Act Acting » Acting School » The Harsh Step-Father: HELP!!

The Harsh Step-Father: HELP!!

Question:

On 09 Nov 1999 18:10:32 GMT, jenn…@aol.com (Jennaii) wrote: >Mel, >Have you asked SS why he does this? >*I* think hes looking for *any* attention he can get from his Mom.  If he can’t >get praise he’ll take anything he can get.

I agree with you – he’s looking for attention.. Mel >>Anyone care to tell me if that is child abuse? Anyone got any idea >>*why* SK would be pooing his pants deliberately? Negative attention?

————————————————— Melissa Torresan sm…@crosswinds.net —————————————————

Response:

    Is DH aware of his crabbiness?     Is the crabbiness stress related?     I’m hoping he’s already aware of the moodiness.  Then you can have some honest discussion with him about how to deal with the kids while undergoing these moods.  Since he’s in a good phase now, I think this is the time to bring it up     If he is able to acknowledge he has irritable moods, then you may be able to set up a protocol with regards to discipline when he’s irritable. Something like: He feels there’s an discipline situation, child goes to room/ or parents retreat in private, agree on a course of action, present results to child.  In this situation I think it would be preferable that the parents retreat.  I’m fully realizing,  of course, this puts you into the "hot spot" of having to deal with the irritable parent.  Better you than the child.     If he can’t tell when he’s in an irritable mood – then I’d suggest you follow the protocol all the time.   If he knows when he’s irritated or not, then when the kid leaves the milk out he has the option of telling him to come back and put it away.  If he doesn’t know when he’s in a bad mood, then he’ll have to call you to conference each time he wants to yell at someone or issue a time out.     I would also suggest he look for things to let go and that you look for undesirable behaviors that should be modified. Merrie joyojoy <joyo…@primus.com.au> wrote in message

news:oYbW3.124$%g6.4428@nsw.nnrp.telstra.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Merrie wrote in message … > >joyojoy – > >    Maybe you could give me some more examples of situations where things > >need to be dealt with immediately.  From my standpoint – people are not > dogs > >and you often have time to defer a decision about your course of action. > >For instance, time out in the room.  I would make an agreement that kids > get > >sent to their rooms until a parent comes to let them out.  At which point > >child goes to their room – parents have a discussion and make an agreement. > Merrie > I intervene mostly whenever the child is IMO being punished out of anger. DH > tends to have days or periods of crabbyness. Any little thing sets him off > when hes in one of these moods. When hes in a good mood he disciplines more > like me. By the same token DH intervenes when he thinks I am letting one of > the kids get away with something. Again it is usually when he is in a bad > mood. I wouldnt say he is abusive but I would say he is cruel and this is > why I intervene. I guess the kids would survive if I didnt step in but if I > dont do something I feel I am letting them down. In the case of my 12y/o > (DH’s SS) if I dont intervene when I feel I should I have this terrible gut > wrenching sense that Im letting DH take over my resposibility to my son. I > hate to say this but its like Kevins Mum did when she let her DH take her > and her family away from her two oldest sons. I love my DH but I have to > maintain my head when my children are at stake. > DH had been crabby for weeks but snapped out of it about 4 days ago and we > haven’t had one dissagreement since. Its really wierd how things can change > so quickly. Last week we were hardly talking to each other and now we are as > happy as Larry.!!?? > Joyojoy

Response:

Merrie wrote: > Jane, >     I completely agree that a parent cannot stand by and let verbal/physical > abuse continue.  I didn’t get the sense from joyojoy that this was the case > and said I was assuming this wasn’t happening. >     Abuse is a different situation.  I don’t think it should get to the > point where you have to intervene between abusive parent and child.  It’s > possible that you may have to do this *once* – and you separate everyone and > then address it when things calm down. >     To continue to be intervening is enabling.

Well, yes.  You’re right, of course.  I think my DH disciplines so rarely and reasonably that I can’t imagine wanting to jump in except for something I considered abusive. jane

Response:

Merrie wrote in message … >joyojoy – >    Maybe you could give me some more examples of situations where things >need to be dealt with immediately.  From my standpoint – people are not dogs >and you often have time to defer a decision about your course of action. >For instance, time out in the room.  I would make an agreement that kids get >sent to their rooms until a parent comes to let them out.  At which point >child goes to their room – parents have a discussion and make an agreement.

