Act Acting » Method Acting » Help!!! Divorce over snack time?????

Help!!! Divorce over snack time?????

Question:

>It seems a shame to reward them for just acting right, but there is >something rewarding about their bickering or they wouldn’t be doing >it.  There’s a payoff there somewhere.  You have to interrupt that >action-reaction cycle with another payoff, for acting differently.

Vicki, I think you may be on to something – I’m going to try it!  Thanks!  Boy, amazing to me how simple some of these answers are – this newsgroup is helpful… Debbie

Response:

In a previous article, debinn…@aol.com (DebInNoVa) said: >They STILL argue over seating >at meals and snacks – even though they KNOW where to sit (assigned seats at >table for this reason).  They just like conflict….ABOUT EVERYTHING….

You know, it strikes me that this kind of bickering can be habitual. Sometimes, of course, they will really feel strongly about some issue, but this could be just the way they’ve developed to interact.  You can interrupt that kind of thing with some good old behavior modification. (I have already recounted this method for dealing with constant arguing; some of you might want to move on now!)  I initiated a system for three children, two of whom fought *constantly*.  I put up a chart with room for stickers.  For every 15 minute period that their interactions did not require parental intervention, each child got a sticker.  If parental intervention was required, the perps did *not* get a sticker, but the innocent bystander (if any) did.  After a few days, they could trade in their stickers.  Four would get them a dollar to spend at the Dollar Store.  It didn’t really get to them until the first trip to redeem the stickers.  The fighters had maybe two bucks each to spend, the more peaceful of the three had *9* dollars.  They looked at her pile and at their paltry little heaps and suddenly realized that there was a *reason* to rein in their baser impulses. Now, since your kids live together, you can’t have 24 hours of 15 minute intervals.  You might want to start with mealtimes.  Every time you sit down to eat, the ones who don’t whinge and pick fights get a sticker.  Anyone making trouble doesn’t get a sticker.  And responding to provocation loses your sticker too;  "he started it!" doesn’t fly. "He" did not put a gun to your head and force you to fight back.  If "he" tries to start something, walk away, or calmly inform a parent that SoAndSo is picking on you. You can extend that to bedtimes, rides in the car, whatever seems to be pivotal times for your kids. There’s a bonus for your peaceful son, too; he gets rewarded for his ability to not rise to the bait.  If the other kids complain, point out to them that they have all the opportunity in the world to get a sticker for every occasion; it’s all based on *how you act* not who you are. It seems a shame to reward them for just acting right, but there is something rewarding about their bickering or they wouldn’t be doing it.  There’s a payoff there somewhere.  You have to interrupt that action-reaction cycle with another payoff, for acting differently. It takes some time, but it worked for us. Vicki — Mediation and Alternative Dispute Resolution Resources: http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts/mediation/mediation.html The alt.folklore.urban FAQ and archive can be found at http://www.urbanlegends.com/  

Response:

>>How can a relationship break up over simple things such as >>food????????? <smile> >Debbie, from reading your posts, it doesn’t sound as if the problem is as >basic as fighting over food. But you know that, right?

Tracey, YEP, <SMILE>  I know it but it seems its always the little things that keep giving us set backs.  My SO and I sooo want to work things out if we can just get things settled down.   >so take the ‘fight’ out of it by assigning chairs to sit in and >taking >the options away. It might be a little sticky at first, but with consistancy >and >firmness (and even a day or two of not getting breakfast), it should calm >down

I’m working on SO right now to do this with me. I told him 14 choices is just ASKING for trouble. >And, not to sound like a >downer, >but your son, no matter how laid-back he is, is probably going to need some >help in understanding what’s going on, too. The more ‘laid-back’ kids tend to >get ignored and taken advantage of and that’s not at all good for them.

I agree and that is one of my major concerns.  Nine times out of ten he is not involved or is fleeing the area so as not to be involved or have to listen to it.  I will make sure he gets a chance to talk to counselor too. Thanks, Tracey, I enjoy reading all of your posts! Debbie

Response:

Okay, well I agree 100% with the healthier foods suggestion and have been trying to get them to eat fruit, etc.   Getting my SO to agree to cutting back on snack foods has been tough (he doesn’t really eat them – but anything the kids want – he gets)  - but I’m getting there.  Since I wrote last -(when there were over 15 junk food snack choices in snack drawer) – I have NOT bought anymore junk food – (besides chips) until ALL others are finished.  I also have been pushing the fruit.  I think it will be a slow transition for them and SO, but I’m going to keep at it. I don’t agree, though, with the "eating whatever whenever" or the "stashing of junk food so they can eat whenever".  I JUST (finally after six months) got them on a "one snack" between meals and before bed.  They were in the kitchen – eating every 1/2 hour and making me crazy… And you would have to know my SD and SS (who has ADHD – is totally impulsive – and can’t get a drink without making a mess – makes bad judgement calls 10 – 15 times a day) – If they kept their own foods/snacks – There would be constant bickering between him and his sister as to who had what and how much, etc…. They STILL argue over seating at meals and snacks – even though they KNOW where to sit (assigned seats at table for this reason).  They just like conflict….ABOUT EVERYTHING….And, with my "BM hat on" – my own 11 year old son – who lives with us also – has NO wierd food issues – comes to table when called… and actually could see him keeping some snacks in his room – because he would eat them resonsibly – Not all at one time – BUT, because we aim to keep everything "EVEN STEVEN" – he has to abide by the rules we set because of the others… :::sigh:::: Anyway, I’m winning this battle – at least until the next trip to the grocery store!!!! <SMILE> Debbie> – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I doubt if what foods were offered would make much difference, >don’t you? I think the big "thrill" here is to be able to bitch >bitch bitch that the horrible stepmom never has anything to eat >in the house. Although I’m at a loss to say how, I think it’s >the underlying resentment that needs to be addressed, not the >food choices. >Anne >Angi Long wrote: >> No fruit?  Rice cakes?  Whole grain breads and sandwich makings?  Yogurt? >> Crackers?  Veggies and dip?  Plain tortilla chips and salsa?  Just a >> suggestion, but maybe if you got rid of all the junk food and replaced it >with >> healthy choices, the behavior might get a lot better — after the initial >loud >> complaints, of course.  Healthy foods also tend to be cheaper, so it’d go >> easier on your budget.  You could try telling the kids that they can have >> anything in the house they want any time they want, but then don’t put all >> that junk in the house — just fill the fridge and cupboards with plenty of >> healthy foods.  Or if you do get a *few* junk treats each shopping trip, >dole >> them out when you get home and give each child their own place to keep >their >> junk food, so they can eat it any time they want, and they know in advance >> that everybody is getting exactly the same amount as everyone else of those >> treats. >>   — Angi

Response:

I doubt if what foods were offered would make much difference, don’t you? I think the big "thrill" here is to be able to bitch bitch bitch that the horrible stepmom never has anything to eat in the house. Although I’m at a loss to say how, I think it’s the underlying resentment that needs to be addressed, not the food choices. Anne – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Angi Long wrote: > No fruit?  Rice cakes?  Whole grain breads and sandwich makings?  Yogurt? > Crackers?  Veggies and dip?  Plain tortilla chips and salsa?  Just a > suggestion, but maybe if you got rid of all the junk food and replaced it with > healthy choices, the behavior might get a lot better — after the initial loud > complaints, of course.  Healthy foods also tend to be cheaper, so it’d go > easier on your budget.  You could try telling the kids that they can have > anything in the house they want any time they want, but then don’t put all > that junk in the house — just fill the fridge and cupboards with plenty of > healthy foods.  Or if you do get a *few* junk treats each shopping trip, dole > them out when you get home and give each child their own place to keep their > junk food, so they can eat it any time they want, and they know in advance > that everybody is getting exactly the same amount as everyone else of those > treats. >   — Angi

Response:

DebInNoVa <debinn…@aol.com> wrote in message

news:19990316132918.20727.00000192@ng-fi1.aol.com… >school…. his two fight and bicker each morning about what to eat… never >happy… complain there is nothing they want, etc.  Here is a list of what >currently is in "the snack cabinet"  2 boxes of donut sticks, mini muffins, >choc. donuts, bag of donut holes, honeybuns, devil squares, instant oatmeal, >five kinds of cereal, 4 types of poptarts, cheddar popcorn, reg. popcorn, >cheesedoodles, chips, doritos (2 kinds) oatmeal creme pies, (ice cream also).

No fruit?  Rice cakes?  Whole grain breads and sandwich makings?  Yogurt? Crackers?  Veggies and dip?  Plain tortilla chips and salsa?  Just a suggestion, but maybe if you got rid of all the junk food and replaced it with healthy choices, the behavior might get a lot better — after the initial loud complaints, of course.  Healthy foods also tend to be cheaper, so it’d go easier on your budget.  You could try telling the kids that they can have anything in the house they want any time they want, but then don’t put all that junk in the house — just fill the fridge and cupboards with plenty of healthy foods.  Or if you do get a *few* junk treats each shopping trip, dole them out when you get home and give each child their own place to keep their junk food, so they can eat it any time they want, and they know in advance that everybody is getting exactly the same amount as everyone else of those treats.   — Angi

Response:

Hi guys, Well, maybe not a divorce technically – (not married – just living together) but… if you remember a previous posting I made regarding my situation – SO, custody of his two SS (11 with ADHD) and SD (8 nagging, negative, jealous) and my 11 year old son, Trevor. Well, if you can believe it, one of the biggest things we argue about is food!!!!  For some reason, that I as yet have not been able to figure out, SS and SD, along with constantly picking at each other and fighting, etc. have an obsession about food.  (I happen to know that before I came along, they were not deprived of good food  - their Dad cooked for them nightly).  When we first moved in together, SS and SD would eat snacks every hour or so…. wasting 3/4 of food and hardly eating at mealtime. SS would come up every fifteen minutes to half hour and drink a glass or two of juice, coke, etc.  spilling half of it on floor, etc. (ADHD – hyper) Well, I have managed to put a stop to that – now there is just one substantial snack between meals… but….. since SO has to leave early in a.m. and I (who work full-time) get all children off to school…. his two fight and bicker each morning about what to eat… never happy… complain there is nothing they want, etc.  Here is a list of what currently is in "the snack cabinet"  2 boxes of donut sticks, mini muffins, choc. donuts, bag of donut holes, honeybuns, devil squares, instant oatmeal, five kinds of cereal, 4 types of poptarts, cheddar popcorn, reg. popcorn, cheesedoodles, chips, doritos (2 kinds) oatmeal creme pies, (ice cream also).   In order to keep stress down for me in a.m., SO is talked to them about morning routine, etc.  and went out and bought even MORE choices for these spoiled children.  MY son ambles upstairs each a.m., ignores their bickering, and picking, etc. and eats his cereal or poptarts happy as you please. (Still not sure how he can block them out)   Well, this morning – after having decided the night before what to have (to keep them from not eating, complaining, etc.)  SD decides she is having TWO things (which is fine – but she is tiny and only doing this to piss off brother – she usually eats some and wastes alot), so they start fighting and he decides he is having two things (fine with me – they can eat four things if it is because they are hungry)… well needless to say they both tried to throw out 3/4 of what they started (this is nothing new  - daily routine it seems)…. but I made them sit at table and finish.  Boy, were they mad… But this has become such an issue?????  We currently have $150.00 worth of breakfast foods, snacks, etc. for the two of them.  Am I nuts, or is that a little ridiculous… I was happy with buttered toast and an ocassional oatmeal when I was growing up.   Anyway, this goes on 24 hours a day when they are in house…. fighting over everything.  They are so  jealous of Trevor – because he doesn’t get into trouble – that I’m worried about what I am exposing him to…. It is frightening.  Yesterday, Trevor was sick and stayed home from school.  He usually goes to school with SD.  When I told her to bring her scarf – that it was snowing and that she should bundle up…. WELL, all hell broke lose. What????!!!! You mean you aren’t taking us??? You take us on other days when its not snowing and today you are NOT taking us???!!! (She is 8 going on 16, I swear – you should hear the way she talks to me and SO)  I explained Trevor was sick and couldn’t leave him but that bus stop is only at corner and only have 3 min. wait…(they take bus 1/2 time and I drop them 1/2 time – (depends if I am ready – I drop them on way to work).   She went on and on yelling, etc. until I said, Well if this is how you are going to act when I don’t take you – then I’m not going to take you anymore. (was taking them to be nice).  Well, she looked at me and she said, "Well, if you don’t take me- you can’t take Trevor".  Of course I meant the two of them – as they go together – but everything always comes back to a competition with Trevor, even though he is oblivious….This morning when I took them to school, she got in and found a drink top on floor of car and proceeded to give Trevor and I the third degree on who got a drink in the car and she didn’t?  When was it?  She is totally afraid that he might get something she didn’t get – and he is just the opposite.  I don’t want him to end up like them…..He gets LESS attention than them, because he is so laid back… but I can’t even talk to him alone or hug him as she follows me around – even down to his room…. SHE gets ALL of the attention from SO and I. Help, what am I doing wrong???? I buy her outfits, read to her, have let her have all of Trevor’s books, toys, etc.  He shares everything – they had NOTHING!!!  I take her places and do special things with her….. Things I don’t even do with my son…. so… between my SS’s ADHD behavioral problems (breaking things, starting altercations with sibs, lying,  etc.) and her jealousy, I think my relationship is doomed. SO recognizes that his two are the problem, but, and I understand this, he is defensive and doesn’t know how to handle.   He trys to give them time outs and talks to them…. but its getting worse.   I have started seeing a family therapist that we all might end up going to, but for now I’m going for my sanity.  How can a relationship break up over simple things such as food????????? <smile> Anyone have anything similar?????  They fight over what to eat, how often, where to sit to eat, etc…… Its crazy. Debbie  

Response:

Related Posts

Leave a Reply