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My son likes to cross-dress!

Question:

It seems in this culture we women have made advancements in the area of not being pigeon-holed in gender-specific roles, but the same cannot be said of men…in this case, boys.  It’s perfectly ok, even encouraged, for girls to play w/ traditionally male toys..aspire to traditionally male fields of work, and wear traditionally male clothing.  The fact that the reverse is still so frowned upon states that much more progress is needed.  As long as boys are not allowed, even encouraged to play, dress and aspire to traditionally female toys, clothes and careers, it’s essentially saying that female is inferior.  "Girls, aspire to be like boys as much as you want, but boys, don’t let me see you wearing pink or holding a doll!….do want to be like a girl??"

I agree wholeheartedly!  However, even if*you* agree with this statement, and even if you can come to fully accept his behavior, that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with the responses you and he get from others.  As parents, we often have to make the difficult decision: do I support my child as he is, or do I try to teach him to conform to social norms, even if I personally disagree with those norms?    One thing you might do to help clarify your feelings (and it sounds like you might already be doing something similar) is to ask yourself which you’d prefer: your son acting the role of the ballerina, or his playing out a very negative male "macho" role, machine-gunning the "enemy."  Maybe it will help to focus on the fact that your son is gentle and peaceloving and thus imitates the play of those who are like him (which, in this case, happen to be girls), rather than the boys who play violently.   I have a gut feeling he will outgrow this overt behavior, as he matures and more fully develops his sense of himself as peace-loving and gentle.   A thought: how about showing him a ballet, where men dance, but do not wear tutus?  Perhaps this will convey to him that he can do things that are gentle and graceful without wearing girls’ clothing.  I think the important thing is that your son not feel rejected for his inclinations, that he knows you accept and love him regardless.  I, personally would have trouble trying to make my child "fit in."   An anecdote: when I was an after-school instructor, a boy in the second grade started wearing his older sister’s outgrown dresses to school.  We thought his mother was crazy to let her kid go to school like that.  The sister was in my class, and she and her friends used to tease him about it, but mostly in a friendly way; they seemed more amused than embarrassed by him.  He didn’t seem to care what anyone thought.  He was a very outgoing child who always did exactly what he wanted to.  He was a gifted tap dancer and dedicated himself to that pursuit, even though the other boys thought it was strange.  He outgrew the cross-dressing phase fairly quickly, and I would say he is a very intelligent, talented, self-assured boy today. You appear to be a very sensitive and gentle parent; you’ve been trying to find a sensitive, gentle solution that supports your child.  I think he embodies your best qualities, and I know you will find a way of dealing with this situation that is comfortable for you all. Aloha, Gillian

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This reminds me of a 3 year old I once met.  All he wanted for his 4th birthday was a pink party dress.  This child is now 16 or 17 now and all male. Nyoka

Response:

It seems in this culture we women have made advancements in the area of not being pigeon-holed in gender-specific roles, but the same cannot be said of men…in this case, boys.  

My health teacher in college talked a bout his son, who decided he liked wearing his sisters dresses.  They worried about it for awhile, then, while watching him play, realized that what he liked about the dresses was the feel of the skirt swirling around his legs and ankles as he ran.  His mother made him a floor length cloak to wear and swish around, and he was delighted-never tried the dresses on again.  The cloak worked better. Julie Barnson

