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Seven year itch?

Question:

Yeah brother I believe in the 7 year itch.  My ‘x’ told me she was leaving me for another man on October 9, 1995. Seven years and one day after our wedding day (October 8,1988) We live in a remote control society.  If you’re watching the TV and are bored with what you are watching ‘click’ off to another show.  If we are bored with our life ‘click’ off to another relationship. I guess the best part is I got an anniversery card on my 7th. Inside the card was written "To my lovi……"  When I asked what "To my lovi" meant, she said "oh never mind, where is the remote anyway".

Response:

Speaking from very little experience …. It depends. The question was … does anyone have an opinion about the possibilites or advisability of pursuing a `new’ relationship with an ex-spouse?

It seems to me that it depends very much on why the divorce occurred, how long ago, how each of you have grown or changed in that time. If the problems that led to the breakup are all still there, and if a real effort was made to solve them the first time around, there’s no real reason to think it will be any better a second time. In addition, hurts may have grown into bitterness and anger in that time so it might be even worse. If that’s the case, I would say your interest is probably more lonliness and the nostalgia filter (minimizing the bad times) than it is true love or attraction. (Although it is possible that maybe the spouse who felt more put-upon or hurt has decided he/she can tolerate more now, I would be very leery of that kind of thinking.) On the other hand, if one or the other of you had some issue that drove you apart, and that issue has now been resolved — totally hypothetical examples could include you got a new job so you don’t have to work such long hours away from home, or she got into AA and has been sober for five years and is doing well with it — then maybe there is a chance. Maybe the problem that wasn’t solved before has been or can be solved now. In short, I think it’s possible and maybe even good, if whatever caused the split has been or can be solved now, but it’s a bad idea if nothing has changed. — Michael Hardy How can anybody be enlightened? Truth is after all so poorly lit. –Rush http://www.dibbs.net/~mhardy

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does anyone have an opinion about the possibilites or advisability of pursuing a `new’ relationship with an ex-spouse?

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Very interested in the topic, but those best able to write may not be still reading this group! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – does anyone have an opinion about the possibilites or advisability of pursuing a `new’ relationship with an ex-spouse?

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does anyone have an opinion about the possibilites or advisability of pursuing a `new’ relationship with an ex-spouse?

send me any reply You may get cause I am contemplating leaving my current wife to pursue a relationship even if distant with my first wife.

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Amy, These are  times that test your vows and determination to stay together or just say quits.  I have been married almost 12 years and together for 14 years.  There are times I would love to get up and get out!  You have to think about the positive and all the accomplishments the two of you have made.  Do you really want to give all that up?   It is a question the two of you have to honestly answer. Communication is the key!  My wife always clams up and I find it frustrating, but I somehow manage to get a response.  Just be open and honest to yourself.  Personally, I would probably leave my wife, but MY SON DESERVES BOTH PARENTS!  I don’t know if this helps you any, but I hope it gives you some insite.  Good luck! Randy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’ve posted this to two groups that are the opposite sides of the coin in many cases to garner more responses. What do you think of the mythical seven year itch? Basically the idea that after seven years, things become tedious and for many break apart at the seams. Do you think such a thing, regardless of the time frame, exists? If so, how can one avoid/ease/live through it? My husband and I have been married for five years, but together seriously for eight. We are only 25 and 26. Things have been… stupid… lately. Lots of stupid fighting, bickering, and it just seems like a downward spiral. We’ve made some of the best decisions and moves in our lives ever in relation to jobs and money, so that ISN’T the problem. amy — amy young-leith                            http://php.indiana.edu/~alyoung

Response:

I was just reading an anthropological survey–darn if I can remember the author now–that showed the seven year itch is a myth, not just here in the US but worldwide. There are numerous breakups at four years however. You can’t avoid it imho. You can only live through it.

Probably the seven year nomiker came from those at 4 years who were in a realationship that felt like seven!!!

Response:

Here’s an update. I received many good emails, some with good advice and some… well… =-)  After reading a few web sites, flipping through some books and taking some of that advice to heart I had an idea.

