Act Acting » Method Acting » Wife is gonna drop the bomb (warning … Long)

Wife is gonna drop the bomb (warning … Long)

Question:

Just to try to clarify Heretics concerns about domestic violence: there NEVER has been, never WILL be ANY incidents of violence in our marriage. Ever. And I’ll bet the ranch on that one. …

Take care on this issue. If you become angry, she can "brand" you as potentially violent because you are male. This can harm you in any divorce process. Roy

Response:

Perhaps try another counsellor, someone a little better.

Response:

Hi folks, Here goes … the proverbial cry for help!

Too little, too late, pal. Hope you learned something. This ones tough for me… I have a ‘feeling’ that my wife is about to drop ‘the bomb’ on me very soon. (Asking for divorce)

You could try asking her if that’s what she has in mind. The crazy thing is we’ve barely talked ‘Divorce’, and lately we’ve been trying so hard to keep things smooth at home that nothing gets addressed.

That might be very wise. If things are that stressed out, communication is just not possible, and one of both of you probably aren’t ready to listen anyway. Matters can get out of hand, and we don’t need you to go day-trader. Listen, sometimes you just gotta live through things, and there is no easy way to get through it, you gotta suffer. the thing is, are you going to gain from this, or are you going to get all defensive and externalize blame? That is common, and that is why things so often get out of control. You fucked up. Deal with it. Learn what you did wrong, and don’t make the same mistake twice. If you try to build up your ego by externalizing blame on her, you WILL make the same mistake over and over. But first you need some time to piss and moan, cry and snivel. Have a tantrum, take the Fifth (JD or Wild Turkey), just don’t hurt anyone but yourself. Don’t rush into another relationship to retaliate. In the past when I would try to talk to her she stonewalled

Have you thought about how maybe she "stonewalled" because she had learned that communication was impossible? But this is interesting. and I would respond by getting frustrated/angy and start yelling (its painful to even write it… imagine the effect in must have had on her… )

Actually, it’s a bit odd; usually it’s the man who stonewalls and the woman who yells. Hmm. But this method, as you learned, is counterproductive. All it does is ensure that the stonewaller NEVER opens up. Stonewalling is a passive-aggressive method. Not much you CAN do, really. That’s why it’s so effective! I’m 40, Shes 33, Our beautiful son is 3. None of the "4 A"s

apply. You sure about that? Don’t bet the rent! We separated briefly in Dec. cause I found out she was confiding everything about our lives to an ex-boyfriend, while we were emotionally cut off from each other. It hurt so bad, that she felt HE would have all the answers … And all the time she had denied that she was even talking to

him. How did you "find out"? By snooping? ARe you sure that she actually denied talking to him, or was that your idea? So for months I became more confused and upset cause with the denials I really didnt know what was going on, and I started acting more and more like an idiot.

I see. And how does that make you feel? We have have been to a couple of counselling sessions, but its been frustrating cause nothing seems to get addressed.

VERY interesting. Maybe YOUR issues aren’t being addressed, and you don’t see any significance in the areas that are being addressed. Have you mentioned this to the counselor? BTW, a counselor I had for a teacher said that by the time couples get to counseling, all you can do is decrease the casualty rate .. I think things are so far gone she doesnt see any point in discussing them.

Could be. IN which case it’s time to deal with reality and try to decrease the damage. If she wants out, you can’t force her to stay. She told ’someone’ after our first session that it was CLEARER THAN EVER in her mind she should divorce me (I’m not supposed to

know) Snooping again? and you wonder why she has no faith in you? … and still hasnt said a word to me about it ….. thats how far gone things are! Her family supports her completely (as well they should I guess). …But this is SO HARD!

Yeah, it is. It’s hard to face the fact you fucked up. Isn’t much easier for her, either. So are you going to deal with this gracefully, or act like a toddler with a Tec 9? She is so removed emotionally from me…. and its killing me.

