Act Acting » Acting School » Schizophrenia, medication and personal experiences.

Schizophrenia, medication and personal experiences.

Question:

I read every word of your detailed account of that first psychotic episode.  It sounds a lot like the things you were supposed to do didn’t work, so your mind tried things you’re not supposed to do.  What you describe is a strong argument against sz being caused by some nebulous "chemical imbalance."  Your problems seem definitely to be caused by your experiences, possibly contributed to by the drugs.  The sad thing is that i don’t think you would have started taking drugs at all if the coping strategies that were supposed to work, had worked. Only a couple of detailed comments. Llynix wrote: > I was abused by both clients and staff.  However at this point I’ve let > bygones be bygones.  

At law, the owners of the hospital are ultimately responsible if you get raped by one of the other patients.  The guy who actually raped you might not have anything happen to him unless you file criminal charges.   The owners, however, are probably rich and wouldn’t miss the million or two you’d get from them if your lawsuit were successful.  I’m not talking about some kind of emotional catharsis or revenge.  You don’t get those from a civil suit.  I’m talking about making sure you’re financially comfortable for the rest of your life.  After all the shit you’ve been through, you deserve it. >> The test of whether they are insane is whether they help you live your >> life better or make life more difficult and worse.  Everyone has >> insane thoughts from time to time. > I always thought the test was whether society accepts them as a little > off the wall, or locks you up for them

I’m talking about how a person should look at his own mental states.  I look at them that way.  Anything that improves my life is sane, anything that doesn’t isn’t. Nice talking to you. Miki

Response:

"Schizo857" <schizo…@aol.com> wrote in message

news:20031213112709.09719.00000694@mb-m17.aol.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >Do you think he lying or something? > Lying and denying are to different things. > >’We’ are just people with a mental illness.  That is all. > Defining mental inlness is like defining normal.   If you choose to belive > you’re mentally ill that is your choice. I insist that I am not. Some people do > loose their minds while others discover that their is more to life than meets > the eye. Do some people see things that are not their? Of course, but many have > real expeirince that can only be explained as supernatural. It happens all the > time.  If what you say it true then some we are higher evolved beings that can > sense things others can’t. > I know I can. > >I wont go into your personal religious beliefs. > It has nothing to do with belifes. I seldom read the bible.  This has to do > with a creator or higher force.  It does exsist. > I have had prayers answered many times. > >Im sorry, but thinking like this leads to delusions. > Not with me. I think you’re just scared to explore the other side. You can’t > handle it it seems. > >No, its just coincidence. > Bull shit. To many things to be that. > >People cant ’sense’ anything.  If > >they could the world wouldnt be in this mess. > The world is in a mess becuase of the human disconnect today. The government > has replaced the role of what neighbors are for. When is the last time you gave > some one a hug? > >So because a strange dog happened to come up to you… that means something > >to you. > Is everything that simple to you? > This only provves how shallow you are. > The stray dog account is common with people like us. > >Theres no such thing as magic.  A > Meeting your guardian angel is not magic.

You are still delusional. Troop – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –

Response:

> Anyone out there actually have decent relationships despite their sz? Is > there hope that I actually might find a decent girl that can put up with > my disorder? > Llynix

   Hi Llynix   Ive been dealing with this since I was 17 on and off meds.   Ive got fairly good relationships going. I’m married with some kids.   Your writing really grabbed my attention like no one elses has ever done before.  You really are able to describe what it was like for me too. My theme in my first episode was religous with a little bit of this paranoid alien "they are watching in the sky and pulling the strings sort of stuff"  Funny, I was with some people at the time and the Guys were planning a party and they went to this dry ice place, and got a keggar of beer… I thought they were making a device to run like a motor run on rotting vegetables stuffed in the empty kegger "methane gas" this was back in 73 and I was in high school, and I was 17..   I was,, Oh never mind,,, the story but after that episode I wasn’t quite the same again and did everything I could to fight off having that happen to me again…. But it did happen again and alot of times it was proceded with depression.      Over the years I had many dxes,,,    Now the shrinks say Bi polar/ schizo-affective,    Ive found the anti seizure drugs used to treat Bi polars and of course people who have seizures to be a whole new and better experience than the anti psychotics which I couldn’t tolerate nor really did I want to tolerate them… I used to say I wouldn’t give anti psychotics to my worst enemy….. I guess though they work for some people with minimal side effects…. They didn’t really help me at all…      Anyway,, sorry for going On,,,    I just wanted to say something…   I have read this group for quite a few years and maybe made 4 posts in all this time…    take care   Vicky

Response:

>Do you think he lying or something?

Lying and denying are to different things. >’We’ are just people with a mental illness.  That is all.

Defining mental inlness is like defining normal.   If you choose to belive you’re mentally ill that is your choice. I insist that I am not. Some people do loose their minds while others discover that their is more to life than meets the eye. Do some people see things that are not their? Of course, but many have real expeirince that can only be explained as supernatural. It happens all the time.  If what you say it true then some we are higher evolved beings that can sense things others can’t. I know I can.   >I wont go into your personal religious beliefs.

It has nothing to do with belifes. I seldom read the bible.  This has to do with a creator or higher force.  It does exsist. I have had prayers answered many times. >Im sorry, but thinking like this leads to delusions.

Not with me. I think you’re just scared to explore the other side. You can’t handle it it seems. >No, its just coincidence.

Bull shit. To many things to be that. >People cant ’sense’ anything.  If >they could the world wouldnt be in this mess.

The world is in a mess becuase of the human disconnect today. The government has replaced the role of what neighbors are for. When is the last time you gave some one a hug? >So because a strange dog happened to come up to you… that means something >to you.

Is everything that simple to you? This only provves how shallow you are. The stray dog account is common with people like us. >Theres no such thing as magic.  A

Meeting your guardian angel is not magic.

Response:

my psycosis sons a lot like yours it started when i was smoking pot iv seen pot triger it in many many ppl put it this way when im not drinking or smoking i need to take 1-3mg of respiradol when i was using i was put on 8 and that dident evan control it in my opinion pot can case schitsophreania in normal people and drink has been proven to do so "Llynix" <lly…@sw.rr.com> wrote in message

news:845622e1.0312102302.45e3e7a1@posting.google.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Let me introduce myself first as this is my first in depth post on > this newsgroup and the first time I really gotten the opportunity to > talk candidly about my illness. > I’m 23 years old and I’ve had 2 major schizophrenic episodes during my > life in which the end result was a trip to the state hospitol. > I’m sure I don’t need to go into my state of mind at the time during > these episodes but in summary the first time I was sure the CIA wanted > dead because I wouldn’t become one of their expert hackers.  The > second time was a smattering of twenty or so odd delusions and > hallucinations that included me being trapped in the matrix, being > responsible for the NYC blackout, being among the many Gods, and being > the new messiah. > Both would make for some excellent sci-fi novels. > The first episode I was very self destructive and destructive to > property and people around me. > This past episode I was a little better, and didn’t cause as much > damage but I did damage several relationships and lost a few friends > and a fiance because of it. > The first time I was at the state hospitol I was 17 and was prescribed > a very heavy dosage of haldol (if I remember 35mgs) which I had > serious side effects to.  (EPS and a totally zombified behavior)  It > was not a pleasant trip at all as I was abused sexually and physically > during much of the stay. > This last time was much better.  I was prescribed the maximum dosage > of zyprexa (10 mgs twice a day) and again had serious side effects. > (Overeating to the point of my stomach really hurting, zombiefied > behavior, severe photosensitivity, loss of fine motor control.)  There > was no abuse this time. > I am currently receiving treatment at a local mental health center. > They have since lowered my dosage to 5 mgs (much less zombifying). > Because of my lack of insurance and financial situation I’m not able > to get much more treatment.  While the center provides medication and > a psychiatrist the meetings with the psychiatrist have turned into > five minute sessions of "How you doing."  "good"  "very good here is > more medication" > I can honestly say I don’t really like the medication at all.  However > until my mind and body quiet down some and life returns to it’s > regular normalicy I realize that the medication is a well needed > thing. > The loss of my fiance hit me hard, she left me during the ordeal for > someone who I thought was a friend of mine and immediatly got pregnant > by him.  We were trying for a child.  Also my grandmother whom I’m > very close to is dying of cancer. > My first episode was triggered by my parents divorcing.  They divorced > rather quickly and split up leaving behind broken pieces of a family. > My father and sister were going to move to another state.  My mother > was in a very depressive state (she was for 9 years) and it was not > really decided what she was doing.  I was going to stay with friends > and finish up school.  I was struggling to get a vehicle, finish up > drivers education, pack up my belongings, and I had a full load at > high school with extra classes to graduate a year early. > My friends were trying to help in their own ways.  I had become very > restless.  The offered me parties as a way to relax.  Drugs, drinks > and food.  I started to become very paraniod of their intentions as it > seemed to me that what I really needed was a leg up for my future. > This second episode was triggered by me losing my job, although I > think my stressed relationship, the NYC blackout and other a few other > major events added to it.  I lost sight of school and tried to open my > own buisness (no idea where that thought came from, but I have a tax > permit now  I worked this buisness for 4-5 days straight with no > sleep ended up dumping the fiance, running over to another female > friends house and staying there for a couple days until she called the > cops on me.  I spent the next three days awake in solitary confinement > (this is where most of the delusions come from but the first threads > of them started much earlier) and then the next 13 days in the state > hospitol. > Both times because of being so heavily medicated I came off the > medication almost immediatly after being ‘free’.  The first time I was > successful in controlling my psychosis and meditating through my > insane thoughts.  It wasn’t very easy but somehow I made it through > just fine without any further reprecussions. > Eventually the insane thoughts would quiet down to normal (I imagine > everyone gets insane thoughts from time to time.  I can handle a few a > week with no problems > This past time coming off the medication was MUCH more difficult.  My > body went into a few day period of intense pain.  The delusional > thoughts seemed to rush in and meditating had no effect.  My fiance > wasn’t helping matters much by running away from the situation and > escaping into the arms of drugs and the friend that she would shortly > leave me for. > I had a mini-episode.  But by this time family knew the situation > quite well.  Under their advice I started my medication back up only > halving the zyprexa from 15 mgs to 7.5 (or as close as you can get > cutting an unscored tablet in half) which helped the zombification (I > was a walking vegetable at 15 mgs) greatly. > A side note.  During the first experience I was a recreational pot > smoker.  During this last episode I had grown into a full grown pot > head. > I had one mini-episode in between these two due to finding out I’m a > niave retard when it comes to relationships and getting my face broken > in two because of a Tae Kwon Do sparring match, however I was clean > and sober and of good physical health.  With a little consuling and > help from friends and family I was back on my feet.  (although I did > lose a semester of college)  This episode had no serious side effects > and I didn’t do anything damaging to myself or others except for > getting very angry at an ex-girlfriend, but she was cheating on me > during the last three months of our relationship so I figure I’m > allowed. > I have a sneaking strong suspicion that the pot smoking did not at all > help my condition and that maybe I could have avoided both instances > if I had a more drug free approach.  I have since been clean and sober > for 4 months with only occasional recreational drinking.  I have also > been getting back in shape.  I would like to hear other peoples > experiences with this. > Between these episodes and when all is "normal" I get irrational > thoughts.  I get slight auditory hallucinations however other then the > first couple of days of this last episode I have not had any visual > halluciantions.  For the most part though, I get a smattering > collection of ideas, recollections, memories, conversations and misc > thoughts ram rodding though my mind.  From time to time I physically > jerk at the robustness of these memories. > On the medication I get barely any of this.  My brain seems to go in > spurts like a car running out of gas.  It used to be an information > superhighway of concious and subconcious thought. > I am also much less active.  I have been gaining a little weight (a > good thing I’m slightly underweight) however I used to have an endless > abundance of energy and now I have to work to get excited. > I can say quite deffiantly that I miss the stream of ideas and > thoughts.  I used to be very active and the life of any situation.  I > would engage in interesting and stimulating conversation.  I can still > function normally, but it takes work.  All the knowledge, thoughts, > ideas and memories are up there, but I have to actually access them > and think about it. > One could say my subconcious used to run wild while I conciously sat > back and smiled and laughed at the thrill of the ride. > Now that subconcious beast is gone > My main reason for this post is to ask this.  Are there any > schizophrenics that control their condition without medication?  Can > anyone confirm a healthier, drug free lifestyle leading to an episode > free life?  Anyone else have similar experiences with medication > giving a weak and foggy state? > I welcome any ideas, thoughts and suggesstions.  Also feel free to > email me. > Thank you for listening to my very long ramble. > Llynix