….<snipped for brevity I was following a method of change that didn’t work… so instead of changing my method I just poured it on, which only made things worse. amy — amy young-leith                            http://php.indiana.edu/~alyoung

You are an honorable woman and deserve the best.  Not many people would make and implement a change in behavior that quickly, much less own up to the need for it.  I wish you well… Bobby Holland

Response:

Here’s an update. I received many good emails, some with good advice and some… well… =-)  After reading a few web sites, flipping through some books and taking some of that advice to heart I had an idea. amy young-leith                            http://php.indiana.edu/~alyoung

Amy..after reading your post I had to write to you..I posted on this site a few weeks ago *This pain is so horrible* I’m going thru something like you are…I’m doing the same thing you are..changing the way I talk to him..the way I handle situations, I also realize I was causing a lot of my own problems with him. He’s given me a date that he MIGHT leave..it’s the first week of September. So far things have been going just great with the new *ME* he hasn’t commented yet on my changes, maybe he’s waiting to see if the changes will stay <and they will maybe he’s going to walk out that door in September. Theres not much more I can do except keep doing the loving things I’m doing, I can’t physically hold him here if he wants to go..I made these changes for MYSELF as well as for him, it he stays, well good, our marriage will be better and stronger than ever, and this is not a new marriage, we’ve been married 29 years this August 11th, or if he goes, these changes I’ve made will still be very good for me. I just hope I can get thru all this if he decides to leave.   Your letter touched me, I had to tell you that I’m doing just what you are. I recieved so many wonderful letters after posting mine, letters of support and love from so many nice people who are going thru the pain and agony I am. I hope in September I can write an UPdate post saying he’s not leaving and our marriage is getting stronger and better every day. Please me posted on whats happening with you Amy, I’m so interested to hear how things are going.   Thank you :)      Christina

Response:

Sherman N. Miller Delaware – Technical & Community College writes: I’ll stop here.

Please don’t!!!! Or, do we need to buy your book?? ;-) Lotsa good advice… Most of which is common sense…. Unfortunately, common sense is the first thing lost when emotions get in the way!!!!!!

