Act Acting » Acting School » SS hates me [rather long]

SS hates me [rather long]

Question:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Jennifer wrote: > Lilale wrote: > > Well, taking it personally is sort of my new revelation.  I used to see it as the > > next chapter in the life of a kid who feels he has no mom, and I didn’t take it > > personally.  But now I feel as if he’s more fully formed as a man with his own > > opinions and character, and that man does not like me! > > I suppose that many families have people who dislike other family members.  How do > > they deal with that?  maybe I need to learn about that, becaus maybe this kid just > > will always loathe me no matter how old he is!  I hope not, but I don’t want to be > > a big dope and go through our whole life waiting for the next stage if this is it. > You make interesting points here.  It’s true that family members might end up as adults > not finding themselves attuned at all to their relatives.  I think you just try harder > with those people, and you resist the urge to cut them out b/c you know they’re > family.  For instance, I have an easy and deep bond with my sister and one of my > brothers, but with another brother it’s taken us years to get to the point we are right > now, where we are both working to understand each other. > I think it might be as you say, that your SS will become a man who doesn’t like you, > but that man will continue to grow and learn…and as he matures even more, he’ll start > to evaluate his life and understand more of why he feels the way he does.  I believe > that he will respect you for the way you care for and raised him, and coupled with your > familial relationship to him, that will ultimately result in a close bond between the > two of you.  It might happen for him closer to 30 than 16 :-) > Jennifer

That’s what we all hope, isn’t it –that the children will see what we did, and appreciate it.  I suppose it could happen for me –I’m glad it seems possible to you.  Let’s see, if he’s 16 now then I’m halfway to the day when he’s 30 and doesn’t hate me!

Response:

"Lilale" <teleighNOS…@ncal.net> wrote in message

news:3D600428.3698D90A@ncal.net… > I had forgotten that book!  I was hostile when I read it because it seemed to > advocate complete abdication of parental responsibility.  But that was before I > had teenagers.  I should re-read it.

I don’t think it advocated that, more a rethink how your own behaviour contributes to the situation. Wendy

Response:

"Lilale" <teleighNOS…@ncal.net> wrote in message

news:3D60086A.712DF02D@ncal.net… > Yes, my (bio-)daughter is 14 and I do understand her need to separate. She hates > me in a very age-specific way that I understand.  I think that comparing her > adolescence with her older brother’s is one of the things that makes me say, "Hey! > He really hates me!"

I really do think that you need to be careful about comparing boys and girls, as they do react very differently to things. > Well, taking it personally is sort of my new revelation.  I used to see it as the > next chapter in the life of a kid who feels he has no mom, and I didn’t take it > personally.  But now I feel as if he’s more fully formed as a man with his own > opinions and character, and that man does not like me!

I love my parents absolutely, but I don’t always like everything about them. Adolescents have to come to terms with the transition from seeing their parents as quasi-perfect role models to humans with human failings.  One of the things we do as we mature is to learn to accept that the good comes with the less good and vice versa. Wendy

Response:

Yes, I think you’re right.  I keep finding myself doing things that book recommends, that I never thought I would.  Like just saying "You’re late," without trying to set up consequences like "for every minute you’re late you have to come in earlier next time."  Also, as they get older the natural consequences of their actions are more influential, so the parents really don’t have to make things up.  For example, saying "I don’t know what’s going on at school but there seems to be a problem and I want you to fix it."  And then he does!  It works!  How cool! But when I first read it my kids were 8 and 11, and I was still quite properly interfering with everything.  Now I see it differently. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Wendy wrote: > "Lilale" <teleighNOS…@ncal.net> wrote in message > news:3D600428.3698D90A@ncal.net… > > I had forgotten that book!  I was hostile when I read it because it seemed > to > > advocate complete abdication of parental responsibility.  But that was > before I > > had teenagers.  I should re-read it. > I don’t think it advocated that, more a rethink how your own behaviour > contributes to the situation. > Wendy

Response:

Thank you so much for your cyber-support!  It means a lot. WhansaMi wrote: > I’m afraid I’m simply too exhausted right now to come up with any ideas, but > wanted to give you some cyber-support.  :-) > Maybe some further information, though? > When did this start?  Was it a process, or was there some precipitating event?

