Act Acting » Method Acting » My husband has ADD

My husband has ADD

Question:

<snipped The lethargy seems to be apathy. The apathy seems to bve because of being dragged through life rather than   .. mounting his own initiative which he has given up on because he feels that it will be *thwarted* by whatever  … internal, you, work, age .. ????? I don’t know.

I had forgotten to touch on this.  Seems very much like how I become when I’m depressed. You asked  for advice. I gave it. Sorry if it seems brutish. That’s how I feel about it in this case.

RL, that’s the most coherent, well-put-together post I’ve ever seen from you.  Kudos. Kitten

Response:

Hmm! It must be less obvious. He has had terrible lethargy in the past couple of years. I hate to say this, but from *my* perspective, part of this is due to his ADHD and part of it is due to the inflexibility of most NTs (neuro-typicals – people with "normal" neurology).

Hi Anne, I haven’t answered you directly, yet …  I have ADD. Nevertheless, I’ll give you the best that I have to offer in a manner that might shock & puzzle you. Uncalled for *maybe*     … just gut feeling. I care … You sound very much like my wife in this posting.  … the idealized, "dream", perfect possible makeover of my dear wife that I could imagine. I don’t know if what I am seeing is the real "you"  … which it very much *could be*. You seems very selfconsistent in your *niceness*. … I don’t know if I am seeing a person who is being very careful to control what she says; to control her environment.  That seems to be strongly present in you Anne.  You seem like a very Obscessive Compulsive type of person.   I am just being candid.   Giiving you the best that I can offer. Regardless of who you are  .. or what I have (mis)construed, I see two key things about your DH that I see in myself.   .. I perceive that the same seems to hold between you and your DH   … as holds between me and my DW 1) "He has had terrible lethargy in the past couple of years. … " 2) What you have written below: Yes, I would agree there. I don’t have very high expectations for him at all. The only high expectation I have of him is to be able to hold down a job. I don’t even expect him to take out the garbage or mow the lawn anymore. If I ask him nicely to do something, he’s either too tired to do it or says he will do it later…which is like three years later :-D I think doing everything and keeping him on schedule is wearing me down.

There could be many reasons reasons for his lethargy. I am drawing the inference between 1) and 2) and my own experience with my DW.   YMMV! Don’t forget this!!! Your DH’s lethargy is apathy.  He has given up trying to take the initiative. You want to do it for him. You want to use him as a method of doing what you need to get done. Whatever the case, your husband seems to feel frustrated that the initiatives which he begins  .. or takes … or tries to complete … are taken over by you  .. or criticized by you  .. that his efforts to do things, hims;elf go unnoticed or unappreicated. Or he could just be frustrated by is own inability to put one foot in front of another and get somewhere with it. …" If I ask him nicely to do something, he’s either too tired to do it or says he will do it later…which is like three years later :-D …"  THIS COULD MEAN so many things   … It is most significicant to me that you would say it.   … but is it because he is pushed?  … Because you never remind him?  … Because he feels hopeless inherently in himself.  … I cannot tell. I see the signal. I know what it means  .. your DH is re-acting big time (assuming he is remembering ) Re-acting to you? re-acting to hiomself? re-acting to something  else?   Sorry.  Don’t know. You sound so *nice*  .. and so *directed*   .. I feel almost like a sugar attack <brrrr! The lethargy seems to be apathy. The apathy seems to bve because of being dragged through life rather than   .. mounting his own initiative which he has given up on because he feels that it will be *thwarted* by whatever  … internal, you, work, age .. ????? I don’t know. You asked  for advice. I gave it. Sorry if it seems brutish. That’s how I feel about it in this case. Cordially, RL

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – <snipped    Are you attempting to get anywhere with the ADD topic? Or are you merely satisfied with sniping at someone who is trying to touch many parts of the topic ’simultaneously’ and achieve something by it. Touching many parts *simultaneously* achieves nothing.  It merely confuses the issue. … No.   __" touching many parts *simultaneously* "__  means RECOGNIZING a single ITEM. This  one " ITEM " functions as a stand-in REPLACEMENT for all-of-the-parts which are INDEPENDENTLY touched SIMULTANEOUSLY. This is the concept of "Many as ONE", … a many-to-one mapping. Language contains a set of words. Dog House fun fast sad These word-thingies function like nodes, … like collect-alls There are many types of dogs  … many specific instances of "dog". What is significant is that all of these different things which are recognized to be ‘ dog ‘ are SOMEHOW, the "same" thing … This method doesn’t assist in resolving issues.  It doesn’t narrow things down, doesn’t help delineate where problems are nor which path to avoid so as not to make them worse.