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: [...] : Some of it is me and the things I want for him and us… but what he says : he values and wants isn’t what he’s going for… so he complains about : being unhappy, but then doesn’t do anything about it. ??? Last year my SO and I went through a very similar pattern, only _I_ was the distant one.  Let me tell you what I would think and feel at each of these points, and perhaps that may help you figure out your husband, since obviously he isn’t telling you everything.  (BTW–What helped me then was a book about "Passive Agressive" males, which described me too well. After reading it, I made a conscious effort to open myself up more, and it worked wonders for us.) Anyway, our background at that point:  I had just transferred from a distant campus, all my friends were away, I had just taken a full-time job (forced to do so by finances), and was in short at the bottom of my life. She was halfway through school, had friends galore (including a few ex-BFs lying around) and lots of free time to enjoy herself.  So, I slid, very slowly, into a depression. I got angry that her life was so good while mine was on hold, that she could always just call a friend and get any kind of companionship she needed while the only person I could talk to was her (it’s really depressing when the greatest thing just happened and your SO is the ONLY one you can tell).  I began to let her do all the planning, let her do all the emotional work, etc.  Then, when things really went bad and she started talking to others, suddenly I would do a turnaround and things would be great, until the sleep-work-her-sleep-work-her-etc. rut would happen again.  Anyway, to get to the end:  I decided eventually that _I_ would decide who I wanted to be, and who cares if it takes a while to get there?  Since then I’ve always been able to take time out to tell her how much she means to me, give her backrubs at critical times, etc. : We talk a lot but as of late I’ve been stonewalled which really worries : me.  We talked about at length and agreed to the fact that since we are so : different, sometimes we don’t "know" what the other person means or wants. Forgive me, but what do you mean by "stonewalled"?  You don’t know what to say or think, or everything you do say goes wrong…?  For us, keeping our communication simple was a bad sign — it meant we really were losing touch with our body language and moods.  However, when I was feeling down, sometimes I’d do the "you don’t understand where I’m coming from" just so I didn’t have to communicate.  Better to let her see a blank wall or a smoke cloud than see that deep down I was miserable. : Now my response to this if he had asked me would have been to say, "Oh : honey, I’m sorry" and walk over to him, hold his arm and cuddle him.  His : response? : "Ok, yeah, whatever" as he walks off, acting as if I’ve just asked him to : move the Statue of Liberty with his pinky.  This hurts ten times more than Do you mean this sarcastically…?  When my SO asked me to do something romantic, my thoughts would be, "Gee, I haven’t been romantic enough for her, but I really feel like I have been, and if I haven’t then I guess I can’t do what she wants and so…"  Instant downward spiral.  OTOH, if she hadn’t mentioned anything at all then nothing would happen.  So her choices were a) be silent and miserable or b) speak up and make him (me) depressed.  Lose-lose. : If I say something and back it up, he says, "Jesus, what do you do, keep a : notebook on how horrible I am?"  If I state something without backing it : up though he’ll say I’m wrong, and if I don’t produce examples to back it : up, that proves that I’m wrong.  A real lose-lose situation.   Yup.  Only I did it with her:  I have almost perfect recall of spoken words, so I’d _always_ have the rebuttal handy, but she’d only have vague things to go on.  So I always "won," when in fact all that I accomplished by "winning" was shutting down communications. : I’ve tried to do all these things and not think of them, hoping it will : make things better. But I get no thanks, no consideration, and no return : of like kindness. In my case, I never saw the need for me to participate in making plans, doing things, etc:  "She does it better than me anyway, so I’ll let her do it." : Having to ask for things which are to me basic instincts is much more : tiring than I ever imagined. And of course things are at their worst now : when WE need these things the most. My response to trouble is to reach : out. His is to withdrawl.  it just makes a spiral of worsening problems : and feelings. Yes, his withdrawal reaction does worsen things.  What I used to think: "Uh oh, trouble!  I guess I caused it, so I’ll go hide so as not to cause it again." : I understand that feelings and emotions change as a relationship ages… I : don’t expect the romance and passion of a young relationship. But does it : all really die like this?  I don’t think so, or at least I hope to hell : not.   There’s still a lot of hope, especially if this has just been going on for the last year or so.  There were times when I honestly felt that my SO would be better off leaving me, that she’d go on to live a happy life with someone else while I was stuck alone at home on the ‘Net.  I’m very happy to say that we stuck through it, I learned to come out to her, to *show* her that I love her, and we’ve been doing very well since then.  What he needs to understand is that HE is worth something, that you asking for companionship is not a "demand for romance" but an acknowledgment that he’s valuable in your eyes.  I know it sounds totally cart-before-the- horse, but if HE understood his self-worth, his self-esteem would go up and spill-over into your marriage. However, it requires more than anything else an effort from him to DO something.  What gave my SO so much patience was that I really was _trying_, even if I was clumsy, it was something. Warning:  I’m not a marriage counselor!  BUT, perhaps you could:    check out one of the many "How to spice up your marriage" books and      leave it on the TV remote?    be patient but persistent, maybe even set a deadline, "I’ll do my best      to wake him up to this, and if nothing happens in five months I’ll      begin making plans to leave." Good luck. : amy : — : amy young-leith                            http://php.indiana.edu/~alyoung — Kevin Lamonte         | alamonte <at bayou (dot) uh [dot] edu Fight spam!           |

Response:

<snip As of late I’ve been concerned with his… how do I say this… "development."  I don’t care what he does as long as he’s happy. But he says he wants XYZ, but his actions and plans do little to move towards XYZ. He says he wants a sailboat and to retire by the time he’s 45… but since he graduated from college last year he’s only sent out two resumes, sticking with whatever crappy job is handed to him (we’re both good at getting mediocre jobs without even trying).

