Act Acting » Career Acting » the battle for control…..

the battle for control…..

Question:

I’ve been trying to keep my promise to my grandma. before she died she asked me to try and have a relationship with my mother. she told me that mothers and daughters really need to have that female bond in order to move onto the next phase of life,

Grandma was wrong, and I’m glad you’re finding that out.  Isn’t working out grand? Shar

Response:

yeah…. perhaps that is what I’ve been feeling until recently…. like I was a prisoner or a hostage…. either way, I’m cutting those shackles and freeing myself from that crap. I’ve preached that the cycle ends with me so now I"m looking into ways to make sure that it really does end with me…. lots of work yet to do….

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – X-No-Archive: yes Alan – small correction here – you don’t bond to a psychopathic parent – you are taken hostage. Somebuddie who knows.    :-( bonding is the problem and solution. besides you could be bonded with a psychopath and in need of deep therapy to reparent yourself and be bonded to other people and critters who are a lot healthier then that bonding with your mom in order to move on … like she knows more then you about your life. and you can unmake a promise and reschedule the debt or the honor. if granny loves you – this is easy to accomplish – given her wisdom of years. on a note for you to understand … even healthy people being born and growing up in the perfect family must break their bonding to understand their parents and grow up to be free. loving your parents – having no bitterness and animosity towards them – because you finally fully understand their life of fear. cause you live in love. it takes work for that babe – putting out the bitter salty tears. the first buddha has to do it – people in healthy families have to do it – people in sick families have to do it … some people like Ronald Reagan are so lost, they go to their death beds lost. look in to neonate psychology in how a new born KNOWS everything about mom and dad when they are born .. and then act out that life as a young adult to learn about their mom and dad by living it out … in a sick way since you came from sick parents. healthy parent object relations bring on the same future – acting out the healthy way and living it out to learn about their mom and dad and be free. this continues until the person wakes up and lives another life then their parent objects life instilled, brainwashed and imprinted on them … in their prison of another’s life. Not free at all. sumbuddie who cares :) I’ve been trying to keep my promise to my grandma. before she died she asked me to try and have a relationship with my mother. she told me that mothers and daughters really need to have that female bond in order to move onto the next phase of life, be it motherhood or career or whatever. unfortunately, while my dad is still in the picture, there’s lots of animosity between me and both parents. it shouldn’t be there but it is. I honestly need to learn how to love myself before I can honestly say I love someone else, parents and siblings included. I’m just thankful that my bf is so tolerant! he knows what I"ve been through and it’s been hell on him while for me, it’s been ingrained into my head and way of life. so here I am, trying to keep up as time moves forward…. sometimes I ask "now what?" and sometimes I just have to take it as it comes. I hope that one day I can talk to my mom…. Sorry this was so long…. I just needed to vent, sound off and otherwise get this out.. nawwww, you doing real good. bridal your tongue and use it as a skillfull healing sword if you must …. and you did good by not responding to mom – but making a response anyway. its part of the journey in getting to the heart of thing. the heart of the matter. through the anger and then deep into the love … takes a while – sometimes months to do that. try reading Barbara De’Angelis "How to make love all the time". I do it to everybuddie – make love to them – as best I can and do better every day. read the book and then talk heart to mon about poison letters. how you dont want to do that. how you love your mom and want all neat things for her. but mom, how do I speak the truth in what I think happened. maybe you think I got it wrong and maybe I got it right. wanna talk about it – or just drop it. you can always set up a videotape and catch the perpatrator doing the dirty deed … making a crime … violating a person or a property. it is evidence that speak loudly then and in a manner that can not be avoided. then maybe they go into therapy … or put up behind boundaries if they are that much of a sexual preditator. sumbuddie luvs ya kid :) — For more information about this NNTP posting service, contact: If you want an anonymous account, visit our sign-up page: https://asarian-host.net/cgi-bin/signup.cgi