I think it has perhaps always been there, and I’m only now recognizing it.  SS has a hard time emotionally, I think largely because he felt so abandoned by BM.  I belive that she sees his life as very rich and filled with lots of different interesting people, but to me it looks like when he was little she paid attention to her many boyfriends instead of to him.  Also, she has two older children who did live with her, while SS has lived with his dad and then with me and his dad since he was 2.  So he’s sad and angry, and he’s the sort of person who turns all emotions into anger. And I always thought that such problems as we had were due largely to that.  I enjoyed bringin him up, though, and he does take after me in many ways (argumentative, quick-thinking, relentless), which is gratifying, and which made me think that we had a good relationship despite his problems. But now I’ve had my great revelation: it’s not just him, It’s me!  What if all this time it HAS been personal, not "just" his lack of early attachment! Sometiems people just don’t like each other –and he doesn’t like me.  And then when someone you don’t like has a lot of power over you, UGH!  You hate them –and I do have that kind of power, because here I am owning the keys to the car and signing permission slips –so he he hates me. > What does he say about why he is behaving as he does?

Well, a few weeks ago he was very upset about something else, and he told my husband that he felt badly that we weren’t getting along.  He said, "it’s because I’m so mean to her."  But it hasn’t changed at all, and he has just grunted and said "nothing" and  –you know how they tune you out– when I’ve asked what’s up. > How does he treat others in the family? Is this directed only towards you? > How is he in other enviroments (e.g. school, sports, etc.)?

Well, I guess he’s nasty to everybody these days, except for a couple of the guys on his sports team.  But he always has been, and I never thought before that it was because of me personally.  Now I think it’s really me.  And I  don’t know what to do about that.  I’ve always liked everybody in my family; I’ve never had to deal with this before.  Well -except once.  My first husband hated me.  But divorce is not an option now! Thanks, sheila, for your questions.  I’m surprised I hadn’t thought about them before. Lisa

Response:

I had forgotten that book!  I was hostile when I read it because it seemed to advocate complete abdication of parental responsibility.  But that was before I had teenagers.  I should re-read it. And you know, if it’s a step-mother rather than a BM whom you’re trying to be independent of, the sexual element must be even more difficult to deal with.  So maybe some of the repulsion is that.  Actually a comforting thought!  No wonder I like his girlfriend so much (even though if my daughter acted as she does I’d be really upset)  –having erotic relationships of his own (EEEEEK!!!!!!) must help with this. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Wendy wrote: > "Lilale" <teleighNOS…@ncal.net> wrote in message > news:3D5AFCDB.A42F2C60@ncal.net… > > And now he hates me. It’s exhausting.  He doesn’t even bother having > > temper fits anymore –he just resolutely acts as though I don’t exist. > In the book "Get out of my life but first could you drive me and Cheryl to > the mall", the author says boys and girls behave differently during puberty. > That girls tend to stay home and argue, while boys get out and find their > own space.  The book postulates that this is about avoiding mothers and SMs > because they are female.  They don’t know how to behave around them so they > just try to avoid them. This is because everything around them is so > sexualised. > I don’t have boys, so I can’t say, though I would say my only brother was a > lot different from me and my three sisters.  I do know that his comment that > girls stick around and argue seems to be  consistent with my experience. > Wendy

Response:

Aileen MacNicol wrote: > First of all, the situation you describe could have been me a few years > ago WRT SS22.  I can sympathise with how you must be feeling as I’ve > been through the same thing, especially the change of subject > conversation thing, that rang several loud bells for me.

Amy, that’s good to hear!  I’m pretty sure "SS22" is your 22-year-old step son. What does "WRT" mean? > >And now he hates me. It’s exhausting.  He doesn’t even bother having > >temper fits anymore — > When he did have temper fits, what sparked them off?

