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Paxil in the news: Variety

Question:

Say, I hate to ask, but since my ISP was acting up when I posted this, I was wondering if anyone saw this post or if you just didn’t think it was amusing.  It was supposed to be a parody of the "Paxil in the news" posts lately, and I love movies, so to me ‘Variety’ is news. Don’t worry, I won’t commit suicide or anything if you don’t like it.  I just woke up one AM with this whole thing and wrote it down and I still laugh when I think about it.  (I’m still just adjusting to my Xanax.  The Pdoc is thinking about adding something else.) (The idea was to figure out what famous actor you would choose to "play" a drug that is often discussed in ASAP.) E. Brent Price HOLLYWOOD-

<extremely cute message snipped

Response:

HOLLYWOOD- The rumor mill is back to full production today after a spokesman for Woody Harrelson refused to confirm or deny that the actor had signed for a record breaking contract to play Paxil. While hard preproduction facts are always hard to come by in Tinsel Town, the on again off again Paxil project was considered dead when an unconfirmed source quoted John Travolta as having said he "…would have nothing to do with psychiatric quackery." "That’s rich," the Harrelson spokesman said "it’s just that Travolta’s heavy days are over and he knows it.  Pulp Fiction was a fluke.  Can you say ‘Faceoff’?  Sure.  I thought you could." Originally concieved as a television movie of the week to be spun off into a daytime drama, the shelved project was given a recent shot in the arm when it was reported that big screen production funding had been greenlighted by a company code-named "Deep Pocket". David Spade, long rumored to play the mild mannered BusPar, refused to comment on the present project, but, speaking of his late friend Chris Farley (who was supposedly slated to play the powerful but short lived Xanax) said through an anonymous spokesperson "I only know that Chris was anxious about it, and I can’t help but think it might have saved his life." Meanwhile, insiders at Industrial Light and Magic have confirmed that computer models and storyboards for "…a powerful series of side effects…" have been in the works for months. "This just goes to show once again how ridiculous these rumors are." said a SKB spokesman who asked not to be identified.  "Everyone knows, Paxil has no side effects." No amount of denial seems to be slowing the rumors, however, with sources of varying reliability coming in daily including the return of Phylis Diller to the role of Valium after initially turning down the role because her age, but deciding to change her age instead.  "How young do you want me to be? Just give me 3 months for the scars to heal." was how one source claimed she framed her response. Still to be cast is the adventurous and independent Prozac who joins with Paxil and the quirky New Age Zoloft to lead the SSRIs against  their arch rival, the MAOI gang who team with the Heavy Metals leaving the Benzos divided in their loyalty.

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