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I have to agree with Tracey on this one.  When there is another in the separation it adds a whole new dynamic to the equation.  Spouses who engage in this sort of behavior will rarely ever return.  Don’t let her dangle you along.  Close the door and lock and latch it.  Set your sights on a future free of someone who is so cruel and unconscionable.  Ultimately you alone have to decide what you can accept and live with if she does decide to come back.  I, too, could be faced with that decision one day.  I don’t think either of us would have the internal fortitude to travel the long road back. I have resigned myself to work through the initial grief and then close this chapter of my life forever. — Gentleman Jim A Country Boy and Refined Southern Gentleman The song never ends with the singer, the truth outlives a lie, the dream lives on when the dreamer is gone, and true true love never dies. …Conway Twitty

Response:

Gregg, She says she is not sure if she should get back to me or should stay

First I understand totally your state of mind and shock and the first thing you want to do is figure out whay YOU want out of a relationship thats fulfilling to you; the biggest (and easiest considering the feelings involved) is to wait for her to tell you what she wants. Take time for yourself, she knows where you stand (for now) and tell her that you need time to think things through too; it will hurt like hell I know but that is the best way I know to move (fast) towards the solution that will be best for you and eventually accept whatever outcome even if it is not the one you hoped for. In any case: the more you hang on the more she will push you away; thats the damn human nature we are all doomed to. Anticipate the end thats the "worst" that can happen, it will only seem minimal if it was to happen. As for suicide, been there to, think of how other persons close to you would hurt if you’d do so. As for her, if you are out of the picture she will just fly back to her DonJuan to drawn her guilt (if any). Only you know her… but for her to say she hasnt slept with him and not knowing what she wants only shows that she is trying to have her cake and eat it to; in the meantime you are suffering and thats not right. Good Luck Tony – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Three month ago my wife has left me after being married for 7 years. She moved directly together with a new boyfried.I have always trusted her, she sent me little cards confirming how much she loved me and that I’m the only one for her. When she moved out it was sudden and to date I’m in a state of shock and can hardly eat, work or enjoy anything and have suicide ideas. Since a few weeks we startet to meet again and she has moved out from her boyfriends flat ino an own flat. We get along sometimes like a couple in love but sometimes she is very cold to me. She says she is not sure if she should get back to me or should stay with the new one. But basically all of her remarks about him are negative. She misses me a lot, but says we were not compatible, something that I see much different. Her Boyfriend treats her bad, shouts at her, controls her etc. and she says she didn’t have sex with him yet. Its dreadful what should I do ? I have visited an Astrologer who says we would be a perfect match and my wife will just go troug a phase which could last until early next year. What should I do ???     Thanks for your help.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Three month ago my wife has left me after being married for 7 years. She moved directly together with a new boyfried.I have always trusted her, she sent me little cards confirming how much she loved me and that I’m the only one for her. When she moved out it was sudden and to date I’m in a state of shock and can hardly eat, work or enjoy anything and have suicide ideas. Since a few weeks we startet to meet again and she has moved out from her boyfriends flat ino an own flat. We get along sometimes like a couple in love but sometimes she is very cold to me. She says she is not sure if she should get back to me or should stay with the new one. But basically all of her remarks about him are negative. She misses me a lot, but says we were not compatible, something that I see much different. Her Boyfriend treats her bad, shouts at her, controls her etc. and she says she didn’t have sex with him yet. Its dreadful what should I do ? I have visited an Astrologer who says we would be a perfect match and my wife will just go troug a phase which could last until early next year. What should I do ??? Thanks for your help.

First of all, lose the astrologer. They can’t give you anything, that you didn’t tell them. So, dump that. Next, well communicating with her may well be a good thing, but you need to figure out, for yourself, what you want and need, in any relationship. For instance, she moved in with this guy, but claims that she didn’t sleep with him. Do you ( never mind what I or anyone else might think of this. Only you know her ) believe this ? If so, why ? If not, why not ? She’s mouthing a lot of the modern " psycho babble ", none of whhich has any *meaning*, when used apart from any specifics. So, you’re not " compatible " ? What does that mean ? What does *she* mean, when she says it ? If she thinks that she can only be with a virtual clone of her own personality, then she has some serious disappointments coming her way ! Beyond that, she needs to figure out what she wants, and what she’s willing to do to get it. It may well be that she can’t or won’t recommit to your marriage. Nor ought you be a hostage to her process. For your feelings of suicide, been there. Do you have a counselor that you can discuss and explore this with ? You’ll soon see, if you don’t already, that such an act is not appropriate. Hang in there, Andre — " The noblest achievement of the imagination is to make time run some other way, and terminate in beauty and forgivness "                                          David Gelernter, " 1939 "

Response:

