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Mother-in-law woes

Question:

I say your beau is right — if you really love each other, ignore your FILs and get married. Besides, did they really think that you were just living together for two years for the hell of it?! I speak from semi-personal experience: My mother’s parents basically did the same thing (didn’t want her to marry my dad) and when she did anyway, they never spoke to her again. That was 30 years ago. Mom often says that she has no regrets, because my dad and siblings and I are her real family, and if her parents were so selfish that they would deny her happiness, then *they* are the ones who don’t understand love. Good luck. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Greetings everyone. :-) My beau and I are discussing the possibility of marriage in our future. We have been to hell and back, emotionally, financially and physically…yet survived two full years of living and loving together. Unfortunately, when he told his parents about our plans, they freaked out. They were under the impression that we were a temporary thing, and do not want me as a daughter-in-law. I have no family, so he’s free and clear on my side, and up till now, they’ve always been gracious and welcoming to me. I am a professional woman, independent…and in love with their son. But this whole thing about me not being "good enough" has really dampened my spirits. My beau says it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks…only what we want. What say the rest of you? Jade possible date of 5/1/99

Response:

–Posted and mailed — – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Greetings everyone. :-) My beau and I are discussing the possibility of marriage in our future. We have been to hell and back, emotionally, financially and physically…yet survived two full years of living and loving together. Unfortunately, when he told his parents about our plans, they freaked out. They were under the impression that we were a temporary thing, and do not want me as a daughter-in-law. I have no family, so he’s free and clear on my side, and up till now, they’ve always been gracious and welcoming to me. I am a professional woman, independent…and in love with their son. But this whole thing about me not being "good enough" has really dampened my spirits. My beau says it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks…only what we want. What say the rest of you?

Been there, done that.  And surviving quite nicely.  Basically, I *do* have family, but they’re the most welcoming, friendly caring ‘bunch’, and there have never been problems about Julian and I "becoming serious" and getting married.  (Save a disagreement about us living together, but that was brief — and covered in another thread!) His family, however, have been less than enthusiastic.  His father in particular seemed to like me a *lot* more when I was just the girlfriend … and even when the wedding was 36 months off. (I’ve been at law school while my fiance’s been ‘establishing himself’ in his career.)  As of last summer, when the wedding was 20-24 months away, his dad ‘decided’ to tell Julian he was making a mistake….in buying a house with me, in getting involved in such an expensive wedding (hard to avoid when the wedding is in Toronto, hosted by the bride’s family…), and in marrying me at all. Our response was to ’stick to our guns’, but politely.  Julian basically talked to his father and said this is happening, and we’d like him to be a part of it.   He’s free to join us in the planning, but we don’t force him into it.  Our wedding is in the works, the marriage is going to be a fact and it’s just as simple as that.  After this was made clear, we have steered clear of discussing the engagement/wedding/marriage/house plans with him.  If it’s of interest to him, he’ll bring it up. Otherwise, we don’t discuss it. The important thing, I think, is for your fiance to have a ‘talk’ with his parents, to ‘iron out’ any misconceptions and talk about their misapprehensions of your impending marriage.  Once he’s heard their concerns (just sat and listened), then he can respond with a clear answer — not to each ‘attack’, but a siimple statement to say, "Jade and I are getting married, and we’d very much like you to continue your support of us, and our relationship.  I know both of you have concerns aobut this, and hopefully we’ll be able to show you over time, that this *is* the right thing for us to do." And then leave it at that.  Acting defensive about each little point may not be very productive — and may create a tense situation — so some general, but strong words in support of your *jiont* decision to get married would probably be enough.  Then, don’t discuss wedding details unless necessary, or until they seem to be "on side" again. –Barbara, June 19 1999 to Julian, with or without difficult parents. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Jade possible date of 5/1/99

Response:

What say the rest of you?

If you love each other (which seems obvious), there is no reason you shouldn’t marry whether they agree or not. Often, parent’s take a fit like that and then realize that their son’s mind is made up and that they cannot change it. Then, they start changing their attitude. Let them time to have the idea sink in a bit and see from there. Good luck with the wedding. Michelle  "Everyone is born right-handed, only the great ones can overcome it."  for email, replace lefty with streamwave

Response:

All I can say is BE CAREFUL…make SURE your fiance will stick up for you.  My EX-in-laws did not think I was ‘good enough’ for their son…yet he ‘assured’ me over and over that it did not matter what they thought.  He NEVER stood up for me when his mother would go off on one of her tangents and it eventually got in the way of our marriage.  My divorce from him was final last Thursday!  Next month I will be marrying a man that LOVES me and his family LOVES me… Lynn – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Greetings everyone. :-) My beau and I are discussing the possibility of marriage in our future. We have been to hell and back, emotionally, financially and physically…yet survived two full years of living and loving together. Unfortunately, when he told his parents about our plans, they freaked out. They were under the impression that we were a temporary thing, and do not want me as a daughter-in-law. I have no family, so he’s free and clear on my side, and up till now, they’ve always been gracious and welcoming to me. I am a professional woman, independent…and in love with their son. But this whole thing about me not being "good enough" has really dampened my spirits. My beau says it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks…only what we want. What say the rest of you? Jade possible date of 5/1/99

Response:

Greetings everyone. :-) My beau and I are discussing the possibility of marriage in our future. We have been to hell and back, emotionally, financially and physically…yet survived two full years of living and loving together. Unfortunately, when he told his parents about our plans, they freaked out. They were under the impression that we were a temporary thing, and do not want me as a daughter-in-law. I have no family, so he’s free and clear on my side, and up till now, they’ve always been gracious and welcoming to me. I am a professional woman, independent…and in love with their son. But this whole thing about me not being "good enough" has really dampened my spirits. My beau says it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks…only what we want. What say the rest of you? Jade possible date of 5/1/99

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How awful. I agree with your beau that it doesn’t matter what others think.  Make sure that he communicates this to his parents or they will continue to dampen your relationship.  Just my opinion

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Jade, please dont let it darken your spirits if you love your fiance … then thats all that should matter..Also is there any reason why they would feel that way? I’m going thru almost the same thing with my FMIL but i dont care i love my fiance and thats all that matters to me Kathlieen — SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING:  A bride to be is just like pms when she is stressed. You better run and hide till the wedding is done and over with …. : Greetings everyone. :-) : : My beau and I are discussing the possibility of marriage in our future. We have : been to hell and back, emotionally, financially and physically…yet survived : two full years of living and loving together. : : Unfortunately, when he told his parents about our plans, they freaked out. They : were under the impression that we were a temporary thing, and do not want me as : a daughter-in-law. I have no family, so he’s free and clear on my side, and up : till now, they’ve always been gracious and welcoming to me. I am a professional : woman, independent…and in love with their son. But this whole thing about me : not being "good enough" has really dampened my spirits. My beau says it doesn’t : matter what anyone else thinks…only what we want. : : What say the rest of you? : : Jade : possible date of 5/1/99 :

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