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Parenting differences leads to separation…

Question:

Clarification: "Deprivation" was 20 months. I spent the last 4 months getting my priorities straight, apologizing, working to re-earn her respect, improving  my relationship with my family, and trying to be a better person.  The last 3 months have been,  for lack of a better term "reverse deprivation"… I have asked to be re-admitted and been turned away. Your suggestion about going to counselling solo is well-taken. I will give this a try… at a minimum I can come out of the exercise wiser… TTG "misscee" <miss…@my-dejanews.com> wrote in message

news:misscee-DCD65C.16280708042001@news.mia.bellsouth.net… > You deprived her of sexual/emotional intimacy for two years. Then when > she decides she has finally had enough you try and patch things up. That > sounds like pretty serious stuff. I think you are missing what is really > going on here. I may be off base, but I don’t think your marriage > problems are about differing parenting styles. > If she doesn’t go to counseling, why don’t you go? You can’t control her > but you can control your own life. > misscee

".

Response:

Oddly enough I’ve been asking that question in various forms for months and the answer has been "I don’t know". When she announced her final decision to move out a week ago I asked a question phrased almost exactly like the one you suggest. She simply said "no". Sigh… TTG "Roger (Rog’)" <afn04…@afn.org> wrote in message

news:9aqkbm$8nhu$1@spnode25.nerdc.ufl.edu… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Regardless of what you want, its what she wants that’s going to determine > the outcome.  You can ask her, "Is there anything that I can do or that > could change your mind?"  If she says, "No," as I expect she will, then its > time to move on. > Don’t grovel, don’t beg, or do as you wish.  But make a plan to keep from > losing your shirt, and stick to it. > ===Rog’===

Response:

well, I hope it works out for you. I would say to not drag it out too long. If she wants to end this, just end it and move on. If there’s a shred of hope, then work on that. But only if it’s there. — JWB remove spamkiller to reply via e-mail "TryingToGrok" <tryingtog…@hotmail.com> wrote in message

news:3ad2ac08@news3.accesscomm.ca… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’m inclined to agree… she certainly hasn’t provided any sign of wanting > to salvage anything. Interesting that she stuck around for the last 2 years > and when I finally sort out what really is important and start to try to > work > on the relationship, she decides it is time to give up and move out. > I’ve offered to move out of our house (not that I have any desire to be > away from my kids) as it became more certain that she was going to > leave… but she is determined to be the one to move out. I haven’t been > able to determine her logic on this… perhaps looking for a completely > new start? > You may have a point with the psychological aspect of the fact that I > wasn’t the "sperm donor". S.O. has told me that I treat(ed) the 19 y/o > differently than the other two. I believe I’ve done my level best to be > balanced in parenting… the younger ones haven’t found near the > trouble or worked as hard to lose my trust as the eldest (at least not > yet). > At this point it is S.O.’s perception more than reality that matters, I > guess. > TTG > "JWB" <jwbspamkiller3…@excite.com> wrote in message > news:MJ%z6.5782$l5.5081684@newsfeed1.thebiz.net… > > it doesn’t sound like she wants to salvage anything. Maybe she’s wanted > > "out" for awhile, and you gave her a reason. > > Do you think the fact that the 19 y/o isn’t "yours" may have something to > do > > with it (psychologically, anyway) in your wife’s mind? > > You two need some serious discussion with each other (or counseling, which > > in my mind is forced discussion with a moderator) if you want to save > this. > > But it can only be saved if both of you want it. > > — > > JWB

Response:

I’m inclined to agree… she certainly hasn’t provided any sign of wanting to salvage anything. Interesting that she stuck around for the last 2 years and when I finally sort out what really is important and start to try to work on the relationship, she decides it is time to give up and move out. I’ve offered to move out of our house (not that I have any desire to be away from my kids) as it became more certain that she was going to leave… but she is determined to be the one to move out. I haven’t been able to determine her logic on this… perhaps looking for a completely new start? You may have a point with the psychological aspect of the fact that I wasn’t the "sperm donor". S.O. has told me that I treat(ed) the 19 y/o differently than the other two. I believe I’ve done my level best to be balanced in parenting… the younger ones haven’t found near the trouble or worked as hard to lose my trust as the eldest (at least not yet). At this point it is S.O.’s perception more than reality that matters, I guess. TTG "JWB" <jwbspamkiller3…@excite.com> wrote in message

news:MJ%z6.5782$l5.5081684@newsfeed1.thebiz.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> it doesn’t sound like she wants to salvage anything. Maybe she’s wanted > "out" for awhile, and you gave her a reason. > Do you think the fact that the 19 y/o isn’t "yours" may have something to do > with it (psychologically, anyway) in your wife’s mind? > You two need some serious discussion with each other (or counseling, which > in my mind is forced discussion with a moderator) if you want to save this. > But it can only be saved if both of you want it. > — > JWB

Response:

> You’ve explained your side of the story but I wonder what it looks > like from hers.