Merrie I intervene mostly whenever the child is IMO being punished out of anger. DH tends to have days or periods of crabbyness. Any little thing sets him off when hes in one of these moods. When hes in a good mood he disciplines more like me. By the same token DH intervenes when he thinks I am letting one of the kids get away with something. Again it is usually when he is in a bad mood. I wouldnt say he is abusive but I would say he is cruel and this is why I intervene. I guess the kids would survive if I didnt step in but if I dont do something I feel I am letting them down. In the case of my 12y/o (DH’s SS) if I dont intervene when I feel I should I have this terrible gut wrenching sense that Im letting DH take over my resposibility to my son. I hate to say this but its like Kevins Mum did when she let her DH take her and her family away from her two oldest sons. I love my DH but I have to maintain my head when my children are at stake. DH had been crabby for weeks but snapped out of it about 4 days ago and we haven’t had one dissagreement since. Its really wierd how things can change so quickly. Last week we were hardly talking to each other and now we are as happy as Larry.!!?? Joyojoy

Response:

Jane,     I completely agree that a parent cannot stand by and let verbal/physical abuse continue.  I didn’t get the sense from joyojoy that this was the case and said I was assuming this wasn’t happening.     Abuse is a different situation.  I don’t think it should get to the point where you have to intervene between abusive parent and child.  It’s possible that you may have to do this *once* – and you separate everyone and then address it when things calm down.     To continue to be intervening is enabling. Merrie jane lawrence <jane…@excite.com> wrote in message

news:382832E9.BC5CBC19@excite.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Merrie wrote: > > Hi joyojoy, > >     Something in your post struck me.  It’s the "sometimes I intervene." I > > think it’s acceptable to say "Hmm, DH you look really pissed off.  You want > > me to take care of this one?"  But given that his response is that he gets > > angry:  then I don’t think you should even do that. > >     It undermines his parental authority.  It also divides you as parents. > > I think it’s very important that the parents make the rules together (and > > try to include deciding on consequences for breaking those rules.)  If you > > find your DH being excessively harsh, you need to address this with him > > privately.  By intervening – you just polarize him into his position, > > standing opposite you and your children. > > Merrie > I don’t know, Merrie. At some point, we’d all intervene.  At > some point, supporting your mate is always secondary to the > children’s well-being. > I imagine we each would intervene at a different point.  The > obvious case would be striking the child, but I’m sure that I > couldn’t stand by if I felt my child were being verbally abused, > either.  Flame away, but the child’s right not to be abused > supersedes the adult’s right to discipline in the home.  I think > it’s really important to teach children as they grow that no one > has a right to abuse them.  You’ve got to make that point > strongly and immediately both to the kid and to the other > parent. > I’m not sure what’s going on, but if it’s that hard for joyojoy > to witness, I figure there’s a good chance she feels DH is > abusing or harming the child with his criticism.  I don’t think > she should back that kind of parenting or authority up. > jane > > joyojoy <joyo…@primus.com.au> wrote in message > > news:QsrU3.158$a15.6763@nsw.nnrp.telstra.net… > > > Wilson and Amber > > > I live in a similar situation. Many times I feel my DH treats my 12y/o son > > > (DH’s SS) too harshly. But I have to add that many times I also feel DH > > > treats our Bio Kids too harshly. DH simply has a very different attitude > > to > > > parenting than me. It is very hard for me to stand by and watch. Sometimes > > I > > > intervene and DH gets very angry about that. This difference in parenting > > > has DH and I angry at each other and if our marriage ever breaks up Im > > sure > > > this would be the reason.  I don’t know what to do about it. A compromise > > > sounds like the answer but it isn’t easy to reach. > > > Joyojoy

Response:

Mel, Have you asked SS why he does this? *I* think hes looking for *any* attention he can get from his Mom.  If he can’t get praise he’ll take anything he can get. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Anyone care to tell me if that is child abuse? Anyone got any idea >*why* SK would be pooing his pants deliberately? Negative attention?