Maybe those aren’t his desires anymore.  They may have changed.  He may not even know what exactly he wants for the future. Neither of us want children, so we retain a lot of our own personal freedom and ability to plan and do things in life. But he’s not doing much with his. I get all worked up over this and try to help, which eventually just seems like badgering, I’m sure. So I try to just say, "Hey, he’s an adult, he’ll do what he wants to do."  But I’m very afraid that in a few years, as I keep developing and doing more, the fact that he doesn’t will not only make him more miserable but also drive a bigger wedge between us.   Some of it is me and the things I want for him and us… but what he says he values and wants isn’t what he’s going for… so he complains about being unhappy, but then doesn’t do anything about it. ???

You seem to be jumping the gun on what will or won’t make him happy. A mediocre job may be OK to him now, and he may have no problem if you move up the ladder. He has already said he will not go to therapy. Or, rather, when I said I was going and I asked if he would go he said no, then said that he would go but he wouldn’t talk to anyone because he doesn’t trust them. Being from an odd family trust is a big deal with him. As he’s told me, "I trust you more than anyone else."  He cannot say, simply, "I trust you."

I don’t see the difference between "I trust you more than anyone else" and "I trust you".  They both seem to be equivalent.  What’s your problem with this?  If he goes to conselling with you, he may well open up, esp. once you begin discussing your feelings and all the things that involve him. We talk a lot but as of late I’ve been stonewalled which really worries me.  We talked about at length and agreed to the fact that since we are so different, sometimes we don’t "know" what the other person means or wants. So we have to be very simple and direct about what we need. For instance, we were at a friend’s this weekend, and we’d felt very distant for quite some time. So while walking the dogs I reached out, touched his arm and said, "We need to be a little more touchy."  I phrased it as a "we" issue, not a "you need to…" issue.  He said, "What do you mean?" and I said that I didn’t feel that we’d been very close lately.

Is there something else bothering him?  Something he doesn’t want to talk about, or has difficulty discussing? Now my response to this if he had asked me would have been to say, "Oh honey, I’m sorry" and walk over to him, hold his arm and cuddle him.  His response?

You can’t remove the physical aspect of a relationship, and that definitely includes the non-sexual touching/cuddling as well as sex. Most people can’t and won’t live without that. If I say something and back it up, he says, "Jesus, what do you do, keep a notebook on how horrible I am?"  If I state something without backing it up though he’ll say I’m wrong, and if I don’t produce examples to back it up, that proves that I’m wrong.  A real lose-lose situation.  

My ex used to bring up the same things with me, but then she didn’t like it when I did the same to her.  You just have to get by the accusations of who-did-what-to-whom-when.  It’s unproductive. <snip I understand that feelings and emotions change as a relationship ages… I don’t expect the romance and passion of a young relationship. But does it all really die like this?  I don’t think so, or at least I hope to hell not.   amy — amy young-leith                            http://php.indiana.edu/~alyoung

Having just gone through a somewhat similar experience (we separated just over a year ago), and now in a great relationship, it’s easier to see from a distance what some of my problems (and possibly yours) were. People work very hard at the courtship part of their lives together.  For many reasons, e.g., work, stress, kids, etc., none of which are good enough, people don’t work as hard at the relationship after the ink has dried.  My ex was very comfortable in her "life", apart as it was from me emotionally and physically.  She gave up on ambition at work, and just made money to visit her family overseas. After our son was born, we moved further and further apart, despite our feeble attempts to fix things.  We had 2 trips to the Caribbean and never made love once. We saw consellors, who weren’t very good, and it didn’t help.  I think you both have to resolve to change things and work very hard at it. There’s no magical solutions.  I’m just as guilty as she is. In ‘95, she left for an overseas trip with my son while I was very sick.  Something happened to me then.  I just realised I couldn’t take it anymore, and didn’t want to spend the rest of my life unhappy. I now have a new partner, we hold hands and cuddle all the time, and that’s become part of what we are together, even after a year together.  We go out fairly often, dinner, shows, whatever.  She even works with me (e.g., painting).  I hurt about my sone (I see him twice a week and every second weekend), but I’d never go back to that other life, now I know how good it should be. So, can you tear yourselves away from work and spend some time alone together?  Does he want to make it work and is he willing to work at your relationship?  A couple of weeks?  Away from family, friends and all distractions? Leave the recriminations behind?   And really work at putting it all back together.  Walk hand-in-hand down a beach?  You had it before, and you maybe you could get it back again.  Good luck. DAMN ALL SPAM!! To send me an e-mail, remove NOSPAM in my address.

