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New to group, uncertain

Question:

Thanks… As I have commented also in e-mail (to someone else) it is so alien to me, to think of being welcome anywhere… "Wrap tight your cloak around me and I’ll whisper close my dreams"         – Horslips, SWORD OF LIGHT Mother of Serpents http://www.geocities.com/soho/2273 Atalanta’s Bookshelf http://www.flash.net/~susan0 Check out our new tarot contest!

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leslie ——- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

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Hey: Welcome to asd! Love your name, but was unable to say it fast five times in a row. by rejection, another friend I cared deeply about & thought I could rely on deserting me to hang out with some people who are "more interesting".

Ain’t it amazing how much power we give other people over our feelings? Your "friend" behaves like a true shit and you’re the one who suffers the pain. There’s something wrong with that logic somewhere. Help me on this. So far I have resisted the urge to start carving symbols into my flesh with a razor (but oh! what a *concrete* release that would be).

Into your own flesh? Why not  hers?….. Just joking…… Well, half-joking. Let’s see. "Judas" carved on her forehead perhaps? Or would she turn it into a fashion statement? My husband loves me very much (& I love him very much) but he does not understand and gets impatient with me for not just "snapping out of it".

I take it that your husband is a "normie" (slang term we often use around here to refer to"normal" people who are unable to empathize with folks like us). Oh, how I wish I had a significant other. You are very fortunate. I am not in any kind of therapy… I have a deep distrust of therapists,

Same here. But, you’ll find other folks here who’ve had very positive shrink experiences. who made my mother feel better.

I take it she was paying, in which case she was obviously the client, and not you. But, what about their ethical responsibility to me, the child, you naively ask? Well, money talks. What else can I say? "therapy" consisted of, if you disagreed wih a counselor, they would take out outside & hold you down until you wore yourself out struggling.

Hmm…you’ll have to help me out again. I don’t remember that form of therapy being covered in psych 101. Is it one of those new-age approaches? That first Thanksgiving after we moved down, my aunt killed herself. She was the relative I had always been most like, everyone in my family commented on how I was more like her and her daughter, my cousin, was more like my mother.

Okay, I’ll stop being flippant for this one. This is scary. I mean the family suicide connection between yourself and your aunt. Well, consider my situation. My mother ended it all when I was sixteen. And everyone tells me that I take after her. She was 36 when she died. And I’m now 46. And, frankly, I’m surprised that I’ve made it this far. When my mother was talking to me about it, she was so upset, she said, "Didn’t she know she could have talked to me?" but I remembered how she (my mother) had been whenever I had needed her. I didn’t say anything about THAT,

You were wise to keep your mouth shut.  She cannot help being limited in her understanding of this depression stuff. Who knows? Perhaps there will come a time when she will be prepared to truly listen to you and your feelings. I did get my GED a few years ago. Scored 90 percentile or higher on all the tests, too

Hey, there you go. I’m real glad you tossed that nice little detail into your story. But, I could kinda tell you were smart from the way you wrote your post. Anyways, now you have the "numbers" to "prove it". My husband says I should just not let things bother me.

As you know, much easier said than done. That is an archetypal normie statement. We’ve all heard it many times. I feel like I am losing my soul.

Which is why you feel a need to connect with others who will understand. Good decision. And, once again, welcome to asd. Gault

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Well, I am having another of my intermittent episodes of major depression.  Touched off, as usual, by rejection, another friend I cared deeply about & thought I could rely on deserting me to hang out with some people who are "more interesting". So far I have resisted the urge to start carving symbols into my flesh with a razor (but oh! what a *concrete* release that would be). My husband loves me very much (& I love him very much) but he does not understand and gets impatient with me for not just "snapping out of it". I am not in any kind of therapy… I have a deep distrust of therapists, ever since I was a kid my mother was always dragging me to various headshrinkers (at least none of them ever doped me up) who made my mother feel better… if all the normal aggravating kid-behaviour could instead be defined as "acting-out", then she was brave for having to deal with me, after all. When I was 9, she started sending me to this summer camp that was supposed to provide a "therapeutic environment".  Most of the counselors were in their late teens, and the "therapy" consisted of, if you disagreed wih a counselor, they would take out outside & hold you down until you wore yourself out struggling. When I was 16 I left home to move in with (yep, you guessed it) a physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive guy with mental problems of his own. I don’t feel like going into a lot of detail on this right now, but he watched, laughing, the time I tried to hang myself… when we split up I was 19, my mother tried to have me institutionalized, in a group home so I could still work so I could pay for it! I could probably have used a therapist at that point but I was so afraid for my very freedom, I was able to convince the folks at Norwalk Hospital’s Psych Dept. that I was a little troubled but basically OK, and got my own place as quick as I could… The only real problem about my relationship with my husband is that I got involved with him only weeks after the final split with my ex. Maybe if I had had more time on my own I would have built up a little more self esteem. Not long after we were married we moved to Texas. My ex was stalking me, our landlord was harrasing us, rents in Fairfield County, CT were just excessive. So I left the part of the country I had lived as long as I remember (since I was around 2, I had lived there). When first we got to Texas, we were living in San Antonio, we had very little money. That first Thanksgiving after we moved down, my aunt killed herself. She was the relative I had always been most like, everyone in my family commented on how I was more like her and her daughter, my cousin, was more like my mother. When my mother was talking to me about it, she was so upset, she said, "Didn’t she know she could have talked to me?" but I remembered how she (my mother) had been whenever I had needed her. I didn’t say anything about THAT, though. I still feel so bad for my cousin… she was in her early teens at the time… she is so strong, she just graduated High School (which I never did… I did get my GED a few years ago. Scored 90 percentile or higher on all the tests, too) and is starting college in the fall. In almost every way my life is fairl good now, we live in Austin (much nicer than San Antonio!), my husband has a good job, when our car died we were able to replace it without worries, but I still get so depressed, so easily… it does not take much to send me into a well of despair… My husband says I should just not let things bother me. I feel like I am losing my soul. Sorry this is so long. Once I started typing the words just kept coming. "Wrap tight your cloak around me and I’ll whisper close my dreams"         – Horslips, SWORD OF LIGHT Mother of Serpents http://www.geocities.com/soho/2273 Atalanta’s Bookshelf http://www.flash.net/~susan0 Check out our new tarot contest!

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