Shrug.  It is what I do.     I have nothing to offer. Sorry, can’t focus on this ATM.  A friend of YD’s is here, and I’m watching A Walk To Remember with her, while reading here.  It’s at one of my favorite parts of the movie. Kitten

  Understandable.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – <snipped    Are you attempting to get anywhere with the ADD topic? Or are you merely satisfied with sniping at someone who is trying to touch many parts of the topic ’simultaneously’ and achieve something by it. Touching many parts *simultaneously* achieves nothing.  It merely confuses the issue. … No.   __" touching many parts *simultaneously* "__  means RECOGNIZING a single ITEM. This  one " ITEM " functions as a stand-in REPLACEMENT for all-of-the-parts which are INDEPENDENTLY touched SIMULTANEOUSLY. This is the concept of "Many as ONE", … a many-to-one mapping. Language contains a set of words. Dog House fun fast sad These word-thingies function like nodes, … like collect-alls There are many types of dogs  … many specific instances of "dog". What is significant is that all of these different things which are recognized to be ‘ dog ‘ are SOMEHOW, the "same" thing …

This method doesn’t assist in resolving issues.  It doesn’t narrow things down, doesn’t help delineate where problems are nor which path to avoid so as not to make them worse. Sorry, can’t focus on this ATM.  A friend of YD’s is here, and I’m watching A Walk To Remember with her, while reading here.  It’s at one of my favorite parts of the movie. Kitten

Response:

<snipped    Are you attempting to get anywhere with the ADD topic? Or are you merely satisfied with sniping at someone who is trying to touch many parts of the topic ’simultaneously’ and achieve something by it. Touching many parts *simultaneously* achieves nothing.  It merely confuses the issue. …

No.   __" touching many parts *simultaneously* "__  means RECOGNIZING a single ITEM. This  one " ITEM " functions as a stand-in REPLACEMENT for all-of-the-parts which are INDEPENDENTLY touched SIMULTANEOUSLY. This is the concept of "Many as ONE", … a many-to-one mapping. Language contains a set of words. Dog House fun fast sad These word-thingies function like nodes, … like collect-alls There are many types of dogs  … many specific instances of "dog". What is significant is that all of these different things which are recognized to be ‘ dog ‘ are SOMEHOW, the "same" thing … More important is the ’stuff’ that is implicitly apreciated and DELIBERATELY IGNORED and/or forgotten and/or discarded … All the things which we recognize as being "dog"   … Rover, Fido, ugly person, Irish Setter, etc, etc  ….   HAVE similar attributes. The commonality of the attributes which are covered by the label ‘ dog ‘  seem to remain, distinct, appropriate, and stable over time, INDEPENDENT,  … REGARDLESS of otherwise. Thus, a ‘dog’ is an object  … it is viable [for whatever the reason] beyond a specific instance ( Fred’s dog, Bowser … for an example of an ‘instance’ ) Recognizing and using ‘objects’ are the basis for ‘Objective Reality’, objectivity,     … science. There are many features and skills involved with "Objective thinking". My claim of being able to pick out   "All-as-one" is just one activity amongst many activitys. In the main, I do the "All-as-one" thing.  That takes up my life. … If you know science, you *know* that you cannot include too many variables into your work.  You have to narrow it down, have as many constants as possible while studying certain variables.

Being deliberately facetious, here …   Very true, one can never include enough variables …  The more the merrier. IRL, before discovering that I had ADD, I was building a reputation in science by demonstrating EXCACTLY this issue. Then you can change a constant and study those variables again, to see how those variables change under different influences.

And what one discovers when one works with a zillion variables/factors is that *only* one or two or three of those variables have INFLUENCE. All the remaining variables are inconsequential. Throwing out variables to simplify a problem … 1)  Dumps features that are of "No Regard", anyhow … 2)  Risks inadvertantly, dropping features which are important …    That is like "Throwing out the baby" and keeping the bathwater. It is a catastropic mistake because one is oblivious to knowing that it has happened. But you CANNOT try to study EVERYTHING at once.  That leads to utter confusion.  Which is what we see in so many of your posts – sheer and utter confusion.