Response:

bonding is the problem and solution. besides you could be bonded with a psychopath and in need of deep therapy to reparent yourself and be bonded to other people and critters who are a lot healthier then that bonding with your mom in order to move on … like she knows more then you about your life. and you can unmake a promise and reschedule the debt or the honor. if granny loves you – this is easy to accomplish – given her wisdom of years. on a note for you to understand … even healthy people being born and growing up in the perfect family must break their bonding to understand their parents and grow up to be free. loving your parents – having no bitterness and animosity towards them – because you finally fully understand their life of fear. cause you live in love. it takes work for that babe – putting out the bitter salty tears. the first buddha has to do it – people in healthy families have to do it – people in sick families have to do it … some people like Ronald Reagan are so lost, they go to their death beds lost. look in to neonate psychology in how a new born KNOWS everything about mom and dad when they are born .. and then act out that life as a young adult to learn about their mom and dad by living it out … in a sick way since you came from sick parents. healthy parent object relations bring on the same future – acting out the healthy way and living it out to learn about their mom and dad and be free. this continues until the person wakes up and lives another life then their parent objects life instilled, brainwashed and imprinted on them … in their prison of another’s life. Not free at all. sumbuddie who cares :) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’ve been trying to keep my promise to my grandma. before she died she asked me to try and have a relationship with my mother. she told me that mothers and daughters really need to have that female bond in order to move onto the next phase of life, be it motherhood or career or whatever. unfortunately, while my dad is still in the picture, there’s lots of animosity between me and both parents. it shouldn’t be there but it is. I honestly need to learn how to love myself before I can honestly say I love someone else, parents and siblings included. I’m just thankful that my bf is so tolerant! he knows what I"ve been through and it’s been hell on him while for me, it’s been ingrained into my head and way of life. so here I am, trying to keep up as time moves forward…. sometimes I ask "now what?" and sometimes I just have to take it as it comes. I hope that one day I can talk to my mom…. Sorry this was so long…. I just needed to vent, sound off and otherwise get this out.. nawwww, you doing real good. bridal your tongue and use it as a skillfull healing sword if you must … and you did good by not responding to mom – but making a response anyway. its part of the journey in getting to the heart of thing. the heart of the matter. through the anger and then deep into the love … takes a while – sometimes months to do that. try reading Barbara De’Angelis "How to make love all the time". I do it to everybuddie – make love to them – as best I can and do better every day. read the book and then talk heart to mon about poison letters. how you dont want to do that. how you love your mom and want all neat things for her. but mom, how do I speak the truth in what I think happened. maybe you think I got it wrong and maybe I got it right. wanna talk about it – or just drop it. you can always set up a videotape and catch the perpatrator doing the dirty deed … making a crime … violating a person or a property. it is evidence that speak loudly then and in a manner that can not be avoided. then maybe they go into therapy … or put up behind boundaries if they are that much of a sexual preditator. sumbuddie luvs ya kid :)

Response:

I know how life sometimes keeps one really busy. there have been times where I don’t check my messages for a week! as for that program you were on…. I see it this way, if someone starts something and then doesn’t stick with it for whatever reason, it’s possible that it’s not gonna work. I’ve tried things like taking dance classes, going to martial arts classes, taking up arts and crafts and even locking myself upstairs in my room all day long… for me, it was joining a gym after my doctor told me that my health was beginning to fail… I became high risk for Diabetes, heart disease…. something I really don’t want to deal with right now if I can avoid it! for me, the gym works…. speaking of which…. I’m gonna be late for my appointment with my trainer! I’ll reply more later! ((((((((((((((HUGS!!)))))))))))))