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I’m not sure about this one either.  My son, who is about the same age, often likes to cross-dress and play games where he is female, too.  So far, it hasn’t been dominating his play, but it does come up in some form or another just about every day.  I have also noticed him taking great interest in sexual-type behavior, e.g. imitating caresses he sees between his father and me, such as stroking the face, gazing lovingly into the eyes, snuggling full-body, and trying these things on me and his sister, and his friends. (I don’t mean to suggest anything explicit here, just that I think he has noticed the sexual component in my relationship with my husband, and associates certain types of contact with it.)  He had a fantastic day last week at the home of a female friend his age, dressing in her dresses and saying he was a girl.   It’s interesting that when he was about 1 1/2 I became sensitive to violence on tv or in stories because I felt that he was becoming impressionable regarding violent scenes.  Now, at 3 I am suddenly aware of all the sex on tv, since that fascinates him so.  Yet another reason to keep the tv off, I guess :-) My take on this is that he has become aware of sex as a force between people and is curious about it, including exploring roles of both genders.  I find it exposes my own biases, that I don’t think I would worry if my daughter wanted to play the prince, wear boys clothes, or called herself a fireman.  But when my son says he’s the princess, wants to wear makeup and be a ballerina it makes me uneasy… I think this trying-on of roles is natural and a normal phase of childhood.  You have identified that the behavior seems to be intensified when it’s discouraged, for example, at his daycare.  I would not be happy with a daycare that pressured my son to play only with other boys.  This kind of thing reinforces the pressure boys feel as they get older to conform to "masculine" stereotypes and not develop their "feminine" sides.  I think it is normal for kids to play "violent" and "nurturing" games, and it does seem that on average boys are more into the violent, but that’s even less reason for adults to reinforce it, in my opinion. The bottom line is, I think that children play roles to help them understand the world.  Allowing your son to play female roles will help him understand what being female is all about, something that will be helpful in his future relationships with girls and women!  Not allowing him to explore those roles will not keep him from being curious, it will just give him the message that there is something wrong with that curiosity, and either make him more determined (because it gets such an interesting reaction) or make him feel bad about himself, or maybe get the idea that being _female_ is bad. I seem to remember from my child development classes ( I was an ed major) that it’s normal for many _kindergarteners_ to still be unsure of their own gender, let alone the sex roles they should take.  So I wouldn’t be worried about a three year old who is smart enough already to be thinking about it. I am glad you asked this question, as writing this response has helped me feel more comfortable with my own position.  Does anyone out there have any good suggestions for explaining this to others, briefly, but in such a way that our sons don’t get too much of a negative message? Clare, mommy to Geordy (10/7/93) and Leah (8/15/95) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – This is the first time I’ve ever posted to a news group, and I’m looking for some different insight to my 3 1/2 yr old son’s behavior. Recently I took away the straw hats, and other dress up clothes that I had provided for my son and daughter (2 yrs old) to play with. My son had become almost obsessed w/ them, saying "I’m going to be the truly scrumptious ballerina queen!" For a long time I ignored the behavior, never really believing in stressing sex roles-I always believed it was OK for boys to play w/ dolls, etc. So I never discouraged this play initially. Over the last 3 – 6 months, the behavior has increased, to the point where I no longer feel comfortable. His pre-school teacher has assured me that while in school he assumes the Daddy role. Taking away the dress-up clothes (which included male items ie. male hats, ties, robes) helped a little. But now he just dons one of his father’s large T-shirts, calls it a dress, and off he goes. After watching Peter Pan, he now pretends to be Wendy. I suggest that it’s fun to take turns pretending to be different characters, but he hasn’t grabbed on. The real problem is that this is starting to affect some of his friendships, and I’ve noticed a lot of raised eyebrows and "I’d be worried too" comments from friends. At the babysitters (2 days/wk), there have been issues where the babysitter has insisted he not play w/ the girls, but the boys, who I’ve always felt play too rough (guns and swords, which I don’t buy), and my son has said he doesn’t like to play that way (he’s very articulate). My husband and I suspect that some of these situations may have caused the behavior to intensify.  My son is a very happy, well-adjusted, easy going boy, who gets along easily with others. His first love is cars. I’m not sure how to handle this new behavior. I will appreciate any ideas.

Response:

*snip* but he hasn’t grabbed on. The real problem is that this is starting to affect some of his friendships, and I’ve noticed a lot of raised eyebrows and "I’d be worried too" comments from friends. At the babysitters (2 days/wk), there have been issues where the babysitter has insisted he not play w/ the girls, but the boys, who I’ve always felt play too rough (guns and swords, which I don’t buy), and my son has said he doesn’t like to play that way (he’s very articulate). My husband and I suspect that some of these situations may have caused the behavior to intensify.  My son is a very happy, well-adjusted, easy going boy, who gets along easily with others. His first love is cars. I’m not sure how to handle this new behavior. I will appreciate any ideas.

i don’t have a solution to this problem, but i wanted to put in my 1.5 cents :) It seems in this culture we women have made advancements in the area of not being pigeon-holed in gender-specific roles, but the same cannot be said of men…in this case, boys.  It’s perfectly ok, even encouraged, for girls to play w/ traditionally male toys..aspire to traditionally male fields of work, and wear traditionally male clothing.  The fact that the reverse is still so frowned upon states that much more progress is needed.  As long as boys are not allowed, even encouraged to play, dress and aspire to traditionally female toys, clothes and careers, it’s essentially saying that female is inferior.  "Girls, aspire to be like boys as much as you want, but boys, don’t let me see you wearing pink or holding a doll!….do want to be like a girl??" It’s a culturally created and condoned bias spurred on by the same close-mindedness that for eons have "kept women in their place"  I imagine it’s extremely difficult for forward-thinking parents of boys to contend with this issue.  Best you, Peggy, and your son.  May peace of mind find you in this matter. Cathy

Response:

This is the first time I’ve ever posted to a news group, and I’m looking for some different insight to my 3 1/2 yr old son’s behavior. Recently I took away the straw hats, and other dress up clothes that I had provided for my son and daughter (2 yrs old) to play with. My son had become almost obsessed w/ them, saying "I’m going to be the truly scrumptious ballerina queen!" For a long time I ignored the behavior, never really believing in stressing sex roles-I always believed it was OK for boys to play w/ dolls, etc. So I never discouraged this play initially. Over the last 3 – 6 months, the behavior has increased, to the point where I no longer feel comfortable. His pre-school teacher has assured me that while in school he assumes the Daddy role. Taking away the dress-up clothes (which included male items ie. male hats, ties, robes) helped a little. But now he just dons one of his father’s large T-shirts, calls it a dress, and off he goes. After watching Peter Pan, he now pretends to be Wendy. I suggest that it’s fun to take turns pretending to be different characters, but he hasn’t grabbed on. The real problem is that this is starting to affect some of his friendships, and I’ve noticed a lot of raised eyebrows and "I’d be worried too" comments from friends. At the babysitters (2 days/wk), there have been issues where the babysitter has insisted he not play w/ the girls, but the boys, who I’ve always felt play too rough (guns and swords, which I don’t buy), and my son has said he doesn’t like to play that way (he’s very articulate). My husband and I suspect that some of these situations may have caused the behavior to intensify.  My son is a very happy, well-adjusted, easy going boy, who gets along easily with others. His first love is cars. I’m not sure how to handle this new behavior. I will appreciate any ideas.

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