Response:

Llynix wrote: > I often wonder if this is under your definition sane or insane.  Gaining >  social skills that quickly certainly caused huge problems.  Perhaps if > I had never taken it I would have gained the social skills slowly and > matured into them.  Instead of gaining them overnight and childishly > playing with them.

It’s possible to be too sociable.  I find the key to socializing is discrimination.  If you’re able to choose the people you socialize with, and choose them wisely, then there’s no problem.  If you befriend people who are no good to you and seem to have no judgment about whom to befriend, then there is a big problem.  For most of my life I’ve had lousy taste in friends.  Now I have exactly two friends and they’re both keepers. > Llynix

Miki

Response:

"Schizo857" <schizo…@aol.com> wrote in message

news:20031212173439.04365.00000742@mb-m29.aol.com… > >It is nice that I’m not the only one with the matrix delusion.  While I > >was in the state hospital I found many of the patients there were having > >episodes triggered by 9/11. > Those 3 thousand souls need a place to go. They are searching.

Theyre dead.  Theyre not searching for anything. > >ecause the anniversary of it didn’t really effect > >me much. > So you think.

Do you think he lying or something? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >You can check back to a past post in this thread for a full account of > >my matrix delusion if your interested. > Very much so. > >I also had many ghosts from my past return to me.  The group of friends > >I have now are directly from my episode.  Out of the blue old friends > >popped out of the woodwork. > Karma. We are not alone.  We are special people. Anyone who does not understand >  this is 2 demesnial and shallow.

‘We’ are just people with a mental illness.  That is all. > > I only wish my girlfriend had decided to go with me down > >the path of self healing instead of with them down a path of self > >destruction. > That was her choice.  God had a different plan for her and a different

lesson. I wont go into your personal religious beliefs. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >My first episode I had no one but myself to help me through my ordeal. > That makes it tough. > >This second episode I have found a wonderful group of friends who listen > >and supports me unconditionally. > It,s more than that. They love you. > >Right in the middle of my episode I had three friends I hadn’t heard > >from in years come out of the blue and ask me if I was alright.  Very > >strange. > Not strange at all. They are your brothers > and sisters. > >When I quieted down with my delusions I had one left over.  A sort of > >string/gravity theory that we are all connected in some way. > Not a delusion.  We are connected. > When we have a so called episode that’s when we fell the connection very > strongly.

Im sorry, but thinking like this leads to delusions.  As if we can feel and connect to another person even though their not around.  Or that we are just one small part of a greater whole.  We are all just individuals.  That is all. > >many times when I would be thinking hard about someone and then they > >would call up immediately afterwords or I’d check my email to see them > >writing me. > They can sense that.

No, its just coincidence.  Trying to make patterns and connections of coincidence leads to delusional thinking.  People cant ’sense’ anything.  If they could the world wouldnt be in this mess.  Everyone would be on the same plane of thinking. > >and there were all these stray > >dogs that were coming to me left and right. > Same thing happened to me. A stray dog I had never seen before came to me. He > kept sniffing my hands and all around the property.

So because a strange dog happened to come up to you… that means something to you.  Strange dogs abound.  They go up to people all of the time.  It doesnt mean anything special.  Its just a dog. > >Is there hope that I actually might find a decent girl that can put up > >with my disorder? > Yep,my wife was with me though it all. The tough thing is she don’t get it. > She’s not convinced I met my gurdian angel, but I know I did.

Youre not thinking clearly. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Try this one on for size. > I met this women for dinner , but only after praying to find someone who would > understand.  We go out to the car after chatting for an hour and I looked into > her eyes and it was all over. I hugged her and dhe strated crying first. After > that I did also. It was then when she asked me what I felt. I said like I have > known you all my life.  She said the same. I then said you are an angel. It was > then when she said the following.  She said some once told her to surround your > self with what you want to be. When she told me her room was plastered with > pictures of angles I alsomost passed out.  We talked for hours.  We both agreed > that we knew each other from a past life. It’s an amazing thing when 2 people > who have.

Do you believe in ‘past lives’?  There is no such thing.  If there were people would just leave their inheritance for themselves.  People would have knowladge of events that occured decades ago, and people would be able to call up old friends who havent passed on yet.  In examining delusions we can not abandon logical thinking.  Theres no such thing as magic.  A certain sign that a person is entering a delusional state is when they start believing in magic and occurances that defy logic and reason. Troop

Response:

>It is nice that I’m not the only one with the matrix delusion.  While I >was in the state hospital I found many of the patients there were having >episodes triggered by 9/11.  

Those 3 thousand souls need a place to go. They are searching. >ecause the anniversary of it didn’t really effect >me much.

So you think. >You can check back to a past post in this thread for a full account of >my matrix delusion if your interested.

Very much so. >I also had many ghosts from my past return to me.  The group of friends >I have now are directly from my episode.  Out of the blue old friends >popped out of the woodwork.

Karma. We are not alone.  We are special people. Anyone who does not understand  this is 2 demesnial and shallow. > I only wish my girlfriend had decided to go with me down >the path of self healing instead of with them down a path of self >destruction.

That was her choice.  God had a different plan for her and a different lesson. >My first episode I had no one but myself to help me through my ordeal.

That makes it tough. >This second episode I have found a wonderful group of friends who listen >and supports me unconditionally.

It,s more than that. They love you. >Right in the middle of my episode I had three friends I hadn’t heard >from in years come out of the blue and ask me if I was alright.  Very >strange.

Not strange at all. They are your brothers and sisters. >When I quieted down with my delusions I had one left over.  A sort of >string/gravity theory that we are all connected in some way.

Not a delusion.  We are connected. When we have a so called episode that’s when we fell the connection very strongly. >many times when I would be thinking hard about someone and then they >would call up immediately afterwords or I’d check my email to see them >writing me.

They can sense that. >and there were all these stray >dogs that were coming to me left and right.

Same thing happened to me. A stray dog I had never seen before came to me. He kept sniffing my hands and all around the property. >Is there hope that I actually might find a decent girl that can put up >with my disorder?

Yep,my wife was with me though it all. The tough thing is she don’t get it. She’s not convinced I met my gurdian angel, but I know I did.   Try this one on for size.   I met this women for dinner , but only after praying to find someone who would understand.  We go out to the car after chatting for an hour and I looked into her eyes and it was all over. I hugged her and dhe strated crying first. After that I did also. It was then when she asked me what I felt. I said like I have known you all my life.  She said the same. I then said you are an angel. It was then when she said the following.  She said some once told her to surround your self with what you want to be. When she told me her room was plastered with pictures of angles I alsomost passed out.  We talked for hours.  We both agreed that we knew each other from a past life. It’s an amazing thing when 2 people who have.

Response:

"Llynix"  Normally I > don’t have much of a temper although I’ll fly off the handle if you > bother me too much.  I like to say I have a very long fuse with a big > stick of dynamite at the end. > Llynix

I wouldnt count this as your normal temperment.  It may be that youre suffering a form of disinhibition brought on by stress.  In these situations coping stratagies learned from a psychologist can help.  Maybe something worth exploring? Troop

Response:

Cubit wrote: >>The first time I was at the state hospitol I was 17 and was prescribed >>a very heavy dosage of haldol (if I remember 35mgs) which I had >>serious side effects to.  (EPS and a totally zombified behavior)  It >>was not a pleasant trip at all as I was abused sexually and physically >>during much of the stay. > I’m wonderring if you imagined this.  However, if you were abused sexually > and physically at a State Hospital, you may wish to talk to a lawyer….