Three month ago my wife has left me after being married for 7 years

From what you’ve written, you’re getting very mixed signals and, quite honestly, things just aren’t adding up. Recently, I wrote a post on alt. support.marriage where I said that sometimes when spouses separate and there is another person involved, both the spouse and the lover are being told only part of the story, and that seems to me to be what you’re getting here. You’re getting told what you *want* to hear (that she misses you, her boyfriend is horrible, etc.,) and he’s probably getting told what he *wants* to hear. That, I think, is a main sticking point when it comes to working things out between spouses. The cheating spouse has another outlet for their thoughts other than you. When there is only one person that you can discuss things with, you almost *have* to tell them everything. When you have another one, the things that should be worked out with the spouse end up being bitched about to the lover. (And, BTW, I think that’s a main reason why the confusion is prolonged for the cheating spouse. Nothing really gets resolved because of course their spouse is going to commiserate with how bad of a person their lover is and relish the fact that they are missed, and their lover is going to commiserate with how bad their marriage is and agree that their relationship is going just great. The spouse is not going to point out the good points of the lover and the lover is not going to point out the good parts of the spouse and the marriage.) No matter what your astrologer says, do you think you’re going to be able to handle being on this rollercoaster for a year or more? I don’t believe that any significant progress can be made on a marriage when another person is involved. The lover is a distraction and a detraction from any good that comes from counselling or discussion of the problems in the marriage. Good luck on figuring out your own boundaries. Tracey

Response:

Three month ago my wife has left me after being married for 7 years. She moved directly together with a new boyfried.I have always trusted her, she sent me little cards confirming how much she loved me and that I’m the only one for her. When she moved out it was sudden and to date I’m in a state of shock and can hardly eat, work or enjoy anything and have suicide ideas. Since a few weeks we startet to meet again and she has moved out from her boyfriends flat ino an own flat. We get along sometimes like a couple in love but sometimes she is very cold to me. She says she is not sure if she should get back to me or should stay with the new one. But basically all of her remarks about him are negative. She misses me a lot, but says we were not compatible, something that I see much different. Her Boyfriend treats her bad, shouts at her, controls her etc. and she says she didn’t have sex with him yet. Its dreadful what should I do ? I have visited an Astrologer who says we would be a perfect match and my wife will just go troug a phase which could last until early next year. What should I do ???  Thanks for your help.

Response:

I’ve received many emails asking if the kids are with me and the answer is yes…. Thank you to all that answered me, I really appreciate it__Trina – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I am in the process of getting a divorce and I am in need of some advice. Is there anyone who can help me find a way to explain to two of my children ages 5 and 3 about what is going on. Their father is putting lies into their head telling them that I don’t love them therefore I don’t want him around anymore. Please if anyone can help me I would appreciate it… I have tried to talk to them about what is happening but I am not sure they understand. Trina

Response:

Trina…I know that this is a very hard time for you.  Let me tell you, just try to explain what is going on to the kids, remember not to bad mouth their father.  In the end, it’s usually one parent who will be blamed for the divorce.  I know, I was the one blamed for mine.  It does get better though, and a lot easier too.  Hang in there.  Best of Luck. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I am in the process of getting a divorce and I am in need of some advice. Is there anyone who can help me find a way to explain to two of my children ages 5 and 3 about what is going on. Their father is putting lies into their head telling them that I don’t love them therefore I don’t want him around anymore. Please if anyone can help me I would appreciate it… I have tried to talk to them about what is happening but I am not sure they understand. Trina

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-I am in the process of getting a divorce and I am in need of some advice. Is -there anyone who can help me find a way to explain to two of my children -ages 5 and 3 about what is going on. Their father is putting lies into their -head telling them that I don’t love them therefore I don’t want him around -anymore. Please if anyone can help me I would appreciate it… I have tried -to talk to them about what is happening but I am not sure they understand. -Trina Your children need to know two things: 1) you love them unconditionally 2) the divorce is not their fault – children see the world as revolving around them and therefore feel they are responsible for bad things. Victoria Lee

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I am in the process of getting a divorce and I am in need of some advice. Is there anyone who can help me find a way to explain to two of my children ages 5 and 3 about what is going on. Their father is putting lies into their head telling them that I don’t love them therefore I don’t want him around anymore. Please if anyone can help me I would appreciate it… I have tried to talk to them about what is happening but I am not sure they understand. Trina

Kids this age aren’t going to understand much.  Explain in the simplest of terms and leave it at that.  Your husband is an evil man if he is abusing the kids in this manner and I doubt that there is much you can do about him. Toni "Maintaining a complicated life is a great way to avoid changing it"

Response:

Very sad indeed, TB is right, the only thing you can to to counteract this abuse is to show your children that you DO indeed love them…actions speak alot louder than words at this age anyway.  I’m sorry you have to go through the hurt he is causing where your children are concerned. Daisy Dethrone – Place where people do their best thinking. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I am in the process of getting a divorce and I am in need of some advice. Is there anyone who can help me find a way to explain to two of my children ages 5 and 3 about what is going on. Their father is putting lies into their head telling them that I don’t love them therefore I don’t want him around anymore. Please if anyone can help me I would appreciate it… I have tried to talk to them about what is happening but I am not sure they understand. Trina Kids this age aren’t going to understand much.  Explain in the simplest of terms and leave it at that.  Your husband is an evil man if he is abusing the kids in this manner and I doubt that there is much you can do about him. Toni "Maintaining a complicated life is a great way to avoid changing it"