Response:

via email also. Hi Mel, Give the counselor time.  Part of their training is to be tight lipped.  Keep him informed on your "angle" of things.  As you said, he mentioned that he’s still evaluating SK and that things were more complex than he originally thought.  Being the SM, you tend to be a bit more objective than the bio-parents and that can help the counselor a great deal.  I make a habit of keeping my SD’s counselor informed of what’s going on in her life.  (Of course, my SD is bipolar and tends to have a wee bit of a problem with dillusional thinking.)  Your SK is young and doesn’t know how to express certain feelings yet, so your input is invaluable. Verbal abuse can be devastating.  I’m having a problem with it right now in my own home, so much so that I’m going to write about it in a separate post for y’alls advice.  :-) Hang in there, Mel.  My grandfather used to say that anything worthwhile often took awhile.  This is particularly true in psychological matters.  There is no pill or shot which suddenly turns a troubled child into a "perfect" child.  (My sil says her kids are perfect – they get into trouble just the right amount of time. *s*) Anne H. (the other Anne) Life is a glorious joke.  Enjoy the laugh. ("Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.")

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Melissa Torresan wrote: > Jane – I’m not sure if you’ve been reading my posts lately, but this > touches on something that SK told me last weekend. He was bawling as > he told me that BM and her SO call him "Crapadaks" because he poos his > pants. Then he tells me that he sits on the floor, and does a poo in > his pants, and then he goes and tells them. > When SO confronted BM with it, she told him "Stay out of it – the way > I deal with something that is a sore trial in this house is my > business and nothing to do with you" and SO said "Well do you think > calling him names is solving the problem? Because it’s still > happening, isn’t it?" She changed the subject. > Anyone care to tell me if that is child abuse? Anyone got any idea > *why* SK would be pooing his pants deliberately? Negative attention?

I haven’t been reading anyone’s posts lately.  I’ve been gone for a couple of weeks.  Sure, it’s child abuse.  If the kid is deliberately, not accidentally, soiling, then he’s upset.  My first guess would be he’s really angry.  I’m not a shrink, though.  This sounds like a good issue to discuss with his therapist. jane jane

Response:

On Tue, 09 Nov 1999 08:25:59 -0800, jane lawrence <jane…@excite.com> wrote: >> Anyone care to tell me if that is child abuse? Anyone got any idea >> *why* SK would be pooing his pants deliberately? Negative attention? >I haven’t been reading anyone’s posts lately.  I’ve been gone >for a couple of weeks.  Sure, it’s child abuse.  If the kid is >deliberately, not accidentally, soiling, then he’s upset.  My >first guess would be he’s really angry.  I’m not a shrink, >though.  This sounds like a good issue to discuss with his >therapist.

Well, I spoke to SK’s counsellor today.. he’s pretty tight lipped. As with most counsellors, he just kept his mouth shut and let me do the talking. Apparently he has not finished assessing SK yet, and he did say that recent events make it look a bit more serious than he first thought – I think that’s regarding the playing us all off against each other thing. He did not have much to say at all and could not (or would not) discuss why SK would be deliberately pooing his pants.. So that was pretty much a wasted phonecall.. I am no wiser! Mel >jane

————————————————— Melissa Torresan sm…@crosswinds.net —————————————————

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Merrie wrote: > Hi joyojoy, >     Something in your post struck me.  It’s the "sometimes I intervene."  I > think it’s acceptable to say "Hmm, DH you look really pissed off.  You want > me to take care of this one?"  But given that his response is that he gets > angry:  then I don’t think you should even do that. >     It undermines his parental authority.  It also divides you as parents. > I think it’s very important that the parents make the rules together (and > try to include deciding on consequences for breaking those rules.)  If you > find your DH being excessively harsh, you need to address this with him > privately.  By intervening – you just polarize him into his position, > standing opposite you and your children. > Merrie