The thought has crossed my mind that it was imagined.  But during that first trip the visual and auditory hallucinations quickly went away.  I really think the pot smoking can be partially attributed to them.  The client who raped me when I first got there continued to molest me.  And try as I might to think it was just my psychosis he kept coming back. Staff observed him molest me on several occasions and eventually we were separated. > I’m sorry to hear they were still using an old med like haldol.

I as well.  All I’ve heard is horror stories about the drug.  I remember reading that at high dosages over long periods it can cause serious brain damage.  That made me feel real good as they told me I was going to have to be on it the rest of my life. >>This last time was much better.  I was prescribed the maximum dosage >>of zyprexa (10 mgs twice a day) and again had serious side effects. >>(Overeating to the point of my stomach really hurting, zombiefied >>behavior, severe photosensitivity, loss of fine motor control.)  There >>was no abuse this time. > Zyprexa is notorious for causing weight gain and suspected of causing > diabetes.

Yes, when I was first there I was given double portions of food because I was under weight.  With the high dosage of zyprexa I ate all of the meal.  On top of that I had severe constipation.  So for the first week there I was eating six meals a day and didn’t have any bowel movements. I was a starving etheopian with a little pug pot belly.  My stomach seriously HURT. Eventually I learned to control the overactive appetite and leave some of the meal on my plate.  I also asked the nurses kindly for prune juice and milk of magnesia which could be given out freely. I now diet myself to some degree, making sure I just eat three square meals a day.  I’ve been gaining the weight slowly and coupled with my workouts it’s actually going to muscle and not fat. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->>I am currently receiving treatment at a local mental health center. >>They have since lowered my dosage to 5 mgs (much less zombifying). > Try to find a better med. >>Because of my lack of insurance and financial situation I’m not able >>to get much more treatment.  While the center provides medication and >>a psychiatrist the meetings with the psychiatrist have turned into >>five minute sessions of "How you doing."  "good"  "very good here is >>more medication" > Walk into a Social Security Office.  They may be able to help, or connect > you to other programs like Medicaid.

Unfortunately I am a young male without any dependents.  Which means that I should be able to get a job easily and have no need for health care. If I were to go without my job for six months I would qualify for disability, but I have to live somehow. I’m getting all the financial help they have to offer now, which is food stamps for the next month.  After this month the food stamps ends because I, as a 23 year old male, should have no problem finding a job. Even though I’m slanted for full time college they still expect me to work at least 30 hours a week in order to further qualify for food stamps. So I’m basically on my own here.  Thank god for student loans. > Some can avoid trouble with a very small dose.  You need to weigh the risk > of a relapse against the effects of dailey sedation and side effects.  Can > you recognize when you are losing it, and medicate yourself when needed?

This last slip I did recognize that I was losing it.  And even seeked out help.  Unfortunately I made a lot of mistakes in being a little to jumpy. Again I really think the pot smoking did me in.  I was losing it but still holding on very well if that makes sense.  I completely recognized that these ideas were irrational and out of control.  I went to my grandmothers to tell her I’m slipping away again.  She gave me a zanex to calm me down and I had a few hours sleep.  (unfortuantly they cut down her zanex perscription.)  After that few hours sleep I felt much better.  So I went on home to continue my day. Another restless night came about and then another.  Soon I was slipping away again.  My girlfriend was driving me up a wall and I left the house and didn’t tell her where I was going so that I could spend some time alone.  I thought about going to my grandmothers house but she lives far away and I wasn’t sure if I could make the journey on 3 days no sleep. I was looking for a nice quiet place I could lay my head down and rest. I went over a friends house.  Tried to sleep but drama upon drama was there.. they were smoking pot and speed.  I took a hit off the peace pipe.  And within a few minutes I was 100% in a full blown sz episode. I really seriously went to a nervous manic to a full blown crazy person in a couple of minutes as the drug hit me.  I think as a nervous manic I probably could have been talked down or relaxed, if nothing else there would have been some more time to allow for a window of intervention. Coulda asked for a damn back massage or something.  It was my own stupid thinking.  Previous to that pot smoking I had ONE auditory hallucination.  The next few days after that smoke would be filled with them. http://abcnews.go.com/sections/living/Healthology/HS_marijuana_depres… I can honestly say I believe this study to be true.  From my own experiences I once had a mini episode when I lost both a girlfriend and had my skull split in two in the same day.  However with a little consoling I was able to get back on my feet.  No auditory or visual hallucinations, a few scattered paranoid thoughts, and a slight depression afterwords. During this mini episode I was not on any drugs and had been drug free for quite some time. >>The loss of my fiance hit me hard, she left me during the ordeal for >>someone who I thought was a friend of mine and immediatly got pregnant >>by him. > Nice.  [sarcasm] > Forget her.

I have been trying to.  And women in general.  I’m trying to focus more on friends and my future.

Response:

To me it’s "Hermit" or "Hospital", one OR the other. Everybody is a Nazi when you’re on benefits or mentally ill. Keep typing, your story is valid. I might get the "Black Shakes" from reading this text!  ;)

Response:

Miki Kocic wrote: > I read every word of your detailed account of that first psychotic > episode.  It sounds a lot like the things you were supposed to do didn’t > work, so your mind tried things you’re not supposed to do.  What you > describe is a strong argument against sz being caused by some nebulous > "chemical imbalance."  Your problems seem definitely to be caused by > your experiences, possibly contributed to by the drugs.  The sad thing > is that i don’t think you would have started taking drugs at all if the > coping strategies that were supposed to work, had worked.

I very much think my sz is caused more by experiences and triggered by stress then by a chemical imbalance. > I’m talking about how a person should look at his own mental states.  I > look at them that way.  Anything that improves my life is sane, anything > that doesn’t isn’t. > Nice talking to you. > Miki

Hmm..  then the past few months I’ve been mostly sane. But I do have one contradiction from my life.  For a short while I was involved with the techno scene and took the illegal drug ecstasy (MDMA).    I would continue to take it for a short while but then realized I was quite mentally addicted to it and discontinued.  The drug opened doors for me and I strongly developed my social skills almost over night. Shortly I had the balls to walk up to anyone and talk to them with small talk or whatever else.  This confidence stayed with me even after I discontinued the drug. It was empowering.  It certainly improved my life but in many ways it destroyed it as well.  I found that as a young attractive male I could easily go to the local bar and pick up a friendly girl.  One night I took it upon myself to bring a few home. I was going through friendships left and right and very much experimenting with people, with communication and with myself. It took awhile to quiet down my new found social skills to a more acceptable level. I often wonder if this is under your definition sane or insane.  Gaining   social skills that quickly certainly caused huge problems.  Perhaps if I had never taken it I would have gained the social skills slowly and matured into them.  Instead of gaining them overnight and childishly playing with them. Llynix

Response:

Cymbal Man Freq. wrote: > Keep typing, your story is valid.

Cymbal is right. Nicely. DrenKa.

Response:

> The first time I was at the state hospitol I was 17 and was prescribed > a very heavy dosage of haldol (if I remember 35mgs) which I had > serious side effects to.  (EPS and a totally zombified behavior)  It > was not a pleasant trip at all as I was abused sexually and physically > during much of the stay.

I’m wonderring if you imagined this.  However, if you were abused sexually and physically at a State Hospital, you may wish to talk to a lawyer…. I’m sorry to hear they were still using an old med like haldol. > This last time was much better.  I was prescribed the maximum dosage > of zyprexa (10 mgs twice a day) and again had serious side effects. > (Overeating to the point of my stomach really hurting, zombiefied > behavior, severe photosensitivity, loss of fine motor control.)  There > was no abuse this time.

Zyprexa is notorious for causing weight gain and suspected of causing diabetes. > I am currently receiving treatment at a local mental health center. > They have since lowered my dosage to 5 mgs (much less zombifying).

Try to find a better med. > Because of my lack of insurance and financial situation I’m not able > to get much more treatment.  While the center provides medication and > a psychiatrist the meetings with the psychiatrist have turned into > five minute sessions of "How you doing."  "good"  "very good here is > more medication"

Walk into a Social Security Office.  They may be able to help, or connect you to other programs like Medicaid. > I can honestly say I don’t really like the medication at all.  However > until my mind and body quiet down some and life returns to it’s > regular normalicy I realize that the medication is a well needed > thing.

Some can avoid trouble with a very small dose.  You need to weigh the risk of a relapse against the effects of dailey sedation and side effects.  Can you recognize when you are losing it, and medicate yourself when needed? > The loss of my fiance hit me hard, she left me during the ordeal for > someone who I thought was a friend of mine and immediatly got pregnant > by him.

Nice.  [sarcasm] Forget her.

