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Wife left me for a Woman

Question:

[snip] Personally, I find the (low probability) idea of my wife ending up sharing my ex-house with another woman a lot easier to stomach. Maybe it is the low probability aspect, but I think there is something about the fact that it would be a woman and not another man.

Someone I knew had a wife who left him for another woman. Actually, in some ways, it was *more* difficult for him in that many of their friends actually sympathized and supported her for making the difficult decision to be honest about her sexual orientation. As he said, the end result was that he was in the same pain over the unexpected loss of his marriage as he would have been had she left him for another man — except without the sympathy most people get from their friends in this situation. Perhaps this isn’t true in every situation, but I think in general, when someone is unfaithful, it says more about the lack within them than any lack in you (the partner who’s been cheated on). Not taking another’s actions personally — and I mean by that, not seeing yourself as the cause of their actions — can be helpful in dealing with the pain. It’s really the same principle as someone’s sexual orientation, when you think about it — it’s about who *they* are, not who you are. Barb

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – [snip] Personally, I find the (low probability) idea of my wife ending up sharing my ex-house with another woman a lot easier to stomach. Maybe it is the low probability aspect, but I think there is something about the fact that it would be a woman and not another man. Someone I knew had a wife who left him for another woman. Actually, in some ways, it was *more* difficult for him in that many of their friends actually sympathized and supported her for making the difficult decision to be honest about her sexual orientation. As he said, the end result was that he was in the same pain over the unexpected loss of his marriage as he would have been had she left him for another man — except without the sympathy most people get from their friends in this situation.

Yes, losing friendships is another, somewhat independent, dimension of all this pain at separation. Perhaps this isn’t true in every situation, but I think in general, when someone is unfaithful, it says more about the lack within them than any lack in you (the partner who’s been cheated on). Not taking another’s actions personally — and I mean by that, not seeing yourself as the cause of their actions — can be helpful in dealing with the pain. It’s really the same principle as someone’s sexual orientation, when you think about it — it’s about who *they* are, not who you are.

This makes sense. I even understand it. The problem is that feeling and thinking are somewhat disconnected. For me, one feels much worse than the other. I’m sure the feelings will eventually catch up. It just takes time, right? Thanks, — Andy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Barb

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Maybe that explains her affinity for the cross-dresser. pamela

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My wife left me for a man, but she had at least three, possibly four women that were lesbians and I now wonder if she is bi-sexual as I look back on things. At the time I never guessed and you wouldn’t either if you met my stbx. She didn’t really enjoy sex with a man much.One of her girlfriends was a real butch looking woman, I even told my stbx that she looked like a man and "are you sure she likes men?". Hi All, Has anyone ever been married to a lesbian without knowing it? I just got divorced from someone whom I suspected, but never would believe, was a lesbian. She is now living with her "partner". Quite a blow. Thanks for sharing any similar stories!

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Well, I suspected after she starting acting as if she was having an affair after she started working with a new coach at the school where she teaches/coaches. She was always not as feminine as other women, but I just thought that there was a little tomboy in her. After all, she married me, we had sex (though not too frequently), and she proclaimed to love me. It was not until our divorce was final, however, that I came across correspondence between my ex and her lover. They talked about hugging and kissing each other, and "spooning". I had never even heard of that term before. Oh well, I’ve learned a lot from this first marriage. I can spot a lesbian a mile away now.

These new terms these kids come up with. I had to look up ‘teabagging’ a few months back. What is ’spooning’? Brad

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Seems funny to me when guys say that. If she left you for a man how would you have fared competing? Once a person leaves they generally leave. Would you really want to compete against anyone for that?