Yes. There is confusion.  Also, a great deal of ungainliness, groping and stumbling around; not to mention, ‘tripping’ and falling flat on my face.   :-) AND WHAT YOU MISS … … Is that I seek and frequently find  the  ALL-AS-ONE characterization. HTH sincerely, RL P.S. All-as-one characterizations are just like anything else  …  Some are very useful.  Others are shoddy.   Most are spurious or artifactual or ___  … for whatever the reason ~~~ junk.

Response:

<snipped    Are you attempting to get anywhere with the ADD topic? Or are you merely satisfied with sniping at someone who is trying to touch many parts of the topic ’simultaneously’ and achieve something by it.

Touching many parts *simultaneously* achieves nothing.  It merely confuses the issue.  If you know science, you *know* that you cannot include too many variables into your work.  You have to narrow it down, have as many constants as possible while studying certain variables. Then you can change a constant and study those variables again, to see how those variables change under different influences. But you CANNOT try to study EVERYTHING at once.  That leads to utter confusion.  Which is what we see in so many of your posts – sheer and utter confusion. Kitten

Response:

RL, once again, try to grasp this – it isn’t all about you.  This is Anne’s thread, not yours.  You aren’t the judge of people around here.

Afraid, you’ve ‘cocked up’ on this one too, darling. This is how I think ~~~ http://tinyurl.com/mjcts   … Making serious decisions are close to well nigh impossible for me. I don’t judge people, I perceive people.  I care about "What is ___ ’s AWARENESS ?" You have stated on several occasions, now …   " RL, once again, try to grasp this – it isn’t all about you. " Very astute of you. You hit the nail square on the head. The ‘cock up’ concerns what you are infering from it. I understand how you think. Meaning … I am aware of your awareness.    And you dismiss me precisely because I am *clueless* RL is "Cluing in … ". RL is "Cluing in … ". RL is "Cluing in … ". RL is "Cluing in … ". RL is "Cluing in … ". RL is "Cluing in … ". RL is "Cluing in … ". RL is "Cluing in … ". RL is "Cluing in … ".    THAT is the story of my life. "What is ___ Ann’s ___  AWARENESS ?"   … professed no longer to ‘ hold ‘ regarding the Raving Loonie. THAT is "ADD" for you Anne!   … Keep reading and participating and you will learn about the good, the bad and the ugly of the condition and of ASAD. Adios Ann.

Response:

 … Keep reading and participating and you will learn about the good, the bad and the ugly of the condition and of ASAD.

And, of course, the alll-knowledgable RL is the only one who grasps the good, the bad and the ugly of the condition and of ASAD.  I need his guidance to figure it all out!  Not that I’ve lived it my whole life, nor been here since 1995.  Without you, RL, we’d all cease to exist.  Guide on (but no one’s following). — Ann e-mail address is not checked

Response:

 … Keep reading and participating and you will learn about the good, the bad and the ugly of the condition and of ASAD. And, of course, the alll-knowledgable RL is the only one who grasps the good, the bad and the ugly of the condition and of ASAD. …

Hogwash. My background is science. As with any topic, I know and understand whatever that *might be* . You are introducing the  ~ m o n o p o l y ~  observation. Here is why you do it:  My background is science.  ~~~  * any topic *  It means …  A specific example ~~~~~  abstract representation of all such things White house Fire station                ~~~~ A building Uncle Tom’s cabin "A Building" = monopoly = category = topic                   = abastraction = generalization = token = concept                   = OBJECT ( *think* of objectivity, here. )                     … as in "independent", free of context                         A.K.A.  REGARDLESS …  Guide on (but no one’s following).

Ain’t it the truth.  Basic reasearch is a lot of  grunt~&~sweat. Most inefficient …    Are you attempting to get anywhere with the ADD topic? Or are you merely satisfied with sniping at someone who is trying to touch many parts of the topic ’simultaneously’ and achieve something by it.

Response:

Hi Kitten, Thanks for writing back :-) I have been on the net for quite a while, so people don’t bother me, but thanks for letting me know :-)

You’re welcome.  I’ll try to reply back to your points later.  Right now, I’m running behind schedule, as usual.  I sat down to relax a bit and decided to finish my book, then I decided to check my NGs, and I still don’t have the new liner made for the old playpen we’re keeping 5 rescued goats in, here in our living room.  (The lamb kinda has free range of the house at night, since he’s my spoiled rotten "therapy lamb.") As you can probably tell, I’m a lot like your hubby in some ways.  I’d best go now and wake up YD, who’s napping after a dose of benadryl for a wasp sting.  She and I need to get all the feeding done and get ready to go into town in the next 45 minutes.  Chewy’s taking us out to dinner and a movie tonight!  And my kitchen’s still a disaster!! Take care! Kitten

Response:

Hi group, I have been browsing messages as of late because I would like to know what I can do to help my husband. He has had ADD since he was a child; he had ADHD then. I knew he had ADD when I started dating him, but it didn’t seem as much of a problem then. He doesn’t take any prescriptions to treat it and never has.