Response:

"Llynix" <lly…@sw.rr.com> wrote in message

news:DeiCb.169076$do1.125673@twister.austin.rr.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Miki Kocic wrote: > > I read every word of your detailed account of that first psychotic > > episode.  It sounds a lot like the things you were supposed to do didn’t > > work, so your mind tried things you’re not supposed to do.  What you > > describe is a strong argument against sz being caused by some nebulous > > "chemical imbalance."  Your problems seem definitely to be caused by > > your experiences, possibly contributed to by the drugs.  The sad thing > > is that i don’t think you would have started taking drugs at all if the > > coping strategies that were supposed to work, had worked. > I very much think my sz is caused more by experiences and triggered by > stress then by a chemical imbalance. > > I’m talking about how a person should look at his own mental states.  I > > look at them that way.  Anything that improves my life is sane, anything > > that doesn’t isn’t. > > Nice talking to you. > > Miki > Hmm..  then the past few months I’ve been mostly sane. > But I do have one contradiction from my life.  For a short while I was > involved with the techno scene and took the illegal drug ecstasy (MDMA). >    I would continue to take it for a short while but then realized I was > quite mentally addicted to it and discontinued.  The drug opened doors > for me and I strongly developed my social skills almost over night. > Shortly I had the balls to walk up to anyone and talk to them with small > talk or whatever else.  This confidence stayed with me even after I > discontinued the drug. > It was empowering.  It certainly improved my life but in many ways it > destroyed it as well.  I found that as a young attractive male I could > easily go to the local bar and pick up a friendly girl.  One night I > took it upon myself to bring a few home. > I was going through friendships left and right and very much > experimenting with people, with communication and with myself. > It took awhile to quiet down my new found social skills to a more > acceptable level. > I often wonder if this is under your definition sane or insane.  Gaining >   social skills that quickly certainly caused huge problems.  Perhaps if > I had never taken it I would have gained the social skills slowly and > matured into them.  Instead of gaining them overnight and childishly > playing with them. > Llynix

It appears your introspection is doing you well.  For an sz-er drugs can be a poison for the mind.  Im glad you recognised mjs potential role in your illness… I wouldnt doubt x contributed… Troop

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -skullcap wrote: >>While I was locked up in jail it was my belief that I was inside the >>matrix.  That the guards outside the cell were constructs and agents. >>However I did not take the stance that these people were evil.  I >>thought of it as a baby matrix still existing within the confines of our >>own world.  Another words this matrix did not have the ability to link >>up with the brain and cause an alternate reality.  The only ability it >>had was to put me in my cell and watch me.  From my actions I would >>"teach" the matrix and from there it would mature into a full fledged >>virtual world.  I ran around my cell and the other cells they put me in >>and read the graffiti on the walls, I touched various objects and yelled >>out their names. > <snip – no disrespect, it’s just long.> > All I can say to the above, is I’m in awe of your imagination. > I never saw the matrix in terms of alternate realities in that way – more > as a metaphor for the way people’s minds get locked down into thinking > there’s only one way to look at things, and that some things are real and > important and other things aren’t, and then if you see things differently, > this can be quite oppressive. At the moment I’m mainly struggling against > this kind of lock-down in my own mind, rather than outside myself.

It gets a little more in depth then all I’ve written.  Didn’t I say it would make for an excellent science fiction novel? My imagination is QUITE strong.  Someone here said they write fiction. If you are ever lacking of ideas I have a LOT of very good ones for short stories and even a few for full blown novels.  I’m not a very good writer and I’m not organized enough in my writing to get it down on paper.  But I would love to see some of my more original and outlandish ideas in print. I can certainly understand the linear / non-linear argument into looking at things.  What out of today do we use for tomorrow, what do we throw away.  My boss had said recently that he didn’t see why people had such a hard time going from point A to point B.  I replied and told him "speaking from someone who just a mental breakdown I can say sometimes point B jumps around a bit on ya." Why does it seem sometimes we throw away the wrong advice and ideas. Which door should we choose, which pill? It occurred to me in the matrix Neo did have another possibility at all points, one that was never addressed. He could have just sat and thought about it.  Why the rush?  That’s my biggest question.  Why not just sit down and tell the architect to fuck off your meditating But then this is a choice as well.  And while we are sitting and waiting doors close and new ones open up.  Time flies by and we are left waiting.  If we reach point B obviously we should strive for point C afterwords yet sometimes there are shortcuts and we can achieve more for less.  And worst of all sometimes these shortcuts are pitfalls that lead us right back to point A. During both of my episodes one phrase ran through my mind after all was said and done.  "I know it’s hard to keep an open heart when even friends seem out to harm you."  From November Rain / Guns and Roses. Who do we as sz’s trust.  Trust your doctors, trust your friends, can’t trust your own mind because you know it’s broke.  Yet it seems to work wonderfully, even better then the rest of the world, some of the time. It’s a curse.  It’s a gift.  The nice double edged sword God has granted us to walk with. > I finally ran out a few weeks ago when I took some just for a few days to > get me through a bad weekend ( sorry, should have said this. ) Now I can’t > get any more until I see the psychiatrist again, which is next week. I’m a > bit nervous about this, because I’ve made maybe too much of a thing about > doing things my own way, and if I’m not sane enough for her, she might try > to force me to go back on when I don’t want to. But I still want to have > some to fall back on if I need them.

I can understand this situation quite well.  I had to stretch my medication until I saw my psych.  I was actually fairly happy with him, as he cut my medication down and seemed to actually listen to me rather then stare at the clock and wait for the appointment to be over. He also had a beautiful hanging vine on the wall behind him, for some reason that comforted me.  Like he actually took the time to groom this plant, maybe he would also take the time to groom me. I can understand about doing things your own way.  Even now I’m cutting my pills in half and experimenting with different ways of controlling my thoughts and emotions.  I may soon take the plunge and go off the medication completely, most likely I will not tell my doctor this and just warehouse my meds.  I do good at counting the pills and making sure the numbers add up.  Guess all those years of math classes paid off in the long run I’ll warehouse my meds because I know that when my grandmother dies I will probably need them. One question.. does anyone else find that when coming off the meds they have pain, or outlandish emotions?  I notice my temper getting shorter if I go without them and I really think this is due to the dopamine receptors kicking back into action after being sedated by the meds. Seems they go into hyper mode and then settle back down.  Normally I don’t have much of a temper although I’ll fly off the handle if you bother me too much.  I like to say I have a very long fuse with a big stick of dynamite at the end. Llynix

Response:

Schizo857 wrote: > Listen, you are on to something with all this. > I know for sure that smoking weed can trigger these things.  I was right where > you were with the matrix illusion. I was sure I was in it and that I was not > really here. It’s a very scary place to be.  There is much more to the onset of > an episode then meets the eye here.

It is nice that I’m not the only one with the matrix delusion.  While I was in the state hospital I found many of the patients there were having episodes triggered by 9/11.  I guess politics doesn’t bother me as much as it bothers them, because the anniversary of it didn’t really effect me much. You can check back to a past post in this thread for a full account of my matrix delusion if your interested. > When your mind reaches the heightened stage of spiritual awareness karmic > forces do start to play a role. At the same time I had my episode many of my > Co-workers were going through a similar thing.  I know this because a few were > scared and wanted to talk to me about it.  Strange coincidental events started > happening. > The phone began to ring and on the other end were life long friends I had that > could sense I was in trouble who I had not heard from in a while.  I truly > believe more people then you think have these experiences but they may  not be > as severe as some of us have them.    My eposide lasted only a few weeks. I > stopped the meds and delt with severe depression for a few more weeks. > Im all better know thanks to my freinds. > This is the key. You need support people in your life. We all have gurdian > angles, and the key is to know who they are. > Go to them. They are here to help you but you must be willing to reach out.

I also had many ghosts from my past return to me.  The group of friends I have now are directly from my episode.  Out of the blue old friends popped out of the woodwork. The druggie friends I used to hang around all split up and went their separate ways.  I only wish my girlfriend had decided to go with me down the path of self healing instead of with them down a path of self destruction. My first episode I had no one but myself to help me through my ordeal. And it was then that I found ways of self reflection, meditation and guidance. This second episode I have found a wonderful group of friends who listen and supports me unconditionally.  During my lonely paranoid sz nights they invited me into their homes to rest among them.  They offer me words of encouragement and kindness. One particular set of friends actually work at the state hospital and know how to deal with sz patients.  My conversations with them have helped me understand more and more about my condition and it has also helped them by hearing the stories from ‘the other side.’ Right in the middle of my episode I had three friends I hadn’t heard from in years come out of the blue and ask me if I was alright.  Very strange. When I quieted down with my delusions I had one left over.  A sort of string/gravity theory that we are all connected in some way.  There were many times when I would be thinking hard about someone and then they would call up immediately afterwords or I’d check my email to see them writing me.  Very very strange. Everything else I’ve just about explained.  The weirdest was the stray dogs.  My girlfriend had left me right after I got out of the hospital (I still wonder why she just didn’t leave while I was in the hospital would have been easier on her and me) and there were all these stray dogs that were coming to me left and right. Turns out that while I was in the hospital she took in several of these dogs and fed them.  Didn’t find this out until weeks later in a conversation.  At the time I explained it off with my string/gravity theory. What gets me the most is that if I’m by myself, and keep my socialization down to a minimum I seem to do much better then if I have close relations to friends.  I often wonder if I might just be better off living as a hermit. Although I really honestly sometimes hate being alone.  The three years I spent by myself being "home schooled" did a lot of mental damage to me. Anyone out there actually have decent relationships despite their sz? Is there hope that I actually might find a decent girl that can put up with my disorder? Llynix

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -skullcap wrote: > On Thu, 11 Dec 2003 16:28:51 -0500, Miki Kocic wrote: >>One perceptive person on this NG said there are three major >>schizophrenic delusions: religious, government conspiracies, and >>extraterrestrials.  At least one of the three afflicts pretty well every >>sz sufferer I’ve ever heard of. > One of the things that people sometimes say is that the three things which > should not be mentioned in polite conversation are sex, religion and > politics. (I guess because they’re the most likely to cause arguments). > These are the three things that have most screwed me up over the last four > years, and I sometimes wonder if these things are connected – like a > cultural taboo on talking about certain things causes these same things to > erupt uncontrollably in the minds of some people. > Your list of 3 is much the same, except for sex and ETs. So is speculation > about extraterrestrials some kind of interplanetary sexuality?? (Not > necessarily physical – we might not have bits that fit).

I don’t see a connection between the two lists, but if you see one, more power to you. > andy.

Miki

Response:

skullcap wrote: > I’ve hardly ever been full blown sz – more some kind of borderline > schizoaffective thing. As in not voices in my head but often thinking that > people were saying things about me when I knew they weren’t (or sometimes > knowing damn well they were, but not being able to talk about it) Or > hearing a tap dripping and then every drip made a word in my head like > ‘. andy . you’re . a . fucking . bastard’. Plus lots of mad thoughts about > religion and politics mainly, somewhat based in reality, but too obsessed > by it all, and frustrated that I could never tell whether I was seeing > something that other people couldn’t or wouldn’t, or if I was just > deluding myself.

