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Sick with worry and confusion

Question:

I would suggest that you get in touch with your local Alzheimer’s Association and they should be able to put you in touch with someone who could help you. Your life sounds horrible, and you should not have to live that way. Gwen

Response:

not being allowed to have any other life beyond my home and children.

As far as I can tell, you don’t owe him any duty of care after the way he treated you the past 20 years.  Even if you haven’t thought of leaving before, it’s a good sign that you are even entertaining such thoughts now. My advice is simple.  Get in touch with your local women’s shelter (they’re in the phone book) and have them help you move. They can assist you in not only finding a safe place to live where he can’t find you, but can also help you find a job or job training if you need it, as well as therapy to rebuild your self esteem. You don’t need this man.  If he’s ill, he’ll continue to exploit you.  And if this "runs in the family" chances are that it’s not AD, it’s simply the same mental illness that has made him so cruel.  You can’t change him, so your best choice is to get away from him and disconnect. You still have the rest of your life to live.  Take action to save it now.

Response:

Attaboys to Frederick!  And to the person posting I say you’ve lived your husband’s life, now live yours.  It’s now all that easy to start a life after being told ‘how to’ so much.  But it can be done.  A little counseling can’t hurt either.  You can do this.  I know, I’ve been there and I am amazed at myself.  Stay with us and let us know jow you’re doing. The Cranky Genee – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I’ve been put on a shelf for twenty-one years and have had my self-esteem shattered.  I find myself having all the responsibilities now, but not being able to do anything because I worry about his reactions.  If it’s not work related, he’s not interested.  His memory is failing, which is causing his work to suffer.  I’m afraid he’s going to be fired soon. I’ve never been allowed to participate in anything related to his work, I have no friends, no family…I feel lost.

Response:

He may have Alzheimers, he may be mentally ill, or he may be suffering from some physical problem that is affecting his mind. Have you contacted his doctor about what you are seeing? Have you seen your OWN doctor to talk about the situation or discuss counselling and support for your feelings of depression and low self esteem? If you can’t convince your husband to get himself assessed to find out what is going on, you are going to make some decisions for yourself. It takes two willing participants to stay locked into a miserable situation. I’m 44 years old, and I have three young kids (10, 7, and 3), and I can tell you, I’d be out the door WITH the kids, and into a shelter in 10 minutes flat before I’d put up with that kind of abuse. I mean, why have you stuck it out so long? Don’t you think you deserve better? Even if you had to go work at Walmart and live in a little apartment, wouldn’t that be a happier situation for you and your children, rather than living with an abuser, and letting your children see you accepting being used as a doormat? You are relatively young and there is still time for you to have some happiness and get yourself on your feet. Get moving! The only way he can continue to abuse you is if you let him. If you are afraid of him and he won’t get help, get the heck out of there. Mary G.

Response:

You don’t identify yourself in any way, but that’s fine. It is very hard to see why you continue with this man.  Staying with him seems to be just perpetuating the misery. You have the ability to express yourself well in writing and so that is an asset in itself. You are relatively young and have many years ahead of you. What do you have to thank your husband for, and what obligations do you really owe him? Considering the good times and the bad times, have you found enough joy in your life with him to compensate for the misery. It sounds as if you don’t even find joy and satisfaction in your physical relationship with him. If you continue with him, as he progresses into AD he will get worse, and whatever slender tolerable relationship you have with him will get less and less.             Marriage is not until death we do part, the state of marriage is until death we do part, and yours seems to have ended long ago.     I think the sensible thing to do which will eventually lead to a better life is to divorce this man and leave him to his fate. There are facilities which exist in many communities where a woman who are in your position can stay temporarily. A sort of half way house to a better life. Consider your life to be in two parts, the past and the future, and set about living the future. Put this man behind you. You are wiser and more experienced than when you were 19. There are some good men out there who need the friendship and intimacy in their life that is a necessary component of living. Tread carefully and start to live. You don’t need this man to survive. Stop worrying and start planning the rest of your life. It sounds as if your children will fully understand, and even if they don’t, it’s still your life, not theirs. Good luck, Frederick – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My husband has the early symptoms of AD and also a family history, both sides.  His two older brothers started having problems too, around this age.  We are both 40 and have been married 21 years. My husband has changed, radically, in the past five years.  Before he was controlling, having come from a father of similar personality.  I have talked to domestic abuse counselors in the past, though he never was physical, but psychologically abusive and emotionally abusive.  If he didn’t get his way, there was hell to pay…that kind of thing. I’ve never been able to hold a job, because even though he wanted money, it would eventually interfere with his need for attention and I was forced to quit.  Suffice it to say that in all things he was Lord of the Manor and our children and I were at his beck and call, if and when he should desire it.  While he pursued his career in a prestigous company, I was put on the shelf, until needed, not being allowed to have any other life beyond my home and children. Here I am, twenty-one years later, no education beyond high school, (I saved a whole year for the money to start college, psychology, and the day after I sent in my check to be admitted, he told me he was going to get laid off.   I couldn’t go to college, because we would need the money to feed our children. It was a lie.).  I’ve lost all my family, who didn’t want me to marry him.  My parents have passed away.  I’ve never been able to have friends.  I’ve lived here, in my newest home (moved to pursue his career) and haven’t even had anyone to talk to in 8 years.  In the first week we moved here, he stood on the porch and screamed out at the top of his lungs that all the people from this state are (insert any bad word you can think of and it was probably said).  He did this for weeks and it worked, the neighbors won’t go near us. To make a long story short, he has changed, dramitically, not as coniving or manipulative, but he has gone the opposite way, seemingly not caring about anything. Well, that’s not particularly so, he’s still demanding, in that he tries to take care of the money, which he’s put us into ruin. He tries to control, but can’t seem too and this makes him frustrated, which turns to anger.  He’s become verbally violent, even more so than he was before. If I step in and try to lead, I’m called bad names.  All women are called bad names. While in some aspects, it seems that I would be happy for a little repreive, but in fact, it’s made me sick with worry.  I feel like I’m married to a child, some days and a raging monster on other days.  He pesters me continually, sexually, even in emails and I’m being wore to a frazzle.  In the past he has always pestered me, in a mean way, when he was upset. I know he is hurting and even through all the misery he’s put me through, I’m sick with worry, all kinds of worry. I’m just sick, but even in that, he is fiercely competitive.  Our children are worried, because they see he has changed. My youngest daughter commented that he seems to be *gone* most of the time, but when he’s here, he’s acting weird. I’ve been put on a shelf for twenty-one years and have had my self-esteem shattered.  I find myself having all the responsibilities now, but not being able to do anything because I worry about his reactions.  If it’s not work related, he’s not interested.  His memory is failing, which is causing his work to suffer.  I’m afraid he’s going to be fired soon. I’ve never been allowed to participate in anything related to his work, I have no friends, no family…I feel lost.