I don’t know, Merrie. At some point, we’d all intervene.  At some point, supporting your mate is always secondary to the children’s well-being.   I imagine we each would intervene at a different point.  The obvious case would be striking the child, but I’m sure that I couldn’t stand by if I felt my child were being verbally abused, either.  Flame away, but the child’s right not to be abused supersedes the adult’s right to discipline in the home.  I think it’s really important to teach children as they grow that no one has a right to abuse them.  You’ve got to make that point strongly and immediately both to the kid and to the other parent.   I’m not sure what’s going on, but if it’s that hard for joyojoy to witness, I figure there’s a good chance she feels DH is abusing or harming the child with his criticism.  I don’t think she should back that kind of parenting or authority up. jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> joyojoy <joyo…@primus.com.au> wrote in message > news:QsrU3.158$a15.6763@nsw.nnrp.telstra.net… > > Wilson and Amber > > I live in a similar situation. Many times I feel my DH treats my 12y/o son > > (DH’s SS) too harshly. But I have to add that many times I also feel DH > > treats our Bio Kids too harshly. DH simply has a very different attitude > to > > parenting than me. It is very hard for me to stand by and watch. Sometimes > I > > intervene and DH gets very angry about that. This difference in parenting > > has DH and I angry at each other and if our marriage ever breaks up Im > sure > > this would be the reason.  I don’t know what to do about it. A compromise > > sounds like the answer but it isn’t easy to reach. > > Joyojoy

Response:

On Tue, 09 Nov 1999 06:42:49 -0800, jane lawrence <jane…@excite.com> wrote: >I imagine we each would intervene at a different point.  The >obvious case would be striking the child, but I’m sure that I >couldn’t stand by if I felt my child were being verbally abused, >either.  Flame away, but the child’s right not to be abused >supersedes the adult’s right to discipline in the home.  I think >it’s really important to teach children as they grow that no one >has a right to abuse them.  You’ve got to make that point >strongly and immediately both to the kid and to the other >parent.  

Jane – I’m not sure if you’ve been reading my posts lately, but this touches on something that SK told me last weekend. He was bawling as he told me that BM and her SO call him "Crapadaks" because he poos his pants. Then he tells me that he sits on the floor, and does a poo in his pants, and then he goes and tells them. When SO confronted BM with it, she told him "Stay out of it – the way I deal with something that is a sore trial in this house is my business and nothing to do with you" and SO said "Well do you think calling him names is solving the problem? Because it’s still happening, isn’t it?" She changed the subject. Anyone care to tell me if that is child abuse? Anyone got any idea *why* SK would be pooing his pants deliberately? Negative attention? Mel – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I’m not sure what’s going on, but if it’s that hard for joyojoy >to witness, I figure there’s a good chance she feels DH is >abusing or harming the child with his criticism.  I don’t think >she should back that kind of parenting or authority up. >jane >> joyojoy <joyo…@primus.com.au> wrote in message >> news:QsrU3.158$a15.6763@nsw.nnrp.telstra.net… >> > Wilson and Amber >> > I live in a similar situation. Many times I feel my DH treats my 12y/o son >> > (DH’s SS) too harshly. But I have to add that many times I also feel DH >> > treats our Bio Kids too harshly. DH simply has a very different attitude >> to >> > parenting than me. It is very hard for me to stand by and watch. Sometimes >> I >> > intervene and DH gets very angry about that. This difference in parenting >> > has DH and I angry at each other and if our marriage ever breaks up Im >> sure >> > this would be the reason.  I don’t know what to do about it. A compromise >> > sounds like the answer but it isn’t easy to reach. >> > Joyojoy

————————————————— Melissa Torresan sm…@crosswinds.net —————————————————

Response:

joyojoy –     Maybe you could give me some more examples of situations where things need to be dealt with immediately.  From my standpoint – people are not dogs and you often have time to defer a decision about your course of action. For instance, time out in the room.  I would make an agreement that kids get sent to their rooms until a parent comes to let them out.  At which point child goes to their room – parents have a discussion and make an agreement.     BTW – I think the amount of time is a rather arbitrary thing, unless it’s being used as a deterrent for a specific action (like the sibling rivalry thing.)  If it’s being used as a deterrent then the amount of time is already preagreed upon.  If time out is being used as a punishment in response to some spontaneous behavior – Jr made a playdough mess and won’t clean it up – then Jr goes to his room until he’s ready to come out and clean it up.  I don’t use specific times.  If a child’s having an attitude problem – they stay in time out until they really lose the attitude.     For the most part around here – whomever is dealing with the situation first is allowed to do it their way.  If I’m really uncomfortable with something DH has done – I’ll talk to him about it later.  But that’s rare. Even if I disagree with his decision – I usually let it play out.     I’m making assumptions here that your DH is not actually downright verbally or emotionally abusive.  If it’s just a matter of him being a rather strict disciplinarian – what harm do you think will come to the kids or their relationship with him if he simply carries out his style of discipline? Merrie joyojoy <joyo…@primus.com.au> wrote in message