This last episode included visual hallucinations some of which were quite strong some of which were more of a whisper.  The strong ones included seeing my personal belongings hanging just outside of the jail cell I spent 3 days in.  The whisper ones included thinking that one of my ex-girlfriends (the one that unfortunately got away) was in the police car with me.  All I could see was the curls of her hair.  I almost wish that one was a little more visual as seeing her face again would bring back fond happy memories. Normally though I don’t hear voices.  Every now and then I think I hear someone call my name or one of my nicknames and turn to see no one there, or a group of people there that I don’t know engaged in a conversation.  But from what I’ve heard other people say and from what I observe of them that happens all the time. I do regularly talk to myself though, both vocally and inside my head. I also engage in complete conversations with other people inside my head.  Also I get a barrage of past memories bad or good that just seem to pop in there. > I’m 35. First went into hospital in feb 2000, then again for a few weeks > in the autumn of 2001. > The matrix had a big impact on me – I still think it was saying something > important, though I’m not so obsessed by it as I was. Seeing them waste > the second two films took the shine off it a bit.

For me it wasn’t so much seeing something important in it.  It was the fact that after the second film came out I saw much more in it then anyone else did.  I had the whole thing figured out. I knew what they were getting at.  How the architect was the one who built a strong structured system, and the oracle was put into place to offer humanity choice.  I understood (possibly from my extensive computer background) that if you continuously offer a choice a program would become a big mess of a "choose your own adventure" novel that never ended.  Any computer has physical limits which you can’t exceed and eventually after offering so many choices you would need to shut off and reboot. I knew that the other guy in the coma, bane, was agent smith who somehow jumped to the real world. I could have easily written the third movie from the clues in the second.  I probably would have done a better job. Right before my episode I had done a computer programming job patching up the old alicebot (an internet chat bot) program that I wrote a few years before that.  I had extensive conversations about the perplexities of AI’s and worked out a way to create a persona bot of myself using old text transcripts from IRC and IM logs.  This worked with some success and a few of my friends still don’t know that for a few weeks they weren’t talking to me online they were talking to a computer program. I suppose with the work on AI’s, coupled with pot smoking, the matrix, and other geek things it isn’t hard to see why at some point I thought I was actually caught in the matrix.  It wasn’t until I was locked up in jail that this psychosis came into play hard core.  Although it was an auditory hallucination of that modem whine that triggered the idea. While I was locked up in jail it was my belief that I was inside the matrix.  That the guards outside the cell were constructs and agents. However I did not take the stance that these people were evil.  I thought of it as a baby matrix still existing within the confines of our own world.  Another words this matrix did not have the ability to link up with the brain and cause an alternate reality.  The only ability it had was to put me in my cell and watch me.  From my actions I would "teach" the matrix and from there it would mature into a full fledged virtual world.  I ran around my cell and the other cells they put me in and read the graffiti on the walls, I touched various objects and yelled out their names. Auditory hallucinations were growing strong at this point.  I thought that the squelch that the radios make was a signal along with keys jangling and doors slamming.  I repeatedly heard that 10/4 that police would use on the radio and I took that to mean yes. Eventually I was moved to a county cell.  There I thought I was part of some government super gene program that made me into superman.  The town had several of us genetically modified children and was told to repeatedly set us behind in screwed up situations to see how we would react.  This had apparently been going on the whole time.  Now the cover was blown in a big expose and we were being locked up in a last ditch effort to cover up the towns mistake.  The town would later offer us housing, decent paying jobs and education galore along with a nice stipend for their crimes. This is where ideas get bouncy.  I was back in the matrix this time realizing that I had been stuck in there for thousands of years.  Me and a friend had created the matrix and he was to be my guide as we mapped out this newly digital world.  However something went terriablly wrong.     In wiring me up to a computer my brain became hyperactive and instead of the computer slowing down to compensate my brain speed up. As a result communication between me and the outside world was non-existent.  They attempted to put other people into the matrix to communicate with me.  But each person who was put in was locked inside their own cell which was a construct of their own mind.  They then made copies of me to put into the cells.  These copies of me were put into alternative matrix’s which had variations on the program.  The information that I had helped them collect was being used for this alternate matrix setup.  My copies were having a much better time, were able to interact with people and eat.  While I was wasting away. Each one of these copies thought they were me, so they did not concern themselves with the people in the other cells.  That is why I never came and rescued myself.  While I the original copy was left in the most restrictive cell.  My friend who had helped me build the matrix was trying to get me out. Obviously I knew I hadn’t actually created this matrix.  But I was under the impression that linking up to the matrix caused short and long term memory loss.  So while I had no idea about all the details of creating this matrix I had a strong feeling that I had created it and just forgotten it.  I had some memories of making it with friends. Somewhere along the line I came to the realization that they never did find a way to get me out of it.  And that I was all alone, strapped to a computer with a nurse to monitor my body signs.  I could faintly hear the life support systems I was hooked up to whizzing away and the cardiac monitor beeping.  I tried to have an out of body experience, I meditated, I thought and calmed myself down. I never did wake up in the hospital.  Instead I was transported by the police to the state hospital.  And I found myself shortly sitting in front of the desk behind the very same psychiatrist that had prescribed me the haldol and royally screwed up my life before. Needless to say I didn’t take that very well.  Went berserk and was taken down and injected.  I would later take pride in the fact that this time it took thirteen of them to take me down.  Six more then when I was previously in the hospital. I knew the game plan from my previous stay.  Appease the staff.  See the doctors.  Tell them you’ll jump through hoops.  Shut your mouth, stay calm. I was out in thirteen days.  It would have been a shorter trip had the head psychiatrist that was assigned to me (I refused treatment from the other) not been on vacation.  I waited patiently six days to see her. I faired pretty well this time.  Again it was no walk in the park.  But there was no physical abuse or sexual abuse.  I was attacked by two patients but quickly put them into submission holds learned from self defense excersises in Tae Kwon Do and patiently awaited for staff to come.  The staff remarked that I controlled the situation quickly and effectivally with out harming the other patients.  I did not strike anyone. When I got out I was on 15 mgs of zyprexia and was a walking zombie.  My girlfriend had escaped to drugs and another boyfriend during the time I was in the hospital.  She would leave me a week later after me getting quite angry at her because of this. It is now several months later.  And much has quieted down.  For the most part I go through the motions of life with no problems.  I have cut myself down to 2.5 mgs of zyprexia hoping that some of my energy would come back.  I think my drain is both due to depression over losing my girlfriend and a few of my friends and the drugs.  I’m kicking out of the depression now.  And I have a new group of friends that have been wonderful.  I am back in Tae Kwon Do and am helping the instructor teach the class.  I have my old tutoring job back and gained a little bit of pride from my extended vacation because the tutoring program fell to complete shit while I was gone.  I feel bad that I was gone for a month, but at the same time good because while I knew that several students would purposefully come to me for tutoring because of my reputation … read more »

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Miki Kocic wrote: > Good job on the detailed, well-written summary of your situation.  My > only general comment is that you seem reluctant to talk about the > content of your sz experiences.  I find that psychiatrists especially, > and normals in general, tend to dismiss that content as not worth > bothering with, but it’s very much alive in a sufferer’s mind and forms > a big part of his experience during an episode.  Although I don’t > recommend getting obsessed with it, this newsgroup is the only place > I’ve found where people actually give a shit about what goes through > someone’s head during an episode, and speaking only for myself, I want > you to feel welcome to explore it here.  One anti-psychiatric authority > even recommends digging into those details to get at the hurt that gave > rise to the psychosis in the first place. > I think my minor symptoms started showing up as early as age 10, and > possibly earlier.  Certainly I was a weird, tormented teenager back in > the early 1980s and nobody had a clue what was going on.  I recall > massive, almost constant anxiety about little things, bizarre thought > processes, and extremely poor socialization.  Does any of that ring a > bell?  You say you’ve had two major episodes, but the only thing that > seems to distinguish them is that you became inconvenient to other > people so they had you hospitalized.  What about while you were growing > up and weren’t inconvenient to anybody but were a weirdo, so people just > ignored you?  Just a potential line of inquiry.

