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Telling My Child

Question:

Be honest and tell the truth, it’s when you tell him,  if you feel he won’t understand until it’s closer the time you separate then wait.  Only you know how your child will react.

Response:

(Different hat on today folks…this is Jamie the psychologist from Canada) Matt, be really clear to your child that nothing he did has caused this, and nothing he does will change it. Or else you may very well find the child bends over backwards to "fix" something he can not fix. Either pole, by good behaviour or by acting out. If the two of you can "handle" living together for this length of time, I would have to say you might want to try counselling. At the very least it will get you both started on a healthy note in your new roles as parents in the future. Be frank with her, sit her down, tell her what she means to you, ask her if she is willing to try and get through "this" together, find out what she feels is wrong or missing in her life and see if you can come to some kind of compromise. http://www.familydivorcemediation.org I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but "amicable divorce" is an extreme rarity. It often starts out okay….the honeymoon phase, then one or both spouses react to the other "getting a new life" and feel bitterness, anger etc. Once again I am babbling to my screen. If you would like to talk via email or phone, I would be happy to. Jamie

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Me and my wife have decided to divorce after the holidays.  We are still living together and as far as our 9 year old son knows everything is fine. My wife will be moving out of state. I will keep him during school year, she will take him for the summer. I am really struggling with how to tell him. Maybe some of you can share your experiences and how they went, or have any advice on how to do it. I would appreciate it. Thanks

Response:

I think Living together after deciding that the marriage is over is teh HARDEST thing to do (Take it from someone TRAPPED in that nightmare) It can send confusing message to the children even after  you have been up front and explained everything to them.

Response:

I think Living together after deciding that the marriage is over is teh HARDEST thing to do (Take it from someone TRAPPED in that nightmare)

It is that hard isn’t it? Dam that ’s what I was afraid of…seems I’ll be putting myself in the same boat :p I suppose we have to go through a little more hell before be get to heaven no? Hey it just dawned on me, my therapist asked me to figure out What I was afraid of? I think that’s it…I just don’t feel like I have the strength to go there I suppose? Peace sharon — "Those who wish to sing, always find a song" Swedish Proverb

Response:

] Me and my wife have decided to divorce after the holidays.  We are ] still living together and as far as our 9 year old son knows ] everything is fine. My wife will be moving out of state. I will keep ] him during school year, she will take him for the summer. I am really ] struggling with how to tell him. Maybe some of you can share your ] experiences and how they went, or have any advice on how to do it. I ] would appreciate it. ] ] Thanks I told my daughter that night, when I picked her up from school. We got home, and had the "talk".  My daughter was 7, at the time, and plenty bright enough to put it all together. I left out the bs, and just reminded her, that she can still see/call mom whenever she wants, and that I wasnt going anywhere without her. Morgan Sarges                                    Phone:  605-357-5741 Eclectic Network Engineer                        Fax:  605-335-1173 Midcontinent Communications

Response:

Me and my wife have decided to divorce after the holidays.  We are still living together and as far as our 9 year old son knows everything is fine. My wife will be moving out of state. I will keep him during school year, she will take him for the summer. I am really struggling with how to tell him. Maybe some of you can share your experiences and how they went, or have any advice on how to do it. I would appreciate it. Thanks

Response:

Matt, I’m so sorry that you and your family are going through this.  It will be incredibly difficult to "hide" the fact of the impending divorce from your son for that long.  My ex and I did the same thing for two months, until the children were almost out of school for the year.  We were aiming for after school got out, but it was just too difficult to deal with and we ended up telling them sooner than planned. In our situation, I consulted with a child counselor as well as read a few books that were geared toward children and divorce.  One of the most important things IMO, is that if at all possible you and your wife should tell your son together. The website for this group is at www.altsupportdivorce.org , and there are several good suggestions for books that you can read to help you and your son get through this as best that is possible.  One of my favorites is the Sandcastles book about divorce for children. Good luck, Cal~

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Me and my wife have decided to divorce after the holidays.  We are still living together and as far as our 9 year old son knows everything is fine. My wife will be moving out of state. I will keep him during school year, she will take him for the summer. I am really struggling with how to tell him. Maybe some of you can share your experiences and how they went, or have any advice on how to do it. I would appreciate it. Thanks

Response:

The sooner the better.  I mean, keeping it secret for 2 weeks might be doable, but not much longer, IMHO (w/o taking a huge toll).   You *all* need the most strength you can to get thru this, and trying to keep this a secret….well, let’s just say the cracks will start to show up, sooner, rather than later.   Is that fair to ANY of you?   To deal with…innuendos?  …sarcastic remarks?  …pretense and cover ups?To have THAT on your plate, too?  To put up a front, when you’re all going thru this hell?    So, my vote is to get it out in the open, and reduce this unncessary stress – you really don’t need *that* pretense behavior now, on top of everything else you’ll have to go through. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Me and my wife have decided to divorce after the holidays.  We are still living together and as far as our 9 year old son knows everything is fine. My wife will be moving out of state. I will keep him during school year, she will take him for the summer. I am really struggling with how to tell him. Maybe some of you can share your experiences and how they went, or have any advice on how to do it. I would appreciate it. Thanks

Response:

Me and my wife have decided to divorce after the holidays.  We are still living together and as far as our 9 year old son knows everything is fine. My wife will be moving out of state. I will keep him during school year, she will take him for the summer. I am really struggling with how to tell him. Maybe some of you can share your experiences and how they went, or have any advice on how to do it. I would appreciate it.

I’m sorry to hear this.  It was difficult telling my kids, who were 11 & almost 15 at the time.  Does your wife have to move so far, or can she change plans and stay closer, for the kids’ sake??  My youngest (now 16) said the only reason he wasn’t more troubled than he was about the divorce and my moving out was that i always stayed very nearby so we could visit anytime we want.

Response:

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