Some of us do, some of us don’t :o )  I’m in the ‘don’t’ camp. It is hard to live on his planet and myself and some of our friends have tried their best. He often can’t see the before and after effect he has on people. It is hard for me and our friends not to take things personally. We know he doesn’t mean it, but he doesn’t realize how many feelings are hurt. He often promises that things won’t repeat themselves, but invariably they do. He bought a PDA to keep him on track of things, but he doesn’t use it. He will get hyperfocused on doing something and gets angry when I suggest that he give it a break (ie, something is broken, it’s midnight and he has to be up for work at 6:30am).

That sounds pretty typical.  Kind of hard to deal with, but typical. I know he doesn’t isn’t being mean or malicious, but it is hard. He often feels hurt and rejected, but doesn’t recognize when something is inappropriate either. For example, I appreciate that he wants to hug me, but hugging me while I’m holding a boiling pot is not. I end up apologizing for his behaviour to our friends and neighbours all the time. I’m certainly not a prude or over-critical or have high standards or something, but he really does offend people by some of the things he says. For example, our neighbour is a pilot and he enthusiastically told her about that black box crash recording website. She was truly horrified and we’ve never been invited back to their place after that : Should we seek counselling? Are there any lifestyle changes that help ADD? Is drug treatment something to consider? He won’t really want to talk to our doctor it though.

Lifestyle changes-it takes a lifetime to figure out what changes to make.  Trial and error.  Mostly error.   He really should talk to the doctor, however.  He needs to get into counselling, and he needs to give meds a try.  Counselling, coaching, first.  He really needs to see and consider how ADHD shapes him, how it’s affected his life, contront it, and then figure out the best course to deal with it. I tried the meds, I found I didn’t like them, but not everyone feels that way.  Adult diagnosis here, I found the meds made by head too ‘quiet’.  But if you search a bit for messages from me you’ll see I’m not your typical ADHDr (I’m normal, it’s the rest of the NT world that’s weird <G) I hope I haven’t offended anyone with this post. I truly love my husband and appreciate the wondeful person that he is, and even his impulsiveness. I love him, but not his behaviour sometimes. I realize the way we live will always be "normal", but it would be nice if things were easier.

Absolutely no offense taken.  I’m sure my husband feels the same way about me sometimes.  I drive him crazy inthat I handle lots of input, I’ll have the TV on, I’ll be browsing newsgroups and talking to him – he can only handle one at a time <G!  I need background noise, he likes quiet, to concentrate (what the hell is that??!?)  I’ve calmed down quite a bit with age, however, I’m 50 now, with a little better perspective on growing up, evolving, as a person with ADHD.   See if you can’t encourage him into counselling, I think it’ll do him a world of good.  Good luck and let us know how things go. — Ann e-mail address is not checked

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi group, Hi, Anne, and welcome.  Don’t worry about the Ricardo guy who posted a response.  There are some folks who just don’t appreciate 1) the existence of ADHD and 2) ASAD’s direct approach in discussing ADHD issues. … Such as the direct assertion that a person who has ADD blathers out an endless stream of garbage that is useless at best and occasionally far more dangerous. Moreover, any effort to recognize and/or readress such ‘blanket dismissal’ is an insult to the good charactacter of the person who made such an uneqivocal denouncement and the ng, from which she has spoken. IMO, this is a fine example of ASAD’s ‘ existence ‘ and " ASAD’s direct approach in discussing ADHD issues ". Having ADD is not an excuse for being a stupid dork … * They are unsavory and unpleasant characacters who " deserve " all that have coming to them. * They are lazy bastards who only have themselves to blame for never doing anything. * Their protests about such ineptitude merely demonstrates that they are in denial. * They are a continuous embarrassment and insult to those with who they associate. My advice to you based upon the majority opinion of this ’support’ ng is simple: Dump your pathethic loser of an ADD husband. His pathological condition is lifelong and incurable. He is one sick puppy and will be a perpetual source of embarrassment and insult. BTW, Welcome to ASAD, the ’support group’  for those who are regularly ‘victimized’ by ADD dumb-asses. Cordially, RL