Temper fits are his great temptation, and his default response to everything unpleasant, especially being reminded of conventions and expectations and obligations that he knows perfectly well but hasn’t observed.  In this context, what I mean is that he used to slam around the house when my husband reminded him to do something like "say good-bye" in reply to me.  Now he has mastered the art of minimal courtesy. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >he just resolutely acts as though I don’t exist. > >He won’t talk to me, won’t look at me, nothing.  For a while my husband > >nagged him to reply when I said "good morning," "good-bye," "Hi, how was > >your day," and "good night."  Now he knows that there’s be a remark if > >he doesn’t, so he gives this horrible sort of grunt that he knows is the > >minimum he can get away with, and other than that it’s nothing.  Even at > >the dinner table, if I’ve just raised some topic of general interest > >like "where should we go for our vacation?" he waits until I’ve stopped > >speaking (so he’s not technically interrupting) and then says something > >to DH about football or cars. > You have your SS full time – I was only dealing with this 50% of the > time so did have some ‘break’ from it.  I tried talking to SS; DH tried > talking to him; even BM (we were civilised then) tried talking to him; > he insisted there was no problem, with me, he was perfectly happy, > wasn’t aware of anything he was doing to make me feel this way, etc.  I > didn’t think it right to keep pushing him like this and to be honest > eventually I ‘gave up’, I continued to be polite and communicate to a > minimum level of correctness.  Was hard and felt nasty but when he hit > 18 or so the tide did turn somehow; it has been a slow process but now > at 22 we are starting to have a closer, easier and happier relationship. > I do not think there was any other reason for his behaviour towards me > other than teen/puberty confusions and so on.

I think there’s a lot to be said for "giving up."  I have had some of great triumphs that way, not just in child-rearing but also in marriage and in my profession.  I used to try to talk with SS, and decided that it was not helping, so went back to "minimal level of correctness."  As you say, it is hard, and feels nasty, to go for days with just hello, how are you, fine, where are you going, whom will you be with, when will you be back, hello, goodnight. > How often does he see his mother?

Not much.  It has never been much, and I do think that makes his life harder at every stage.   I have always tried to filter his behavior through that lens.  Perhaps one of the things that makes me take it more personally now is that he is growing up and I hold him, not "his maternal abandonment issues" responsbile for his choices and his behavior. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >It’s making me really miserable.  I do everything I can to be > >even-tempered, supportive, and respectful.  I work really hard –not > >just at my job but at his school and helping to manage his sports team > >nd so forth– so that he’ll have a good life.  And he’s so stonily > >hateful that I don’t even want to be at home any more. > If you can do it I would continue as you have been.  Keep showing him > that you are there for him.  Keep stable.  Unless there is some specific > thing that has happened to cause a sudden change in his behaviour, or > its linked with his relationship with his mother in some way, I would > reckon its his age.  It is miserable and horrible for you – I know, I > have been there – but persevere, there may be light at the end of the > tunnel for you sooner than you think.  All just my very humble opinion > of course.  Hope it works out for you :-) > — > Aileen MacNicol

Thanks again!  I’ll keep on keeping on, then! Lisa

Response:

jane wrote: > 16 seems to be pretty tough.   My SS is 16.  He’s fine to me and to his father. >  He’s torturing his mother.

Perhaps I’m getting the worst of both worlds now –I’ve brought him up as long as he can remember (since he was 6), so I get the rebelling-against-mom stuff, but I’m not the BM he really longs for, so I get that too.  If he’s mad at me, he expresses it to me.  And if he mad at her, he expresses it to . . . the only mom in the house . .. me. > I tell you, though, when my daughter was 13, it was awful.  One minute I was a > god, the next I couldn’t do anything right.  I understood her need to separate > from me to form her own identity.  I understood that when you’ve been very > close that separation can be very hard.  I understood that this was ultimately > a good thing for both of us.  I hated it anyway.

Yes, my (bio-)daughter is 14 and I do understand her need to separate.  She hates me in a very age-specific way that I understand.  I think that comparing her adolescence with her older brother’s is one of the things that makes me say, "Hey! He really hates me!" > There’s that "Yes! Your Teen is Crazy" book.  I like that.

I’ll have to get it; it sounds promising from the title.  My DH, a psychologist, says "adolescence is a transitory disorder." > Does it help at all to try not to take it personally?

Well, taking it personally is sort of my new revelation.  I used to see it as the next chapter in the life of a kid who feels he has no mom, and I didn’t take it personally.  But now I feel as if he’s more fully formed as a man with his own opinions and character, and that man does not like me! I suppose that many families have people who dislike other family members.  How do they deal with that?  maybe I need to learn about that, becaus maybe this kid just will always loathe me no matter how old he is!  I hope not, but I don’t want to be a big dope and go through our whole life waiting for the next stage if this is it.