news:AB6V3.125$du5.5299@nsw.nnrp.telstra.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> You are so right Merrie! > I am intervening and letting the kids know I disagree with DH. He does the > same with me. This is one of our problems which we are trying to fix. We > need to appear to the kids to be one and the same, and we must appear to be > in agreeance. We sometimes pull it off but sometimes not. The trouble is we > cannot have rules for every little thing and sometimes a little thing just > pops up and we both want to deal with it in our own individual way. In order > to apear united I would have to give in every time and allow DH to deal with > everything his way, b/c he gets far too angry to allow me to deal with > things my way. There must be some way to compromise? How about we take > turns? "excuse me dear, it’s my turn so let me deal with it" do you think > this would work? Or how about each time we say "right you want the kid sent > to his room for 20mins and I think he should not be punished at all so lets > send him to his room for 10 mins" This is the sort af answer I am looking > for – there must be some form of compromise that would see DH and I meeting > half way. > Joyojoy > Merrie wrote in message … > >    It undermines his parental authority.  It also divides you as parents. > >I think it’s very important that the parents make the rules together (and > >try to include deciding on consequences for breaking those rules.)  If you > >find your DH being excessively harsh, you need to address this with him > >privately.  By intervening – you just polarize him into his position, > >standing opposite you and your children.

Response:

You are so right Merrie! I am intervening and letting the kids know I disagree with DH. He does the same with me. This is one of our problems which we are trying to fix. We need to appear to the kids to be one and the same, and we must appear to be in agreeance. We sometimes pull it off but sometimes not. The trouble is we cannot have rules for every little thing and sometimes a little thing just pops up and we both want to deal with it in our own individual way. In order to apear united I would have to give in every time and allow DH to deal with everything his way, b/c he gets far too angry to allow me to deal with things my way. There must be some way to compromise? How about we take turns? "excuse me dear, it’s my turn so let me deal with it" do you think this would work? Or how about each time we say "right you want the kid sent to his room for 20mins and I think he should not be punished at all so lets send him to his room for 10 mins" This is the sort af answer I am looking for – there must be some form of compromise that would see DH and I meeting half way. Joyojoy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Merrie wrote in message … >    It undermines his parental authority.  It also divides you as parents. >I think it’s very important that the parents make the rules together (and >try to include deciding on consequences for breaking those rules.)  If you >find your DH being excessively harsh, you need to address this with him >privately.  By intervening – you just polarize him into his position, >standing opposite you and your children.

Response:

Wilson and Amber I live in a similar situation. Many times I feel my DH treats my 12y/o son (DH’s SS) too harshly. But I have to add that many times I also feel DH treats our Bio Kids too harshly. DH simply has a very different attitude to parenting than me. It is very hard for me to stand by and watch. Sometimes I intervene and DH gets very angry about that. This difference in parenting has DH and I angry at each other and if our marriage ever breaks up Im sure this would be the reason.  I don’t know what to do about it. A compromise sounds like the answer but it isn’t easy to reach. Joyojoy

Response:

Hi joyojoy,     Something in your post struck me.  It’s the "sometimes I intervene."  I think it’s acceptable to say "Hmm, DH you look really pissed off.  You want me to take care of this one?"  But given that his response is that he gets angry:  then I don’t think you should even do that.     It undermines his parental authority.  It also divides you as parents. I think it’s very important that the parents make the rules together (and try to include deciding on consequences for breaking those rules.)  If you find your DH being excessively harsh, you need to address this with him privately.  By intervening – you just polarize him into his position, standing opposite you and your children. Merrie joyojoy <joyo…@primus.com.au> wrote in message

news:QsrU3.158$a15.6763@nsw.nnrp.telstra.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Wilson and Amber > I live in a similar situation. Many times I feel my DH treats my 12y/o son > (DH’s SS) too harshly. But I have to add that many times I also feel DH > treats our Bio Kids too harshly. DH simply has a very different attitude to > parenting than me. It is very hard for me to stand by and watch. Sometimes I > intervene and DH gets very angry about that. This difference in parenting > has DH and I angry at each other and if our marriage ever breaks up Im sure > this would be the reason.  I don’t know what to do about it. A compromise > sounds like the answer but it isn’t easy to reach. > Joyojoy