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hi Trina, just give them all the love you can and they will know that you really love them,talk is ok but showing your love for them will work out for the best. at there ages i’m not sure they can grasp everything at least the 3 year old, the 5 year old will probably surprise you. just give them love and support and let them know that just because you and your x are not together that its not there fault and you will allways love them. hope this helps.Augie:) You have to dance like no one’s watching ~And Love like it’s never going to hurt~ ~Live All Your Life, All Your Life Long~                                                                

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Trina, I’m in the same situation. Luckily, I have a GAL to run interference for me. The situation is so tricky, because you don’t want to appear to be denigrating the other parent as well. A few things I’ve learned: 1) Talk to your ex first. He may be clueless to what he’s doing and the impact on the kids. (hey, it’s a long-shot!) My ex would always claim he had "no idea" what he was saying was damaging. 2) Record everything they say. Never know, you might end up in a custody battle down the road, and it would come in handy. 3) Be a model parent, and encourage your children to feel safe talking to you about what he says, without asking them directly. Rest assured that your continuing positive influence will outweigh his negative one, over time. 4) When my girls relay some untruth their father is feeding them about me, I calmly ask them, "Well, what do YOU think? You’re a smart girl!" That way I’m not saying my ex is always wrong. My children will hesitate then say they think he’s wrong and they are confused. Once I said (sweetly), well maybe daddy is just confused? They latched onto that one, because it gives them a reason why the things they hear from someone they love about someone they love are just plain wrong. Confused. He’s not an evil bad guy, he’s just confused. jen

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Trina. I tried this when my youngest daughter was 4yo and her mother and I were splitting up. It worked very well. My daughter had friends at day care. I used them as an example. If T had two best friends, A and B, and she liked them both a whole bunch, and then A and B got mad at each other and didn’t like each other anymore, why couldn’t T still like both and both A and B still like T?  When she get’s that idea that it’s ok to still like A and B, then bring it into the context of A=mommy and B=daddy, and that you both still and always will love her even if daddy and you don’t like each other. Hope it helps. Bildo – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I am in the process of getting a divorce and I am in need of some advice. Is there anyone who can help me find a way to explain to two of my children ages 5 and 3 about what is going on. Their father is putting lies into their head telling them that I don’t love them therefore I don’t want him around anymore. Please if anyone can help me I would appreciate it… I have tried to talk to them about what is happening but I am not sure they understand. Trina

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I am in the process of getting a divorce and I am in need of some advice. Is there anyone who can help me find a way to explain to two of my children ages 5 and 3 about what is going on. Their father is putting lies into their head telling them that I don’t love them therefore I don’t want him around anymore. Please if anyone can help me I would appreciate it… I have tried to talk to them about what is happening but I am not sure they understand. Trina

Response:

Hello Trina, I can relate to your situation, Repetition is the key.  Don’t give up.  Keep telling them how much you love and appreciate them.  Don’t degrade their father in front of them because then you are lowering yourself to his standard.  Pull you S2BX aside and ask him to please stop and explain to him how much he is ultimately hurting the children (if you can).  Get some proof if you can find it.   Don’t just tell your kids you love them, show them quite frequently.   Your actions speak louder than words.  Be there for them when they need you and trust through faith in God that the right things can happen and your children will feel your true love for them.  Good luck and hang-in there.  You’ll eventually triumph. Regards, Steve. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I am in the process of getting a divorce and I am in need of some advice. Is there anyone who can help me find a way to explain to two of my children ages 5 and 3 about what is going on. Their father is putting lies into their head telling them that I don’t love them therefore I don’t want him around anymore. Please if anyone can help me I would appreciate it… I have tried to talk to them about what is happening but I am not sure they understand. Trina

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Dear Trina: My heart goes out to you.  My youngest was 5 when my X and I first separated. His first reaction was that Daddy was going to go find another kid he liked better since he had found a woman he liked better… It is so difficult for we as adults to grasp all the complications a divorce brings, imagine how it is for a child.  My advice to you would be to keep it simple.  Try to keep things as normal as you can for your children.  Don’t speak badly about their father to them, no matter how much he may do it about you.  Be honest with them, without going into detail about adult problems.  Assure them constantly that all this mess is NOT their fault.  These are adult problems and you are always going to take care of them and love them. My 5 year old had real difficulty with separation anxiety in the beginning.  If one parent could leave, why wouldn’t both.  He would totally loose it when I would drop him off at Sunday school.  I ended up working in his class for a few weeks, and he relaxed a little. Time, patience, and Emmy award winning acting will be your best friends.  I have to bite my tongue often to keep from saying derogatory things about their father. God bless you and your children! Jeanne – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I am in the process of getting a divorce and I am in need of some advice. Is there anyone who can help me find a way to explain to two of my children ages 5 and 3 about what is going on. Their father is putting lies into their head telling them that I don’t love them therefore I don’t want him around anymore. Please if anyone can help me I would appreciate it… I have tried to talk to them about what is happening but I am not sure they understand. Trina

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