Response:

Amy Lou wrote: > Here’s what I am getting from your post. You are being treated badly by your > SS and you dont like it. The solution is simple. Let him know you that dont > like it and that you will no longer tolerate it. You dont *have* to continue > to give him a good life, just like he doesnt *have* to like you, but if you > are going to continue to live together he needs to be given limits. I agree > with the others that some of the behaviour is just a passing phase and > ignoring it or just ‘rolling the eyes’ at it is all that is called for. But > when the bahaviour is downright disrespectful or rude he should be called on > it. JMHO. > Amy

Thanks for your post, Amy.  It sounds as though you have had some good results with declaring that you won’t tolerate things.  I used to do rather a lot of that –the "astringent method" is how I think of it.  Especially when our son was younger, 8-12, he needed a LOT of limit-setting, and although it’s not my usual style I rose to the occasion.  Honestly I felt as though I had been possessed by a jack-booted, whistle-blowing fiend, sometimes, but I was extremely consistent and demanding. As the kids have grown up, however, they have learned a thing or two.  They are well aware of our household conventions and rules, and we rarely get outright violations.  SS, particularly, is always home on time, does his chores with relatively little reminding, and has the outward forms of minimal politeness pretty much mastered.  Both of our kids are absolutely master sulkers, because they maintain the outward forms to the point that it’s hard to convict on a charge of "downright disrespectful or rude."  BD, as I’ve said, only occasionally does it –for SS it seems to have become a permanent lifestyle choice! Of course it’s extermely inconsiderate to let people know that you don’t like them, and he shouldn’t be doing it to me.  But really it’s hard to say exactly where I would put my foot down on this one.  After all you really *can’t* make someone like you, and what exactly would I demand?  To be included in conversations, I suppose, and to be chatted up occasionally.  But then one does get to a point where it really is meaningless if it’s not spontaneous, or at least genuine –and it wouldn’t be. Do you have teen-agers yourself?  Have they gotten like this at all?  How has it worked to tell them you don’t like it? I should say, by the way that there’s really not much of an "if" about "if we are going to continue to live together."  We’re in it, and unless he were harming BD I would not bail at this point. Again, I appreciate your suggestions.  Thanks. Lisa

Response:

>With regards to".  I think it must be a British abbreviation – I’ve >seen it in UK newsgroups but not so much in here.

I have seen it in other groups.  I always assumed it means, "with regard to" or "with relation to". *** Geri

Response:

> What does "WRT" mean? > "With regards to".  I think it must be a British abbreviation – I’ve > seen it in UK newsgroups but not so much in here.

The fact that I’m ignorant of it doesn’t mean Americans don’t use it –I’m just unusually cyber-illiterate. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> (snip – trying all things, then ‘giving up’) > >I think there’s a lot to be said for "giving up."  I have had some of great > >triumphs that way, not just in child-rearing but also in marriage and in my > >profession.  I used to try to talk with SS, and decided that it was not > >helping, so went back to "minimal level of correctness."  As you say, it is > >hard, and feels nasty, to go for days with just hello, how are you, fine, > >where are you going, whom will you be with, when will you be back, hello, > >goodnight. > I do too, although in other ways I find it hard to admit/acknowledge > that I have been unable to find a more productive way of sorting things > out. However that’s my problem and if the ‘giving up’ approach means > healthier and happier relationships in the long run, so be it :-)

Yes.  It does seem like a VERY long, long run sometimes.  And then it’s hard for me because I’m a pretty conscientious, persistent person.  So "giving up," "letting go" and such things –oooh, "acceptance," that’s a good one– can seem really irresponsible to me.  I never know whether I’m being wise and philosophical, or just getting worn down.  Also, I used to be very scornful of SS’s BM, who was always lending a "spriritual" vocabulary to what I thought were terrible failures of maternal competenec.  I do so hate eating my words! > >> How often does he see his mother? > >Not much.  It has never been much, and I do think that makes his life harder > >at every stage.   I have always tried to filter his behavior through that > >lens.  Perhaps one of the things that makes me take it more personally now is > >that he is growing up and I hold him, not "his maternal abandonment issues" > >responsbile for his choices and his behavior. > I’m glad you have said this last as it is my feelings regarding SS22 > (although lesser now, obviously, ‘cos he’s getting there) and more > specifically SD20 – but I was wondering if I was being too harsh.

