. Way too often, probably.  You’re a pathetically ignorant sod and proud of it.  It is not my job to police the net or this NG.  I set out to challenge your racism and ignorance and to show you up for what you are.  That has been done.  To a fare thee well.  So, do as you will, and continue to sift through that pile of fecal matter you call your life and share it with the world.  Just understand that you should be very hopeful that you never utter your racist garbage in my presence in real time. As to those readers who find this all rather boring–too damn bad!  And to those who have joined me in speaking out.  Bully for you, you should be proud of yourselves.

Response:

  OOOPS!, I erred when I characterized your "humour" and comments as being junior-high level.  My little pre-school grandson and his friends delight in calling each other "doofus". Damn, I am so ashamed.  I’ve been taking you seriously.  You’re just a mental pre-schooler. You’re a pathetically ignorant sod and proud of it.  It is not my job to police the net or this NG.  I set out to challenge your racism and ignorance and to show you up for what you are.  That has been done.

Well said. I started this newsgroup; but nobody, including me, is in charge. We’re simply a group of people helping each other. As to this racists’ jokes, I’ve ignored them. It’s just a sad mark that racism still permeates the populace. The proof of his racism is in the fact that in a number of his ‘jokes’ he used a race when race wasn’t necessary. The true mark of a racists. He simply added a race because of his racist personality. You may have noted his reference of ‘many others enjoying them,’ and ‘the mail is in favor of me.’ This is a person that is insecure and unsure of himself and attempts to seek approval of others. That if somebody else show approval he feels justified. It’s why rednecks run in pairs. Watch for further references to "others like my jokes." — Jerry Sturdivant

Response:

Whoops, ok, if Big Jerry is against me, I’m gone. Too bad he and a certain number of you can’t just take a fucking joke!  For God’s sake, I didn’t write them and I don’t edit them, just cut and paste and share but good bye, you don’t deserve a fun-loving all around nice guy like me anyway. I’ll stay in the prostatitus group where I’m well-liked by more mature ladies and gents. Ps   Here’s my last contribution: When the ark’s door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.   "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice.  "There will be NO sex on this trip.  Not even the wetting of the tip of your penis.  All of you males,  take off your penis and hand it in with my sons.  I will be sitting over there and write you a receipt.  After we see land, you can get your penis back." After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his  wife’s cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said.  "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land yet."   "Shit!" and out went Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you?  You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water had drained will we be able to see land.  But why are you acting so excited every day?" "Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece of paper.  "I GOT THE DONKEY’S RECEIPT!!" A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman’s apartment. "I can’t imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all." "Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she’d ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!" A blind carpenter (BC) walks into a lumber mill and shouts out      "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."      The foreman walks over to the BC and says "Your a BC, how can you work      in a lumber yard?"      The BC says "I can tell any piece of lumber by it’s smell."      The foreman says "O.K. I’ll give you a test and if you pass the test,      you’ve got a job."      The foreman takes the BC over to a table and says "I will put some      lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."  The      foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says "Ready!"      The BC bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side      to the other.  He says "That’s a number two pine, two by four, eight      foot long."      The foreman says "Duh! That’s right, but pine is easy to tell by the      smell and I think you guessed the rest."  Here’s another piece of      lumber for you to identify."  The foreman puts a piece of lumber on      the table and says "Ready!"      The BC bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side      to the other and says "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I      can smell the other side."  The foreman does this and says "Ready!"      The BC takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side.      The BC then says "That’s a clear heart red wood, four by four, six      foot long."      The foreman is amazed and says "That’s right, but I still think you’re      just lucky and still guessing.  Let me try one more time and if you      get it right you got a job."      The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help      him stump the BC by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on      the table.  (She agrees to do this because it helps the joke.)  She      takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on      the table.  The foreman says "Ready!"      The BC takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side.  He looks      puzzled and takes another sniff and says "This also is a tough one,      please turn it over so I can smell the other side."  The foreman      gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the      foreman says "Ready!"      The BC takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side again      looking puzzled.  He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says      "I got it, that’s a shit house door off a tuna boat." An Army Sgt. Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick and I’m here for a woman!"  The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best girl they have for him.  Sgt. Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed.  He then says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army 30 years, and I’m a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!"  Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, I’ve been in the Army 30 years, and I’m a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE!" His penis immediately goes limp.  The prostitute still can’t get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration. The Sgt. Major again says, "I’m a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!"  (a raging hard-on once again), and he follows this display of prowess with the command of, "DICK, AT EASE!" (His penis goes limp once again). The prostitute still can’t believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again. The Sgt. Major shouts, "I’ve already told you honey, I’ve been  in the Army 30 years, and I’m a master of my mind and body, DICK,  ATTEN-HUN!"  His penis becomes immediately erect, and then he gives the following command, "DICK, AT EASE."   The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn’t hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE!"  Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The sgt. Major is now fuming,  and says, "I’m going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!"  No luck, his  penis is still hard.   He yells, God damn it!!!", and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?" The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I’m giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!" This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the cops. The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied, "Earl." "You got a last name, Earl?" "Nope.  It’s a long story, Officer." "I got time." Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-Daa.  I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD.  I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and  became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D.  After a little more time I  fooled around with this girl and got VD.  So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD.  When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD.  The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Daa so I’m now just Earl."