RL, once again, try to grasp this – it isn’t all about you.  This is Anne’s thread, not yours.  You aren’t the judge of people around here. — Ann e-mail address is not checked

Response:

t is hard to live on his planet and myself and some of our friends have tried their best. He often can’t see the before and after effect he has on people. It is hard for me and our friends not to take things personally. We know he doesn’t mean it, but he doesn’t realize how many feelings are hurt. He often promises that things won’t repeat themselves, but invariably they do. He bought a PDA to keep him on track of things, but he doesn’t use it. He will get hyperfocused on doing something and gets angry when I suggest that he give it a break (ie, something is broken, it’s midnight and he has to be up for work at 6:30am).

As the ADD partner in my marriage, I have a few thoughts. First, you are quite right that it is extremely important not to take things "personally", meaning don’t ascribe meaning to them that they don’t have.  An ADDer is not late because he doesn’t value his time as much as his own, for example.  He didn’t forget your birthday because he doesn’t love you.  Like that. On the other hand – he is still an adult in this marriage, and he needs to pull his weight.  It makes perfect sense to divide up responsibilities with his ADD in mind.  Certainly my H is *always* the person who holds the plane tickets!  But I worry that you say you do "everything."  ADD doesn’t excuse an adult from having any responsibilities. You and you H need to be able to negotiate a situation that works for both of you.  He needs to listen to your frustrations and make some changes if needed.  I recommend a book called "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" which includes an excellent section on how to negotiate successfully in marriage.

Response:

Hi group, Hi, Anne, and welcome.  Don’t worry about the Ricardo guy who posted a response.  There are some folks who just don’t appreciate 1) the existence of ADHD and 2) ASAD’s direct approach in discussing ADHD issues.

… Such as the direct assertion that a person who has ADD blathers out an endless stream of garbage that is useless at best and occasionally far more dangerous. Moreover, any effort to recognize and/or readress such ‘blanket dismissal’ is an insult to the good charactacter of the person who made such an uneqivocal denouncement and the ng, from which she has spoken. IMO, this is a fine example of ASAD’s ‘ existence ‘ and " ASAD’s direct approach in discussing ADHD issues ". Having ADD is not an excuse for being a stupid dork …  * They are unsavory and unpleasant characacters who " deserve " all that have coming to them.  * They are lazy bastards who only have themselves to blame for never doing anything.  * Their protests about such ineptitude merely demonstrates that they are in denial.  * They are a continuous embarrassment and insult to those with who they associate. My advice to you based upon the majority opinion of this ’support’ ng is simple: Dump your pathethic loser of an ADD husband. His pathological condition is lifelong and incurable. He is one sick puppy and will be a perpetual source of embarrassment and insult. BTW, Welcome to ASAD, the ’support group’  for those who are regularly ‘victimized’ by ADD dumb-asses. Cordially, RL — MothWrangler calmly and reasonably points out … ‘ …You know, I ignore about 99 out of a 100 of Raving’s posts, but my patience is thin when it comes to his diagnosing of T1,…’ ‘…Indeed. So should every poster’s every opinion be treated the same way?’ ‘… Tolerance should have limits. No everything should be tolerated. IMO, some opinions are so harmful, or unreasonable, or so absurd that they demand a response.’ Stovepipe calmly and patiently explains … RL, this is boardering on obsession. Let it go. You are making yourself ill over a simple statement. Apologise to MW and SumB and be done with it.  See http://tinyurl.com/hnvng and environ.

Response:

Hi Kitten, Thanks for writing back :-) I have been on the net for quite a while, so people don’t bother me, but thanks for letting me know :-) OK, ADHD and ADD are the same things and can be used interchangably.

Erf : Thanks for that information. I didn’t realize that there were that many different levels of ADD. I don’t know which level my husband has. He hasn’t been tested since I’ve known him. He grew up when ADD wasn’t known then. He thinks it runs in his family, however. His Dad is a very fidgety 60 year old! How does your family cope with that many characteristics? If he’s not showing as much obvious hyperactivity now as he did as a child, then either he’s learned some coping mechanisms to deal with that part or that part of his ADHD is manifesting in a less obvious way.