Response:

What do you think of the mythical seven year itch? Basically the idea that after seven years, things become tedious and for many break apart at the seams. Do you think such a thing, regardless of the time frame, exists? If so, how can one avoid/ease/live through it?

My wife and I will be married 34 years come September 7 and we have written two books on marriage. Thus I would like to offer you some practical knowledge we have learned from many people from around the world who shared their wisdom with us. 1. All marriages float between good times and hard times. The trick is how well you manage the crises when they arrive. That means that forgiveness is a necessary condition of happy marriages. 2. Argrument is like a bottomless pit. The more you argue the further apart you all get. Long tenured marriages survive on the art of compromise.  Remember in a compromise neither person gets all he or she wants. 3. Foolishness happens in all marriages. If you expect perfection you ought to forget about marriage. People are human which means they will error. Frank Gifford and Kathie Lee are classic examples. Keep in mind that the foolishness can be gambling, uncontrol spending, drug use, and so on. 4. Listening occurs with your eyes, ears, and emotions. Emotional listening is 80 percent of all listening. You must take the time to learn to listen to your spouse. His or her dress can tell you what they are thinking – listening with you eyes. Hearing them complaining about something in a mild form tells you something serious is on the horizon. Listening closely to the emotions behind words tells you of their meaning – Stop. Stop! STOP! Convey three different messages in close moments with your spouse. 5. I happen to think the best marriage counselor is someone who has been married over thirty years who you can trust because they are not giving you academic answers, they can share real life with you. Perhaps you have a parent or relative or friend you can share with. I believe political correctness has made us forget about the importance of natural stresses in long term relationships. I’ll stop here. — Sherman N. Miller Delaware – Technical & Community College

Response:

One thing that seems to make things seem more difficult is that through much of our relationship things were so good and so easy. We are very different people… and have had our problems but we worked through them. We communicate a lot although in very different ways.

Well, the honeymoon phase is over, and now your looking at the working phase of the relationship.  This does not mean by any sense that you can’t and won’t have those times where you feel that things are going "so good and so easy".  In the beginning, your both concentrating on pleasing each other.  Alas, I think most every couple will eventually pass this point.  Bummer isn’t it??? As of late I’ve been concerned with his… how do I say this… "development."  I don’t care what he does as long as he’s happy. But he says he wants XYZ, but his actions and plans do little to move towards XYZ. He says he wants a sailboat and to retire by the time he’s 45… but since he graduated from college last year he’s only sent out two resumes, sticking with whatever crappy job is handed to him (we’re both good at getting mediocre jobs without even trying).

Well, he’s being honest with you when he says he wants to be retired by 45 and he wants a sailboat.  O.K., so he has a goal.  What he seems to be lacking at this very moment is the plan or course he wants to take to get to the goal.  Next time you talk, ask him with genuine curiosity if he is working on a plan, and what roal you play in this. Ask him if he has a plan for your relationship…how you can help him reach his goals, and then work together on whatever your goals are. Neither of us want children, so we retain a lot of our own personal freedom and ability to plan and do things in life. But he’s not doing much with his. I get all worked up over this and try to help, which eventually just seems like badgering, I’m sure. So I try to just say, "Hey, he’s an adult, he’ll do what he wants to do."  But I’m very afraid that in a few years, as I keep developing and doing more, the fact that he doesn’t will not only make him more miserable but also drive a bigger wedge between us.  