For me it was a little weird.  I initially had problems socializing when I first went into school.  My teachers thought I was ADHD and recommended I be tested.  After a full barrage of tests it was discovered that I was in good health, had a minor speech impediment and an extremely high IQ.  It was recommended by the doctors that I be engaged in intellectually stimulating puzzles and activities.  I changed schools and soon excelled in most every area.  I would become a member of the student council.  I was active in sports and for the most part a very energetic and happy youth.  I had my problems but no more then anyone else. My father had problems with his job and it was decided to move from New York to bible belt Texas.  I was enrolled in a catholic school where I did moderately well, but soon began having problems because of my ‘yankee’ heritage. My parents had problems living with my grandmother at the time and soon we were living on the streets and with various relatives.  I would change schools again. Coming into school mid semester, being a yankee and pissing off the head miss thing at school soon reduced me to the bottom of the bottom. It gets rockier and rockier from there.  I would routinely get beat up by classmates, I found refuge by becoming teachers pet and helping out during lunch periods and after school in order to avoid those situations where you are left alone with your peers for "recreation" which mostly consisted of a game of smear the queer. We would later move again into a trailer house.  And I would be moved yet again to another school.  This time the teachers did not take a liking to me and I was paddled on several occasions. My mother would pull me out of school to "home school" me because of this.  I suppose she was trying her best, but she barely had a high school education and could offer nothing to a student who was reading at 1200 wpm with full retention and starting calculus. I spent most of the next three years on my bicycle searching out every spot in our town and immersing myself in Tae Kwon Do.  This is probably when my sz ideas started to come into play.  I would go into small spots in my town and just sit and daydream.  I would think about running away from home.  I was involved in a group of people who would do pre-civil war re-enactments.  I thought about becoming a mountain man.  I thought about living off the earth and waking up each morning to hunt and survive.  I would ride my bike on the railroad lines and would also ride the trains around town.  I was a bit reckless and have a smattering of scars to prove it.  I read A LOT of sci-fi during this time and would routinely pray for aliens to come abduct me.  Yet at the same time was afraid they would.  These thoughts would continue until I started high school.  There I would meet a friend who looking back I also suspect is sz.  My science fiction ideas he would listen to and we both read a lot of books. My parents were fighting ever since the move to Texas and continued doing so until their divorce.  Relations between me and my parents would degrade and we would move once again.  I would start high school in a very small school which was fairly decent.  I would find myself among the small group of outcasts in the school who were mostly ignored rather then picked on. I didn’t have much a problem with fighting anymore.  I singled out one kid who was picking on me early in school, proceeded to beat the living shit out of him (by this time I was a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and very much in shape from endless amounts of bicycle riding).  The other kids stayed away from me after that. I did moderately well in school.  By this time I was very bored with the slowness of it but I remained active in extra-cirrucular activities.  My parents were clueless about my life at this time and began to become very paranoid that I was out doing drugs and drinking, when in actuality I was spending my nights with a bunch of old people playing chess. We would move again, and I was tossed in another high school.  I decided not to go through the trouble of getting involved with drama, debate, chess and the other clubs I was so involved in at the previous high school mostly because of the complete lack of support from my parents. (who wants to go to debate when it means being grounded for a week because you stayed out till 11 at an event.) This is when I started to get involved with drugs (mostly pot) and while I was on track to graduate a year early I still had tons of free time and mostly just sat around with people and got stoned.  I began to have social problems with this group of friends but then when you are hanging around drug dealers and users there is bound to be drama. This high school was the same school district that I had previously gone to and many of my peers were the very same people that beat me up and chastised me in elementary school.  I was a full fledged introvert rarely speaking to anyone and just wanted to be ignored.  Instead of smoking ciggerettes at the normal spot I found a new spot to smoke. After a few weeks a few of my pot smoking friends found me out and soon I had a little posse of friends who would listen to my stories and my guitar playing. Relations between my parents and me were getting worse and worse.  Me and my mother would get into fights, she would kick me out of the house.   I would go to my friends houses and smoke up or sometimes just crash on their couches.  My parents would then have me arrested for runaway. I would later defeat this by calling the police immediately after being kicked out and going over to "safe" houses where there were no drugs and I could get picked up civilly by the police. I was trying to clean up my life and get away from the drama that follows a druged up lifestyle.  But these changes happen slowly.  I was also pushing for an amancipation from my parents and the tyranny that I lived under. It was then that my parents decided to divorce. Not sleeping is the start of all my episodes.  I was stressed about getting a vehicle, finding a place to live, school, and a million other things. My parents weren’t very receptive at this point.  I guess they had given up with me and decided to let me do my thing. I remember deciding to drop out of school.  I remember going a few days with no sleep. Then I remember surfing the net and one of the webpages not parsing correctly.  I reloaded it only to find it fixed.  This happened several times.  Looking back with a clear head I realize it was probably just a crappy dialup connection and the pages were just loading with errors. But at the time I was convinced that the CIA was filtering my web connection.  That a friend of mine was really a government hacker who was testing me to see if I fit the bill of becoming a super spy.  This was the same friend I was slanted to move in with.  I tore apart the computer to find it "bugged" and ripped off the bugs.  I then took my computer, stuffed it into a plastic sack and hid it in the neighbors doghouse.  I returned home and sat in a sort of sz seizure wondering what to do next.  I then heard the smoke detector go off (an auditory hallucination) and started screaming fire fire to my parents and sister.   My sister told me to bug off and go to bed.  My father ran after me and tried to hold me down.  I kicked him away and took off into the night.  I thought my clothes were bugged and stripped down to my jeans.   I ran through the fields and tore up my feet.  I started walking through the town. As I walked motion lights would come on and I would sometimes see neighbors peek their heads out windows.  I was convinced that the whole town was a CIA experiment and that I was being electronically followed.   I proceeded to yank cable and telephone lines out of peoples houses. I even pulled a 220 line out of someones house which left my hand a bloody mess.  At this point I was wearing just jeans and my hands and feet were bloody.  I got into a fight with an old man who was trying to protect his home. I broke into an abandoned house and hid there for awhile.  Then removed the wooden stick from a toilet plunger and decided I was going to take on whatever government agency that was out to get me head on. Some kids that knew me from school gave me a … read more »

Response:

You might want to read the thread entitled ‘New thoughts’. Troop "Llynix" <lly…@sw.rr.com> wrote in message

news:845622e1.0312102302.45e3e7a1@posting.google.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Let me introduce myself first as this is my first in depth post on > this newsgroup and the first time I really gotten the opportunity to > talk candidly about my illness. > I’m 23 years old and I’ve had 2 major schizophrenic episodes during my > life in which the end result was a trip to the state hospitol. > I’m sure I don’t need to go into my state of mind at the time during > these episodes but in summary the first time I was sure the CIA wanted > dead because I wouldn’t become one of their expert hackers.  The > second time was a smattering of twenty or so odd delusions and > hallucinations that included me being trapped in the matrix, being > responsible for the NYC blackout, being among the many Gods, and being > the new messiah. > Both would make for some excellent sci-fi novels. > The first episode I was very self destructive and destructive to > property and people around me. > This past episode I was a little better, and didn’t cause as much > damage but I did damage several relationships and lost a few friends > and a fiance because of it. > The first time I was at the state hospitol I was 17 and was prescribed > a very heavy dosage of haldol (if I remember 35mgs) which I had > serious side effects to.  (EPS and a totally zombified behavior)  It > was not a pleasant trip at all as I was abused sexually and physically > during much of the stay. > This last time was much better.  I was prescribed the maximum dosage > of zyprexa (10 mgs twice a day) and again had serious side effects. > (Overeating to the point of my stomach really hurting, zombiefied > behavior, severe photosensitivity, loss of fine motor control.)  There > was no abuse this time. > I am currently receiving treatment at a local mental health center. > They have since lowered my dosage to 5 mgs (much less zombifying). > Because of my lack of insurance and financial situation I’m not able > to get much more treatment.  While the center provides medication and > a psychiatrist the meetings with the psychiatrist have turned into > five minute sessions of "How you doing."  "good"  "very good here is > more medication" > I can honestly say I don’t really like the medication at all.  However > until my mind and body quiet down some and life returns to it’s > regular normalicy I realize that the medication is a well needed > thing. > The loss of my fiance hit me hard, she left me during the ordeal for > someone who I thought was a friend of mine and immediatly got pregnant > by him.  We were trying for a child.  Also my grandmother whom I’m > very close to is dying of cancer. > My first episode was triggered by my parents divorcing.  They divorced > rather quickly and split up leaving behind broken pieces of a family. > My father and sister were going to move to another state.  My mother > was in a very depressive state (she was for 9 years) and it was not > really decided what she was doing.  I was going to stay with friends > and finish up school.  I was struggling to get a vehicle, finish up > drivers education, pack up my belongings, and I had a full load at > high school with extra classes to graduate a year early. > My friends were trying to help in their own ways.  I had become very > restless.  The offered me parties as a way to relax.  Drugs, drinks > and food.  I started to become very paraniod of their intentions as it > seemed to me that what I really needed was a leg up for my future. > This second episode was triggered by me losing my job, although I > think my stressed relationship, the NYC blackout and other a few other > major events added to it.  I lost sight of school and tried to open my > own buisness (no idea where that thought came from, but I have a tax > permit now  I worked this buisness for 4-5 days straight with no > sleep ended up dumping the fiance, running over to another female > friends house and staying there for a couple days until she called the > cops on me.  I spent the next three days awake in solitary confinement > (this is where most of the delusions come from but the first threads > of them started much earlier) and then the next 13 days in the state > hospitol. > Both times because of being so heavily medicated I came off the > medication almost immediatly after being ‘free’.  The first time I was > successful in controlling my psychosis and meditating through my > insane thoughts.  It wasn’t very easy but somehow I made it through > just fine without any further reprecussions. > Eventually the insane thoughts would quiet down to normal (I imagine > everyone gets insane thoughts from time to time.  I can handle a few a > week with no problems > This past time coming off the medication was MUCH more difficult.  My > body went into a few day period of intense pain.  The delusional > thoughts seemed to rush in and meditating had no effect.  My fiance > wasn’t helping matters much by running away from the situation and > escaping into the arms of drugs and the friend that she would shortly > leave me for. > I had a mini-episode.  But by this time family knew the situation > quite well.  Under their advice I started my medication back up only > halving the zyprexa from 15 mgs to 7.5 (or as close as you can get > cutting an unscored tablet in half) which helped the zombification (I > was a walking vegetable at 15 mgs) greatly. > A side note.  During the first experience I was a recreational pot > smoker.  During this last episode I had grown into a full grown pot > head. > I had one mini-episode in between these two due to finding out I’m a > niave retard when it comes to relationships and getting my face broken > in two because of a Tae Kwon Do sparring match, however I was clean > and sober and of good physical health.  With a little consuling and > help from friends and family I was back on my feet.  (although I did > lose a semester of college)  This episode had no serious side effects > and I didn’t do anything damaging to myself or others except for > getting very angry at an ex-girlfriend, but she was cheating on me > during the last three months of our relationship so I figure I’m > allowed. > I have a sneaking strong suspicion that the pot smoking did not at all > help my condition and that maybe I could have avoided both instances > if I had a more drug free approach.  I have since been clean and sober > for 4 months with only occasional recreational drinking.  I have also > been getting back in shape.  I would like to hear other peoples > experiences with this. > Between these episodes and when all is "normal" I get irrational > thoughts.  I get slight auditory hallucinations however other then the > first couple of days of this last episode I have not had any visual > halluciantions.  For the most part though, I get a smattering > collection of ideas, recollections, memories, conversations and misc > thoughts ram rodding though my mind.  From time to time I physically > jerk at the robustness of these memories. > On the medication I get barely any of this.  My brain seems to go in > spurts like a car running out of gas.  It used to be an information > superhighway of concious and subconcious thought. > I am also much less active.  I have been gaining a little weight (a > good thing I’m slightly underweight) however I used to have an endless > abundance of energy and now I have to work to get excited. > I can say quite deffiantly that I miss the stream of ideas and > thoughts.  I used to be very active and the life of any situation.  I > would engage in interesting and stimulating conversation.  I can still > function normally, but it takes work.  All the knowledge, thoughts, > ideas and memories are up there, but I have to actually access them > and think about it. > One could say my subconcious used to run wild while I conciously sat > back and smiled and laughed at the thrill of the ride. > Now that subconcious beast is gone > My main reason for this post is to ask this.  Are there any > schizophrenics that control their condition without medication?  Can > anyone confirm a healthier, drug free lifestyle leading to an episode > free life?  Anyone else have similar experiences with medication > giving a weak and foggy state? > I welcome any ideas, thoughts and suggesstions.  Also feel free to > email me. > Thank you for listening to my very long ramble. > Llynix