Well, I think it’s a matter of being respectful.  I would resent it if my character were reduced to the limitations of my upbringing.  Now that I am the captain of my little ship (or at least a lieutenant –as a Christian I get to do a certain amount of abdication), I like to feel that I am more autonomous than that.  And 16 seems like the time for switching over fro dependent kid to adult who is in charge. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >Thanks again!  I’ll keep on keeping on, then! > >Lisa > We need to don’t we! :-) > — > Aileen MacNicol

Response:

In article <3D6006EE.FBC78…@ncal.net>, Lilale <teleighNOS…@ncal.net> writes >Aileen MacNicol wrote: >> First of all, the situation you describe could have been me a few years >> ago WRT SS22.  I can sympathise with how you must be feeling as I’ve >> been through the same thing, especially the change of subject >> conversation thing, that rang several loud bells for me. >Amy, that’s good to hear!  I’m pretty sure "SS22" is your 22-year-old step >son. What does "WRT" mean?

"With regards to".  I think it must be a British abbreviation – I’ve seen it in UK newsgroups but not so much in here. (snip – trying all things, then ‘giving up’) >I think there’s a lot to be said for "giving up."  I have had some of great >triumphs that way, not just in child-rearing but also in marriage and in my >profession.  I used to try to talk with SS, and decided that it was not >helping, so went back to "minimal level of correctness."  As you say, it is >hard, and feels nasty, to go for days with just hello, how are you, fine, >where are you going, whom will you be with, when will you be back, hello, >goodnight.

I do too, although in other ways I find it hard to admit/acknowledge that I have been unable to find a more productive way of sorting things out. However that’s my problem and if the ‘giving up’ approach means healthier and happier relationships in the long run, so be it :-) >> How often does he see his mother? >Not much.  It has never been much, and I do think that makes his life harder >at every stage.   I have always tried to filter his behavior through that >lens.  Perhaps one of the things that makes me take it more personally now is >that he is growing up and I hold him, not "his maternal abandonment issues" >responsbile for his choices and his behavior.

I’m glad you have said this last as it is my feelings regarding SS22 (although lesser now, obviously, ‘cos he’s getting there) and more specifically SD20 – but I was wondering if I was being too harsh.   >Thanks again!  I’ll keep on keeping on, then! >Lisa

We need to don’t we! :-) — Aileen MacNicol

Response:

Lilale wrote: > Well, taking it personally is sort of my new revelation.  I used to see it as the > next chapter in the life of a kid who feels he has no mom, and I didn’t take it > personally.  But now I feel as if he’s more fully formed as a man with his own > opinions and character, and that man does not like me! > I suppose that many families have people who dislike other family members.  How do > they deal with that?  maybe I need to learn about that, becaus maybe this kid just > will always loathe me no matter how old he is!  I hope not, but I don’t want to be > a big dope and go through our whole life waiting for the next stage if this is it.

You make interesting points here.  It’s true that family members might end up as adults not finding themselves attuned at all to their relatives.  I think you just try harder with those people, and you resist the urge to cut them out b/c you know they’re family.  For instance, I have an easy and deep bond with my sister and one of my brothers, but with another brother it’s taken us years to get to the point we are right now, where we are both working to understand each other. I think it might be as you say, that your SS will become a man who doesn’t like you, but that man will continue to grow and learn…and as he matures even more, he’ll start to evaluate his life and understand more of why he feels the way he does.  I believe that he will respect you for the way you care for and raised him, and coupled with your familial relationship to him, that will ultimately result in a close bond between the two of you.  It might happen for him closer to 30 than 16 :-) Jennifer

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>And now he hates me.

16 seems to be pretty tough.   My SS is 16.  He’s fine to me and to his father.  He’s torturing his mother. I tell you, though, when my daughter was 13, it was awful.  One minute I was a god, the next I couldn’t do anything right.  I understood her need to separate from me to form her own identity.  I understood that when you’ve been very close that separation can be very hard.  I understood that this was ultimately a good thing for both of us.  I hated it anyway. There’s that "Yes! Your Teen is Crazy" book.  I like that.   Does it help at all to try not to take it personally? jane

Response:

"Lilale" <teleighNOS…@ncal.net> wrote in message

news:3D5AFCDB.A42F2C60@ncal.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Greeting. I haven’t been around for –well, three or four years, except > for occasional lurking.  Lately I’ve been hanging around a bit.  Now I > wonder whether anybody has any good ideas for me in my troubles. > Background: My husband and I have been married for 9 years.  We have a > boy, 16, from his first marriage, and a girl, 14, from my first > marriage.  SS’s mom lives a couple of hours away.  BD’s dad lives on the > other side of the continent (we’re on the west coast). The kids have > always lived with us. > We’ve all learned a lot over the years.  I especially try to keep in > mind that being really sweet to the non-custodial parents –not just > acting sweet but actually having as much sympathy and affection as I can > muster– makes the whole things work a lot better. > Anyway, when we all first met SS and I were the core of the team in a > lot of ways.  He was very fond of  me when he was little, my parents and > other relatives have completely taken him to their hearts (and houses, > and even their wills), and although he has his problems it has been like > having an actual family life. > And now he hates me. It’s exhausting.  He doesn’t even bother having > temper fits anymore –he just resolutely acts as though I don’t exist. > He won’t talk to me, won’t look at me, nothing.  For a while my husband > nagged him to reply when I said "good morning," "good-bye," "Hi, how was > your day," and "good night."  Now he knows that there’s be a remark if > he doesn’t, so he gives this horrible sort of grunt that he knows is the > minimum he can get away with, and other than that it’s nothing.  Even at > the dinner table, if I’ve just raised some topic of general interest > like "where should we go for our vacation?" he waits until I’ve stopped > speaking (so he’s not technically interrupting) and then says something > to DH about football or cars. > I know that other people with teens have this sort of thing, but there > are SOME breaks in the cold iron wall.  My daughter is going through the > same time of life –wanting lots more privacy and independence– and she > still chats about things, hugs and kisses, and generally is friendly. > It’s making me really miserable.  I do everything I can to be > even-tempered, supportive, and respectful.  I work really hard –not > just at my job but at his school and helping to manage his sports team > nd so forth– so that he’ll have a good life.  And he’s so stonily > hateful that I don’t even want to be at home any more. > Any ideas?

Here’s what I am getting from your post. You are being treated badly by your SS and you dont like it. The solution is simple. Let him know you that dont like it and that you will no longer tolerate it. You dont *have* to continue to give him a good life, just like he doesnt *have* to like you, but if you are going to continue to live together he needs to be given limits. I agree with the others that some of the behaviour is just a passing phase and ignoring it or just ‘rolling the eyes’ at it is all that is called for. But when the bahaviour is downright disrespectful or rude he should be called on it. JMHO. Amy

Response:

>It’s making me really miserable.  I do everything I can to be >even-tempered, supportive, and respectful.  I work really hard –not >just at my job but at his school and helping to manage his sports team >nd so forth– so that he’ll have a good life.  And he’s so stonily >hateful that I don’t even want to be at home any more. >Any ideas?

Dear Lilale, I’m afraid I’m simply too exhausted right now to come up with any ideas, but wanted to give you some cyber-support.  :-) Maybe some further information, though? When did this start?  Was it a process, or was there some precipitating event? What does he say about why he is behaving as he does? How does he treat others in the family? Is this directed only towards you? How is he in other enviroments (e.g. school, sports, etc.)? Sheila

Response:

"Lilale" <teleighNOS…@ncal.net> wrote in message

news:3D5AFCDB.A42F2C60@ncal.net… > And now he hates me. It’s exhausting.  He doesn’t even bother having > temper fits anymore –he just resolutely acts as though I don’t exist.

In the book "Get out of my life but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall", the author says boys and girls behave differently during puberty. That girls tend to stay home and argue, while boys get out and find their own space.  The book postulates that this is about avoiding mothers and SMs because they are female.  They don’t know how to behave around them so they just try to avoid them. This is because everything around them is so sexualised. I don’t have boys, so I can’t say, though I would say my only brother was a lot different from me and my three sisters.  I do know that his comment that girls stick around and argue seems to be  consistent with my experience. Wendy

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In article <3D5AFCDB.A42F2…@ncal.net>, Lilale <teleighNOS…@ncal.net> writes >Greeting.