There is the pain of being left and dealing with a void in your being. There is also the pain of being evaluated and found lacking. If she leaves for another man, it is *very* hard to not interpret that as an indication that something about your essence as a man is lacking. If she leaves for another woman, the idea that it is really a matter of her taste rather than a comment on you is a *lot* easier to accept. Personally, I find the (low probability) idea of my wife ending up sharing my ex-house with another woman a lot easier to stomach. Maybe it is the low probability aspect, but I think there is something about the fact that it would be a woman and not another man. — Andy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Pamela Very true. According to her, it was also the emotional connection to another woman that she couldn’t have with a guy. I can’t compete with that either. Anyway, I’m not sure why she married me in the first place. My counselor said that she might have been trying to prove to herself that she wasn’t gay. In that respect, one could feel sorry for the self-torture she must be going through emotionally. I don’t feel too sorry for her now , but perhaps one day I will forgive her and feel sorry for her. | | Hi All, | | | | Has anyone ever been married to a lesbian without knowing it? I | | just got divorced from someone whom I suspected, but never would | | believe, was a lesbian. She is now living with her "partner". Quite | | a blow. Thanks for sharing any similar stories! No similar story, but…..if your spouse leaves for another, does it make a difference if it’s for a man, a woman, a basketball team, or a Volkswagen? Something that was isn’t. Or, something that people thought was, wasn’t. Some people will manage to make themselves and their partners unhappy, and go from partner to partner doing it. The difference is as described by a male friend of mine, who had the same experience. He said, "I could compete with another man, but, in this case, I have the wrong equipment". It is a tragedy. Best, Bob Robert A. Fink, M.D., FACS, P. C. 2500 Milvia Street Suite 222 Berkeley, California 94704-2636 USA Telephone: 510-849-2555 FAX: 510-849-2557 <http://www.rafink.com "Ex Tristitia Virtus" NOTE: The above message is not to be considered as "medical advice". Medical advice can be given only after a "hands-on" examination of the patient by a physician.

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Very true. According to her, it was also the emotional connection to another woman that she couldn’t have with a guy. I can’t compete with that either. Anyway, I’m not sure why she married me in the first place. My counselor said that she might have been trying to prove to herself that she wasn’t gay. In that respect, one could feel sorry for the self-torture she must be going through emotionally. I don’t feel too sorry for her now , but perhaps one day I will forgive her and feel sorry for her. | | Hi All, | | | | Has anyone ever been married to a lesbian without knowing it? I | | just got divorced from someone whom I suspected, but never would | | believe, was a lesbian. She is now living with her "partner". Quite | | a blow. Thanks for sharing any similar stories! No similar story, but…..if your spouse leaves for another, does it make a difference if it’s for a man, a woman, a basketball team, or a Volkswagen? Something that was isn’t. Or, something that people thought was, wasn’t. Some people will manage to make themselves and their partners unhappy, and go from partner to partner doing it. The difference is as described by a male friend of mine, who had the same experience. He said, "I could compete with another man, but, in this case, I have the wrong equipment". It is a tragedy. Best, Bob Robert A. Fink, M.D., FACS, P. C. 2500 Milvia Street Suite 222 Berkeley, California 94704-2636 USA Telephone: 510-849-2555 FAX: 510-849-2557 <http://www.rafink.com "Ex Tristitia Virtus" NOTE: The above message is not to be considered as "medical advice". Medical advice can be given only after a "hands-on" examination of the patient by a physician.

Response:

Hi All, Has anyone ever been married to a lesbian without knowing it? I just got divorced from someone whom I suspected, but never would believe, was a lesbian. She is now living with her "partner". Quite a blow. Thanks for sharing any similar stories!

Response:

internet.com says… Has anyone ever been married to a lesbian without knowing it? I just got divorced from someone whom I suspected, but never would believe, was a lesbian. She is now living with her "partner". Quite a blow. Thanks for sharing any similar stories!