Response:

Jerry you have been a great contributor to this news group and I agree with you that his jokes were out of line.  I do have a question though. WHAT IS A REDNECK????? Doesnt this imply that you are as bad as he is by "slamming rednecks"..  As far as I can determine a redneck is someone who works out side in the sun and his neck is tanned or brown.  Is that any different than some one who skin is darker or black.  Think about it.Thanks Jerry have a good one.

Response:

What planet are you from??? Are grade school at the very least. You cant possibly be that naive.Get a clue man.Better get caught up. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Jerry you have been a great contributor to this news group and I agree with you that his jokes were out of line.  I do have a question though. WHAT IS A REDNECK????? Doesnt this imply that you are as bad as he is by "slamming rednecks"..  As far as I can determine a redneck is someone who works out side in the sun and his neck is tanned or brown.  Is that any different than some one who skin is darker or black.  Think about it.Thanks Jerry have a good one.

Response:

<much of zrky’s ‘yo momma’ half-witticisms snipped  Just understand that you should be very hopeful that you never utter your racist garbage in my presence in real time.

However, I would be equally grateful if a) SantaSam utters his jokes in my presence     (many are funny, tho zrky has ceased to be); or b) some anal retentive blustered in my presence in real time     (a great pity you’re not worth the trip, Jerky) As to those readers who find this all rather boring–too damn bad!  And to those

Why use plural (those readers) when the other one has not begun to rant? who have joined me in speaking out.  Bully for you, you should be proud of yourselves.

Better yet, why not focus your efforts on ’saving’ AOLers from themselves? you pay AOL; they have to listen to you. Netizens are more comfortable with the reality of reality, preferring an unfettered opportunity to exchange ideas, to pre-digested Pablum from AOLers who bluster and rant from the shelter of their their intellectual hibernation. Resume your meds – help is available!

Response:

I DO like some of your jokes, Santasam, but why are you so desperately wanting to post them in THIS group. Go to alt.humor or some other funny NG.

I don’t know, maybe because I’ve been here and with the prostatitus group for so long, and have gotten alot of mail thanking me for the laughs, and they’re doctor and dick jokes. Perhaps I should stop..

Response:

Santasam heeft geschreven in bericht A woman …etc.

I DO like some of your jokes, Santasam, but why are you so desperately wanting to post them in THIS group. Go to alt.humor or some other funny NG. I’m sure they’ll be pleased with you. Henk Remove KILLSPAM from the address

Response:

Santasam,               Except for the racist/sexist jokes, I  DO  appreciate the humor.  I like you here, with a little discretion.               Thanks,                           tigger            ;~) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I DO like some of your jokes, Santasam, but why are you so desperately wanting to post them in THIS group. Go to alt.humor or some other funny NG. I don’t know, maybe because I’ve been here and with the prostatitus group for so long, and have gotten alot of mail thanking me for the laughs, and they’re doctor and dick jokes. Perhaps I should stop..

Response:

 A woman woke up and told her husband of her last night’s dream.  "I  was at an auction for penises.  The big ones sold for $1000 and the  tiny ones for $10."  Husband: " What about one my size?"  Wife: "Didn’t get a bid!"  Hurt and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he’d had  a dream too: "I was at an auction for vaginas.  The really tight  one’s sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10."  Wife:  "What about ones like mine?"  Husband: "That’s where they held the auction." This poor guy went to hospital for a circumcision but, because of some fuck up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. "Shit!" he moaned. "this means I’ll never be able to experience an erection ever again!" "Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It’ll just have to be someone else’s, that’s all." A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad’s do for a living.   Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?" Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I’m sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?" "He turned blue and shit on the carpet." A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches.

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