Munkatunks

Question:

postde/mailed hi hi munkatunks i’m here, too and i’m real too and i’m sad too that we both are just words on the computer and we can’t run together or swim or stuff and i would even learn to *speak* english because i only can think and type english. but i guess you very very far away – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – spoilered because this is sad also two curse words 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Anyway so I just got off the phone with dudie an I told him I been cryn all day so deer could lick my face instead of salt lick.

oh sad sad maybe you could imagine me next to you i know is not real real only imagining stuff but i sit here in front of computer and very real and maybe i could also sit there next to you and maybe hold your hand a little if you wish or no touch at all just being there and give you little comfort??? I am very alone, always. You guys are it. Dudie will pet me and is nice but cannot support more than he can afford, so he doesn’t which is good. I dont got a therapist and Im way too picky for a free one and I dont trust them anyway and its just like dating where you spend a lot of time not finding the one you want, and its exhausting and scary. So please nobody suggest how to get/find therapist. I don’t want to rioght now.

i won’t suggest it to you okay i know sometimes things just dont feel right or too scary or just not not possible to do. and i’m sure we wouldn’t have done all this stuff to find ours if we hadn’t almost died all of us I’m pretty scared, not that my brain will eat me, but that nothin will ever come along, no support in rl. I dunno, I make freinds and they turn out to be wankers in due time. Nice wankers but wankers. In case you did not notice, I am complaining.

well if i am allowed to write 8000000 posts it shoudl be okay for you to complain and you are so alone so where else should you com… I have noone to talk to bout this stuff except you, so I complain to you.

sorry hadn’t read this sentence i was just about to say it We said " want a safe supportive survivors community to join" and so we thought how. If you join group thats mostly for other purpose than therapy, it lasts longer.

hee hee clever thought we did that too and it didn’t work either So we tried making freinds with dyke fringe, no dice. Dykes think my boys are unreformed and I’m "learned helplessness" because I am little, and even when they know youre MP they give no slack, as a community.

sorry don’t know what dyke fringe without dices is but sounds majorly not good So then I thought womens religion might be good, join like womens circle, but seems the theme of excluding men is prominent and I’m too male to stomach it.

there are many supportive women who unfortunately still think only men can do bad stuff. or, when they are tolerant and just want to stress their difference as a woman, this is getting s*x**l very soon and we hate this that’s what i think Also they didn’t seem freindly or encouraging, not like " oh cool, a new freind," but more like "oh cool a new person to involve in petty power struggles." Not actually a great interest of mine, too high school. I don’t find that nice people into healing are beating down my door, and I dont got time for the others.

guess if someone beat my door i first get scared. but if nice and friendly people came i’d invite them in never happened either. My two best freinds both did mean stuff and then said it either a) didnt happen or b) was because they are "crazy" and they can’t help it. Like that cuts so much ice with me. Like I’m really going to say " Oh, youre *crazy*, its okay to hurt me then, no need for apologies. " Like I’m the responsible sane person in all this.

mean mean mean. i believe that us littles is the sanest and responsiblest persons but nevertheless we are littles and lived bad stuff and there are grownups who are acting much more little than we *are*. My first best freind was too sexual with me and I said cut it out it makes me uncomfortable and so she just came on to older me’s but they didn’t like it either, so theyd say *I* was around or something, so she started treating me like some submoronic infant. " Oh Hewwo Munkatunks, I’m happy to see you, but isn’t it past your bedtime?"

had two friends who treated me that way decided not to show up with them any longer. don’t meet them often and so it’s okay. but someone we’d meet often i guess i’d try to teach them to take their own child parts for serious and if they wouldn’t i’d leave for sure. it hurts so much. Like I could have a bedtime! Like my bigs subjugate me into little chunks of day, and no night. All this stuff people put on kids.