This is a bit of insight that I’d like a look at too… maybe a counsellor can help in this space… if only I can get her to a) attend and b) participate… > Maybe you’ve been trying too hard and she’s simply not talking.  It > could be that she badly needs some space.

I’ve offered and provided as much space under the same roof as is possible. I’d love to think that after a few months her emotional batteries will recharge and she may be willing to invest some energy reviving the "defunct relationship"… seems like a long shot at this point… TTG "mephisto" <mephi…@noemail.com> wrote in message

news:6441dt4llorf2uj0uthjcf3n4riqe2b3t1@4ax.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> On Sun, 8 Apr 2001 09:25:52 -0600, "TryingToGrok" > <tryingtog…@hotmail.com> wrote: > > I’ve spent the last four months trying to patch things up with > >S.O. but she tells me that she isn’t interested in our "defunct > >relationship". She also says that she isn’t interested in > >participating in counselling. She is determined that I’m no > >longer necessary for her "definition of self" and is "emotionally > >drained". She plans to move out in a few weeks. > It sounds as though it’s pointless for you to continue whatever > methods you’ve been using to talk/persuade her.  Sounds to me as > though you should begin preparing yourself for the probable, not > focusing on the improbable. > You’ve explained your side of the story but I wonder what it looks > like from hers. > I don’t think you should have been necessary for her "definition of > self."  That could be a clue, tryingtogrok. > >She hasbeen unable to tell me what she is running away from or to, > >and has been unable to tell me what she wants or needs. > Maybe you’ve been trying too hard and she’s simply not talking.  It > could be that she badly needs some space. > — > reply by e-mail to mephisto (at) cotse.com

Response:

Regardless of what you want, its what she wants that’s going to determine the outcome.  You can ask her, "Is there anything that I can do or that could change your mind?"  If she says, "No," as I expect she will, then its time to move on. Don’t grovel, don’t beg, or do as you wish.  But make a plan to keep from losing your shirt, and stick to it. ===Rog’=== "TryingToGrok" <tryingtog…@hotmail.com> wrote in message

news:3ad0825a@news3.accesscomm.ca… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Friendship grew into love with a fellow university student > 20 years ago. She was pregnant by an ex-boyfriend but > that didn’t matter to me. We’ve lived common law (neither > of us were keen on formalities of a wedding). Two more > children (age 14 and 16) and 20 years later, we’ve got a > problem the group might be able to provide some > suggestions for. > Our eldest (now 19) is a very bright girl and basically a > good kid, but was a handful from age 13 on… outside of > the usual teen trouble her choice of boyfriend (high school > dropout 8 years her elder) was the major issue. > I was raised in a strict household. S.O. was raised in a > looser structure where, once you reached your early teen > years, you were basically on your own. I spent two years > struggling to discourage my daughter’s relationship, with > decreasing support from S.O. and I started to see S.O. as > part of the problem. It seemed to me that S.O. was acting > as a sister not as a mother, to her daughter and was > undermining my parenting efforts. > Two years ago, lacking respect for my S.O. as a parent, > I withdrew from her, including sleeping in a different room. > We both recognized that we needed to work on our > relationship, but we were both too stubborn to make the > first move for a long time. >  I’ve spent the last four months trying to patch things up with > S.O. but she tells me that she isn’t interested in our "defunct > relationship". She also says that she isn’t interested in > participating in counselling. She is determined that I’m no > longer necessary for her "definition of self" and is "emotionally > drained". She plans to move out in a few weeks. She has > been unable to tell me what she is running away from or to, > and has been unable to tell me what she wants or needs. > I’ve taken the blame for the relationship faltering and have > apologized repeatedly (No, she hasn’t forgiven me). I have > gone through some personal change and have offered my > efforts for more change. I believe that I’m responsible for > the situation my family is in. I’m where I deserve to be… > but I’ve been trying to deserve better for myself and my family. > Suggestions are welcome… I want very badly to salvage this. > Thanks… > Trying To Grok

Response:

On Sun, 8 Apr 2001 09:25:52 -0600, "TryingToGrok" <tryingtog…@hotmail.com> wrote: > I’ve spent the last four months trying to patch things up with >S.O. but she tells me that she isn’t interested in our "defunct >relationship". She also says that she isn’t interested in >participating in counselling. She is determined that I’m no >longer necessary for her "definition of self" and is "emotionally >drained". She plans to move out in a few weeks.