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – hiyas, first I want to thank Windy and Alan for replying to my post about needing the justification for not contacting my father on father’s day…. and to those who either didn’t know what to say or perhaps didn’t have the time… =) :O(  i’m sorry i didn’t get to read your post about father’s day, i have been out of pocket for the past few days. Something I realized…. I’d left a message on my mom’s voice mail in regards to my brother’s verbal attack on me last friday. so on monday I got this e mail from her. in the last sentence or two, she told me that if I reply with a "poisoned" response, that she would cut me off completely and simply not read it. of course that pissed me off. so I wrote out my reply to her e mail… thing is, I never sent it but I feel lots better after getting it all out. wow, that would have upset me to.  that would have made me feel that my feelings weren’t important enough to be heard or something. i know that sometimes feelings aren’t pretty especially when they are formed into words, but i think that feelings need to be expressed. i think if a person keeps them locked away, it’s like a lead weight….it drags them down. i feel talking is good :O)  even if it gets intense.  the thing is, she accused me of sweeping my issues with the family under a rug and only pulling it out if something goes down between me and one of my siblings.  to be honest, yes, I am guilty of sweeping things under the rug but so are they. the problem is that no one in my damned family knows how to communicate effectively in order to resolve problems. Now, on the other hand, (and I won’t spill out all the gories of the e mail from her) her telling me that she won’t hear me out is a way for her to regain that control she lost when I moved out of state. To be honest, I’m sick to death of her childish headgames. arghhhhhhhhhh.  i hate headgames.  i hate manipulation.  i don’t know if people intentionally do it or if it’s something unconscious….but it’s so darn obvious when they do it.  i have a couple of relatives who are at virtual war with each other, and if you don’t watch it then they will drag you in the middle of it and then start with the head game stuff.  "well you talk to them more than me, i guess that tells me something.’ threaten to ‘cut people off’  if they don’t agree with them. i got to feeling this way…..my feelings don’t matter, my opinion doesn’t matter….you want me to agree with you 100% 100% of the time and have no ideas or thoughts on my own….that makes me feel valuable as a person :OL it’s just plain annoying.  I’ve been in and out of therapy for years…. some helps, some doesn’t (actually, most doesn’t) but somehow I"ve managed to get by. Well, shortly after my grandma’s death, I began having numbness in my left leg from the hip down. I was on crutches for a while and then went to using a cane/walking stick. I’ve almost broken my ankle because I couldn’t feel where my foot was. I went in for an MRI and we discovered a disk bulging in my lower spine as well as a diagnosis of Degenerative Disk Disease (which is something that is hereditary in my family)… I joined a gym and the change is amazing! i cringed when i read that.  that is horrid.  you have been through a whole lot. it’s not just a physical or a physiological change but an emotional/psychological change as well. I’m feeling more independent, my self image is improving as well as the fact that I’m losing the weight I put on while I was pregnant. WOW!!  i haven’t been able to loose any weight.  i tried the dennis austin route in the mornings and got discouraged.  i really didn’t stick to it, every 5 minutes i was having to rest :O/   i know though that if i had just kept at it, i would feel a lot better now than i do.  i want to feel all that stuff you do!!  more independent with an improved self image.  that is fantastic!! I’m also regaining feeling in my left leg. During my workouts, I find myself freeing myself from my parents control, little by little… I realized that my mom was trying to control my response to her. she failed. she’s not even worth me sending the reply…. or any reply for that matter. and I’m finding that day by day, as I begin to remember stuff from when I was a kid, the beatings, the emotional BS, the games they played with me…. I’m learning that that is all in the past and now, I need to learn how to channel that energy into something positive…. that’s not to say that some days I’ll probably be something of a real bitch but I figure it this way, if I’m healing from the abuse then those times that I am a bitch is in a way a phase of "grief" because I think we grieve when we let go of the memories of the abuse. We tend to hold onto it so no one can ever hurt us again and by letting go, we become vulnerable. that is wonderful about regaining feeling in your leg.  i need to free myself from my parents for a different reason.  i was lucky, i had great parents…but after i was abused, i became very clingy to them.  and i know it might sound weird, but emotionally i am still clingy to them. my body and mind need to know that i can survive on my own.  i don’t know how to start doing that.  i have gotten to the point where if heaven forbid something happened to them and they no longer were physically here….i just worry about how i would survive.  i don’t think that sentence really made that much sense….it’s hard to explain.  but i need free myself as well. as for being a bitch, i had a good friend in school whose favorite phrase was from the movie…..(i can’t believe i can’t remember the movie!!) well it was this…"sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to."   i really don’t know if those are the exact words….but it is along those lines.  i never thought she was a bitch, i thought of her as a strong woman.  she was nice to people but at the same time she wasn’t going to put up with any crap either.  i think other people where intimadated by that (being strong) though and she got labeled a bitch a lot. hanging onto the abuse has helped keep me "safe" because it made me remember how much my parents hurt me and how horrible I felt after one of my exhusband’s rape sessions. it kept me safe in knowing that no matter what, I’d never let that happen to me again. well, I won’t open myself up to being abused ever again but now, I guess it’s time to let go… the more I work out, the stronger I become both physically and emotionally…. my parents have finally lost their grip on my life…. they’ve lost the control over me that they’ve had all these years…. Amen to that!!!! Sorry this was so long…. I just needed to vent, sound off and otherwise get this out…. ((((((hugs))))))))  I am so sorry that you have been through so much.  and for you to have a wonderful attitude after all of that really speaks well of you and your character.  I’m happy that you have found freedom :O)  I’m sorry that you have had to go through so much though. you have inspired me to try Denise Austin once again to :O) sincerely~ Ally