I could be way off, but your not paying for this and it’s only an opinion. ;)  Maybe he feels threatened in some fashion.  You seem to know what you want and it appears that you know what course your going to take to get it.  He may be feeling like a loser (I know he isn’t one in reality, but it could be how he is feeling).  A lot of men, especially at such a young age, really are not ready to write down something and then set it into stone. (so to speak) Plenty of women are the same way.  They know what they would really like to have, but to commit themselves and see it through can be daunting.  Were you a child who did well in school, always managed to keep things in order, manage your time well etc…?  Was he?  Maybe he is just lacking a starting point. Some of it is me and the things I want for him and us… but what he says he values and wants isn’t what he’s going for… so he complains about being unhappy, but then doesn’t do anything about it. ??? He has already said he will not go to therapy. Or, rather, when I said I was going and I asked if he would go he said no, then said that he would go but he wouldn’t talk to anyone because he doesn’t trust them. Being from an odd family trust is a big deal with him. As he’s told me, "I trust you more than anyone else."  He cannot say, simply, "I trust you."

His statement spoke volumes (to me).  He trusts you "the most".  Your the key person who he feels/felt safe with.  Now, your wanting to see some action and results. (this is when the growing/maturing at different rates becomes difficult)   Instead of just saying, "I don’t know", he will give you a minimal, yet probably quite truthfull answer.  That’s all he can give you right now. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -What are you fighting about?  What precipitated this trend?  Are you fussing with each other about issues you have always had and failed to resolve, or are you just now finding things (different things) to argue about?   Are these job and money "moves" causing stress?  Talk to the man……Good luck! We talk a lot but as of late I’ve been stonewalled which really worries me.  We talked about at length and agreed to the fact that since we are so different, sometimes we don’t "know" what the other person means or wants. So we have to be very simple and direct about what we need. For instance, we were at a friend’s this weekend, and we’d felt very distant for quite some time. So while walking the dogs I reached out, touched his arm and said, "We need to be a little more touchy."  I phrased it as a "we" issue, not a "you need to…" issue.  He said, "What do you mean?" and I said that I didn’t feel that we’d been very close lately. Now my response to this if he had asked me would have been to say, "Oh honey, I’m sorry" and walk over to him, hold his arm and cuddle him.  His response? "Ok, yeah, whatever" as he walks off, acting as if I’ve just asked him to move the Statue of Liberty with his pinky.  This hurts ten times more than the original problem. We set up a system to help aleviate problems, but when I use the system, he won’t. A lot of good that does.

I know where your coming from.  Sometimes, and it can be more often than not, you have to be the one to go and get that touch or hug. Unless you have someone else waiting to give it to you, you need to be the toucher/hugger.  Even when people really aren’t up for a hug, or seem to be in a particularly cuddly mood, a hug can do wonders….as much for the giver as the recipient. :)   If I say something and back it up, he says, "Jesus, what do you do, keep a notebook on how horrible I am?"  

That’s one of the old hurts coming back to haunt.  Let go of as many of these as you can.  Try to resolve things as they come along. (believe me…I know this is not easy.  I am looking at a possible second divorce due to being married to someone who refuses to discuss anything short of who’s day it is to take kid#2 tumbling.) There are some big issues here, and of course the little issues aggrivate things.  Stupid issues like why does he always ask me to call friends and make plans?  Why can’t he do it?  Hell why can’t he make friends? All of his friends were first my friends. Actually all of his jobs were related to my previous jobs as well, too.

Eeeek.  Maybe he sees this and is wondering all the same questions about himself. When we go to Chi Chi’s for lunch and sit in the Cantina, why does he refuse to go get the chips?  Why do I have to do it, when I do it all the time and even ask nicely if he’ll do it? Why do I have to be the one to make phone calls, do this, do that… things that often it is STUPID for me to do… because I’ll just have to relay information back and forth between the party I’m calling and him?  

