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awful

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SPOILERED for feeling bad & su*c*dal junk 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 G*d i feel awful why do i feel so awful i just feel so absolutely awful i feel like everything i do is dirt i went downtown with family today and going up the super-high series of escalators at marshall fields looked down and had a very strong urge to throw myself off, shivered and hung onto the railing & hoped that nobody noticed specially since my grandma was there and Frank won’t hurt me now because i feel sh*tty enough for him and i don’t have the guts to hurt myself it doesn’t help nothing does when you got to be alive mom was staring at me the whole time ’cause i went into the hospital & she says well guess you need help me with bandaids all over my hands and them hurting like h*ll & acting like it’s all my weakness d*mmit i tried so hard and it never worked and it still isn’t working yet i’m still here & they’re still here and d*mmit i’m still tired & everyone KNOWS now sitting feeling sorry for me, the sick one & strange as it may sound i don’t like it in the car mom and dad started yelling and someone little came out and said in a little voice please stop yelling and they stopped hallelujah i guess ’cause they were afraid i was going to dig my eyeballs out right there in the car or something & when we got out dad turns to me & asks "were you scared" and i say yes and he engulfs me in a hug and tells me it’s all right but it ISN’T all right his poor fragile daughter the girl who couldn’t cope the family sicko the twisted one who hurts herself and checks herself into the nuthouse and then has to go towntown with family and smile and act like everything’s swell i was a zombie the whole time staring glassy-eyed at the windows d*mmit i should have thrown myself off the d*mn escalator all the way down it’d be over now d*mmit d*mmit d*mmit i want to throw up i want to d*e they want to talk to me tomorrow about my "illness", oh yeah f*cking right what’s there to say i want it all to go away why can’t it go away i HATE this i hate me i wish i could just d*e Bugs — -o- OurPlace: Resources & Interactive Support for:     -o- Autism, Aspergers and Related Conditions     -o- Dissociative conditions … and …     -o- Trauma Survival (Abuse and Non-Abuse)     -o- And For Fun and Relaxation….           * Activities * Games * Online Zoo * Recipies * Online Books HTTP://Ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/Arael_Et_Al/homepage.htm

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and what am i so upset about now anyway poor little middleclass chick swathed romantically in angst BS g*d i HATE HATE HATE HATE lousy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – SPOILERED for feeling bad & su*c*dal junk 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 G*d i feel awful why do i feel so awful i just feel so absolutely awful i feel like everything i do is dirt i went downtown with family today and going up the super-high series of escalators at marshall fields looked down and had a very strong urge to throw myself off, shivered and hung onto the railing & hoped that nobody noticed specially since my grandma was there and Frank won’t hurt me now because i feel sh*tty enough for him and i don’t have the guts to hurt myself it doesn’t help nothing does when you got to be alive mom was staring at me the whole time ’cause i went into the hospital & she says well guess you need help me with bandaids all over my hands and them hurting like h*ll & acting like it’s all my weakness d*mmit i tried so hard and it never worked and it still isn’t working yet i’m still here & they’re still here and d*mmit i’m still tired & everyone KNOWS now sitting feeling sorry for me, the sick one & strange as it may sound i don’t like it in the car mom and dad started yelling and someone little came out and said in a little voice please stop yelling and they stopped hallelujah i guess ’cause they were afraid i was going to dig my eyeballs out right there in the car or something & when we got out dad turns to me & asks "were you scared" and i say yes and he engulfs me in a hug and tells me it’s all right but it ISN’T all right his poor fragile daughter the girl who couldn’t cope the family sicko the twisted one who hurts herself and checks herself into the nuthouse and then has to go towntown with family and smile and act like everything’s swell i was a zombie the whole time staring glassy-eyed at the windows d*mmit i should have thrown myself off the d*mn escalator all the way down it’d be over now d*mmit d*mmit d*mmit i want to throw up i want to d*e they want to talk to me tomorrow about my "illness", oh yeah f*cking right what’s there to say i want it all to go away why can’t it go away i HATE this i hate me i wish i could just d*e Bugs — -o- OurPlace: Resources & Interactive Support for:    -o- Autism, Aspergers and Related Conditions    -o- Dissociative conditions … and …    -o- Trauma Survival (Abuse and Non-Abuse)    -o- And For Fun and Relaxation….          * Activities * Games * Online Zoo * Recipies * Online Books HTTP://Ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/Arael_Et_Al/homepage.htm