Response:

I’ve been trying to keep my promise to my grandma. before she died she asked me to try and have a relationship with my mother. she told me that mothers and daughters really need to have that female bond in order to move onto the next phase of life, be it motherhood or career or whatever. unfortunately, while my dad is still in the picture, there’s lots of animosity between me and both parents. it shouldn’t be there but it is. I honestly need to learn how to love myself before I can honestly say I love someone else, parents and siblings included. I’m just thankful that my bf is so tolerant! he knows what I"ve been through and it’s been hell on him while for me, it’s been ingrained into my head and way of life. so here I am, trying to keep up as time moves forward…. sometimes I ask "now what?" and sometimes I just have to take it as it comes. I hope that one day I can talk to my mom…. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Sorry this was so long…. I just needed to vent, sound off and otherwise get this out.. nawwww, you doing real good. bridal your tongue and use it as a skillfull healing sword if you must … and you did good by not responding to mom – but making a response anyway. its part of the journey in getting to the heart of thing. the heart of the matter. through the anger and then deep into the love … takes a while – sometimes months to do that. try reading Barbara De’Angelis "How to make love all the time". I do it to everybuddie – make love to them – as best I can and do better every day. read the book and then talk heart to mon about poison letters. how you dont want to do that. how you love your mom and want all neat things for her. but mom, how do I speak the truth in what I think happened. maybe you think I got it wrong and maybe I got it right. wanna talk about it – or just drop it. you can always set up a videotape and catch the perpatrator doing the dirty deed … making a crime … violating a person or a property. it is evidence that speak loudly then and in a manner that can not be avoided. then maybe they go into therapy … or put up behind boundaries if they are that much of a sexual preditator. sumbuddie luvs ya kid :)

Response:

Sorry this was so long…. I just needed to vent, sound off and otherwise get this out..

nawwww, you doing real good. bridal your tongue and use it as a skillfull healing sword if you must … and you did good by not responding to mom – but making a response anyway. its part of the journey in getting to the heart of thing. the heart of the matter. through the anger and then deep into the love … takes a while – sometimes months to do that. try reading Barbara De’Angelis "How to make love all the time". I do it to everybuddie – make love to them – as best I can and do better every day. read the book and then talk heart to mon about poison letters. how you dont want to do that. how you love your mom and want all neat things for her. but mom, how do I speak the truth in what I think happened. maybe you think I got it wrong and maybe I got it right. wanna talk about it – or just drop it. you can always set up a videotape and catch the perpatrator doing the dirty deed … making a crime … violating a person or a property. it is evidence that speak loudly then and in a manner that can not be avoided. then maybe they go into therapy … or put up behind boundaries if they are that much of a sexual preditator. sumbuddie luvs ya kid :)

Response:

hiyas, first I want to thank Windy and Alan for replying to my post about needing the justification for not contacting my father on father’s day…. and to those who either didn’t know what to say or perhaps didn’t have the time… =)

:O(  i’m sorry i didn’t get to read your post about father’s day, i have been out of pocket for the past few days. Something I realized…. I’d left a message on my mom’s voice mail in regards to my brother’s verbal attack on me last friday. so on monday I got this e mail from her. in the last sentence or two, she told me that if I reply with a "poisoned" response, that she would cut me off completely and simply not read it. of course that pissed me off. so I wrote out my reply to her e mail… thing is, I never sent it but I feel lots better after getting it all out.