Response:

Just some random thoughts from the childless one. :) Re: Step-father discipline: 1) It sounds like your DH doesn’t have any kids except your kids (his step-kids) – so maybe he’s not treating your son this way because it’s his step-son – this could be the way he would treat his bio-kids too.  This may be just the kind of parent he is. 2) I find myself sometimes correcting every little thing my SD does because somewhere in the back of my mind is the idea that this will help her to change her behavior – that I am truly doing this for her own good. :)  It’s like I think if I let her slide once I think I won’t be sending a consistent message.  (Most of the time I do pretty good at thinking first before re-acting though :)  ) 3) Maybe you & DH should talk about specifics.  Maybe he gets on your son about things he (DH) thinks you are too lenient about & is trying to make up for your leniency.  Maybe you can reach a compromise about things – if your son does something he (DH) really, really thinks should be a no-no, you two could agree on appropriate discipline & then see that *you* also enforce it. For here, I’m just thinking maybe your DH thinks that you don’t feel he (DH) has *any* valid points about his discipline of your son – & so he’s just harsh across the board. Basically, I’m just thinking if you two talk about specifics you might come to a meeting of the minds on a few issues.  When these things settle out, then you return to discuss other new specifics. Re: Step-father jealous? I don’t find it unusual that your husband would want to spend some time alone with you when he comes home from an especially long day.  He needs time to unwind & re-connect with his family starting with his wife.  Almost the first thing my SO & I ask each other each time we talk on the phone or see each other is "How was your day?" or "Wha’s happening?".  That’s our way of re-connecting & showing interest in each other.  It’s very important to me & someday, should we marry, it will still the first words out of my mouth when he walks in the door at the end of the day.  I’m afraid on this one I’d say send your son out of room a few minutes.  By not doing this, you are telling your husband he’s not important enough to warrant a few minutes of your time alone. Take care of yourselves, Melody Amber <AMe…@AOL.COM> wrote in message

news:9GkU3.50340$7I4.997310@news5.giganews.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I have the same problem.  I have been divorced 12 years, and my son is 13 > years.  His step-father is particularly harsh with him. > When we go to other parties where there are lots of kids, he sees that his > stepson is just like the rest of the kids.  But when he is home with him he > is really harsh with him.  I know that my husband loves his stepson, but > he’s really harsh with him.  Or am I being too lenient?  I don’t think that > I am.  I ground him when he’s bad and I don’t tolerate for him to speak > disrespectfully to adults.  Other adults that have had him around say he’s a > wonderful kid.  I think my son’s pretty respectful of all adults and is a > very good kid.  He has some trouble in school because he’s ADHD, but nothing > serious.  My husband seems to discipline children like he’s in the military > or something. > I also get the feeling that my husband is JEALOUS of my son.  Every time > that he comes home late from work and my son is up in my room, he’s anxious > to put him down to his room and not include him in family associations.  I > dearly love my son and hope this is only a phase… > They tease each other all the time.  But my husband is the OLDER of the two, > so I would expect that he would quit his teasing when my son gets upset. > This man is a good man.  I’m not lying about that.  He truly does love my > son.. but cannot deal w/him like a real Father would.  I get the feeling > that he thinks that kids should be relegated to a shelf on the wall…. He > can’t enter the REAL world of child rearing.  My husband wants to have > children with me (yeah.. at MY AGE) but I am just NOT going to do it because > he is so inflexible and so .. well CRABBY… that I think that any child > raised with HIM would be totally terrorized with laws and regulations the > child would be MISERABLE! > TYounger <bo…@mindspring.com> wrote in message > news:MPG.12899152d64d95c4989d0d@news.mindspring.com… > > Hello Wilson, > > We don’t have an FAQ that deals with specific issues, > > only some basic information about usenet. > > Why do’t you invite your son to join our newsgroup?  He > > can get insight from other step-parent, and we hae some > > bio-parents too.  Kevin (a bio-dad that posts here) has > > some invaluable information from the point of view of a > > great father. > > If your son doesn’t know how to deal with situations, or > > needs to know if his reactions are normal, most of us > > here are more than happy to put in our opinions. > > Tamara > > > Wilson3142 said… > > > Two years ago my son, A of 35, married a girl, B of 32, who already had > a > > > son, C of 4. > > > C had been running wild since birth, mostly " in the care of " B’s > father > > > (who is a couch potato) while B worked. > > > A and B, happily married now for 2 years have a son of their own, D, > > > who is the apple of A’s eyes ! > > > All four live together; boy #1 (C) is in school; > > > A and B have jobs with different hours so one is always home to > > > care for C and D. > > > Problem is the relationship between A and C. > > > A is always angry at the undisciplined behaviour of his step-son > > > and is very harsh with him. > > > His Army background is not conducive to the loving care needed to > > > slowly persuade his step-son to act more civilized, after having been > > > left to run wild all his life. > > > A is totally unaware that a large part of his anger is due to being > > > a step-father to C, as spelled out in countless folk tales. > > > A’s parents (my wife and I) and B’s parents are most disturbed to see > A’s > > > harshness when his step-son (often) steps out of line. > > > Is there, perhaps, a FAQ file on this NG, or a Web site that would open > > > A’s eyes to the situation he is in?  The natural "Harsh Step-Father" > feelings > > > that he has, and how to cope with them? > > > Thank you for any help you can give. > > > Wilson Pye