Hmm! It must be less obvious. He has had terrible lethargy in the past couple of years. I hate to say this, but from *my* perspective, part of this is due to his ADHD and part of it is due to the inflexibility of most NTs (neuro-typicals – people with "normal" neurology).

Yes, I would agree there. I don’t have very high expectations for him at all. The only high expectation I have of him is to be able to hold down a job. I don’t even expect him to take out the garbage or mow the lawn anymore. If I ask him nicely to do something, he’s either too tired to do it or says he will do it later…which is like three years later :-D I think doing everything and keeping him on schedule is wearing me down. A lot of people do not know that he has ADD, and I sometimes wish he would tell people why they need to be patient with him. I was more patient with him before we were married, but having to do everything myself has put a strain on this patience, sadly to say. If y’all are being flexible in your expectations from him and from each other, that will help in working with him to be more flexible in how he approaches things.  But some of his behaviors probably will never change.  Some of them y’all will have to accept as being "just the way he is."

Yup, I pretty have accepted a lot of them, but I can’t accept his unreliability just yet. There was one older post that I read on this NG that said that ADDers misjudge the amount of time they need, and oh, is that ever true! I mentioned this to him after I read it. LOL… sounds familiar.  I wonder just what my son did with his PDA. For that matter, I wonder what I did with that nifty little planner I bought that did soooo well for me… for 5 days.

Hee hee! I thought it would sound familiar. What do you use to keep a schedule? He will get hyperfocused on doing something and gets angry when I suggest that he give it a break (ie, something is broken, it’s midnight and he has to be up for work at 6:30am). This is probably a combination of a couple of things – 1) his reaction to suggestions such as this, usually based on how it was approached as he was growing up, and 2) the way in which you make the suggestions.

You are bang on about this. Admittedly, I am still learning about how he was treated as child. I was never treated that way, so it is harder for me to understand. Also, I don’t know what will touch him off. We had an argument once, and I just happened to grab his arm to get him to pay attention to me. He ended up running out the door and driving off for half an hour. So yes, you are right about not responding well : He was treated badly growing up. He got into a lot of fights and switched schools a lot. He was either retarded or gifted depending on what the school thought. His parents didn’t seek treatment because they told him that drugs would always be a crutch and that he would never learn to cope with it. I’m not sure if he has learned to cope with it. I think he has gone through most of his life thinking that he would be a loser and a screw-up; and I hate it that he thinks about himself this way, because I don’t see him that way. I try not to be too critical and be as gentle as I can, but sometimes I’m not. I don’t think he listens well either way, actually. I definitely know that nagging doesn’t work, but making to-do lists doesn’t either. Of course, insufficient sleep plays into this.  If he’s not getting enough sleep, then like anyone else, he’s not going to react as well as he would otherwise.

Indeed! He often hyperfocuses at the computer and doesn’t go to bed until 2am, so sometimes he is running on little sleep. He has gone to bed at 6pm and slept for twelve hours straight. His sleeping is pretty irregular and I suggested to him that maybe he should go to a sleep clinic. We don’t share a bed btw; we can’t afford a queen. Believe it or not, that is part of what I think played into the decline of my first marriage.  Early on in the marriage, my ex would come up behind me while I was cooking, while I was cutting things, while I was washing knives, etc – and would be hurt and puzzled that I’d try to shrug off his hugs while I was handling something dangerous.

Yup…my DH always says "I’ll just leave you alone in the kitchen". I kind of dislike it when he says that, because I don’t mind him being in the kitchen, just as he keeps his hands to himself :-) Heheh! Actually, sometimes I wonder  how much of it is a guy thing and an ADD thing myself :-D I’m glad I’m not the only one :-) With Chewy (my NT hubby), I’ve learned to say, "Just a minute, let me set this down" or something similar, as GENTLY as I can manage (depends on how much stuff I’ve to do, how tired I am, etc), set aside what I’m working on, then turn around and give him a hug and a kiss.

Oh wow, that is such a good idea! I will have to be more observant and try to do that myself. Thanks so much for suggesting that. What was it he said about the site that offended her?  This may just be my ADD brain, but if I were a pilot, I’d want to know about a site where I may be able to learn about pilot errors that resulted in crashes.  Extra "training," IYKWIM.  To me, it pays to have extra insight into things that may go wrong and a plan on how to approach those things if they ever happen.