Ahhh, this one is a mirror of what life in my house has always been like.  I’m changing it though.  I just flat quit getting up and getting the chips.  Period.  I quit making the calls, period.  I always had to do it, because I DID it, and they (men) know good and well that you may be bitching and harping at them, but if they wait it out long enough, YOU WILL TAKE CARE OF IT.  ;)  Sneeky that way aren’t they???  :)  You sound like I am.  I see something, anything that needs to be done.  I get tired of being the only one to do it. Bitching/begging/asking etc…(not neccessarily in that order) gets zero results.  The way I see it, I have two choices.  Do it and be glad it’s done, or get over it and let it go until he manages to get around to it.  This can be complicated.  If I have ten things that need done over the weekend, I will mentally sit down and figure out the best route to take to make the most of my time and get all the chores done as quickly and efficiently as possible…leaving me with an imaginary rest and relaxation time.  His method of thinking is….well hell, I’ve got all weekend, what’s the rush???  The way men and women approach things is usually just as opposite as they are. I’ve tried to do all these things and not think of them, hoping it will make things better. But I get no thanks, no consideration, and no return of like kindness.

Quit trying to "do all those things".  Let go for a week.  Be there for him.  Don’t question him…just let him know you love him and go about your life.  You said you didn’t care what he does as long as he’s happy?  Well, you do what makes you happy, and let him know that being with him is one of those things.  Try not to get him organized and on track.  It won’t work….. Why, if he has me do all this stupid bullshit, can he not do little things for me?

Because you have most likely always been the one to take care of all the little bullshit things.  And you most likely do it well. :) Why after all this time do I still have to ask for a hug?

Don’t ask any more!  Go over and GIVE one.  You’ll get one back. :) I ask these questions and I get no answer, I get a sullen or defensive response. I don’t get any extension of, "Hey, I’m trying" or "I’m sorry" or "I’ll try."  I can’t count how many times I’ve gotten upset over something and I’ve told him, "You know, that’s a cue for you to come over and show me some tenderness. Please, can you do that? Can you just reach out and touch me next time something happens?"  Does he?  No.

O.K., you have just established that he is not that way, and even with prodding, you are not getting what your wanting.  Now the question is, what will you do?  Call a friend who will be a sounding board, or a family member or someone close to you?  There may be other things you can do/people to count on when your upset.  Wait until the worst of the emotion is over (ie: anger or whatever) and then ask … read more »

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I’ve posted this to two groups that are the opposite sides of the coin in many cases to garner more responses. What do you think of the mythical seven year itch? Basically the idea that after seven years, things become tedious and for many break apart at the seams. Do you think such a thing, regardless of the time frame, exists? If so, how can one avoid/ease/live through it?

I think it happens, at various points in the relationship, not just a one time thing.  Could happen at two years or ten years into the union. My husband and I have been married for five years, but together seriously for eight. We are only 25 and 26. Things have been… stupid… lately.

Don’t take this as an insult, but you two are very young, and to have been together since your teens, you still have a lot of person growing to do.  Doing this together/side by side, without losing sight of your own goals or becoming to self centered in your quest to be (insert whatever here) is difficult to say the least.  Try whatever you can to keep a line of good communication going.  It’s never too early to obtain counceling (or so I have been told). Lots of stupid fighting, bickering, and it just seems like a downward spiral. We’ve made some of the best decisions and moves in our lives ever in relation to jobs and money, so that ISN’T the problem. amy

What are you fighting about?  What precipitated this trend?  Are you fussing with each other about issues you have always had and failed to resolve, or are you just now finding things (different things) to argue about?   Are these job and money "moves" causing stress?  Talk to the man……Good luck! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text — amy young-leith                            http://php.indiana.edu/~alyoung

Response:

I’ve posted this to two groups that are the opposite sides of the coin in many cases to garner more responses. What do you think of the mythical seven year itch? Basically the idea that after seven years, things become tedious and for many break apart at the seams. Do you think such a thing, regardless of the time frame, exists? If so, how can one avoid/ease/live through it? My husband and I have been married for five years, but together seriously for eight. We are only 25 and 26. Things have been… stupid… lately. Lots of stupid fighting, bickering, and it just seems like a downward spiral. We’ve made some of the best decisions and moves in our lives ever in relation to jobs and money, so that ISN’T the problem. amy — amy young-leith                            http://php.indiana.edu/~alyoung

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