Yup, that’s my story too. Got the t-shirt… Well, I never suspected it, she just decided on it while I was out defending our country. — Chris http://www.choxnpinz.com

Response:

My uncle had that unfortunate experience. I still believe he has issues with it and it has been more then 20 years. He has remarried, but in the old days he was supportive of all alternative lifestyles, of course he has changed his mind since that. <sigh His new wife has even converted him into a Jehova Witness disciple and that conversion has had a direct impact on family gatherings. In short, we haven’t had any since the conversion. They used to be a yearly experience at Thanksgiving. Regards, Gunn

Response:

| | Hi All, | | | | Has anyone ever been married to a lesbian without knowing it? I | | just got divorced from someone whom I suspected, but never would | | believe, was a lesbian. She is now living with her "partner". Quite | | a blow. Thanks for sharing any similar stories! No similar story, but…..if your spouse leaves for another, does it make a difference if it’s for a man, a woman, a basketball team, or a Volkswagen? Something that was isn’t. Or, something that people thought was, wasn’t. Some people will manage to make themselves and their partners unhappy, and go from partner to partner doing it.

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I had a girlfriend who had sex with a married woman. She was seduced by her while watching tv when her husband was out of town.

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Exray said… | | Hi All, | | | | Has anyone ever been married to a lesbian without knowing it? I | | just got divorced from someone whom I suspected, but never would | | believe, was a lesbian. She is now living with her "partner". Quite | | a blow. Thanks for sharing any similar stories! No similar story, but…..if your spouse leaves for another, does it make a difference if it’s for a man, a woman, a basketball team, or a Volkswagen?

Well, maybe. Who knows what I would actually think if it happened to me, but I would guess that it wouldn’t be quite as ego-shattering if your wife ran off with another a woman. Seems like at least you’d realize that there was nothing you could have done. I may be way off base since I know not of what I speak. Casey

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Me, me, me! Actually, it turned out to be GREAT! First of all, a lot of guys here cringe at the idea of their exes sleeping with another man. Even if the guys dumped their wives, there is just SOMETHING about the ex old lady doing the horizontal bop with another GUY that rubs these fellows the wrong way. That hot dog just don’t seem right with that bun. I DONT HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THAT! Also, a lot of divorced dads are terrified that the ex old lady will hook up with some fellow who will just charm the kids to death, taking them places, buying them presents, and (UGH!) even asking to be called "Dad". Or even if they don’t asked to be called dad – there is COMPETITION FOR THE FATHER ROLE. With 2 mommies…. that’s not a problem! I say: Count your lucky stars, brother! Best – Fido

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My wife left me for a man, but she had at least three, possibly four women that were lesbians and I now wonder if she is bi-sexual as I look back on things. At the time I never guessed and you wouldn’t either if you met my stbx. She didn’t really enjoy sex with a man much.One of her girlfriends was a real butch looking woman, I even told my stbx that she looked like a man and "are you sure she likes men?".

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi All, Has anyone ever been married to a lesbian without knowing it? I just got divorced from someone whom I suspected, but never would believe, was a lesbian. She is now living with her "partner". Quite a blow. Thanks for sharing any similar stories!

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I lived with a man for 13 years. Turns out he liked men. Yeah, so here I sit on the computer trying to find somebody who understands. Feel like I am going out of my friggin mind sometimes.

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Just three words…ex number two.

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Did we marry the same woman? Sad part is that it increases the likelihood of her cheating by 50%. How do you compete with both sexes at the same time? Personally, I’m over it. I have two other exs that have caused me way more grief to worry about that one.

Response:

My wife left me for a donkey.

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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – | | Hi All, | | | | Has anyone ever been married to a lesbian without knowing it? I | | just got divorced from someone whom I suspected, but never would | | believe, was a lesbian. She is now living with her "partner". Quite | | a blow. Thanks for sharing any similar stories! No similar story, but…..if your spouse leaves for another, does it make a difference if it’s for a man, a woman, a basketball team, or a Volkswagen? Something that was isn’t. Or, something that people thought was, wasn’t. Some people will manage to make themselves and their partners unhappy, and go from partner to partner doing it.