So I watched that blind melon video of the bee girl and I cried all through, no kidding. I have no freinds now, my roomies nice but wantsa keep it light. I am doing okay, not gonna fall apart, but it seems unfair that I should live for 25 years with still nobody to play with.

yes yes yes. I mean Cyberplayground is fine but it hurts too much. It hurts to pretend like I’m running on a computer when I have legs and could run if somebody would just run with me.

an even though it hurts as i’m coming through cyberspace i come anyway as i think it might be better than not coming at all? Bigs wanna excercise, the bodys getting heavy, but how? Cant really run or jump or slide, cant swim. Can only do grownup leg lifts swim *laps* ( no shreiking no getting out of lane or splashing) . Christ what I’d give to play tag. Not with a kid, with somebody my size, another little. Fuckin shit. Munkatunks Nation of Jackie this account borrowed from jcash

if you win much money in the lottery and get on a big plane i’ll promise i’ll swim with you and learn to *speak* english munkatunks this is serious. it’s only the distance, it’s not the lack of people. doens’t make hurting go away but i think too big distance feels better than no one at all because big distance says there *are* people and there is a little hope in it. what do you think? little — A human’s love and law, a human’s purest kind to be just the one who she is (Frida) — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:

Response:

I dinna see Munkatunks’ original post, so I’m scarfing up pieces of Chiquitita’s little’s reply to it: I’m pretty scared, not that my brain will eat me, but that nothin will ever come along, no support in rl. I dunno, I make freinds and they turn out to be wankers in due time. Nice wankers but wankers. In case you did not notice, I am complaining.

You got a problem, Munks. The problem is that you’re much smarter and got a much better imagination than 99.999% of the world population. That can be fun, but it can also be pretty lonely. So we tried making freinds with dyke fringe, no dice. Dykes think my boys are unreformed and I’m "learned helplessness" because I am little, and even when they know youre MP they give no slack, as a community.

My best friend in RL is part of this "fringe". I love her and her SO, but I can’t *stand* their friends. Buncha wankers, and not even nice ones. My two best freinds both did mean stuff and then said it either a) didnt happen or b) was because they are "crazy" and they can’t help it. Like that cuts so much ice with me. Like I’m really going to say " Oh, youre *crazy*, its okay to hurt me then, no need for apologies. " Like I’m the responsible sane person in all this.

A crazy assh*le is still an assh*le. So I watched that blind melon video of the bee girl and I cried all through, no kidding. I have no freinds now, my roomies nice but wantsa keep it light. I am doing okay, not gonna fall apart, but it seems unfair that I should live for 25 years with still nobody to play with.

Wow!!!! I keep meaning to tape that video for my therp. I keep telling him, "I’m the bee girl, I’m the bee girl". Wow. Bigs wanna excercise, the bodys getting heavy, but how? Cant really run or jump or slide, cant swim. Can only do grownup leg lifts swim *laps* ( no shreiking no getting out of lane or splashing) . Christ what I’d give to play tag. Not with a kid, with somebody my size, another little.

I joined a gym in September, but I don’t want to go because all it is is a bunch of ladies staring at themselves in the mirrors and complaining about the equipment and talking on their cell phones and buying expensive spandex stuff. I want to go hiking or ride a bike or go on a VisionQuest walk through my city or play killer ping pong or something *fun*. The only time I get to do the kind of exercise I want is when I see my RL friend Will. He’s 11, and he’s fun. You’d like Will. Hell, you’d like *me* Take heart; there are some good folks out there. And, FWIW, I have two people who I consider to be my "real" friends. I met one of them when I was 27 and the other when I was 32. Hope this helps a teensy. swiv