wow, that would have upset me to.  that would have made me feel that my feelings weren’t important enough to be heard or something. i know that sometimes feelings aren’t pretty especially when they are formed into words, but i think that feelings need to be expressed. i think if a person keeps them locked away, it’s like a lead weight….it drags them down. i feel talking is good :O)  even if it gets intense.  the thing is, she accused me of sweeping my issues with the family under a rug and only pulling it out if something goes down between me and one of my siblings.  to be honest, yes, I am guilty of sweeping things under the rug but so are they. the problem is that no one in my damned family knows how to communicate effectively in order to resolve problems. Now, on the other hand, (and I won’t spill out all the gories of the e mail from her) her telling me that she won’t hear me out is a way for her to regain that control she lost when I moved out of state. To be honest, I’m sick to death of her childish headgames.

arghhhhhhhhhh.  i hate headgames.  i hate manipulation.  i don’t know if people intentionally do it or if it’s something unconscious….but it’s so darn obvious when they do it.  i have a couple of relatives who are at virtual war with each other, and if you don’t watch it then they will drag you in the middle of it and then start with the head game stuff.  "well you talk to them more than me, i guess that tells me something.’ threaten to ‘cut people off’  if they don’t agree with them. i got to feeling this way…..my feelings don’t matter, my opinion doesn’t matter….you want me to agree with you 100% 100% of the time and have no ideas or thoughts on my own….that makes me feel valuable as a person :OL it’s just plain annoying.  I’ve been in and out of therapy for years…. some helps, some doesn’t (actually, most doesn’t) but somehow I"ve managed to get by. Well, shortly after my grandma’s death, I began having numbness in my left leg from the hip down. I was on crutches for a while and then went to using a cane/walking stick. I’ve almost broken my ankle because I couldn’t feel where my foot was. I went in for an MRI and we discovered a disk bulging in my lower spine as well as a diagnosis of Degenerative Disk Disease (which is something that is hereditary in my family)… I joined a gym and the change is amazing!

i cringed when i read that.  that is horrid.  you have been through a whole lot. it’s not just a physical or a physiological change but an emotional/psychological change as well. I’m feeling more independent, my self image is improving as well as the fact that I’m losing the weight I put on while I was pregnant.

WOW!!  i haven’t been able to loose any weight.  i tried the dennis austin route in the mornings and got discouraged.  i really didn’t stick to it, every 5 minutes i was having to rest :O/   i know though that if i had just kept at it, i would feel a lot better now than i do.  i want to feel all that stuff you do!!  more independent with an improved self image.  that is fantastic!! I’m also regaining feeling in my – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – left leg. During my workouts, I find myself freeing myself from my parents control, little by little… I realized that my mom was trying to control my response to her. she failed. she’s not even worth me sending the reply…. or any reply for that matter. and I’m finding that day by day, as I begin to remember stuff from when I was a kid, the beatings, the emotional BS, the games they played with me…. I’m learning that that is all in the past and now, I need to learn how to channel that energy into something positive…. that’s not to say that some days I’ll probably be something of a real bitch but I figure it this way, if I’m healing from the abuse then those times that I am a bitch is in a way a phase of "grief" because I think we grieve when we let go of the memories of the abuse. We tend to hold onto it so no one can ever hurt us again and by letting go, we become vulnerable.