Hello (snip background) First of all, the situation you describe could have been me a few years ago WRT SS22.  I can sympathise with how you must be feeling as I’ve been through the same thing, especially the change of subject conversation thing, that rang several loud bells for me.   >And now he hates me. It’s exhausting.  He doesn’t even bother having >temper fits anymore —

When he did have temper fits, what sparked them off? >he just resolutely acts as though I don’t exist. >He won’t talk to me, won’t look at me, nothing.  For a while my husband >nagged him to reply when I said "good morning," "good-bye," "Hi, how was >your day," and "good night."  Now he knows that there’s be a remark if >he doesn’t, so he gives this horrible sort of grunt that he knows is the >minimum he can get away with, and other than that it’s nothing.  Even at >the dinner table, if I’ve just raised some topic of general interest >like "where should we go for our vacation?" he waits until I’ve stopped >speaking (so he’s not technically interrupting) and then says something >to DH about football or cars.

You have your SS full time – I was only dealing with this 50% of the time so did have some ‘break’ from it.  I tried talking to SS; DH tried talking to him; even BM (we were civilised then) tried talking to him; he insisted there was no problem, with me, he was perfectly happy, wasn’t aware of anything he was doing to make me feel this way, etc.  I didn’t think it right to keep pushing him like this and to be honest eventually I ‘gave up’, I continued to be polite and communicate to a minimum level of correctness.  Was hard and felt nasty but when he hit 18 or so the tide did turn somehow; it has been a slow process but now at 22 we are starting to have a closer, easier and happier relationship. I do not think there was any other reason for his behaviour towards me other than teen/puberty confusions and so on.   How often does he see his mother?   >I know that other people with teens have this sort of thing, but there >are SOME breaks in the cold iron wall.  My daughter is going through the >same time of life –wanting lots more privacy and independence– and she >still chats about things, hugs and kisses, and generally is friendly. >It’s making me really miserable.  I do everything I can to be >even-tempered, supportive, and respectful.  I work really hard –not >just at my job but at his school and helping to manage his sports team >nd so forth– so that he’ll have a good life.  And he’s so stonily >hateful that I don’t even want to be at home any more.

If you can do it I would continue as you have been.  Keep showing him that you are there for him.  Keep stable.  Unless there is some specific thing that has happened to cause a sudden change in his behaviour, or its linked with his relationship with his mother in some way, I would reckon its his age.  It is miserable and horrible for you – I know, I have been there – but persevere, there may be light at the end of the tunnel for you sooner than you think.  All just my very humble opinion of course.  Hope it works out for you :-) — Aileen MacNicol

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Greeting. I haven’t been around for –well, three or four years, except for occasional lurking.  Lately I’ve been hanging around a bit.  Now I wonder whether anybody has any good ideas for me in my troubles. Background: My husband and I have been married for 9 years.  We have a boy, 16, from his first marriage, and a girl, 14, from my first marriage.  SS’s mom lives a couple of hours away.  BD’s dad lives on the other side of the continent (we’re on the west coast). The kids have always lived with us. We’ve all learned a lot over the years.  I especially try to keep in mind that being really sweet to the non-custodial parents –not just acting sweet but actually having as much sympathy and affection as I can muster– makes the whole things work a lot better. Anyway, when we all first met SS and I were the core of the team in a lot of ways.  He was very fond of  me when he was little, my parents and other relatives have completely taken him to their hearts (and houses, and even their wills), and although he has his problems it has been like having an actual family life. And now he hates me. It’s exhausting.  He doesn’t even bother having temper fits anymore –he just resolutely acts as though I don’t exist. He won’t talk to me, won’t look at me, nothing.  For a while my husband nagged him to reply when I said "good morning," "good-bye," "Hi, how was your day," and "good night."  Now he knows that there’s be a remark if he doesn’t, so he gives this horrible sort of grunt that he knows is the minimum he can get away with, and other than that it’s nothing.  Even at the dinner table, if I’ve just raised some topic of general interest like "where should we go for our vacation?" he waits until I’ve stopped speaking (so he’s not technically interrupting) and then says something to DH about football or cars. I know that other people with teens have this sort of thing, but there are SOME breaks in the cold iron wall.  My daughter is going through the same time of life –wanting lots more privacy and independence– and she still chats about things, hugs and kisses, and generally is friendly. It’s making me really miserable.  I do everything I can to be even-tempered, supportive, and respectful.  I work really hard –not just at my job but at his school and helping to manage his sports team nd so forth– so that he’ll have a good life.  And he’s so stonily hateful that I don’t even want to be at home any more. Any ideas?

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