Response:

I have the same problem.  I have been divorced 12 years, and my son is 13 years.  His step-father is particularly harsh with him. When we go to other parties where there are lots of kids, he sees that his stepson is just like the rest of the kids.  But when he is home with him he is really harsh with him.  I know that my husband loves his stepson, but he’s really harsh with him.  Or am I being too lenient?  I don’t think that I am.  I ground him when he’s bad and I don’t tolerate for him to speak disrespectfully to adults.  Other adults that have had him around say he’s a wonderful kid.  I think my son’s pretty respectful of all adults and is a very good kid.  He has some trouble in school because he’s ADHD, but nothing serious.  My husband seems to discipline children like he’s in the military or something. I also get the feeling that my husband is JEALOUS of my son.  Every time that he comes home late from work and my son is up in my room, he’s anxious to put him down to his room and not include him in family associations.  I dearly love my son and hope this is only a phase… They tease each other all the time.  But my husband is the OLDER of the two, so I would expect that he would quit his teasing when my son gets upset. This man is a good man.  I’m not lying about that.  He truly does love my son.. but cannot deal w/him like a real Father would.  I get the feeling that he thinks that kids should be relegated to a shelf on the wall…. He can’t enter the REAL world of child rearing.  My husband wants to have children with me (yeah.. at MY AGE) but I am just NOT going to do it because he is so inflexible and so .. well CRABBY… that I think that any child raised with HIM would be totally terrorized with laws and regulations the child would be MISERABLE! TYounger <bo…@mindspring.com> wrote in message

news:MPG.12899152d64d95c4989d0d@news.mindspring.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hello Wilson, > We don’t have an FAQ that deals with specific issues, > only some basic information about usenet. > Why do’t you invite your son to join our newsgroup?  He > can get insight from other step-parent, and we hae some > bio-parents too.  Kevin (a bio-dad that posts here) has > some invaluable information from the point of view of a > great father. > If your son doesn’t know how to deal with situations, or > needs to know if his reactions are normal, most of us > here are more than happy to put in our opinions. > Tamara > > Wilson3142 said… > > Two years ago my son, A of 35, married a girl, B of 32, who already had a > > son, C of 4. > > C had been running wild since birth, mostly " in the care of " B’s father > > (who is a couch potato) while B worked. > > A and B, happily married now for 2 years have a son of their own, D, > > who is the apple of A’s eyes ! > > All four live together; boy #1 (C) is in school; > > A and B have jobs with different hours so one is always home to > > care for C and D. > > Problem is the relationship between A and C. > > A is always angry at the undisciplined behaviour of his step-son > > and is very harsh with him. > > His Army background is not conducive to the loving care needed to > > slowly persuade his step-son to act more civilized, after having been > > left to run wild all his life. > > A is totally unaware that a large part of his anger is due to being > > a step-father to C, as spelled out in countless folk tales. > > A’s parents (my wife and I) and B’s parents are most disturbed to see A’s > > harshness when his step-son (often) steps out of line. > > Is there, perhaps, a FAQ file on this NG, or a Web site that would open > > A’s eyes to the situation he is in?  The natural "Harsh Step-Father" feelings > > that he has, and how to cope with them? > > Thank you for any help you can give. > > Wilson Pye