that is wonderful about regaining feeling in your leg.  i need to free myself from my parents for a different reason.  i was lucky, i had great parents…but after i was abused, i became very clingy to them.  and i know it might sound weird, but emotionally i am still clingy to them. my body and mind need to know that i can survive on my own.  i don’t know how to start doing that.  i have gotten to the point where if heaven forbid something happened to them and they no longer were physically here….i just worry about how i would survive.  i don’t think that sentence really made that much sense….it’s hard to explain.  but i need free myself as well. as for being a bitch, i had a good friend in school whose favorite phrase was from the movie…..(i can’t believe i can’t remember the movie!!) well it was this…"sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to."   i really don’t know if those are the exact words….but it is along those lines.  i never thought she was a bitch, i thought of her as a strong woman.  she was nice to people but at the same time she wasn’t going to put up with any crap either.  i think other people where intimadated by that (being strong) though and she got labeled a bitch a lot. hanging onto the abuse has helped keep me "safe" because it made me remember how much my parents hurt me and how horrible I felt after one of my exhusband’s rape sessions. it kept me safe in knowing that no matter what, I’d never let that happen to me again. well, I won’t open myself up to being abused ever again but now, I guess it’s time to let go… the more I work out, the stronger I become both physically and emotionally…. my parents have finally lost their grip on my life…. they’ve lost the control over me that they’ve had all these years…. Amen to that!!!! Sorry this was so long…. I just needed to vent, sound off and otherwise get this out….

((((((hugs))))))))  I am so sorry that you have been through so much.  and for you to have a wonderful attitude after all of that really speaks well of you and your character.  I’m happy that you have found freedom :O)  I’m sorry that you have had to go through so much though. you have inspired me to try Denise Austin once again to :O) sincerely~ Ally

Response:

hiyas, first I want to thank Windy and Alan for replying to my post about needing the justification for not contacting my father on father’s day…. and to those who either didn’t know what to say or perhaps didn’t have the time… =) Something I realized…. I’d left a message on my mom’s voice mail in regards to my brother’s verbal attack on me last friday. so on monday I got this e mail from her. in the last sentence or two, she told me that if I reply with a "poisoned" response, that she would cut me off completely and simply not read it. of course that pissed me off. so I wrote out my reply to her e mail… thing is, I never sent it but I feel lots better after getting it all out. the thing is, she accused me of sweeping my issues with the family under a rug and only pulling it out if something goes down between me and one of my siblings.  to be honest, yes, I am guilty of sweeping things under the rug but so are they. the problem is that no one in my damned family knows how to communicate effectively in order to resolve problems. Now, on the other hand, (and I won’t spill out all the gories of the e mail from her) her telling me that she won’t hear me out is a way for her to regain that control she lost when I moved out of state. To be honest, I’m sick to death of her childish headgames. I’ve been in and out of therapy for years…. some helps, some doesn’t (actually, most doesn’t) but somehow I"ve managed to get by. Well, shortly after my grandma’s death, I began having numbness in my left leg from the hip down. I was on crutches for a while and then went to using a cane/walking stick. I’ve almost broken my ankle because I couldn’t feel where my foot was. I went in for an MRI and we discovered a disk bulging in my lower spine as well as a diagnosis of Degenerative Disk Disease (which is something that is hereditary in my family)… I joined a gym and the change is amazing! it’s not just a physical or a physiological change but an emotional/psychological change as well. I’m feeling more independent, my self image is improving as well as the fact that I’m losing the weight I put on while I was pregnant. I’m also regaining feeling in my left leg. During my workouts, I find myself freeing myself from my parents control, little by little… I realized that my mom was trying to control my response to her. she failed. she’s not even worth me sending the reply…. or any reply for that matter. and I’m finding that day by day, as I begin to remember stuff from when I was a kid, the beatings, the emotional BS, the games they played with me…. I’m learning that that is all in the past and now, I need to learn how to channel that energy into something positive…. that’s not to say that some days I’ll probably be something of a real bitch but I figure it this way, if I’m healing from the abuse then those times that I am a bitch is in a way a phase of "grief" because I think we grieve when we let go of the memories of the abuse. We tend to hold onto it so no one can ever hurt us again and by letting go, we become vulnerable. hanging onto the abuse has helped keep me "safe" because it made me remember how much my parents hurt me and how horrible I felt after one of my exhusband’s rape sessions. it kept me safe in knowing that no matter what, I’d never let that happen to me again. well, I won’t open myself up to being abused ever again but now, I guess it’s time to let go… the more I work out, the stronger I become both physically and emotionally…. my parents have finally lost their grip on my life…. they’ve lost the control over me that they’ve had all these years…. Amen to that!!!! Sorry this was so long…. I just needed to vent, sound off and otherwise get this out….

Response:

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