The difference is as described by a male friend of mine, who had the same experience. He said, "I could compete with another man, but, in this case, I have the wrong equipment". It is a tragedy. Best, Bob Robert A. Fink, M.D., FACS, P. C. 2500 Milvia Street Suite 222 Berkeley, California 94704-2636 USA Telephone: 510-849-2555 FAX: 510-849-2557 <http://www.rafink.com "Ex Tristitia Virtus" NOTE: The above message is not to be considered as "medical advice". Medical advice can be given only after a "hands-on" examination of the patient by a physician.

Response:

Yep, my ex left me for another woman. Actually, I have less issues than if she had left me for another man. I realized fairly quickly that I didn’t have what she wanted.

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Response:

Very true. According to her, it was also the emotional connection to another woman that she couldn’t have with a guy. I can’t compete with that either. Anyway, I’m not sure why she married me in the first place. My counselor said that she might have been trying to prove to herself that she wasn’t gay. In that respect, one could feel sorry for the self-torture she must be going through emotionally. I don’t feel too sorry for her now , but perhaps one day I will forgive her and feel sorry for her. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – | | Hi All, | | | | Has anyone ever been married to a lesbian without knowing it? I | | just got divorced from someone whom I suspected, but never would | | believe, was a lesbian. She is now living with her "partner". Quite | | a blow. Thanks for sharing any similar stories! No similar story, but…..if your spouse leaves for another, does it make a difference if it’s for a man, a woman, a basketball team, or a Volkswagen? Something that was isn’t. Or, something that people thought was, wasn’t. Some people will manage to make themselves and their partners unhappy, and go from partner to partner doing it. The difference is as described by a male friend of mine, who had the same experience. He said, "I could compete with another man, but, in this case, I have the wrong equipment". It is a tragedy. Best, Bob Robert A. Fink, M.D., FACS, P. C. 2500 Milvia Street Suite 222 Berkeley, California 94704-2636 USA Telephone: 510-849-2555 FAX: 510-849-2557 <http://www.rafink.com "Ex Tristitia Virtus" NOTE: The above message is not to be considered as "medical advice". Medical advice can be given only after a "hands-on" examination of the patient by a physician.

Response:

An unfortunate & not-uncommon example of bad to worse, from the frying pan into the fire. Some who may be deceived as to their spouse’s primary emotional & spiritual makeup, may also get deceived by cultic movements as well in a reactionary and equally-erroneous fashion which is no less perverse, only outwardly different in style. And as your post points out, both cause further division & brokenness. Your belief that he "still has issues with it" is likely correct – an unhealed spirit does not "get better with time." Opposite kinds of brokenness often attract one another for a time in a symbiotic fashion, until one or both halves no longer feel they benefit from the symbiosis & trash it. Perhaps, the best you may hope for is that your uncle may eventually ditch the JW’s just as his wife ditched him, and come to see the light.

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My uncle had that unfortunate experience. I still believe he has issues with it and it has been more then 20 years. He has remarried, but in the old days he was supportive of all alternative lifestyles, of course he has changed his mind since that. <sigh His new wife has even converted him into a Jehova Witness disciple and that conversion has had a direct impact on family gatherings. In short, we haven’t had any since the conversion. They used to be a yearly experience at Thanksgiving. An unfortunate & not-uncommon example of bad to worse, from the frying pan into the fire. Some who may be deceived as to their spouse’s primary emotional & spiritual makeup, may also get deceived by cultic movements as well in a reactionary and equally-erroneous fashion which is no less perverse, only outwardly different in style. And as your post points out, both cause further division & brokenness. Your belief that he "still has issues with it" is likely correct – an unhealed spirit does not "get better with time." Opposite kinds of brokenness often attract one another for a time in a symbiotic fashion, until one or both halves no longer feel they benefit from the symbiosis & trash it. Perhaps, the best you may hope for is that your uncle may eventually ditch the JW’s just as his wife ditched him, and come to see the light.

Unfortunately, he is too far gone and in poor health. A lot of people turn to religion for comfort when they in poor health. Regards, Gunn

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