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Let me introduce myself first as this is my first in depth post on >this newsgroup and the first time I really gotten the opportunity to >talk candidly about my illness. >I’m 23 years old and I’ve had 2 major schizophrenic episodes during my >life in which the end result was a trip to the state hospitol. >I’m sure I don’t need to go into my state of mind at the time during >these episodes but in summary the first time I was sure the CIA wanted >dead because I wouldn’t become one of their expert hackers.  The >second time was a smattering of twenty or so odd delusions and >hallucinations that included me being trapped in the matrix, being >responsible for the NYC blackout, being among the many Gods, and being >the new messiah. >Both would make for some excellent sci-fi novels. >The first episode I was very self destructive and destructive to >property and people around me. >This past episode I was a little better, and didn’t cause as much >damage but I did damage several relationships and lost a few friends >and a fiance because of it. >The first time I was at the state hospitol I was 17 and was prescribed >a very heavy dosage of haldol (if I remember 35mgs) which I had >serious side effects to.  (EPS and a totally zombified behavior)  It >was not a pleasant trip at all as I was abused sexually and physically >during much of the stay. >This last time was much better.  I was prescribed the maximum dosage >of zyprexa (10 mgs twice a day) and again had serious side effects. >(Overeating to the point of my stomach really hurting, zombiefied >behavior, severe photosensitivity, loss of fine motor control.)  There >was no abuse this time. >I am currently receiving treatment at a local mental health center. >They have since lowered my dosage to 5 mgs (much less zombifying). >Because of my lack of insurance and financial situation I’m not able >to get much more treatment.  While the center provides medication and >a psychiatrist the meetings with the psychiatrist have turned into >five minute sessions of "How you doing."  "good"  "very good here is >more medication" >I can honestly say I don’t really like the medication at all.  However >until my mind and body quiet down some and life returns to it’s >regular normalicy I realize that the medication is a well needed >thing. >The loss of my fiance hit me hard, she left me during the ordeal for >someone who I thought was a friend of mine and immediatly got pregnant >by him.  We were trying for a child.  Also my grandmother whom I’m >very close to is dying of cancer. >My first episode was triggered by my parents divorcing.  They divorced >rather quickly and split up leaving behind broken pieces of a family. >My father and sister were going to move to another state.  My mother >was in a very depressive state (she was for 9 years) and it was not >really decided what she was doing.  I was going to stay with friends >and finish up school.  I was struggling to get a vehicle, finish up >drivers education, pack up my belongings, and I had a full load at >high school with extra classes to graduate a year early. >My friends were trying to help in their own ways.  I had become very >restless.  The offered me parties as a way to relax.  Drugs, drinks >and food.  I started to become very paraniod of their intentions as it >seemed to me that what I really needed was a leg up for my future. >This second episode was triggered by me losing my job, although I >think my stressed relationship, the NYC blackout and other a few other >major events added to it.  I lost sight of school and tried to open my >own buisness (no idea where that thought came from, but I have a tax >permit now  I worked this buisness for 4-5 days straight with no >sleep ended up dumping the fiance, running over to another female >friends house and staying there for a couple days until she called the >cops on me.  I spent the next three days awake in solitary confinement >(this is where most of the delusions come from but the first threads >of them started much earlier) and then the next 13 days in the state >hospitol. >Both times because of being so heavily medicated I came off the >medication almost immediatly after being ‘free’.  The first time I was >successful in controlling my psychosis and meditating through my >insane thoughts.  It wasn’t very easy but somehow I made it through >just fine without any further reprecussions. >Eventually the insane thoughts would quiet down to normal (I imagine >everyone gets insane thoughts from time to time.  I can handle a few a >week with no problems >This past time coming off the medication was MUCH more difficult.  My >body went into a few day period of intense pain.  The delusional >thoughts seemed to rush in and meditating had no effect.  My fiance >wasn’t helping matters much by running away from the situation and >escaping into the arms of drugs and the friend that she would shortly >leave me for. >I had a mini-episode.  But by this time family knew the situation >quite well.  Under their advice I started my medication back up only >halving the zyprexa from 15 mgs to 7.5 (or as close as you can get >cutting an unscored tablet in half) which helped the zombification (I >was a walking vegetable at 15 mgs) greatly. >A side note.  During the first experience I was a recreational pot >smoker.  During this last episode I had grown into a full grown pot >head. >I had one mini-episode in between these two due to finding out I’m a >niave retard when it comes to relationships and getting my face broken >in two because of a Tae Kwon Do sparring match, however I was clean >and sober and of good physical health.  With a little consuling and >help from friends and family I was back on my feet.  (although I did >lose a semester of college)  This episode had no serious side effects >and I didn’t do anything damaging to myself or others except for >getting very angry at an ex-girlfriend, but she was cheating on me >during the last three months of our relationship so I figure I’m >allowed. >I have a sneaking strong suspicion that the pot smoking did not at all >help my condition and that maybe I could have avoided both instances >if I had a more drug free approach.  I have since been clean and sober >for 4 months with only occasional recreational drinking.  I have also >been getting back in shape.  I would like to hear other peoples >experiences with this. >Between these episodes and when all is "normal" I get irrational >thoughts.  I get slight auditory hallucinations however other then the >first couple of days of this last episode I have not had any visual >halluciantions.  For the most part though, I get a smattering >collection of ideas, recollections, memories, conversations and misc >thoughts ram rodding though my mind.  From time to time I physically >jerk at the robustness of these memories. >On the medication I get barely any of this.  My brain seems to go in >spurts like a car running out of gas.  It used to be an information >superhighway of concious and subconcious thought. >I am also much less active.  I have been gaining a little weight (a >good thing I’m slightly underweight) however I used to have an endless >abundance of energy and now I have to work to get excited. >I can say quite deffiantly that I miss the stream of ideas and >thoughts.  I used to be very active and the life of any situation.  I >would engage in interesting and stimulating conversation.  I can still >function normally, but it takes work.  All the knowledge, thoughts, >ideas and memories are up there, but I have to actually access them >and think about it. >One could say my subconcious used to run wild while I conciously sat >back and smiled and laughed at the thrill of the ride. >Now that subconcious beast is gone >My main reason for this post is to ask this.  Are there any >schizophrenics that control their condition without medication?  Can >anyone confirm a healthier, drug free lifestyle leading to an episode >free life?  Anyone else have similar experiences with medication >giving a weak and foggy state? >I welcome any ideas, thoughts and suggesstions.  Also feel free to >email me. >Thank you for listening to my very long ramble. >Llynix

Listen, you are on to something with all this. I know for sure that smoking weed can trigger these things.  I was right where you were with the matrix illusion. I was sure I was in it and that I was not really here. It’s a very scary place to be.  There is much more to the onset of an episode then meets the eye here. When your mind reaches the heightened stage of spiritual awareness karmic forces do start to play a role. At the same time I had my episode many of my Co-workers were going through a similar thing.  I know this because a few were scared and wanted to talk to me about it.  Strange coincidental events started happening. The phone began to ring and on the other end were life long friends I had that could sense I was in trouble who I had not heard from in a while.  I truly believe more people then you think have these experiences but they may  not be as severe as some of us have them.    My eposide lasted only a few weeks. I stopped the meds and delt with severe depression for a few more weeks. Im all better know thanks to my freinds. This is the key. You need support people in your life. We all have gurdian angles, and the key is to know who they are. Go to them. They are here to help you but you must be willing to reach out.

Response:

Good job on the detailed, well-written summary of your situation.  My only general comment is that you seem reluctant to talk about the content of your sz experiences.  I find that psychiatrists especially, and normals in general, tend to dismiss that content as not worth bothering with, but it’s very much alive in a sufferer’s mind and forms a big part of his experience during an episode.  Although I don’t recommend getting obsessed with it, this newsgroup is the only place I’ve found where people actually give a shit about what goes through someone’s head during an episode, and speaking only for myself, I want you to feel welcome to explore it here.  One anti-psychiatric authority even recommends digging into those details to get at the hurt that gave rise to the psychosis in the first place. Detailed embedded comments below. Llynix wrote: > Let me introduce myself first as this is my first in depth post on > this newsgroup and the first time I really gotten the opportunity to > talk candidly about my illness. > I’m 23 years old and I’ve had 2 major schizophrenic episodes during my > life in which the end result was a trip to the state hospitol.

I think my minor symptoms started showing up as early as age 10, and possibly earlier.  Certainly I was a weird, tormented teenager back in the early 1980s and nobody had a clue what was going on.  I recall massive, almost constant anxiety about little things, bizarre thought processes, and extremely poor socialization.  Does any of that ring a bell?  You say you’ve had two major episodes, but the only thing that seems to distinguish them is that you became inconvenient to other people so they had you hospitalized.  What about while you were growing up and weren’t inconvenient to anybody but were a weirdo, so people just ignored you?  Just a potential line of inquiry. > I’m sure I don’t need to go into my state of mind at the time during > these episodes but in summary the first time I was sure the CIA wanted > dead because I wouldn’t become one of their expert hackers.  The > second time was a smattering of twenty or so odd delusions and > hallucinations that included me being trapped in the matrix, being > responsible for the NYC blackout, being among the many Gods, and being > the new messiah.

One perceptive person on this NG said there are three major schizophrenic delusions: religious, government conspiracies, and extraterrestrials.  At least one of the three afflicts pretty well every sz sufferer I’ve ever heard of.  Delusions of being the Second Coming are common, as are paranoias about the CIA.  You’re not alone.  Now, whether there is any truth to anything that went through your head while you were in the throes of your episodes, nobody can really say.  I amassed a lot of secret knowledge during my episodes, but found it completely useless, and even found it to interfere with my daily functioning.  So eventually I decided to put it out of my mind and try to live a normal life.  The same should be true for anyone who isn’t cut out to be a hero. > The first time I was at the state hospitol I was 17 and was prescribed > a very heavy dosage of haldol (if I remember 35mgs) which I had > serious side effects to.  (EPS and a totally zombified behavior)  It > was not a pleasant trip at all as I was abused sexually and physically > during much of the stay.