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – SPOILERED for feeling bad & su*c*dal junk 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 G*d i feel awful why do i feel so awful i just feel so absolutely awful i feel like everything i do is dirt i went downtown with family today and going up the super-high series of escalators at marshall fields looked down and had a very strong urge to throw myself off, shivered and hung onto the railing & hoped that nobody noticed specially since my grandma was there and Frank won’t hurt me now because i feel sh*tty enough for him and i don’t have the guts to hurt myself it doesn’t help nothing does when you got to be alive mom was staring at me the whole time ’cause i went into the hospital & she says well guess you need help me with bandaids all over my hands and them hurting like h*ll & acting like it’s all my weakness d*mmit i tried so hard and it never worked and it still isn’t working yet i’m still here & they’re still here and d*mmit i’m still tired & everyone KNOWS now sitting feeling sorry for me, the sick one & strange as it may sound i don’t like it in the car mom and dad started yelling and someone little came out and said in a little voice please stop yelling and they stopped hallelujah i guess ’cause they were afraid i was going to dig my eyeballs out right there in the car or something & when we got out dad turns to me & asks "were you scared" and i say yes and he engulfs me in a hug and tells me it’s all right but it ISN’T all right his poor fragile daughter the girl who couldn’t cope the family sicko the twisted one who hurts herself and checks herself into the nuthouse and then has to go towntown with family and smile and act like everything’s swell i was a zombie the whole time staring glassy-eyed at the windows d*mmit i should have thrown myself off the d*mn escalator all the way down it’d be over now d*mmit d*mmit d*mmit i want to throw up i want to d*e they want to talk to me tomorrow about my "illness", oh yeah f*cking right what’s there to say i want it all to go away why can’t it go away i HATE this i hate me i wish i could just d*e Bugs

Hey Bugs, Somedays it just feels like that.  I don’t have any good suggestions right now, because I’m on to many post-surgery painkillers, but I can tell you there are time when it doesn’t feel su*c*dal.  Took us almost two years to get to one.That day felt so amazing, not wanting to die every five minutes…  It came back of course. But now it comes and goes and is gone most days of the week.  Thankfully.  It can stay gone. Kanga – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – — -o- OurPlace: Resources & Interactive Support for:     -o- Autism, Aspergers and Related Conditions     -o- Dissociative conditions … and …     -o- Trauma Survival (Abuse and Non-Abuse)     -o- And For Fun and Relaxation….           * Activities * Games * Online Zoo * Recipies * Online Books HTTP://Ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/Arael_Et_Al/homepage.htm

Response:

we’re glad you’re still here even though we don’t read all of the posts we always look for your name here there have been times for us when we have been drowning in self-hatred and disgust and wishing we’d just fall over and d*e those are the feelings given to us by the ones who hurt us teh messages they put in our head that somehow its our fault fo r’being sick’ or that its just ‘a mater of willpower’ and that is ALL a bunch of bs we know it is far far more than ‘willpower’ thre is no "just getting better" and the h*tred we feel towards ourselves is the h*tred we were given by the ppl who hurt us. we can give it back to them it’s hard for alot of ppl to avoid f*mily this time of year but you can minimize the time spent with them it seems quite clear that you don’t enjoy going around with them! and not only is that ok but its a good thing if we ever start liking the company of ppl who deny what happened tous, who  refuse to even try to understand us, and who keep waiting for us to "get better" then we are in a lot of trouble! pls remember that there are lot of ppl here who do understand and who won’t say stupid things like ‘willpower’ :P we’d miss you very very much if you were gone and we’re here to listen and to try and help when we can peace & strength, — "ghyie" If the future’s looking dark We’re the ones who have to shine If there’s no one in control We’re the ones who draw the line Though we live in trying times We’re the ones who have to try Tho we know that time has wings We’re the ones who have to fly. Rush                 Counterparts Album                 "Everyday Glory"