It sounds as though it’s pointless for you to continue whatever methods you’ve been using to talk/persuade her.  Sounds to me as though you should begin preparing yourself for the probable, not focusing on the improbable.   You’ve explained your side of the story but I wonder what it looks like from hers. I don’t think you should have been necessary for her "definition of self."  That could be a clue, tryingtogrok. >She hasbeen unable to tell me what she is running away from or to, >and has been unable to tell me what she wants or needs.

Maybe you’ve been trying too hard and she’s simply not talking.  It could be that she badly needs some space.   — reply by e-mail to mephisto (at) cotse.com

Response:

it doesn’t sound like she wants to salvage anything. Maybe she’s wanted "out" for awhile, and you gave her a reason. Do you think the fact that the 19 y/o isn’t "yours" may have something to do with it (psychologically, anyway) in your wife’s mind? You two need some serious discussion with each other (or counseling, which in my mind is forced discussion with a moderator) if you want to save this. But it can only be saved if both of you want it. — JWB remove spamkiller to reply via e-mail "TryingToGrok" <tryingtog…@hotmail.com> wrote in message

news:3ad0825a@news3.accesscomm.ca… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Friendship grew into love with a fellow university student > 20 years ago. She was pregnant by an ex-boyfriend but > that didn’t matter to me. We’ve lived common law (neither > of us were keen on formalities of a wedding). Two more > children (age 14 and 16) and 20 years later, we’ve got a > problem the group might be able to provide some > suggestions for. > Our eldest (now 19) is a very bright girl and basically a > good kid, but was a handful from age 13 on… outside of > the usual teen trouble her choice of boyfriend (high school > dropout 8 years her elder) was the major issue. > I was raised in a strict household. S.O. was raised in a > looser structure where, once you reached your early teen > years, you were basically on your own. I spent two years > struggling to discourage my daughter’s relationship, with > decreasing support from S.O. and I started to see S.O. as > part of the problem. It seemed to me that S.O. was acting > as a sister not as a mother, to her daughter and was > undermining my parenting efforts. > Two years ago, lacking respect for my S.O. as a parent, > I withdrew from her, including sleeping in a different room. > We both recognized that we needed to work on our > relationship, but we were both too stubborn to make the > first move for a long time. >  I’ve spent the last four months trying to patch things up with > S.O. but she tells me that she isn’t interested in our "defunct > relationship". She also says that she isn’t interested in > participating in counselling. She is determined that I’m no > longer necessary for her "definition of self" and is "emotionally > drained". She plans to move out in a few weeks. She has > been unable to tell me what she is running away from or to, > and has been unable to tell me what she wants or needs. > I’ve taken the blame for the relationship faltering and have > apologized repeatedly (No, she hasn’t forgiven me). I have > gone through some personal change and have offered my > efforts for more change. I believe that I’m responsible for > the situation my family is in. I’m where I deserve to be… > but I’ve been trying to deserve better for myself and my family. > Suggestions are welcome… I want very badly to salvage this. > Thanks… > Trying To Grok

Response:

Friendship grew into love with a fellow university student 20 years ago. She was pregnant by an ex-boyfriend but that didn’t matter to me. We’ve lived common law (neither of us were keen on formalities of a wedding). Two more children (age 14 and 16) and 20 years later, we’ve got a problem the group might be able to provide some suggestions for. Our eldest (now 19) is a very bright girl and basically a good kid, but was a handful from age 13 on… outside of the usual teen trouble her choice of boyfriend (high school dropout 8 years her elder) was the major issue. I was raised in a strict household. S.O. was raised in a looser structure where, once you reached your early teen years, you were basically on your own. I spent two years struggling to discourage my daughter’s relationship, with decreasing support from S.O. and I started to see S.O. as part of the problem. It seemed to me that S.O. was acting as a sister not as a mother, to her daughter and was undermining my parenting efforts. Two years ago, lacking respect for my S.O. as a parent, I withdrew from her, including sleeping in a different room. We both recognized that we needed to work on our relationship, but we were both too stubborn to make the first move for a long time.  I’ve spent the last four months trying to patch things up with S.O. but she tells me that she isn’t interested in our "defunct relationship". She also says that she isn’t interested in participating in counselling. She is determined that I’m no longer necessary for her "definition of self" and is "emotionally drained". She plans to move out in a few weeks. She has been unable to tell me what she is running away from or to, and has been unable to tell me what she wants or needs. I’ve taken the blame for the relationship faltering and have apologized repeatedly (No, she hasn’t forgiven me). I have gone through some personal change and have offered my efforts for more change. I believe that I’m responsible for the situation my family is in. I’m where I deserve to be… but I’ve been trying to deserve better for myself and my family. Suggestions are welcome… I want very badly to salvage this. Thanks… Trying To Grok

Response:

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