So what? YOU are responsible for YOUR feelings. So right now I’m on the old emotional rollercoaster … (When does the other shoe drop?) The therapist is no help (talks about ‘yin and yang’ and says we just ‘have to fine tune things’ our marriage!!!!) My wife is afraid I’m going to lose it completely and start yelling at her again (the cause of most of our problems)

And so why do you wonder why she wants out? Why would anyone want to live with someone who attacks them? How many times have you used physical force on her? Deal honestly with yourself. I’m determined to somehow get to a ‘better place’ with myself

.. Fine, do so. Take responsibility for yourself, and don’t expect her or anyone else to be in charge of your emotions. If you aren’t in control of yourself, get help, before your son is an orphan, or all three of you are dead. Such things are VERY common. I’m serious as a myocardial infarction here, if you have any weapons, GET RID OF THEM NOW, and if you feel ANY willingness to use force, get yourself locked up. I’ve sworn to myself (it wouldnt do any good to tell her — its too late for that) NEVER to raise my voice to her.

Well, you did. Why should she think that you changed your spots, Leopardo di Castrati? You are aware that most women who are murdered are murdered by spouses, and a woman is most likely to be killed – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -And to think I was one of these people that actually thought they were a ‘nice guy’! … What a jerk! But I know now that I’ve lost a life together with a beautiful woman and son that I dearly love. What a waste. And I know now how badly I’ve hurt her, now its my turn. Sorry for the babble, but (like many people here I guess) I’ve been operating on VERY little sleep for 3 months. I’m reading everything I can to find out what went wrong …. (other than total communication breakdown and me being a smothering, loud mouth idiot) … I guess all I wanna know is: WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR THIS TRAGEDY? Any help, kind words of support, and offers to just shoot me are greatly appreciated … (Oh man!! I’m really hurting, and scared for my little guy. This really is killing me…..) Chris And sorry to be so long winded.

* Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!

Response:

Kathryn. Shush girl. People with find out that there really are aliens here. LOL Bildo

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Maybe print a copy of what you wrote and let her read it. Maybe if she sees something out of you other then anger, she might try to talk to you. Admitting to being a jerk is not always that easy. Admitting it to her will be harder, but maybe due. Cool! Bildo – I Love You! Best – Fido (Fido must explain – he means love in the Pluto-nic way!) I guess, keeping in line with the new Gary Shandling movie, we know what planet *you’re* from! |Kathy Litherland | People make their own history, but No hacemos el amor;|Dept. of Anthro | they do not make it under El nos hace |U. of Illinois | circumstances of their own choosing

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Maybe print a copy of what you wrote and let her read it. Maybe if she sees something out of you other then anger, she might try to talk to you. Admitting to being a jerk is not always that easy. Admitting it to her will be harder, but maybe due. Cool! Bildo – I Love You! Best – Fido (Fido must explain – he means love in the Pluto-nic way!)

Response:

To Roy, Stuart, Mandy, Heretic, and everyone else: Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my post. I’m re-reading your thoughful replies and will post again soon to touch on anything brought up that needs to be answered. It really helps to know people care. Right now I’m working on myself to heal our relationship to the point that even if we dont go on in life together, our son can at least know that his parents never hated each other, and can co-operate as ‘grown ups’. That means tearing down my negative thought process, insecurities and fear of letting her go that causes her to shut down. I’m tired of feeling this way, and seeing the effect it was having on her. Just to try to clarify Heretics concerns about domestic violence: there NEVER has been, never WILL be ANY incidents of violence in our marriage. Ever. And I’ll bet the ranch on that one. … But its valid to bring up the point that very real danger exists in many relationships. So I understand why you mentioned it. Take care everybody! Chris <snip-o-dilla

Response:

Hi Chris, What Bildo suggests below, about printing your post and letting her read it, is pretty good. I have a ‘feeling’ that my wife is about to drop ‘the bomb’ on me very soon. (Asking for divorce) The crazy thing is we’ve barely talked ‘Divorce’,

Often one party is well down the path before the other realizes what is happening or, worst of all, gets hits with it! You have a bit of advance warning and can both prepare yourself (get legal advice) and do some damage control in the relationship to see if there is any hope. and lately we’ve been trying so hard to keep things smooth at home that nothing gets addressed.