Response:

My husband has the early symptoms of AD and also a family history, both sides.  His two older brothers started having problems too, around this age.  We are both 40 and have been married 21 years. My husband has changed, radically, in the past five years.  Before he was controlling, having come from a father of similar personality.  I have talked to domestic abuse counselors in the past, though he never was physical, but psychologically abusive and emotionally abusive.  If he didn’t get his way, there was hell to pay…that kind of thing. I’ve never been able to hold a job, because even though he wanted money, it would eventually interfere with his need for attention and I was forced to quit.  Suffice it to say that in all things he was Lord of the Manor and our children and I were at his beck and call, if and when he should desire it.  While he pursued his career in a prestigous company, I was put on the shelf, until needed, not being allowed to have any other life beyond my home and children. Here I am, twenty-one years later, no education beyond high school, (I saved a whole year for the money to start college, psychology, and the day after I sent in my check to be admitted, he told me he was going to get laid off.   I couldn’t go to college, because we would need the money to feed our children. It was a lie.).  I’ve lost all my family, who didn’t want me to marry him.  My parents have passed away.  I’ve never been able to have friends.  I’ve lived here, in my newest home (moved to pursue his career) and haven’t even had anyone to talk to in 8 years.  In the first week we moved here, he stood on the porch and screamed out at the top of his lungs that all the people from this state are (insert any bad word you can think of and it was probably said).  He did this for weeks and it worked, the neighbors won’t go near us. To make a long story short, he has changed, dramitically, not as coniving or manipulative, but he has gone the opposite way, seemingly not caring about anything. Well, that’s not particularly so, he’s still demanding, in that he tries to take care of the money, which he’s put us into ruin. He tries to control, but can’t seem too and this makes him frustrated, which turns to anger.  He’s become verbally violent, even more so than he was before. If I step in and try to lead, I’m called bad names.  All women are called bad names. While in some aspects, it seems that I would be happy for a little repreive, but in fact, it’s made me sick with worry.  I feel like I’m married to a child, some days and a raging monster on other days.  He pesters me continually, sexually, even in emails and I’m being wore to a frazzle.  In the past he has always pestered me, in a mean way, when he was upset. I know he is hurting and even through all the misery he’s put me through, I’m sick with worry, all kinds of worry. I’m just sick, but even in that, he is fiercely competitive.  Our children are worried, because they see he has changed. My youngest daughter commented that he seems to be *gone* most of the time, but when he’s here, he’s acting weird. I’ve been put on a shelf for twenty-one years and have had my self-esteem shattered.  I find myself having all the responsibilities now, but not being able to do anything because I worry about his reactions.  If it’s not work related, he’s not interested.  His memory is failing, which is causing his work to suffer.  I’m afraid he’s going to be fired soon. I’ve never been allowed to participate in anything related to his work, I have no friends, no family…I feel lost.

Response:

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