Response:

   Hello Wilson,     We’re not that together, and don’t have that information for you.     I recommend you have a Dad to Son talk about parenting.  Your son is past the age where his father starts getting smarter.  (You know:  the older I get – the smarter my Dad gets.)     There might be some good stepfather books – but I don’t know of any… Sorry I can’t be of more help. anyone else? Merrie Wilson3142 <wilson3…@aol.com> wrote in message

news:19991102231303.01691.00000701@ng-cg1.aol.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Two years ago my son, A of 35, married a girl, B of 32, who already had a > son, C of 4. > C had been running wild since birth, mostly " in the care of " B’s father > (who is a couch potato) while B worked. > A and B, happily married now for 2 years have a son of their own, D, > who is the apple of A’s eyes ! > All four live together; boy #1 (C) is in school; > A and B have jobs with different hours so one is always home to > care for C and D. > Problem is the relationship between A and C. > A is always angry at the undisciplined behaviour of his step-son > and is very harsh with him. > His Army background is not conducive to the loving care needed to > slowly persuade his step-son to act more civilized, after having been > left to run wild all his life. > A is totally unaware that a large part of his anger is due to being > a step-father to C, as spelled out in countless folk tales. > A’s parents (my wife and I) and B’s parents are most disturbed to see A’s > harshness when his step-son (often) steps out of line. > Is there, perhaps, a FAQ file on this NG, or a Web site that would open > A’s eyes to the situation he is in?  The natural "Harsh Step-Father" feelings > that he has, and how to cope with them? > Thank you for any help you can give. > Wilson Pye

Response:

Hello Wilson, We don’t have an FAQ that deals with specific issues, only some basic information about usenet.   Why do’t you invite your son to join our newsgroup?  He can get insight from other step-parent, and we hae some bio-parents too.  Kevin (a bio-dad that posts here) has some invaluable information from the point of view of a great father.   If your son doesn’t know how to deal with situations, or needs to know if his reactions are normal, most of us here are more than happy to put in our opinions. Tamara – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Wilson3142 said… > Two years ago my son, A of 35, married a girl, B of 32, who already had a > son, C of 4. > C had been running wild since birth, mostly " in the care of " B’s father > (who is a couch potato) while B worked. > A and B, happily married now for 2 years have a son of their own, D, > who is the apple of A’s eyes ! > All four live together; boy #1 (C) is in school; > A and B have jobs with different hours so one is always home to > care for C and D. > Problem is the relationship between A and C. > A is always angry at the undisciplined behaviour of his step-son > and is very harsh with him. > His Army background is not conducive to the loving care needed to > slowly persuade his step-son to act more civilized, after having been > left to run wild all his life. > A is totally unaware that a large part of his anger is due to being > a step-father to C, as spelled out in countless folk tales. > A’s parents (my wife and I) and B’s parents are most disturbed to see A’s > harshness when his step-son (often) steps out of line. > Is there, perhaps, a FAQ file on this NG, or a Web site that would open > A’s eyes to the situation he is in?  The natural "Harsh Step-Father"  feelings > that he has, and how to cope with them? > Thank you for any help you can give. > Wilson Pye

Response:

Two years ago my son, A of 35, married a girl, B of 32, who already had a son, C of 4. C had been running wild since birth, mostly " in the care of " B’s father (who is a couch potato) while B worked. A and B, happily married now for 2 years have a son of their own, D, who is the apple of A’s eyes ! All four live together; boy #1 (C) is in school; A and B have jobs with different hours so one is always home to care for C and D. Problem is the relationship between A and C. A is always angry at the undisciplined behaviour of his step-son and is very harsh with him. His Army background is not conducive to the loving care needed to slowly persuade his step-son to act more civilized, after having been left to run wild all his life. A is totally unaware that a large part of his anger is due to being a step-father to C, as spelled out in countless folk tales. A’s parents (my wife and I) and B’s parents are most disturbed to see A’s harshness when his step-son (often) steps out of line. Is there, perhaps, a FAQ file on this NG, or a Web site that would open A’s eyes to the situation he is in?  The natural "Harsh Step-Father"  feelings that he has, and how to cope with them? Thank you for any help you can give. Wilson Pye

Response:

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