Nothing wrong with a bit of exchange of opinions, as long as there is no abuse involved. Even raised voices are acceptable on occasion, as long as you both stay on the issues and never, never get to name calling type abuse (a staple in my first marriage). In the past when I would try to talk to her she stonewalled

She might just have been thinking! She might have needed time to formulate a careful response. It sound like you are very different Personality Types (Myers-Briggs) and that your communication methods differ, but this is addressable! and I would respond by getting frustrated/angy and start yelling

My ex-wife used to do this, but it was all abusive. On the rare occasions that my second wife yells at me, she always stays on the issues! (its painful to even write it… imagine the effect in must have had on her… )

Apologise afterwards without getting back into the argument! We separated briefly in Dec. cause I found out she was confiding everything about our lives to an ex-boyfriend, while we were emotionally cut off from each other.

I hate the ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend thing. I’m patently uncool, but what are these people still doing in your lives? There wasn’t enough to have an ongoing relationship but they’re still around for intimate advice? Sorry, I’m not into this at all. It hurt so bad, that she felt HE would have all the answers … And all the time she had denied that she was even talking to him.

Now this is a worry. Without winding you up, do they have unfinished business? DON’T mention this, but her personal trust in him must detract from your relationship. All he has to do is listen and you’re going to look bad. How can you listen, when she isn’t telling you what she’s thinking? So for months I became more confused and upset cause with the denials I really didnt know what was going on, and I started acting more and more like an idiot.

I completely understand you on this one. The idea of an ex who continues as a friend, while being married to someone who is ultimately dispensable gives me the creeps! No-one will agree with this politically incorrect stance though. I’m grateful to my second wife for making a concession to me on this point when we first got together. I’m pathologically insecure and it removed something that troubled me deeply. We have have been to a couple of counselling sessions, but its been frustrating cause nothing seems to get addressed. I think things are so far gone she doesnt see any point in discussing them.

What are the issues? I’m still unclear as to what her issues are! She told ’someone’ after our first session that it was CLEARER THAN EVER in her mind she should divorce me (I’m not supposed to know)

That’s pretty conclusive. Please ask her what the issues are for her and why she isn’t happy in your marriage. Just listen and don’t respond, but take note of what she says. At the very least, it might be valuable information for the future (wherever you end up). Tell her that you love her and that you want to work things out. Her family supports her completely (as well they should I guess). ..But this is SO HARD!

They should, but it does sound as though all the forces are rallied against you. Get a lawyer and do it quietly. She is so removed emotionally from me…. and its killing me.

[SNIP] My wife is afraid I’m going to lose it completely and start yelling at her again (the cause of most of our problems)

DON’T! If you can’t cope, walk away. Write her a letter and hand it to her! Give her time to respond. Don’t freeze her out either. No yelling and definitely no abuse! The desire for peace can be a big motivator. I’m determined to somehow get to a ‘better place’ with myself … I’ve sworn to myself (it wouldnt do any good to tell her — its too late for that) NEVER to raise my voice to her.

You’re there already. Okay, there’s goes my previous paragraph. You can’t swear NEVER to, just stop and apologise if you do! And to think I was one of these people that actually thought they were a ‘nice guy’! … What a jerk!

You sound exasperated, which is understandable. You need to know what the problems are (if you don’t already). But I know now that I’ve lost a life together with a beautiful woman and son that I dearly love. What a waste.

Not yet, but you need to do something. The age gap is a problem and it’s no wonder that you feel insecure and also have to make concessions to your young wife. What can you do for her? What does she want out of the marriage? Get a babysitter and ask her out for dinner! Try to bridge the communication gap: whether things are going to continue or not, this can’t hurt. You have a child together, but the marriage has a life of its own too. Don’t separate again if you can help it. Best regards, Ian

Response:

Maybe print a copy of what you wrote and let her read it. Maybe if she sees something out of you other then anger, she might try to talk to you. Admitting to being a jerk is not always that easy. Admitting it to her will be harder, but maybe due.

Cool! Bildo – I Love You! Best – Fido (Fido must explain – he means love in the Pluto-nic way!) * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!