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – spoilered because this is sad also two curse words 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Anyway so I just got off the phone with dudie an I told him I been cryn all day so deer could lick my face instead of salt lick. I am very alone, always. You guys are it. Dudie will pet me and is nice but cannot support more than he can afford, so he doesn’t which is good. I dont got a therapist and Im way too picky for a free one and I dont trust them anyway and its just like dating where you spend a lot of time not finding the one you want, and its exhausting and scary. So please nobody suggest how to get/find therapist. I don’t want to rioght now. I’m pretty scared, not that my brain will eat me, but that nothin will ever come along, no support in rl. I dunno, I make freinds and they turn out to be wankers in due time. Nice wankers but wankers. In case you did not notice, I am complaining. I have noone to talk to bout this stuff except you, so I complain to you. We said " want a safe supportive survivors community to join" and so we thought how. If you join group thats mostly for other purpose than therapy, it lasts longer. So we tried making freinds with dyke fringe, no dice. Dykes think my boys are unreformed and I’m "learned helplessness" because I am little, and even when they know youre MP they give no slack, as a community. So then I thought womens religion might be good, join like womens circle, but seems the theme of excluding men is prominent and I’m too male to stomach it. Also they didn’t seem freindly or encouraging, not like " oh cool, a new freind," but more like "oh cool a new person to involve in petty power struggles." Not actually a great interest of mine, too high school. I don’t find that nice people into healing are beating down my door, and I dont got time for the others. My two best freinds both did mean stuff and then said it either a) didnt happen or b) was because they are "crazy" and they can’t help it. Like that cuts so much ice with me. Like I’m really going to say " Oh, youre *crazy*, its okay to hurt me then, no need for apologies. " Like I’m the responsible sane person in all this. My first best freind was too sexual with me and I said cut it out it makes me uncomfortable and so she just came on to older me’s but they didn’t like it either, so theyd say *I* was around or something, so she started treating me like some submoronic infant. " Oh Hewwo Munkatunks, I’m happy to see you, but isn’t it past your bedtime?" Like I could have a bedtime! Like my bigs subjugate me into little chunks of day, and no night. All this stuff people put on kids. So I watched that blind melon video of the bee girl and I cried all through, no kidding. I have no freinds now, my roomies nice but wantsa keep it light. I am doing okay, not gonna fall apart, but it seems unfair that I should live for 25 years with still nobody to play with. I mean Cyberplayground is fine but it hurts too much. It hurts to pretend like I’m running on a computer when I have legs and could run if somebody would just run with me. Bigs wanna excercise, the bodys getting heavy, but how? Cant really run or jump or slide, cant swim. Can only do grownup leg lifts swim *laps* ( no shreiking no getting out of lane or splashing) . Christ what I’d give to play tag. Not with a kid, with somebody my size, another little. Fuckin shit. Munkatunks Nation of Jackie this account borrowed from jcash

I’m sorry, Munkatunks, that you are feeling like you will never find somebody/s in RL to be friends with, share with, play with, and all that. I felt like that for such a long, long time. I’m 41. You know what? I don’t feel that way anymore – at least there is a me that doesn’t feel that way. And this is recent. Now Munkatunks, this is my story, and is meant to show that things can change, and it is *not* meant to imply that the particular changes that I went through will or must be the ones you might/should/will/whatever go through on the way to being able to have people around you who are caring, fun, close, funny, energetic, or all of the above. And I truly believe, absolutely, that it can happen for you. No kidding. And I’ve been through a lot of the stuff you describe. Over just the last year and a half or so, we have suddenly found ourselves able to be with people who happen to come into our lives, and we are being nourished to some degree. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t loneliness or a sense of isolation ever, because there is still that sometimes – but it isn’t absolute, and there are ways out. It happened with me when I had achieved a certain amount of understanding of myself(selves) and had done some contacting and healing certain parts which always had (have) trouble with various kinds of interpersonal contact; and when I found a way in which I could be more accepting of other people’s characteristics (including those that I didn’t care for) and of their differences from me. I don’t know – somehow now I can just be with someone and connect with what I can connect with and not worry that there is not a perfect fit at all points. I really don’t think I could do that before. And there are people (grown up bodies, letting child energy be) to play with, too, I find – especially since it doesn’t feel to me now as if it is something to be self conscious about. (I think being a mother helps *me* with that, having an outside child, and spending time with other mothers and outside children – also, possibly, age helps. There *is* something liberating about not being a "young woman" anymore.) And Munkatunks, I have been through terrible, scarring disappointments with friends I have sworn lifelong love to; and I have had ugly experiences with groups supposedly dedicated to respect/love/support/whatever and have turned on me because – well, I don’t even have any answer for that. We have spent most of our lives calling ourselves a freak, and meaning that in a very clinical sense – just an extreme oddity of humanness that made it difficult for us to navigate in society with more common kinds of people. Well, I still think of myself as having a lot of "extreme" characteristics and intensities and involvements, a freakish amount of education (in relation to most people), a freakish amount of introspection, a freakish proclivity for self revelation, etc., etc. But somehow, it usually doesn’t seem to matter to me anymore – and, almost magically, it also doesn’t seem to matter to anyone else. There are still occasions when I begin to feel as if it matters a lot how different I am – and usually in situations where, in fact, it does matter – and then I always end up acting as if something is very wrong with me, and people end up treating me oddly, and I end up reacting erratically and oddly – you know. But those times are rare. And I don’t know if that ever happens to you, Munkatunks, but even though this just happened to me tonight, I think I am doing okay about it. Some things to think about a lot, but I think I am doing fairly well, considering. I’ll bet you don’t want to hear that I think that time and age have something to do with it. I’m not saying you have to wait until you’re 41. I’m just saying that today is not tomorrow – you are growing and changing, and your situation and the world around you is changing. You could walk into the middle of a bunch of instant friends tomorrow without warning. It happens. Really, really sorry about how it feels – because we really do know. Munkatunks, I really believe it will get better. With warmth and regards – Beauty — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:

Response:

spoilered because this is sad also two curse words 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Anyway so I just got off the phone with dudie an I told him I been cryn all day so deer could lick my face instead of salt lick. I am very alone, always. You guys are it. Dudie will pet me and is nice but cannot support more than he can afford, so he doesn’t which is good. I dont got a therapist and Im way too picky for a free one and I dont trust them anyway and its just like dating where you spend a lot of time not finding the one you want, and its exhausting and scary. So please nobody suggest how to get/find therapist. I don’t want to rioght now. I’m pretty scared, not that my brain will eat me, but that nothin will ever come along, no support in rl. I dunno, I make freinds and they turn out to be wankers in due time. Nice wankers but wankers. In case you did not notice, I am complaining. I have noone to talk to bout this stuff except you, so I complain to you. We said " want a safe supportive survivors community to join" and so we thought how. If you join group thats mostly for other purpose than therapy, it lasts longer. So we tried making freinds with dyke fringe, no dice. Dykes think my boys are unreformed and I’m "learned helplessness" because I am little, and even when they know youre MP they give no slack, as a community. So then I thought womens religion might be good, join like womens circle, but seems the theme of excluding men is prominent and I’m too male to stomach it. Also they didn’t seem freindly or encouraging, not like " oh cool, a new freind," but more like "oh cool a new person to involve in petty power struggles." Not actually a great interest of mine, too high school. I don’t find that nice people into healing are beating down my door, and I dont got time for the others. My two best freinds both did mean stuff and then said it either a) didnt happen or b) was because they are "crazy" and they can’t help it. Like that cuts so much ice with me. Like I’m really going to say " Oh, youre *crazy*, its okay to hurt me then, no need for apologies. " Like I’m the responsible sane person in all this. My first best freind was too sexual with me and I said cut it out it makes me uncomfortable and so she just came on to older me’s but they didn’t like it either, so theyd say *I* was around or something, so she started treating me like some submoronic infant. " Oh Hewwo Munkatunks, I’m happy to see you, but isn’t it past your bedtime?" Like I could have a bedtime! Like my bigs subjugate me into little chunks of day, and no night. All this stuff people put on kids. So I watched that blind melon video of the bee girl and I cried all through, no kidding. I have no freinds now, my roomies nice but wantsa keep it light. I am doing okay, not gonna fall apart, but it seems unfair that I should live for 25 years with still nobody to play with. I mean Cyberplayground is fine but it hurts too much. It hurts to pretend like I’m running on a computer when I have legs and could run if somebody would just run with me. Bigs wanna excercise, the bodys getting heavy, but how? Cant really run or jump or slide, cant swim. Can only do grownup leg lifts swim *laps* ( no shreiking no getting out of lane or splashing) . Christ what I’d give to play tag. Not with a kid, with somebody my size, another little. Fuckin shit. Munkatunks Nation of Jackie this account borrowed from jcash

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