Well, our neighbours have two small children, and I don’t think the wife really likes to think about becoming a widow :. She told him that she didn’t want to hear it, but he kept going on and on. He has trouble listening and, heheh, paying attention :-D Maybe her husband has had a few near misses too. Counselling can be good for anyone, with or without ADHD.  For marriage issues, though, I’ve found that I prefer something more along the lines of "marriage fitness training."  It helps you strengthen your marriage, which in turn gives each of you more tools to work on the challenges of living together and loving each other.

I forgot to mention that we did take a pre-marriage course through his church, but I don’t think it really prepared us very well. I haven’t heard of marriage fitness training, but I will look into it :-) :-)  Easy would be nice.  But I’ve discovered that every time I think life’s going to get easier, a new challenge comes along.  That’s just the way life is.

Oh yes :-) The challenges certainly never stop. We have been through a lot together, with debt and being laid off. I guess if this is all I have to worry about now I should be thankful! Keep appreciating the wonderful aspects of your husband and work *together* on the challenging parts of living with one another.  Too many people lose sight of the things they love about each other, focusing instead completely on the challenges.  That can kill a marriage.

Thanks Kitten, it has helped a lot :-) I probably should have come here or joined some other support group a long time ago. You have really given me a lot of things to think about. Thanks again, Anne

Response:

If you’re looking for ADD support her, fuggetaboutit…   ;-)

| Hi group, | | I have been browsing messages as of late because I would like to know | what I can do to help my husband. He has had ADD since he was a child; | he had ADHD then. I knew he had ADD when I started dating him, but it | didn’t seem as much of a problem then. He doesn’t take any | prescriptions to treat it and never has. | | It is hard to live on his planet and myself and some of our friends | have tried their best. He often can’t see the before and after effect | he has on people. It is hard for me and our friends not to take things | personally. We know he doesn’t mean it, but he doesn’t realize how many | feelings are hurt. He often promises that things won’t repeat | themselves, but invariably they do. He bought a PDA to keep him on | track of things, but he doesn’t use it. He will get hyperfocused on | doing something and gets angry when I suggest that he give it a break | (ie, something is broken, it’s midnight and he has to be up for work at | 6:30am). | | I know he doesn’t isn’t being mean or malicious, but it is hard. He | often feels hurt and rejected, but doesn’t recognize when something is | inappropriate either. For example, I appreciate that he wants to hug | me, but hugging me while I’m holding a boiling pot is not. I end up | apologizing for his behaviour to our friends and neighbours all the | time. I’m certainly not a prude or over-critical or have high standards | or something, but he really does offend people by some of the things he | says. For example, our neighbour is a pilot and he enthusiastically | told her about that black box crash recording website. She was truly | horrified and we’ve never been invited back to their place after that | : | | Should we seek counselling? Are there any lifestyle changes that help | ADD? Is drug treatment something to consider? He won’t really want to | talk to our doctor it though. | | I hope I haven’t offended anyone with this post. I truly love my | husband and appreciate the wondeful person that he is, and even his | impulsiveness. I love him, but not his behaviour sometimes. I realize | the way we live will always be "normal", but it would be nice if things | were easier. | | Thank you, | Anne |

Response:

Hi group,

Hi, Anne, and welcome.  Don’t worry about the Ricardo guy who posted a response.  There are some folks who just don’t appreciate 1) the existence of ADHD and 2) ASAD’s direct approach in discussing ADHD issues. I have been browsing messages as of late because I would like to know what I can do to help my husband. He has had ADD since he was a child; he had ADHD then. I knew he had ADD when I started dating him, but it didn’t seem as much of a problem then. He doesn’t take any prescriptions to treat it and never has.

OK, ADHD and ADD are the same things and can be used interchangably. There are three recognized sub-types of ADHD:  ADHD-primarily hyperactive, ADHD-primarily inattentive, and ADHD-combined.  There are nine characteristics for ADHD-H and nine for ADHD-I.  A person needs to exhibit 6 of 9 in a particular sub-type, at a level that is causing problems in their lives, for a diagnosis of that sub-type.  ADHD-C, as it sounds, is a combination of the two other sub-types, so the person has characteristics from both of the other two sub-types.  (My family has all 18 characteristics.  What fun! :-/ ) If he’s not showing as much obvious hyperactivity now as he did as a child, then either he’s learned some coping mechanisms to deal with that part or that part of his ADHD is manifesting in a less obvious way. It is hard to live on his planet and myself and some of our friends have tried their best. He often can’t see the before and after effect he has on people. It is hard for me and our friends not to take things personally. We know he doesn’t mean it, but he doesn’t realize how many feelings are hurt. He often promises that things won’t repeat themselves, but invariably they do.