Response:

Too bad. Hang in there. We have all survived it, and you will too. norm

Response:

Hello chris, I read your long message and held it very dear. Hoping maybe my husband can see things someday the way you do. Anyway as far as being prepared you cant!! I thought i could. My husband and i decided in december to get divorced although he wants it more than I ever dreamed, i just want him back. But anyway we finally moved out on january 21st and have been seperated one month. Although he still hasnt filed, which i dont know why. I try almost everyday in every way to persuade him how much love we had when he says we had none. I guess he had lost his love for me and isnt ready to admit it. We went through alot but I still thought it was do-able. We could love until we cried together even during sex!!! lol. I thought what we had was very special. and now lok where i am,. groveling to the man who swore his heart to me always. I thought i could prepare myself too. That if we were open and honest and everything and tried to be great friends things would be so much better. Well they were while we lived together, our relationship was the best it had been in a long while. We helped each other pack up and was there to cry on each others shoulders but as soon as that day came he was making promises to the last moment that would ould find each other again, but as soon as he moving was done….he put up his heart of stone! He makes jokes about getting divorced and ’sueing’ me has even threatned a custody battle which was never an issue!! He says at the end we didnt have anythng, and that hurts the most because it is just a cold bloody lie!! We had more love than alot of people ever find! Anyway sorry to ramble on…I am still sorting things out and going through the stages, must be stages like with grief of death right? anyway, i just wanted to add my 2 sense even if it dont make much sense. But , if she dont bring it up you need to. Dont live in limbo, like I am doing now. It prolongs the pain so nobody can be happy. I know it is hard to let go, I still dont know how…how do you stop loving somebody just because they stopped loving you?? I dont know. But, feel free to write to me or anbody. I am struggling through a brand new world and would love to know i am not alone. god bless, mandy

Response:

Several of your words are real red flags, IMHO. If she is stonewalling, and not engaging with you, then that does not bode well for the marriage. In that sense, your premonition is correct – you’re in trouble. Roy is right – take care of yourself. Exercise, see a therapist to talk about your feelings; confide in a close friend. If you aren’t sure you *have* a close friend, take a chance and talk to someone who you think will listen well. And try compassionate honesty. If something comes up that is hot (ie "You’re always saying…") try responding in a less dogmatic and confrontational way (ie "I know that makes you angry, and I want to find ways to decrease that"). If at all possible, stick with it in couples therapy. She may be gone, but she may come back. Good luck. Tim

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi folks, Here goes … the proverbial cry for help! This ones tough for me… I have a ‘feeling’ that my wife is about to drop ‘the bomb’ on me very soon. (Asking for divorce) The crazy thing is we’ve barely talked ‘Divorce’, and lately we’ve been trying so hard to keep things smooth at home that nothing gets addressed. In the past when I would try to talk to her she stonewalled and I would respond by getting frustrated/angy and start yelling (its painful to even write it… imagine the effect in must have had on her… ) I’m 40, Shes 33, Our beautiful son is 3. None of the "4 A"s apply. We separated briefly in Dec. cause I found out she was confiding everything about our lives to an ex-boyfriend, while we were emotionally cut off from each other. It hurt so bad, that she felt HE would have all the answers … And all the time she had denied that she was even talking to him. So for months I became more confused and upset cause with the denials I really didnt know what was going on, and I started acting more and more like an idiot. We have have been to a couple of counselling sessions, but its been frustrating cause nothing seems to get addressed. I think things are so far gone she doesnt see any point in discussing them. She told ’someone’ after our first session that it was CLEARER THAN EVER in her mind she should divorce me (I’m not supposed to know) .. and still hasnt said a word to me about it ….. thats how far gone things are! Her family supports her completely (as well they should I guess). ..But this is SO HARD! She is so removed emotionally from me…. and its killing me. So right now I’m on the old emotional rollercoaster … (When does the other shoe drop?) The therapist is no help (talks about ‘yin and yang’ and says we just ‘have to fine tune things’ our marriage!!!!) My wife is afraid I’m going to lose it completely and start yelling at her again (the cause of most of our problems) I’m determined to somehow get to a ‘better place’ with myself … I’ve sworn to myself (it wouldnt do any good to tell her — its too late for that) NEVER to raise my voice to her. And to think I was one of these people that actually thought they were a ‘nice guy’! … What a jerk! But I know now that I’ve lost a life together with a beautiful woman and son that I dearly love. What a waste. And I know now how badly I’ve hurt her, now its my turn. Sorry for the babble, but (like many people here I guess) I’ve been operating on VERY little sleep for 3 months. I’m reading everything I can to find out what went wrong …. (other than total communication breakdown and me being a smothering, loud mouth idiot) … I guess all I wanna know is: WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR THIS TRAGEDY? Any help, kind words of support, and offers to just shoot me are greatly appreciated … (Oh man!! I’m really hurting, and scared for my little guy. This really is killing me…..) Chris And sorry to be so long winded.