Haldol is more evil and poisonous than DDT and PCBs combined.  I took it for a few days in a very low dose and almost died.  The purpose of Haldol is to make a patient docile and untroublesome to hospital staff, not to help him with his symptoms. Whom were you abused by?  Whoever it was, if it happened in a government or private institution, you may want to consider a lawsuit.  In the United States there are many first-rate lawyers who will happily take on a poor person’s case on a contingency agreement (which means they get 30 percent of any proceeds and nothing if you lose the case). > Because of my lack of insurance and financial situation I’m not able > to get much more treatment.  While the center provides medication and > a psychiatrist the meetings with the psychiatrist have turned into > five minute sessions of "How you doing."  "good"  "very good here is > more medication"

I’ve had seven psychiatrists, and all of them have had less people skills than the average seven-year-old child.  Their only talent and skill is at prescribing medication.  The best situation, if you want to rely on the establishment, is to find a doctor who is also a trained psychotherapist, so he can prescribe you medication and also give you some counselling. > This second episode was triggered by me losing my job, although I > think my stressed relationship, the NYC blackout and other a few other > major events added to it.  I lost sight of school and tried to open my > own buisness (no idea where that thought came from, but I have a tax > permit now  I worked this buisness for 4-5 days straight with no > sleep ended up dumping the fiance, running over to another female > friends house and staying there for a couple days until she called the > cops on me.  I spent the next three days awake in solitary confinement > (this is where most of the delusions come from but the first threads > of them started much earlier) and then the next 13 days in the state > hospitol.

You keep talking about the NYC blackout.  Are you referring to the blackout that affected NYC, Boston, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, about 2,000 other communities in the United States and Canada, this past summer?  If you are, then your use of the term "NYC blackout" is typical egocentricity by a self-centred American.  Sorry if that offends you, but I find many Americans, especially New Yorkers, are like five-year-old children when it comes to knowledge of the wider world outside the United States. > Eventually the insane thoughts would quiet down to normal (I imagine > everyone gets insane thoughts from time to time.  I can handle a few a > week with no problems

The test of whether they are insane is whether they help you live your life better or make life more difficult and worse.  Everyone has insane thoughts from time to time. > I have a sneaking strong suspicion that the pot smoking did not at all > help my condition and that maybe I could have avoided both instances > if I had a more drug free approach.  I have since been clean and sober > for 4 months with only occasional recreational drinking.  I have also > been getting back in shape.  I would like to hear other peoples > experiences with this.

I’ve never done drugs to any significant extent.  I think I was stoned twice in my life.  Both times I had thoughts I couldn’t express.  Since I’m a writer, that bothered the heck out of me, and I decided to stay away from pot. > Now that subconcious beast is gone

There is a price to everything.  Only you can decide whether you value that beast enough to put up with all the other shit.  In my case, I was able to write good fiction when off my meds but not on them.  I decided that holding down a job and having a social life was more important to me than the fiction.  This past July, the ability to write fiction returned in a weakened form. > My main reason for this post is to ask this.  Are there any > schizophrenics that control their condition without medication?  Can > anyone confirm a healthier, drug free lifestyle leading to an episode > free life?  Anyone else have similar experiences with medication > giving a weak and foggy state?

I use meds, so I can’t really advise you on alternative coping methods.   It’s important to have a support system among family and friends and trust them when they tell you you’re acting weird.  That’s one of the most difficult things for any person to do, is to learn not to always trust his own mind.  It’s a very tricky balancing act, because you have to establish relationships with other people in which you’re sure they have your best interests at heart. Miki

Response:

Let me introduce myself first as this is my first in depth post on this newsgroup and the first time I really gotten the opportunity to talk candidly about my illness. I’m 23 years old and I’ve had 2 major schizophrenic episodes during my life in which the end result was a trip to the state hospitol. I’m sure I don’t need to go into my state of mind at the time during these episodes but in summary the first time I was sure the CIA wanted dead because I wouldn’t become one of their expert hackers.  The second time was a smattering of twenty or so odd delusions and hallucinations that included me being trapped in the matrix, being responsible for the NYC blackout, being among the many Gods, and being the new messiah. Both would make for some excellent sci-fi novels. The first episode I was very self destructive and destructive to property and people around me. This past episode I was a little better, and didn’t cause as much damage but I did damage several relationships and lost a few friends and a fiance because of it. The first time I was at the state hospitol I was 17 and was prescribed a very heavy dosage of haldol (if I remember 35mgs) which I had serious side effects to.  (EPS and a totally zombified behavior)  It was not a pleasant trip at all as I was abused sexually and physically during much of the stay. This last time was much better.  I was prescribed the maximum dosage of zyprexa (10 mgs twice a day) and again had serious side effects. (Overeating to the point of my stomach really hurting, zombiefied behavior, severe photosensitivity, loss of fine motor control.)  There was no abuse this time. I am currently receiving treatment at a local mental health center. They have since lowered my dosage to 5 mgs (much less zombifying). Because of my lack of insurance and financial situation I’m not able to get much more treatment.  While the center provides medication and a psychiatrist the meetings with the psychiatrist have turned into five minute sessions of "How you doing."  "good"  "very good here is more medication" I can honestly say I don’t really like the medication at all.  However until my mind and body quiet down some and life returns to it’s regular normalicy I realize that the medication is a well needed thing. The loss of my fiance hit me hard, she left me during the ordeal for someone who I thought was a friend of mine and immediatly got pregnant by him.  We were trying for a child.  Also my grandmother whom I’m very close to is dying of cancer. My first episode was triggered by my parents divorcing.  They divorced rather quickly and split up leaving behind broken pieces of a family. My father and sister were going to move to another state.  My mother was in a very depressive state (she was for 9 years) and it was not really decided what she was doing.  I was going to stay with friends and finish up school.  I was struggling to get a vehicle, finish up drivers education, pack up my belongings, and I had a full load at high school with extra classes to graduate a year early. My friends were trying to help in their own ways.  I had become very restless.  The offered me parties as a way to relax.  Drugs, drinks and food.  I started to become very paraniod of their intentions as it seemed to me that what I really needed was a leg up for my future. This second episode was triggered by me losing my job, although I think my stressed relationship, the NYC blackout and other a few other major events added to it.  I lost sight of school and tried to open my own buisness (no idea where that thought came from, but I have a tax permit now  I worked this buisness for 4-5 days straight with no sleep ended up dumping the fiance, running over to another female friends house and staying there for a couple days until she called the cops on me.  I spent the next three days awake in solitary confinement (this is where most of the delusions come from but the first threads of them started much earlier) and then the next 13 days in the state hospitol. Both times because of being so heavily medicated I came off the medication almost immediatly after being ‘free’.  The first time I was successful in controlling my psychosis and meditating through my insane thoughts.  It wasn’t very easy but somehow I made it through just fine without any further reprecussions. Eventually the insane thoughts would quiet down to normal (I imagine everyone gets insane thoughts from time to time.  I can handle a few a week with no problems This past time coming off the medication was MUCH more difficult.  My body went into a few day period of intense pain.  The delusional thoughts seemed to rush in and meditating had no effect.  My fiance wasn’t helping matters much by running away from the situation and escaping into the arms of drugs and the friend that she would shortly leave me for. I had a mini-episode.  But by this time family knew the situation quite well.  Under their advice I started my medication back up only halving the zyprexa from 15 mgs to 7.5 (or as close as you can get cutting an unscored tablet in half) which helped the zombification (I was a walking vegetable at 15 mgs) greatly. A side note.  During the first experience I was a recreational pot smoker.  During this last episode I had grown into a full grown pot head. I had one mini-episode in between these two due to finding out I’m a niave retard when it comes to relationships and getting my face broken in two because of a Tae Kwon Do sparring match, however I was clean and sober and of good physical health.  With a little consuling and help from friends and family I was back on my feet.  (although I did lose a semester of college)  This episode had no serious side effects and I didn’t do anything damaging to myself or others except for getting very angry at an ex-girlfriend, but she was cheating on me during the last three months of our relationship so I figure I’m allowed. I have a sneaking strong suspicion that the pot smoking did not at all help my condition and that maybe I could have avoided both instances if I had a more drug free approach.  I have since been clean and sober for 4 months with only occasional recreational drinking.  I have also been getting back in shape.  I would like to hear other peoples experiences with this. Between these episodes and when all is "normal" I get irrational thoughts.  I get slight auditory hallucinations however other then the first couple of days of this last episode I have not had any visual halluciantions.  For the most part though, I get a smattering collection of ideas, recollections, memories, conversations and misc thoughts ram rodding though my mind.  From time to time I physically jerk at the robustness of these memories. On the medication I get barely any of this.  My brain seems to go in spurts like a car running out of gas.  It used to be an information superhighway of concious and subconcious thought. I am also much less active.  I have been gaining a little weight (a good thing I’m slightly underweight) however I used to have an endless abundance of energy and now I have to work to get excited. I can say quite deffiantly that I miss the stream of ideas and thoughts.  I used to be very active and the life of any situation.  I would engage in interesting and stimulating conversation.  I can still function normally, but it takes work.  All the knowledge, thoughts, ideas and memories are up there, but I have to actually access them and think about it. One could say my subconcious used to run wild while I conciously sat back and smiled and laughed at the thrill of the ride. Now that subconcious beast is gone My main reason for this post is to ask this.  Are there any schizophrenics that control their condition without medication?  Can anyone confirm a healthier, drug free lifestyle leading to an episode free life?  Anyone else have similar experiences with medication giving a weak and foggy state? I welcome any ideas, thoughts and suggesstions.  Also feel free to email me. Thank you for listening to my very long ramble. Llynix

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