I hate to say this, but from *my* perspective, part of this is due to his ADHD and part of it is due to the inflexibility of most NTs (neuro-typicals – people with "normal" neurology).  IME, most NTs expect everyone else to think and to function the way they do.  Not happenin’!  If y’all are being flexible in your expectations from him and from each other, that will help in working with him to be more flexible in how he approaches things.  But some of his behaviors probably will never change.  Some of them y’all will have to accept as being "just the way he is." He bought a PDA to keep him on track of things, but he doesn’t use it.

LOL… sounds familiar.  I wonder just what my son did with his PDA. For that matter, I wonder what I did with that nifty little planner I bought that did soooo well for me… for 5 days. He will get hyperfocused on doing something and gets angry when I suggest that he give it a break (ie, something is broken, it’s midnight and he has to be up for work at 6:30am).

This is probably a combination of a couple of things – 1) his reaction to suggestions such as this, usually based on how it was approached as he was growing up, and 2) the way in which you make the suggestions. How were things like this approached by his parents, the school(s) he went to, etc?  I find that I tend to have emotional reactions to certain things that I probably *shouldn’t* have quite so much reaction to, based on experiences when I was growing up.  If my husband, children, or someone else approaches something in a manner that subconsciously reminds me of a hurtful situation in the past, I often don’t respond well.  It’s taken me becoming more aware of why I react the ways I do, sitting down with my husband and kiddos to talk to them about it, and them working to approach things in a different way while I work on reacting in a different way. Of course, insufficient sleep plays into this.  If he’s not getting enough sleep, then like anyone else, he’s not going to react as well as he would otherwise. I know he doesn’t isn’t being mean or malicious, but it is hard. He often feels hurt and rejected, but doesn’t recognize when something is inappropriate either. For example, I appreciate that he wants to hug me, but hugging me while I’m holding a boiling pot is not.

LOL… this sounds SOOOOO familiar!  I really think that’s a "guy thing" and not an ADHD thing.  Believe it or not, that is part of what I think played into the decline of my first marriage.  Early on in the marriage, my ex would come up behind me while I was cooking, while I was cutting things, while I was washing knives, etc – and would be hurt and puzzled that I’d try to shrug off his hugs while I was handling something dangerous. With Chewy (my NT hubby), I’ve learned to say, "Just a minute, let me set this down" or something similar, as GENTLY as I can manage (depends on how much stuff I’ve to do, how tired I am, etc), set aside what I’m working on, then turn around and give him a hug and a kiss.  He’s actually getting to where he notices more what I’m doing and holding back a bit on the affection when I’m in the middle of something that’s going to make me nervous if he hugs me from behind.  But it’s taken time for us to get to that point. I end up apologizing for his behaviour to our friends and neighbours all the time. I’m certainly not a prude or over-critical or have high standards or something, but he really does offend people by some of the things he says. For example, our neighbour is a pilot and he enthusiastically told her about that black box crash recording website. She was truly horrified and we’ve never been invited back to their place after that :

What was it he said about the site that offended her?  This may just be my ADD brain, but if I were a pilot, I’d want to know about a site where I may be able to learn about pilot errors that resulted in crashes.  Extra "training," IYKWIM.  To me, it pays to have extra insight into things that may go wrong and a plan on how to approach those things if they ever happen. Should we seek counselling? Are there any lifestyle changes that help ADD? Is drug treatment something to consider? He won’t really want to talk to our doctor it though.

Counselling can be good for anyone, with or without ADHD.  For marriage issues, though, I’ve found that I prefer something more along the lines of "marriage fitness training."  It helps you strengthen your marriage, which in turn gives each of you more tools to work on the challenges of living together and loving each other. I hope I haven’t offended anyone with this post. I truly love my husband and appreciate the wondeful person that he is, and even his impulsiveness. I love him, but not his behaviour sometimes. I realize the way we live will always be "normal", but it would be nice if things were easier.

:-)  Easy would be nice.  But I’ve discovered that every time I think life’s going to get easier, a new challenge comes along.  That’s just the way life is. Keep appreciating the wonderful aspects of your husband and work *together* on the challenging parts of living with one another.  Too many people lose sight of the things they love about each other, focusing instead completely on the challenges.  That can kill a marriage.   HTH, Kitten

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