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Hi folks, Here goes … the proverbial cry for help! This ones tough for me… I have a ‘feeling’ that my wife is about to drop ‘the bomb’ on me very soon. (Asking for divorce) The crazy thing is we’ve barely talked ‘Divorce’, and lately we’ve been trying so hard to keep things smooth at home that nothing gets addressed. In the past when I would try to talk to her she stonewalled and I would respond by getting frustrated/angy and start yelling (its painful to even write it… imagine the effect in must have had on her… ) I’m 40, Shes 33, Our beautiful son is 3. None of the "4 A"s apply. We separated briefly in Dec. cause I found out she was confiding everything about our lives to an ex-boyfriend, while we were emotionally cut off from each other. It hurt so bad, that she felt HE would have all the answers … And all the time she had denied that she was even talking to him. So for months I became more confused and upset cause with the denials I really didnt know what was going on, and I started acting more and more like an idiot. We have have been to a couple of counselling sessions, but its been frustrating cause nothing seems to get addressed. I think things are so far gone she doesnt see any point in discussing them. She told ’someone’ after our first session that it was CLEARER THAN EVER in her mind she should divorce me (I’m not supposed to know) .. and still hasnt said a word to me about it ….. thats how far gone things are! Her family supports her completely (as well they should I guess). ..But this is SO HARD! She is so removed emotionally from me…. and its killing me. So right now I’m on the old emotional rollercoaster … (When does the other shoe drop?) The therapist is no help (talks about ‘yin and yang’ and says we just ‘have to fine tune things’ our marriage!!!!) My wife is afraid I’m going to lose it completely and start yelling at her again (the cause of most of our problems) I’m determined to somehow get to a ‘better place’ with myself … I’ve sworn to myself (it wouldnt do any good to tell her — its too late for that) NEVER to raise my voice to her. And to think I was one of these people that actually thought they were a ‘nice guy’! … What a jerk! But I know now that I’ve lost a life together with a beautiful woman and son that I dearly love. What a waste. And I know now how badly I’ve hurt her, now its my turn. Sorry for the babble, but (like many people here I guess) I’ve been operating on VERY little sleep for 3 months. I’m reading everything I can to find out what went wrong …. (other than total communication breakdown and me being a smothering, loud mouth idiot) … I guess all I wanna know is: WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR THIS TRAGEDY? Any help, kind words of support, and offers to just shoot me are greatly appreciated … (Oh man!! I’m really hurting, and scared for my little guy. This really is killing me…..) Chris And sorry to be so long winded

Hi Chris, Sorry you’re having to go through all this – and yes, many here have been/are in similar situations. For what it’s worth, questions that I find useful for myself each day are ‘What do I want here?’ (as opposed to ‘What do I not want?’) and asking myself ‘What can I do to help get that?’ What I mean is that it’s SO easy to just get overwhelmed by so many intense emotions that you lose track of the things you CAN actually influence – ie. you might feel like shit, but YOU can decide what that means for you (die in the corner or take it as a sign to do something different). Small steps, each day. It will get better. Paul

Response:

Chris, I am so sorry for your current situation. I have recently separated from my wife of 15 years and our three beautiful children and I know how hard your fears are eating at you right now. If you have any assistance through your company health plan, get yourself into see a psychologist as soon as possible. It will help more than you can know. Also stay here and post questions or just vent as need be. The people here have been a tremendous source of support in so many ways that I find it hard to express my feelings of gratitude and love for them in words. Continue to work on you as much as possible. You are the one you will have to live with no matter what happens and I truly hope that a healing will take place in your marriage. There is still time as long as and even after the bomb drops to make a difference that could save everything you hold dear. You have taken the complete blame for this on your shoulders so far in your writing. Remember that there are always two sides to everything and sometimes three. (what we believe is true, what they believe is true and the truth). It took me quite awhile to find reason to not take all the blame for my impending divorce even though she had committed adultery. It’s sometimes hard when you love someone that much to find fault. Be honest with yourself and with your wife. Pray hard about your personal change and for your marriage. Let her know that you do NOT want to get a divorce if that is your true desire. Let her see how hard you are working to discover who you are and who you want to be. Change is hard, but if you truly desire a change in your life than there is every reason to believe that with personal honesty and good a good therapist you CAN make a positive lasting change in yourself. As far as changing others… don’t even try. I went through 16 years of having someone try and change me and she just became more miserable the longer things went on and so did I. I thought that things were not that bad, but I was not looking with honesty at our lives and what we were doing to each other. It has only been three weeks since we separated and while I know there will still be hard days ahead, I am feeling better than I have in years and I know that she is feeling the same. Follow Roy’s advice and get lots of exercise and burn off the tensions of each day. Spend time reading or doing some other quiet activity that is personally satisfying to you. And anytime you feel the pressure is just too great, call a good friend whom you can trust and confide in, or simply come here and tell us how your days are going. It is never easy and while I pray that you will find a reconciliation in your marriage, that may not happen. It takes two to want to save the marriage, so remember to save yourself if nothing else and take care of your kid. Take care of yourself and know that I am praying for you, Stuart

Response:

Chris, I and a lot the "dumpees" have been exactly where you are now. The handwriting is on the wall. I echo Roy’s advice and would add this: 1. See a family-law lawyer ASAP. Many have low or no initial consult fees. 2. Try to calmly tell you wife what you have just told us. You have nothing to lose by laying your cards on the table, even if she say’s its over. 3. If that is what she says, then this is the question: "Is there anything I can say or do to change your mind?" and listen to the answer. If she tells you what she wants, say "I’ll try." "No" means its over. "I don’t know" means continue counselling. 4.. If its not to late, try to get a more aggressive counsellor, one who is willing to try and tear things apart and rebuild your relationship. 5. Consider how to segregate your financial affairs, in case of a property split. If you have a joint accounts, consider whether to set up individual accounts. 6. If living in the house becomes to painful, rent an efficiency or one-BR apartment, not as your residence, but as a "safe" house, for a little R&R. 7. Lastly, I’ve heard guys say, "I wish I’d had the guts to say it first. I was afraid to say it, ’cause I’d feel guilty and look bad." So consider, do *you* wnat to stay married to a woman who treat you this way? If not, say so.

Response:

Chris, I’m sorry you are having to go through this. We have all been in your situation in one form or another. Here is my best advice: There is no sense trying to figure out what went wrong. It is time to figure out what to do now. Time to look forward. Take you pain outside at night and hug a big tree in the back yard. Get lots of exercise. Pamper yourself in small ways. Get lots and lots of exercise. Do NOT move out of the house. Do NOT let her remove the kid from the house. Start studying up on your state’s rules for property division, etc. Remember that visitation and child support is a sucker’s game. When they push you out, they will first tell you that you will have lots of visitation. Then, the truth will come out – you are supposed to pay and pay and you will have to struggle for access to the child. Do not assume that she have the same "code of ethics" that you do. Protect yourself and your kid. Roy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Hi folks, Here goes … the proverbial cry for help! This ones tough for me… I have a ‘feeling’ that my wife is about to drop ‘the bomb’ on me very soon. (Asking for divorce) The crazy thing is we’ve barely talked ‘Divorce’, and lately we’ve been trying so hard to keep things smooth at home that nothing gets addressed. In the past when I would try to talk to her she stonewalled and I would respond by getting frustrated/angy and start yelling (its painful to even write it… imagine the effect in must have had on her… ) I’m 40, Shes 33, Our beautiful son is 3. None of the "4 A"s apply. We separated briefly in Dec. cause I found out she was confiding everything about our lives to an ex-boyfriend, while we were emotionally cut off from each other. It hurt so bad, that she felt HE would have all the answers … And all the time she had denied that she was even talking to him. So for months I became more confused and upset cause with the denials I really didnt know what was going on, and I started acting more and more like an idiot. We have have been to a couple of counselling sessions, but its been frustrating cause nothing seems to get addressed. I think things are so far gone she doesnt see any point in discussing them. She told ’someone’ after our first session that it was CLEARER THAN EVER in her mind she should divorce me (I’m not supposed to know) .. and still hasnt said a word to me about it ….. thats how far gone things are! Her family supports her completely (as well they should I guess). ..But this is SO HARD! She is so removed emotionally from me…. and its killing me. So right now I’m on the old emotional rollercoaster … (When does the other shoe drop?) The therapist is no help (talks about ‘yin and yang’ and says we just ‘have to fine tune things’ our marriage!!!!) My wife is afraid I’m going to lose it completely and start yelling at her again (the cause of most of our problems) I’m determined to somehow get to a ‘better place’ with myself … I’ve sworn to myself (it wouldnt do any good to tell her — its too late for that) NEVER to raise my voice to her. And to think I was one of these people that actually thought they were a ‘nice guy’! … What a jerk! But I know now that I’ve lost a life together with a beautiful woman and son that I dearly love. What a waste. And I know now how badly I’ve hurt her, now its my turn. Sorry for the babble, but (like many people here I guess) I’ve been operating on VERY little sleep for 3 months. I’m reading everything I can to find out what went wrong …. (other than total communication breakdown and me being a smothering, loud mouth idiot) … I guess all I wanna know is: WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR THIS TRAGEDY? Any help, kind words of support, and offers to just shoot me are greatly appreciated … (Oh man!! I’m really hurting, and scared for my little guy. This really is killing me…..) Chris And sorry to be so long winded.

Response:

Hi folks, Here goes … the proverbial cry for help! This ones tough for me… I have a ‘feeling’ that my wife is about to drop ‘the bomb’ on me very soon. (Asking for divorce) The crazy thing is we’ve barely talked ‘Divorce’, and lately we’ve been trying so hard to keep things smooth at home that nothing gets addressed. In the past when I would try to talk to her she stonewalled and I would respond by getting frustrated/angy and start yelling (its painful to even write it… imagine the effect in must have had on her… ) I’m 40, Shes 33, Our beautiful son is 3. None of the "4 A"s apply. We separated briefly in Dec. cause I found out she was confiding everything about our lives to an ex-boyfriend, while we were emotionally cut off from each other. It hurt so bad, that she felt HE would have all the answers … And all the time she had denied that she was even talking to him. So for months I became more confused and upset cause with the denials I really didnt know what was going on, and I started acting more and more like an idiot. We have have been to a couple of counselling sessions, but its been frustrating cause nothing seems to get addressed. I think things are so far gone she doesnt see any point in discussing them. She told ’someone’ after our first session that it was CLEARER THAN EVER in her mind she should divorce me (I’m not supposed to know) .. and still hasnt said a word to me about it ….. thats how far gone things are! Her family supports her completely (as well they should I guess). ..But this is SO HARD! She is so removed emotionally from me…. and its killing me. So right now I’m on the old emotional rollercoaster … (When does the other shoe drop?) The therapist is no help (talks about ‘yin and yang’ and says we just ‘have to fine tune things’ our marriage!!!!) My wife is afraid I’m going to lose it completely and start yelling at her again (the cause of most of our problems) I’m determined to somehow get to a ‘better place’ with myself … I’ve sworn to myself (it wouldnt do any good to tell her — its too late for that) NEVER to raise my voice to her. And to think I was one of these people that actually thought they were a ‘nice guy’! … What a jerk! But I know now that I’ve lost a life together with a beautiful woman and son that I dearly love. What a waste. And I know now how badly I’ve hurt her, now its my turn. Sorry for the babble, but (like many people here I guess) I’ve been operating on VERY little sleep for 3 months. I’m reading everything I can to find out what went wrong …. (other than total communication breakdown and me being a smothering, loud mouth idiot) … I guess all I wanna know is: WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR THIS TRAGEDY? Any help, kind words of support, and offers to just shoot me are greatly appreciated … (Oh man!! I’m really hurting, and scared for my little guy. This really is killing me…..) Chris And sorry to be so long winded.

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