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – SPOILERED for feeling bad & su*c*dal junk 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 G*d i feel awful why do i feel so awful i just feel so absolutely awful i feel like everything i do is dirt i went downtown with family today and going up the super-high series of escalators at marshall fields looked down and had a very strong urge to throw myself off, shivered and hung onto the railing & hoped that nobody noticed specially since my grandma was there and Frank won’t hurt me now because i feel sh*tty enough for him and i don’t have the guts to hurt myself it doesn’t help nothing does when you got to be alive mom was staring at me the whole time ’cause i went into the hospital & she says well guess you need help me with bandaids all over my hands and them hurting like h*ll & acting like it’s all my weakness d*mmit i tried so hard and it never worked and it still isn’t working yet i’m still here & they’re still here and d*mmit i’m still tired & everyone KNOWS now sitting feeling sorry for me, the sick one & strange as it may sound i don’t like it in the car mom and dad started yelling and someone little came out and said in a little voice please stop yelling and they stopped hallelujah i guess ’cause they were afraid i was going to dig my eyeballs out right there in the car or something & when we got out dad turns to me & asks "were you scared" and i say yes and he engulfs me in a hug and tells me it’s all right but it ISN’T all right his poor fragile daughter the girl who couldn’t cope the family sicko the twisted one who hurts herself and checks herself into the nuthouse and then has to go towntown with family and smile and act like everything’s swell i was a zombie the whole time staring glassy-eyed at the windows d*mmit i should have thrown myself off the d*mn escalator all the way down it’d be over now d*mmit d*mmit d*mmit i want to throw up i want to d*e they want to talk to me tomorrow about my "illness", oh yeah f*cking right what’s there to say i want it all to go away why can’t it go away i HATE this i hate me i wish i could just d*e Bugs

        You dont have to talk to them. Seriously. If you had wanted a discussion about your problems, or your problems with them, you could have started one anytime. I think you did try to start one earlier? Why are *they* picking the time for you to have your discussion about *you*? You should be in charge of picking the time, and my guess is you wouldn’t pick now. I wouldnt pick now either, cause their reactions seem off, and I think that if they said something stupid, it’d affect you more now that you are vulnerable, then it might later. I say you dont gotta talk to them, you dont gotta explain why, and if they push you on it, " ohh but weeere so wooorriiieeed" *then* threaten them with eyeball popping:)         The way is see it, looking crazy isnt actually an advantage when you try and get ppl to look at truths about whats happened. Ppl tend to instead of saying " Oh it was awful, look at the evidence of how screwed up she is" to say " Oh that never happened, look at the evidence of how screwed up she is, she doesnt know whats she saying."         And whoever wrote that bit about the "middle-class" will you stop with the internal class war? Yes there are children starving in africa and homeless men under the freeway ramp, and you *still* are in pain, have the right to acknowledge that pain, your pain *still* matters, still is a real problem, and is not actually silly or unwarranted. Dont be like your parents, dismissing your feelings until you start slicing holes in yourself just to feel something. Dont dismiss your feelings anymore, okay? It leads to troubles.         Okay so since I am apparently in advice mode I will outline my three step plan.         1. Dont dismiss your feelings or yourself.         2. Dont c*t, instead acknowledge and realise you are in pain, and trying to express that, and try to do something other than c*tting to express that pain or ease the internal pressure or comfort yourself.         3. When you are in a weakened, confused, semi-s**cidal state, dont have conversations about your personal private struggles with people who are famous for dismissing your feelings and giving you terrible advice, at least, if you are going to have a conversation with them, pick your moment sensibly and with an eye to your own mental health.         4. Ignore me if it helps you:) " I dont have a career. All I have is a list of things that I want to do."                              ~Neil Gaiman~

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